In which I dwell on dreams and forget to live.

"But apart from my transformations, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. For the first time ever, I had friends, three great friends. Sirius Black... Peter Pettigrew... and, of course, your father, Harry -- James Potter." (PoA ch18)

Remus thought the world of his friends - and still does. For the first time ever, he had friends. He had (and has) no frame of reference of what being 'friends' meant - so he was lucky they were so good.

James and Sirius in particular were amazing - the height of cool. Not him, though. He was never quite like them.

Lupin looked sideways at Sirius and then said, “Look, Harry, what you’ve got to understand is that your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did — everyone thought they were the height of cool — if they sometimes got a bit carried away —” (OotP ch28)

This is something Harry just can’t get - because he could never think like that. 'Why does ‘cool’ mean they are allowed to be horrible…?' To Remus it seemed to have made sense: If you're top of the pecking order you have some right to treat others the way you want.

We get to see how Remus ignored their behaviour:

Lupin and Wormtail remained sitting: Lupin was still staring down at his book, though his eyes were not moving and a faint frown line had appeared between his eyebrows. (OotP ch28)

As an adult, he questions if he ever had the 'guts' to stand up to them. Sirius… doesn’t instill much confidence:

“Did I ever tell you to lay off Snape?” he said. “Did I ever have the guts to tell you I thought you were out of order?” “Yeah, well,” said Sirius, “you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes.... That was something....” (OotP ch29)

Over multiple years they never felt bad enough to stop - even just for Remus' sake...? He felt he could tell his friends off a little - but never enough to have them actually stop. He couldn't put his foot down that hard-!

This matters to Remus. His memories of ignoring his guilt trouble him. He failed Severus, and Dumbledore - by being a thoughtless, irresponsible coward... and is disgusted by being that way:

“A thought that still haunts me," said Lupin heavily. "And there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless -- carried away with our own cleverness." I sometimes felt guilty about betraying Dumbledore's trust, of course... he had admitted me to Hogwarts when no other headmaster would have done so, and he had no idea I was breaking the rules he had set down for my own and others' safety. […] But I always managed to forget my guilty feelings every time we sat down to plan our next month's adventure. And I haven't changed..." Lupin's face had hardened, and there was self-disgust in his voice. "All this year, I have been battling with myself, wondering whether I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. But I didn't do it. Why? Because I was too cowardly. It would have meant admitting that I'd betrayed his trust while I was at school, admitting that I'd led others along with me... and Dumbledore's trust has meant everything to me. (PoA ch18)

Interesting how he starts out by saying ‘we’ - then piles the blame exclusively onto himself. His choices are ultimately his fault - but he spares no words of blame for James, Sirius or Peter, as if they did nothing wrong in his eyes. It’s all on him, apparently - he 'lead them astray'... somehow.

When Remus asks Sirius if he could help him with his revision, Sirius blows him off: (I’ll never get over how selfishly rude this is, wow)

"We’ve still got Transfiguration, if you’re bored you could test me.... Here.” He held out his book. Sirius snorted. “I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.” (OotP ch28)

While James and Peter talk about his Lycanthropy a little too loosely for his liking, despite his protests - Sirius outright wishes it was the Full Moon because he is bored:

“How thick are you, Wormtail?” said James impatiently. “You run round with a werewolf once a month —” “Keep your voice down,” implored Lupin. [...] “I’m bored,” said Sirius. “Wish it was full moon.” “You might,” said Lupin darkly from behind his book. (OotP ch28)

They do have one positive interaction, but it’s still focused on Remus' Lycanthropy:

“Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall. “Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “ ‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf.’ Excellent question.” (OotP ch28)

This is... uncomfortable.

It suggests an uneven friendship. An unhealthy power dynamic.

Remus, with his precarious life situation and deep self-loathing, is enamored with the fact James and Sirius (the most popular kids and 50% of his bedroom) are interested in him… even if most of their interactions are based around interest in his condition. Not his wants, needs and feelings. They are flippant with those.

He doesn't risk pushing them too far. He doesn't want to speak to them too strongly. What if he pushes them away...?

We see them treat him like a toy. A point of interest. They may genuinely like him, but he is not on their level. He doesn't ask them to care more about respecting him because he feels lucky to have anything at all.

