Twitch Affiliate

7/13/24

Day three and honestly not much happened today because I was really sick. I slept until five pm so not much happened today. I figured I would give my self the day off from thinking and hangout with my friend and fiancé. It really did help ease my mind a bit. I also can never complain about hanging out with my fiancé! We were actually supposed to have a date night today but because I was not felling well and she was tired we skipped out on it. I had a thought about going on a date and still trying to do things that I love so I thought about going to the book store and getting some Starbucks there! A long time ago back when I had a life I used to actually go to Barnes and Noble and look for hours. Eventually I would grab a book and read at the Starbucks there, or read what I had brought. Sounds like a perfect date to me and maybe I can find a new book to move forwards with. I have so many books at home I have never read but that's okay.

    My mother did decide to come into my room and talk to me about getting a job. I feel like this is going to be a daily thing. Again, I cant work! I am in just so much pain how the hell can I work, maybe part time! I just cant find anything I like or think I can do. She keeps threatening that she needs to sell her house but we cant move, we could never afford living here. I feel horrible holding my mom back but what else can we do! Its starting to stress me out. 

I'm not sure if I am the only one who gets like this but after having a giant emotional breakdown I always feel groggy. My head feels like it's 1000 pounds, it feels exactly like a hangover. I feel emotionally dead and sadly water can't fix this feeling. At least not all of it. "Hydration fixes everything!" That's what everyone says but I don't think it can fix how I mentally feel about myself. 

    Today I woke up, groggy and in pain, BUT I woke up early for once. Early as in 1 pm but it's way better than 5 pm. I did nothing all day and my mother kept lecturing me about how I needed to fix my sleep schedule and start doing things, "you need to find a job," yes, thank you, I know that. I feel like people don't understand the amount of pain I am in every single day. Let's see if I can describe it! My bones hurt, and my muscles are so tight that sometimes I feel like I will tear them. I can stretch all I want but it doesn't do shit. Each joint aches and hurts. If I don't crack my joints I can't move. At this point, I think I have arthritis in my neck and back because it's rice crispy treats. Snap Crackle and POP! The tightness from my neck creaks up into my head causing headaches or migraines to the point I can't even think. I get this feeling of wanting to tear my head right off of my neck or smash my head through a wall because I can't stop the pain. Sometimes even my goddamn organs hurt for no reason. My hands sometimes don't want to work, at times I can't even itch a scratch I have. My knees and ankles lock like a dairy that shouldn't be opened. I just want that fucking key so I can run and do what I want but I'm almost 33 years old and I'm locked up in this old lady body. This is why I can't work, this is why I can't function, this is why I'm depressed. Doctors say nothing comes up on the blood tests, it's not that bad... Bitch I think I can physically tell you it is bad. This is only about twenty percent of what I'm even going through and feeling. 

    I went for a very slow walk today with my mom. She's staying with me for two months during the summer. At least I walked, I may have looked like a zombie but I did it. Then I went home, laid down, and did nothing. I even had to cancel my stream today because I mentally couldn't do it. I complain about how I don't do shit and I don't know who I am anymore but yet here I am laying around still doing nothing. I could be reading or drawing, I could have even gone to the grocery store to get what we needed with the zero dollars I have. Nope, I did nothing. Now it's late and I'm hating myself again for not taking the opportunity.

    Speaking of reading, a long time ago back when I was in another deep depressive state about all my ex's destroying my ego and who I am as a person, I was told to read a book. The book is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book saved my life 9 years ago. I had ex after ex after ex destroying me. I think it was all four exes in a row that killed my spirit and kind of made me who I am today. There was a time in my life when I broke apart so badly, Imagine if you could shatter like expensive china, that was me, scattered all over the floor. I hit such a low point that I mentally shut off. I had no emotions, no empathy no tears, nothing! Back then I cried a lot and never hated people, I had nothing but love for everyone. This book helped me move forward and I think it's time to read it again. I at least went downstairs and grabbed the book! 

    Now what do I do, I did nothing for self-growth today. If anything I went backwards. I love streaming more than anything but today a part of me said maybe I should quit, throw in that towel, and watch everyone else easily succeed. No one tells you how mentally hard it is to stream. It's so inconsistent and so many people come and go. I'm also so fucking tired of hearing how easily they hit affiliate and partner. How in the fucking world are people getting partner within one year of streaming??? I hate to be salty and jealous but what the actual fuck. I work so hard and care so much for my community that it pisses me off. I know I'm not attractive/hot and sometimes I have a hard time carrying a conversation but god damn. It hurts but not enough to motivate me to start working out. These body pains can't handle working out. I don't even want to get started on social media, that's another thing pissing me off. Nothing moves unless you do something "trending" like a dance or I don't even fucking know. I don't have an extravagant life, I don't have money and I don't have the health to just go out and be spontaneous. I only have me but that's not enough and I try not to take it personally it's just me being me trying to have fun and connect with everyone but it's not enough, it's not good enough. People don't stay long enough to see the amazing things that I can do. I'm just not good enough and I don't have the money or attractiveness to keep people around. Man, when I was in my prime years ago I would have gone so far with streaming!

It's 7/11/24 and I haven't been on Tumblr in forever. So much has happened in my life and here I am on Blog day 1. Maybe its been about 5 years. I used to come to Tumblr when I was upset, so Hi I'm back and upset or more like lost.

I feel like I lost who I am as a person. I'm sitting here crying because of a Piano song that just triggered me and my past. I wouldn't say a bad trigger maybe just a wakeup call. I miss listening to the piano and wanting to learn how to play. Years ago when I was in college I was taking classes and it was amazing. My past in general was just amazing. I miss who I was and I hate who I am now. I'm not a bad person but I miss what I loved and did.

I recently brought back my keyboard and I'm excited to start learning how to play again. Its been about 7 or 8 years since I played. Where has the time gone. It feels like yesterday I just finished college and excited to start life but its been 8 years and I hate life.

My health has taken a huge turn and it makes me so depressed everyday. I cant move and I'm always in pain. The worst part is AI don't know what's wrong with me and I feel like there's no hope. I cant work or go out and do things because I'm in too much pain. I cant enjoy life and my poor fiancé has to deal with it with me! I want to WANT to go outside and walk and explore. I miss doing things but I just don't have the energy. My body feels like its breaking. Maybe my soul is just broken. I guess crying is a good thing for me because I haven't been able to do it in 8 years. That's when you know my soul needs help, when I start to cry.