here's a space for words I like

Maybe we’ll meet again, when we’re slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.

How I feel when things unexpectedly work out in my favor

1. There’s a reason schools teach Shakespeare instead of John Green; you make your own life, it’s not written in the stars, waiting to start until you find that person with the perfect smile 2. People are a hell of a lot smart than you think. Shut your mouth, stop thinking you know everything, and listen. 3. Getting close and being vulnerable is scary as hell, But you know what else it is? Worth it. 4. Reason really is the doctor to love. 5. The moment you feel your happiness being dictated by another person, take a break from them. 6. Take a step back and look around, you have more friends than you think. 7. Growing up is going to happen and it’s going to be tough. Just stay close to those around you, you’re all in it together. 8. If you’re still checking their Facebook/Instagram/tumblr, you’re never going to get over them. 9. Everything seems worse in the morning. Don’t fall for it, it’s deceiving. 10. No need to be so intense all the time. People get tired of swimming in the deep end, sometimes they need a break in the shallow part of the pool. 11. Stop avoiding everything. Get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, go to work. It sucks at first but it’s part of the healing process. 12. If the person makes you feel like shit and you still go back to them, it’s an abusive relationship. 13. Headphones are great, but listen to music aloud every once in a while. Sometimes you need to scream a song so everyone can hear you. 14. Boundaries are a must. 15. You can be a caring person, but you need to be happy with yourself before you try to make others happy. 16. Try and understand other’s intentions and situation before you get angry with them. 17. Tough love is necessary sometimes. 18. You can’t fix people no matter how hard you try. Get this engrained in your mind. 19. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you. 20. Loneliness is lethal and makes you have a distorted view of things. 21. No one hates you more than you hate yourself. Stop being your own enemy. 22. Someone can only hurt your feelings if you allow them to. 23. Getting your shit back in order is five times as hard as it is to mess it all up. 24. Listen to your parent’s advice. 25. Be open to anything and everything. Life isn’t fun when you’re a closed book. 26. Talking about your problems is great, but there comes a point when talking about it becomes dwelling on the past and it drains everyone around you. Know when you’ve hit this point. 27. A lot of people don’t like their shit showing. More people than you know are going through hard times. 28. Distract yourself. 29. Don’t be so easily swayed, a lot of claims out there are not true. 30. Some seasons of your life are harder than others. This too shall pass.

I want to be the person you’re scared to lose.

I know I’ve told this story before, but my abusive ex refused to let me take birth control. I was on the pill until he found them in my purse. I went to the Student Health Center—they were completely unhelpful, choosing to lecture me about the importance of safe sex (recommending condoms) instead of actually listening to my problem. Then I went to Planned Parenthood. The Nurse Practitioner took one look at my fading bruises and stopped the exam. She called in the doctor. The doctor came in and simply asked me: “Are you ready to leave him?” When I denied that I was being abused, she didn’t argue with me. She just asked me what I needed. I said I need a birth control method that my boyfriend couldn’t detect. She recommended a few options and we decided on Depo. When I told her that my boyfriend read my emails and listened to my phone messages and was known to follow me, she suggested to do the Depo injections at off hours when the clinic was normally closed. She made a note in my chart and instructed the front desk never to leave messages for me—instead, she programmed her personal cell phone number into my phone under the name “Nora”. She told me she would call me to schedule my appointments; she wouldn’t leave a message, but I should call her back when I was able to. And that was it. No judgment. No lecture. She walked me to the door and told me to call her day or night if I needed anything. That she lived 5 blocks from campus and would come get me. That I wasn’t alone. That she just wanted me to be safe. I never called her to come to my rescue. But I have no doubt that she would have come if I had called. She kept me on Depo for a year, giving me those monthly injections in secret, helping me prevent a desperately unwanted pregnancy. I cannot thank Planned Parenthood enough for the work they do.

What they don’t understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you’re eleven, you’re also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don’t. You open your eyes and everything’s just like yesterday, only it’s today. And you don’t feel eleven at all. You feel like you’re still ten. And you are — underneath the year that makes you eleven. Like some days you might say something stupid, and that’s the part of you that’s still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama’s lap because you’re scared, and that’s the part of you that’s five. And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you’re three, and that’s okay. That’s what I tell Mama when she’s sad and needs to cry. Maybe she’s feeling three. Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That’s how being eleven years old is.

Life is so damned hard. It just hurts people and hurts people, until finally it hurts them so that they can’t be hurt ever any more. That’s the last and worst thing it does.