There is also the angle that they have dirt on him. A slip of the tongue and he is ruined. Honestly, they can make his life hell even without outing him as a werewolf: Remus isn't popular. If James and Sirius turn their back on him (say, if he defends Severus too hard) they can bully him into the ground - like they do to Severus.

Would they...? Gut feeling says no... but then again: The way they treat Peter is horrific. They preen on his attention but verbally abuse him. He is doing exactly what they want and yet they treat him like garbage for it:

Wormtail was the only one who didn’t laugh. “I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail,” he said anxiously, “but I couldn’t think what else —” “How thick are you, Wormtail?” said James impatiently. […] Wormtail was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Wormtail gasped and applauded. After five minutes of this, Harry wondered why James didn’t tell Wormtail to get a grip on himself, but James seemed to be enjoying the attention. Harry noticed his father had a habit of rumpling up his hair as though to make sure it did not get too tidy, and also that he kept looking over at the girls by the water’s edge. “Put that away, will you?” said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. “Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement.”Wormtail turned slightly pink but James grinned. “If it bothers you,” he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket. Harry had the distinct impression that Sirius was the only one for whom James would have stopped showing off. (OotP ch28)

The way others saw their friendship is... oof…

"Pettigrew... that fat little boy who was always tagging around after them at Hogwarts?" said Madam Rosmerta. "Hero-worshipped Black and Potter," said Professor McGonagall. (PoA ch10)

That would be bad enough, finding ways to pick at Remus' 'faults' and belittle him. Bringing the potential for rumors of Lycanthropy into that…? The power they have over him is immense.

And so, the prank:

He speaks of it severely as an adult, though in softened, understated ‘British Gentleman’-y language:

He has his reasons... you see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me --" Black made a derisive noise. "It served him right," he sneered. "Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to... hoping he could get us expelled...."(PoA ch18)

‘Trick’ is used twice - an exaggerated downplay, a paralipsis. He draws focus to it, enough that Sirius cuts him off to relieve the slight tension and brush it away. Remus is emphasizing it as something bad without saying it outright - Sirius scoffs at that insinuation, insisting it was justified.

(That might seem like I’m over-explaining something obvious, but more often than not I see people misinterpreting this tone of dialogue, eg.‘Remus said it was just a ‘trick’ so it obviously didn’t really matter to him’ - despite it being said… like this.)

It isn’t just a ‘trick’, or else it wouldn’t have used him. It wouldn’t have been deadly. James wouldn’t have had to intercept it ‘at great risk to his life’:

Well, of course, Snape tried it -- if he'd got as far as this house, he'd have met a fully grown werewolf -- but your father, who'd heard what Sirius had done, went after Snape and pulled him back, at great risk to his life... Snape glimpsed me, though, at the end of the tunnel. (PoA ch18)

Whether that retelling of events is fully accurate or not Remus takes it seriously. He is commending James for considering it serious enough to step in - while Sirius is admonished for not. Later - he compares Harry’s acceptance of him more to James:

“But you are normal!” said Harry fiercely. “You’ve just got a — a problem —” Lupin burst out laughing. “Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’ in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.” (HBP ch16)

…He seems to put James on a higher pedestal than Sirius, is what I’m saying. James, like Harry, separates ‘Remus’ from his ‘problem’. Humanizing him. Remus isn’t just 'a werewolf', 'different' - he is a man who struggles with something difficult.

The way he describes Sirius' decision is once again gentleman-ish exaggerated downplay:

Sirius thought it would be -- er -- amusing, to tell Snape all he had to do was prod the knot on the tree trunk with a long stick, and he'd be able to get in after me. (PoA ch18)

Note how he uses the same language to describe their relationship with Snape, which we know was extreme and important to Remus:

"We were in the same year, you know, and we -- er -- didn't like each other very much. He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch field... (PoA ch18)

Remus doesn't think any of this is amusing. But he is so grateful to their acceptance that he swallows his complaints and softens his wording to not rock the boat. (Also - him describing Snapes ‘accident’, for further example of his exaggerated downplay:)

"That was the final straw for Severus. I think the loss of the Order of Merlin hit him hard. So he -- er -- accidentally let slip that I am a werewolf this morning at breakfast." (PoA ch22)

He cant bring himself to outright blame them for anything. Even as an adult he defends them. And, when he does complain, he speaks gently - language softened to not sound as much like the harsh criticism it is.

