La Malcriada

I am actually not okay. This has to be the worst 3 months of my life so far. Every day that I open my eyes I’m so disappointed. I pray I can just sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. I miss the days before I was my grandma’s provider. I miss when my grandpa was alive too. Ive been reminiscing a lot. I’ve also been sick for at least 5 weeks str8, I’m pretty sure I have some type of bronchitis or pneumonia. I’m wheezing non stop and it hurts to breathe I get sharp pains in my chest / lungs and once I start coughing like a dog it’s almost impossible for me to stop. I’m constantly gasping for air. Like it’s embarrassing. My friends all hate my boyfriend. Shit, I hate him too. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for cheating the way he did. I’ll never be the same again, and it’s all a game to him. I don’t trust him at all, and unfortunately he’s the only man I’m going to get “love / affection” from (lol). The local men have no real interest in me and all the men from out of state are either too poor to date long distance or are also lying cheating scammers. I’ll never find true love or know what it feels like. And the cherry on top? Pussy so tight I got a medical diagnosis - vaginismus. Like I have to take medication for it now. It’s like no wonder he cheats on me, he scientifically can’t fuck me and neither will any other man so whats the point? I’ll never be able to personally enjoy sex or satisfy my partner sexually. Men are too weak to live without sex. I feel so useless and sad and confused and lonely and unsatisfied. I’m not sure when I’ll feel happy again, or if ever again at all.