mal!

when you arise in the morning and before you lay your head to rest at night, one thing is always definite: you are human.

humans are imperfect, so they make mistakes. genuine ones. honest ones. you’ve mixed up salt and sugar while baking chocolate chip cookies. you’ve hit your best friend square in the face while trying to spike a volleyball. you’ve missed assignment deadlines, forgotten about chores, and left the grocery list at home, all honest mistakes. a boy pressing his lips to another girl’s, though he has another he calls his own, is not a mistake. if it were up to you, it’d be a crime punishable by execution. between miles and yourself, no mercy was shown for the loyal one of you two, so why should he be granted any? infidelity; the act itself is the murder of the most important, sacred muscle, so why not return the favor?

you know your intentions before you give into the temptation of them. you knew miles knew. he knew from the moment that girl pulled him over to a vacant bedroom. did he think they’d simply exchange pleasantries? even so, why partake in such with someone who clearly has a taste for you? a taste for insulting the one you love most just as easily as she breathed?

these are all questions that would never be answered truthfully. you’d have to make peace with the reality or the only peace you’d know was the eternal kind that followed after death. and to think that you once believed in those stupid children’s fairy tales. miles made you believe that that kind of love could be real life. he almost made you believe you could attain the happy ending you always dreamed about. you were so close to it too. to have your bubble burst like that by the person you love most..? cold. way colder than the shivers repeatedly sinking down your spine.

it was a stupid idea to leave your window open.

the medicine you had taken for your cold had you knocked out in the warmth of your bed and you slept soundly. the chilly air would blow through the curtains now and then. the wind was only a light breeze at first. it felt nice, maybe even comforting, but when night finally fell, the current picked up. you were woken up by an icy blast hitting your face.

you groaned and slowly rose up, pulling the covers off of you before you swung your legs off of the bed. you drowsily staggered to your window and forced it shut, drawing the curtains closed only seconds afterward. you would just have to hope the mishap wouldn’t make you any sicker than you already were. you mindlessly carried yourself back to your bed and submerged yourself under the covers. you grabbed your phone, which was lying face down beside you.

you unlocked your phone and went straight to instagram, tapping through everyone's stories. most of the people you knew were at the party. parties weren't your cup of tea, so you couldn't really say you wished you had gone. you were more of a homebody than you'd like to admit.

you eventually got to miles' story. all he had posted was a single picture of him and his group of friends, and they all seemed to be enjoying themselves. seeing your boyfriend happy made you happy. you smiled to yourself before switching to your messages app. you had notifications from both miles and your friends who were also at the halloween party. you opened miles’ messages first.

9:37pm

miles: hey ma (9:37 pm) miles: i know you’re probably sleeping right now, but i wanted to lyk that i got here okay (9:37 pm) miles: i’m with my friends (9:38 pm) miles: ima go now but i love you 💗 i’ll text you soon (9:39 pm)

10:23 pm

miles: yooo just checking in 🙌 miss you a lot (9:36 pm) miles: hope you’re enjoying that nap ❤️❤️(9:37 pm)

you: hey i’m up now 😈😈 (10:52 pm) you: i saw your ig story 🙃 looks like you guys are having fun so i’ll leave you to it (10:52 pm) you: text me later, i love you so much more 💓 (10:53 pm)

you swiped out of your text thread with miles and opened your group chat with your three best friends, sasha, lani, and nae. while you met sasha and lani not too long ago, you’ve known nae for damn near your entire life.

dollz 💘 9:13pm

sasha: how’s my bedridden baby? 🫶🫶 (9:13 pm)

lani: she’s been unconscious for mad long 👎(9:14 pm)

nae: we should ditch this party n go to her place instead i’m BOREDDD (9:16 pm) nae: and what if bro’s dead (9:16 pm)

jana: girl (9:20 pm) jana: she ain’t dead 🤦‍♀️ please. (9:21 pm)

sasha: ofc not (9:23 pm) sasha: nae's right.. this party lowk boring asf🧍‍♀️ can we leave soon? (9:25 pm)

jana: yes 💋 (9:25 pm)

nae: thought you’d never ask. (9:26 pm)