Neither James or Sirius were as interested in Remus as eachother, however. Remus and Peter were usually left out. Following around, being teased and brushed off... It isn't as often that they all are adventuring together:

It was, as Harry had anticipated, useless, boring work, punctuated (as Snape had clearly planned) with the regular jolt in the stomach that meant he had just read his father or Sirius’s names, usually coupled together in various petty misdeeds, occasionally accompanied by those of Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. (HBP ch24)

But there was at least once a month where they all had fun together:

"And they didn't desert me at all. Instead, they did something for me that would make my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life. They became Animagi." [...] Under their influence, I became less dangerous. My body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them." [...] well, highly exciting possibilities were open to us now that we could all transform. Soon we were leaving the Shrieking Shack and roaming the school grounds and the village by night. Sirius and James transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a werewolf in check. I doubt whether any Hogwarts students ever found out more about the Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade than we did... [...] "And there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless -- carried away with our own cleverness." (PoA ch18)

It’s no real surprise he describes their risky, guilty-pleasure Full Moon excursions as the best time of his life: He could feel worth something even as a ‘monster’. Though between Full Moons he isn’t as appreciated, his bad nights became something celebrated rather than hated, isolated, judged.

Even though he feels guilty betraying Dumbledore (who has done kind things for him, things that prioritize his well-being and happiness - but offer little personal comfort) he can't resist the feeling of being wanted and accepted even at his worst. The ultimate temptation for an outcast.

The call of temptation, the promise of belonging, pulling him in... His backbone too weak to hold him firmly to his morals - because the loss of joy seems irreversible for him. We see this trained behaviour repeat through his life. (Not standing up for Severus, forgiving the prank, lying to Dumbledore, accepting being a teacher, poor treatment of Severus, warmth but emotional distance from Harry, pulling emotional focus on himself in the shack rather than the kids or Sirius or Peter, on-and-off romantic/sexual engagement with Tonks without locking in...)

Why do I say it is 'trained'…?

Because before his friends, the only people he knew were his parents and Dumbledore. His parents loved him, raised him, tried to find help for him and protected him. Dumbledore showed up when they thought he would never be able to go to Hogwarts - to offer him a place there. He altered the school grounds and Hogsmeade just to support him:

"I was a very small boy when I received the bite. My parents tried everything, but in those days there was no cure. […] It seemed impossible that I would be able to come to Hogwarts. Other parents weren't likely to want their children exposed to me. "But then Dumbledore became Headmaster, and he was sympathetic. He said that as long as we took certain precautions, there was no reason I shouldn't come to school...." Lupin sighed, and looked directly at Harry. "I told you, months ago, that the Whomping Willow was planted the year I came to Hogwarts. The truth is that it was planted because I came to Hogwarts. This house" -- Lupin looked miserably around the room, -- "the tunnel that leads to it -- they were built for my use. Once a month, I was smuggled out of the castle, into this place, to transform. The tree was placed at the tunnel mouth to stop anyone coming across me while I was dangerous." (PoA ch18)

Their affection was not conditional on him holding his tongue and ignoring guilt. While a cruel world that forced him to hide may have helped plant a seed of the issues he has - it was his friends that would have rooted it. His friends - rare, unbelievably precious, offering warmth - are powerful, openly cruel and easy to disappoint in ways adults aren’t.

We see later how uncertain he feels when given genuine acceptance. He doesn't know what to make of it. Unpracticed. Conditional/incomplete acceptance is more trustworthy, familiar. He twists lovely things to suit this cognitive dissonance:

+ Harry's refusal to label him primarily as 'werewolf' rather than 'man'... He is just naive - its cute he feels that way. + Tonks' love... She is mistaken, affectionate with someone entirely inappropriate for her - too poor, too old, etc. + Dumbledore's continued trust and support, despite everything... He is an overly good man, seeing the best in people. Him and the Order... Remus can be useful to them. Transactional.

That’s getting a little off-topic - this is supposed to be about Remus and Sirius' relationship. Basically I'm saying Remus thinks this way for a reason - and Sirius has done nothing to dissuade it, while being it's most obvious perpetrator.

