Manastro

DSM-5 pg 458: Stop telling people I'm dead!

Dishes.

Clothes. 

House.

Self.

…An example: I was complaining to a close friend that Stanford institutions meant to promote diversity and inclusion often overlook and ignore Jews. In this case, I’d learned that one group appeared to be unaware that Jews who are white-passing and/or of European descent may not identify as white. The context of this question is long and complicated, but suffice it to say that even the Torah sometimes treats Jews as an ethnic group and sometimes treats us as a religious group. Many Jews in the US are white-passing and have access to the privileges that come with that. Tragically, white privilege is not a very effective shield against anti-Semitism, in part because many anti-Semites do not view Jews as white. My friend, an activist and person of color who’s involved with several ethnic associations on campus, turned to me. She asked, “why does it matter?” I couldn’t respond. She continued: “I mean, there are so few of you.”

I didn’t know how to respond. How to say, there are very few Jews because we have been the victims of genocide too many times to recall? How to ask, why does the size of our group matter if we are being discriminated against? How can I reconcile this callous, unfeeling question with the caring friend I know? Can I call someone who thinks I matter so little my friend?

I am embarrassed to admit that I said nothing. I let her change the subject to something more comfortable for her, and I swallowed my questions. Months later, I can’t fully let go of my pain.

Another example: various people, including people I’ve never met before, are comfortable debating with me about whether a given incident is anti-Semitic. I’ve been told that Ilhan Omar’s innuendos about Jews and money were not anti-Semitic. I’ve been told that jokes about Jewish people’s appearance are not necessarily anti-Semitic, because “sometimes it’s true.” Most liberal people, and many conservatives, accept that general idea that only members of a marginalized group get to determine whether something is discriminatory towards their group. Very few people would feel comfortable telling a person of color that some comment wasn’t actually racist. Quite a few people are comfortable sharing their thoughts on what anti-Semitism is and isn’t with me.

One last example: sometimes, when I try to talk with non-Jewish friends about anti-Semitism, they point out that I am not experiencing “real” discrimination because I can pass as non-Jewish. These same people know that I am bisexual. They would never suggest that bisexuals do not experience discrimination because bisexuals can have heterosexual relationships. Because they understand that being forced to deny part of yourself in exchange for safety is not a privilege. They understand that being offered the choice between authenticity and safety only forces you to participate in your own oppression. Yet they ask me why anti-Semitism matters, since, after all, I don’t “look Jewish.” They don’t even pause to consider the anti-Semitism inherent in the assumption that Jews look a certain way.  

…It’s not just Stanford. Jews, like many other minority groups, seem to be caught in a political no-man’s land. Republicans flirt with anti-Semitism and anti-Semitic groups like the KKK and neo-nazis. It can seem as if Democrats take Jewish support for granted because they usually pass the low, low bar of not associating with neo-nazis (although this problem is more recent, and American Jews still heavily favor the Democrats). 

…In light of this indifference, I’ve found myself turning inward to the Jewish community at Stanford. I am grateful to have the ability to do so, and the fact that I have been able to turn inward, to share these experiences with other Jews, is worth celebrating. This is not a solution, though. It is not just, nor is it wise, for me to avoid confronting my friends and fellow activists about anti-Semitism simply because I have found a community in which I do not have to do so.

But if I withdraw into the Jewish community and hide this part of myself from non-Jewish friends I am surrendering to anti-Semitism. If Jews cede the public square, we are ceding a field fertilized by ignorance and indifference to the opportunistic weed that is anti-Semitism. So I can speak up, I can be visible, I can refuse to let people call themselves my protector and ally without my consent.

…It is difficult to explain this fully, but I grew up knowing about the Holocaust. I cannot remember learning what genocide is; it feels as if I have always known. Just before my Bat Mitzvah, I told myself that it didn’t matter whether I went through with it or not — most anti-Semites view Judaism as an ethnicity, so if someone wanted to hurt Jews, they would go after me because of my family history, regardless of whether or not I was officially a Jew. 

I had those thoughts in 2013, which now seems incredibly long ago. At the time, I called myself ridiculous and melodramatic, because I have always lived in the United States and, as far as I knew, no one was actually going around hurting Jews in the US. That is not true anymore.

In the past year, I have found meaning and community in Judaism. But the danger posed by anti-Semitism seems more urgent now than ever, and I find myself feeling defenseless. Around me, student groups, political parties, and self-proclaimed allies ignore, excuse, and defend anti-Semitism.

If there’s a moral to be found here, it is perhaps that non-Jewish people need to care more about hatred, even if it’s directed at “invisible,” “small” minorities. I’ll be honest, though. My previous columns on anti-Semitism seem to be read exclusively by Jewish people. I’m not hopeful that a single column in a college newspaper will have any real impact. So I don’t know what the moral is, and I don’t have any solutions. I can offer only pain, fear, and anger, and that is not enough.

Non-functional restrictive fashion rules like matching socks, how the hell they decide what clothes are considered appropriate for different settings beyond practical stuff like weather, especially how actual comfortable clothes are usually deemed informal or even a sign of a lack of integrity somehow? And what's the deal with ties? You simply cannot work without cloth tied around your neck a specific way?

Gendered stuff of course, like dividing everything into masculine and feminine and judging those who stray from that?

Bullying bring seen as acceptable and even a way to change behaviour, weird behaviour being seen as worse than cruel behaviour

"Don't explain the joke" and other similar things, why would it ruin the humour to share it with people who don't immediately understand?

Unspoken rituals like "how are you?" and you're supposed to say fine even if you're not

The assumption that body language is always supposed to be the same across people, when some of it is even different across cultures, and this being used to the extent that it can get you in trouble with the law/not believed about your distress by medical professionals etc.

It is Bad To Like Things Too Much, but also Bad To Not Like Things Enough, and the specific things you are supposed to like or not like are in constant flux

There are specific foods which you Must Enjoy, and no one will fully believe you if you do not Enjoy those foods

Once you are an adult, you must stop liking toys or playing

Alcohol is everywhere. You must drink. Why do you not want to drink at this religious holiday party with your in-laws you barely know? You need an excuse to not drink.

But you cannot tell your in-laws that you do not want to drink at their religious holiday party. This is apparently Rude or Suspicious?

There are gendered expectations on what you like to eat and how much of it you do.

There is an appropriate Volume Level for every situation, but no one will outright tell you what it is. They simply Know. Guess. Wrong! You are in trouble.

That thing where sometimes people say things in private about someone else and don't want that person to know that they said it.

That thing where some people can get away with breaking some of the rules and others can't. For instance, someone who mostly follows the rules very well can selectively break things like the matching socks rules or rules around gender/clothes and get away with it, at least under some circumstances, but those exact same rules will be much more rigidly enforced on people who have trouble following all the rules.

All of that being said, half the time I say something like "crazy, thanks, how are you?" or sometimes just roll my eyes and say "ugh" because I don't feel like bullshitting or just think their nonplussed response will be funny.

Because in the end, half my family isn't neurotypical and even though I know the rules, I don't always care. But it's still useful to know them. I think of it like living in a foreign country and learning the predominant language. I'll always have an ADHD accent but people can mostly understand what I'm saying. And sometimes I hit a wall and just wanna speak my own language.