sincerely, mars

Dear Diary, chos.

To start, I am finally in my third year of University. Technically, 5th year, but it’s the important things that count. Besides feeling like this is a huge milestone, I am in a constant state of feeling like I will never be good enough. However, there would be times wherein I feel like I could crush whatever is in my path, but most of the time- I am afraid. I’m afraid that I am way too subpar to even work professionally. Like, people in the working industry would think of me as someone who has works that are child’s play.  

It doesn’t help that I just feel so unorganized lately. Heck, even in this blog post you can tell how disoriented and unorganized I am. There are just so many things going inside my head that I can’t seem to put them all in one place. I am literally writing right now just to get whatever it is in my head out of it. Aside from the many things, I also want many things. Sometimes, I drown myself in my aspirations that I no longer see them as goals, but as dreams. Dreams because I think I am subpar. 

I have also been feeling not myself when it comes to art. It’s just crazy to me how my art, sometimes, doesn’t match who I am. Or maybe this is just a passing phase, I really don’t know. There are times where I would look at my art and just want to scrap everything. Maybe it also relates to how I’m feeling subpar the past couple weeks. I’m slowly trying to change that though. 

I guess the first thing I have to do is take things slow. When I was painting the other day, I was getting so frustrated because what I was painting didn’t look appealing to me. I took a deep breath and just painted, as slow as I could. And it worked. It made me realize that It’s okay to take breathers, it’s okay to be slow. I’m so used to doing things fast that I forgot that it’s okay to breathe. 

I’m not sure what 2020 has for me. I don’t even wanna claim that it’s going to be my year, because I’m scared that it won’t be. I don’t wanna be ahead of myself. But, I’m keeping my head held high. Same as always. 

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Some things to do:

1. Buy a planner for 2020.

2. Buy a journal.

3. Write.

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Until next time.

I will admit, I am not the best “blogger” out there. But, this wasn’t meant to be something I expected something out of. The entirety of this journal is more for me- to keep me sane, to keep me grounded, and to keep my focus on the things that I have always wanted to do. But, I have lost it- the will, the strength, the courage, to be able to post the things I feel online without the judgment of my peers. Though, I have come to realize that the more I keep to myself, the more suffocated and lonely I feel. 

2018 was a rollercoaster. There were so many things happening that I forgot that I needed to take care of myself. I let many things overwhelm me and I let things spiral out of control. I let my emotions get the best of me- ultimately losing a lot of things that were important to me. Though, I have improved, not only as a person but as an artist. I am no longer scared to call myself an artist and I was proud to share the things I have created. And possibly my greatest achievement, I have learned empathy. I have learned how to put myself in other people’s shoes and have learned that just because I am privileged enough for misfortunes not to happen to me does not mean that it does not happen to other people. To put it short, 2018 was a year of great joy paired with unbearable pain. 

I almost gave up a hundred times but vowed and came back stronger a thousand times. And another year has passed, but I feel as if I am back to square one. At the bottom of the mountain, at the peak of no return. I forgot how helpful it was to just sit down at the bottom of the mountain for a little while and let myself heal, from all the bruises and scratches, from trying to traverse it. 

But it’s not that I find my work ugly, in fact, I’m still hella proud of them. It’s just that, to my eyes, they’re not the bit satisfactory. And seeing everyone else’s work around me makes me realize how behind my art is. It’s like they always lack something and that frustrates me to no end. 

And nowadays, I find myself seeing people's work online and making it a basis as how I want my art to look like. And I find myself losing touch of how I actually want my art to look like. I'm so caught up with how much praise I get, which we all can't deny- plays a very big part in the creative industry. Appeal to audience affect your work as much as you don't want it to, especially if you're trying to make art as a living.

But here's to hoping that I always get out of that ditch. Here's to never quitting even though I don't get adequate results. Here's to never giving up and strive to get better piece after piece. Because I know, for sure, that one day I will be somewhere up there. I will be enough to show the world that I can, and I will. 

Here’s to all those endless nights that I will have in order to meet deadlines. Here’s to all the days wherein I would feel brain-dead. To all the times where my blood will turn to caffeine. I am ready for you, albeit being a bit scared.

Here's to what only my eyes can see.

Hair & Makeup: Alexa Avila | Photos and Direction: Marielle Eugneio

Model: Alexa Avila Hair and Make Up: Alexa Avila Photo Processor: Adobe Photoshop CC Lens used: Canon f1.8 50mm

My family and I made a mental note of traveling the Philippines first because let’s face it, the Philippines is an awfully beautiful country amidst the terrible politics. (Though, I’m no expert there, so shut up nalang ako) However, I have little siblings who can’t brave the overwhelming adventures that the Philippines can offer, hence the decision to visit a neighboring country was brought upon us. 