From the information we are given, I think it's clear that Sirius and Remus were not particularly close at Hogwarts. They may have been the weakest 'pair' within the Marauders:

+ Sirius and James are tight af, everyone agrees. + Peter follows both Sirius and James even when they are cruel to him as their cheerleader. + Peter and Remus are the ones 'left behind', 'the other two' + Remus thinks especially highly of James for specific things. Remus and Sirius...? "He -- er -- thought it'd be amusing to use me for a little trick. One that almost got Severus and James killed. But you need to understand, Harry - he was cool, popular... it’s easier to get carried away when everyone else is looking up at you - and you down on them."

They have ONE positive interaction as kids. Even that is arguable.

As young adults, after Hogwarts - it gets worse:

Remus never mentions Lily in the books. Ever. She mentions him once: “He’s ill,” said Lily. “They say he’s ill—” (DH ch33) (She didn't know herself, but others - likely the marauders - told her that.) Never as an adult. Not even in the letter she sent Sirius, where she chatted about Peter, Bathilda, Dumbledore - and how the McKinnons' death sucked. (DH10) Sirius was close to Lily - while Remus was not around. Not included. Not even mentioned.

Sirius thought Remus was the spy:

"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter," said Lupin. "I assume that's why you didn't tell me, Sirius?" he said casually over Pettigrews head. "Forgive me, Remus," said Black. (PoA ch19)

Whether James or Lily agreed with that idea - they agreed, at least, to trust Peter more. Remus wasn’t told about the Secret Keeper situation, which Sirius had planned…

"... why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless" -- Lupin's eyes suddenly widened, as though he was seeing something beyond Black, something none of the rest could see, "-- unless he was the one... unless you switched... without telling me?" (PoA ch17)

…and thus couldn't have been visiting James, Lily and Harry at all.

"An immensely complex spell," he said squeakily, "involving the magical concealment of a secret inside a single, living soul. The information is hidden inside the chosen person, or Secret-Keeper, and is henceforth impossible to find -- unless, of course, the Secret-Keeper chooses to divulge it. As long as the Secret-Keeper refused to speak, You-Know-Who could search the village where Lily and James were staying for years and never find them, not even if he had his nose pressed against their sitting room window!" (PoA ch10)

While James, Lily, Sirius and Peter (and Bathilda apparently) were tight - Remus was excluded.

I know the general perception is that the Marauders group was Sirius, James, Remus - and Peter was 'the other one'...

...But I think Remus was actually 'the other one'.

That's the dynamic after they left. I doubt it was a sudden shift.

James, Sirius and Peter all worked to become Animagi together. They are the ones shepherding him together, their minds intact as animals hanging out while Remus is only slightly there mentally.

Remus isn't always enthusiastic about how they play. He makes them feel guilty sometimes - can be a bit of a buzzkill. Too busy doing his work to have fun, in ways Sirius finds dull.

Peter is all in on everything. He's right behind them, egging them on, cheering for them - and he takes every insult on the chin, like a punching bag. Good vibes, good times. Peter is an ego boost.

And who do other people talk about when reminiscing...? James, Sirius - and Peter, tagging along behind. No mention of Remus despite the fact they are working with him that year. He would be fresh on their minds, the memories rekindled.

“Pettigrew... that fat little boy who was always tagging around after them at Hogwarts?" said Madam Rosmerta. "Hero-worshipped Black and Potter," said Professor McGonagall. "Never quite in their league, talent-wise. I was often rather sharp with him. You can imagine how I -how I regret that now..." She sounded as though she had a sudden head cold. (PoA ch10)

So - I don't think Remus was as close to them as Peter was, who kept worming his way in. I think Sirius was the most uninterested in Remus - even if they still got along in general.

How did Sirius think of Remus? He didn't see anything wrong with potentially spreading rumors about Remus being under the Willow; pointing someone in the direction of discovering him... putting both of them in danger. Rather than protecting Remus' marginalized identity, or simple supporting him like a friend - he played with him. Disregarded his feelings. Found it easy to cut him out.

Three great friends... I think maybe Remus doesn't have very healthy ideas of what being a friend is.