10:57pm

you: y’all i’m up damn! 😭 (10:57 pm) you: is it really that boring? miles seems to be having fun (10:57 pm)

nae: he buggin then cuz it's been like two hours and this party is STILL boring as shit (11:01 pm) nae: i tried to give it the benefit of the doubt but nvm. (11:01 pm) nae: my niece's fourth birthday party was x100 more turnt than this (11:02 pm) nae: i’m stuffing all the good snacks in my purse nd then we outta this bitch 🏃‍♀️ i’ll be in the car y’all (11:02 pm)

jana: bruh🧍‍♀️ (11:03 pm)

sasha: nae beloved, you already put hella snacks in the passenger seat (11:03 pm) nae: so? 🥱 (11:04 pm) sasha: you don’t need no more tf 😭😭 big backed hungry ass (11:04 pm)

you: yes she does (11:10 pm) you: she’s thinking of me, duh (11:11 pm)

sasha: damn you right.. maybe 🤷‍♀️ (11:15 pm) sasha: or maybe she'll eat up all the snacks and i'll laugh in your face and say i told you so 🤌 (11:16 pm)

jana: uh huh... anw girl can we come over? (11:18 pm)

you: i’d say yes but miles is coming over soon (11:21 pm) you: y’all can come over first thing tmrw morning tho 💋💋(11:21 pm)

right as you sent that message, your phone began to ring and you were met with your own puzzled reflection on the screen of your phone. it was a facetime call from nae. you couldn’t come up with a reason why she’d ever need to facetime you from a party when she could text or call. nevertheless, you picked up. you forced yourself up and out of you warmth of your bed, throwing your comforter and many, many blankets off of you.

you answered the facetime call as you turned the knob to your bedroom door to leave, making your way downstairs to the kitchen so you could raid the pantry for food. when nae’s face popped up on your screen, you noticed that the interior of sasha’s car surrounded her, but neither sasha or lani were anywhere to be found.

“hey danae, what’s up?” you said into the phone as you shut the microwave. you'd settled on instant ramen since you were feeling lazy. when you caught a glimpse of your best friend's face on your phone screen a second time, you clocked that she looked worried and that made you worried too. it didn't help that she was dead silent. you raised an eyebrow. “you alone? where’s lani and sasha?"

“something happened,” nae spoke slowly, disregarding your question. her eyes were bolting back and forth between her phone camera and sasha’s car window.

“what?” you shook your head, your eyebrows furrowing in concern. you set your phone down on the counter, propping your elbows onto the surface while you tried to decipher nae's expression, but that got you nowhere.

“i’m gonna send you something. just hold on a sec.”

“nae, what’s going on?” you inquired, a puzzled expression painting your face.

she didn’t reply. you pressed your lips into a thin line and closed your eyes in both confusion and frustration, strings of air passing through your nostrils. whatever nae was about to tell you was obviously nothing good. you didn't anticipate anything but the absolute worst. you opened your eyes again when your phone dinged. it was photo attachment from nae. you furrowed your brows blinked a few times before tapping it, pulling up you and your best friend's text thread. your entire body went limp when your brain registered the monstrosity on your screen. all you could do in the moment was stare in shock. it was a clear shot of miles and arielle at the party making out in some random bedroom upstairs. arielle who wouldn’t quit making moves on miles. miles who would shut down her pathetic attempts every time. arielle who’s always hated your guts without reason. miles who swore on everything that you were the only one he loved. 