It wasn’t my first time visiting Hong Kong, though; I was just as excited as I was every time I travel to some place new. Why? Because the photos that I can take are endless! Needless to say, my amateur photographer skills would finally get the chance to play.

All photos were taken by me, unless, of course, if it's me... then that's taken by my brother. ;)

Garden of the Stars, located at the Hong Kong side wherein the statue of Bruce Lee stands. 

Different memorabilias of artists, directors, etc. are also found in Garden of the stars. One particular quote that caught my attention was "Mom, I want to quit schooling so I could help ease Dad's burden". Of course, I'm not exactly sure who said it and if that's the exact quote. (LOL GENIUS)

As much as he hates to admit it, my brother actually loves being my model.

The streets of Mong Kok!

Mong Kok amused me a lot because of its pretty lights. I wanted to stay a bit longer to shoot, but my none of my family members were willing to be my model under these lights. It was "embarrassing" for them. *cue eye roll*

My favorite street! (1/2 kidding) Located at Central, this is Hong Kong's "night life".

Story time! Sang all-night while we were out drinking. Had someone approach me to ask me if we could sing together. We didn't get to, because he wanted to sing for me first and my sisters and I couldn't stay for long anymore. He sang for me though! I forgot the song. HAHA.

Disneyland. Didn't get to take too much pictures, because I kind of just enjoyed myself more. Also, now that I'm older, I really prefer Ocean Park over Disneyland.

I actually have lots of other photos, but I can't put them all in this post. It might be too long. (Also, I got lazy to post process). I hope you all had an amazing December and made up for the shitty 2016 we (almost) all had. Nonetheless, Hong Kong is probably a country that I would go to often because not only are Filipinos able to visit the country hassle-free (a.k.a no need for a visa), but Lan Kwai Fong is a place I terribly miss. Haha!

So, that sums up that three-day Hong Kong trip. Still awkward for me to end stuff, so... bye

But as theories go, for every negative thing, a positive thing is apparent. You know, to keep the universe’s equilibrium or some stuff like that. And, I guess the things I’ve learned are the good things that 2016 has bestowed upon me.

Your future is as important as your present.

Being a young adult, we would often hear the words “live in the moment” or “you’re only young once”. While I believe that once in a while, you really have to let loose, 2016 made me realize that I shouldn’t do things that would heavily affect me in the long run. Sometimes, those ‘little’ mistakes and decisions often direct our lives five, ten, or even twenty years from now.

Self-love and selfishness are two different things.

Self-love is such an important thing. This is probably one of the most important things that we all have to learn. Truthfully, I don’t think one can live a fruitful life without learning how to love yourself. Because learning how to love yourself is acceptance of who you are and what you can do, thus being able to improve yourself and make yourself better.

However, there’s a small, tiny-whiny, little line between self-love and selfishness that, unfortunately, a lot of people seem to cross. The most important rule of self-love, ironically, is that you always have to be aware of the people around you. Self-love is being happy by creating choices for yourself, regardless if it’s conforming to society’s standards or not, while selfishness is completely shutting everyone else’s feelings, thus hurting people in the process. If your decisions make you happy, but you know that you’ve hurt other people badly, then you should really rethink if that’s loving yourself.

Choose your own happiness.

You’re going to choose your own happiness because you’re going to have to. Sometimes, all you have is yourself. By creating your own happiness, you lose dependency of having someone all the time. Not only will this be better for you, but this is also better for the people in your life, because then you create an aura that just warms other people.

Make friends, not meaningless connections.

“College is all about connections” - this is one of the many things that you’re going to hear from people when you’re a frosh, because they say that the real world is all about connections. But, why settle for meaningless connections or one-night blurs wherein you don’t even remember their names the next day? 2016 taught me that keeping real friendships are better than “oh, I got shit-faced with that dude! Awesome night” type of friendships.

Always forgive, even if it’s hard to forget.

I’ll admit, it’s so, so hard to forgive. Especially if you’ve been hurt too much, you’re going to want to hold a grudge against the offender. But, I learned that this wasn’t the solution. It wasn’t the easy way out. It’s not the instant fix. Not only are you hurting yourself more, by constantly thinking about the pain and dejection, but you’re not allowing yourself to heal, to move forward, or to be happy once again.

Never forget to keep your heart open.