it was all so ironic, truly. arielle was dressed as an angel, a sparkly halo hovering above her head as if she wasn’t concomitantly sinning—shamelessly home-wrecking. and you could see it now: the embodiment of your relationship, or the so-called home you and your boyfriend shared. in your mind, it was ablaze and you were curled up all alone inside of it. you were left to succumb to the searing flames, burning to nothing ash while all that you and miles share burned beside you. 

the boy would come home to the walls still burning and in the process of self-purging. he wouldn’t find you, rather the remnants of what used to be you. the ash would slip through his dirty, unfaithful fingers as they trembled in horror. he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. he’d desperately try to grasp you. he’d try to save you and scoop debris into his sweaty palms so he could salvage what was left of you. still, there was nothing. there wasn't a single thing in the universe that could aid the way you felt in that moment.

now, miles would have to mourn you, for he killed you. and he didn’t even know it yet.

your eyes were squeezed shut because they had to be deceiving you. you must not be fully awake yet. the medicine must be making you hallucinate. you were dreaming. you were a hundred percent dreaming. that wasn’t miles. 

how could that be miles?

“i was looking for lani and found… them instead,” nae muttered. “i don’t know if he saw me take the picture, or what. i left to tell you right after.”

you swallowed hard. though a million different thoughts were racing through your mind, none of them came to be verbal. you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything, because what do you even say when something like this happens? would anything you said be enough? would any quantity of words in any given order be able you place the way you felt? unlikely. highly.

your eyes continue you gape at the photo, even though the sight was making your stomach churn. you couldn’t look away. your eyes were fixed on miles' hands on arielle's hips, then her hands cupping his cheeks. nae was still on facetime explaining whatever it was she was explaining, but you weren’t listening. her words were static to your ears. there was a pit in your stomach and it was growing deeper and deeper, your wounded heart subsiding along with it. you set your phone face down on the kitchen counter and began to clutch your stomach. you swore you were going to convulse and vomit from how ill you felt.

“[name]!” nae snapped her fingers into the mic. “yo, you still with me? i’m coming over. i’m gonna call an uber right now.”

you blinked and shook your head, flipping your phone back over and taking a deep breath. you couldn’t just shut down, not now. you had something you needed to confront. someone.

“no,” you sniffled. 

you didn’t even notice the hot tears rolling down your cheeks. you quickly swiped them away with the sleeve of miles’ hoodie. the realization that it was his hoodie you had on made you freeze up again for a few seconds, and then you buried your face in the palms of your hands.

“what do you mean ‘no?’” nae frowned, bringing the speaker up to her ear in case she heard you incorrectly.

your phone dinged three times. in your notification center were text messages from the devil himself.

miles: hey ma, i’m leaving now (11:25 pm) miles: the party was okay at first but it got boring (11:25 pm) miles: i’ll be there in like fifteen ❤️ (11:26 pm)

you just stared at the messages, biting your bottom lip until it began to draw blood as a plea for you to stop. the taste was metallic in your mouth, but your teeth didn’t budge. you didn't want miles over anymore, but it was far too late to tell him to turn around. it's not like he'd check his phone while he was driving, anyway.

“i keep losing you, girl."

you had forgotten all about nae for a second, her voice grounding you back to earth. you exhaled, your breath coming out unsteady. “miles is on his way over. after i talk to him, i’ll call you and you can come over then.”

“okay, babe,” nae nodded with a gentle sigh. 

“do… lani and sasha know?” “no, they don’t,” nae denied. “i wouldn’t tell them before you.” 

you pressed your lips together and silence engulfed your kitchen. you let your mind wander some more. after all this was over and done with, you'd have to explain to all of your loved ones that miles cheated on you. the very thought of having to tell everyone—your family, your friends, your dad—it embarrassed you. you couldn't stomach the very thought, so you exhaled deeply, opting to take it one step at a time. nae spoke again. “listen, if you don’t call or text me in, like, an hour, ima come over there.”

“okay," you nodded.

“remember that you deserve nothing but the best of the best. i love you so much, okay?”

“i know,” you tried to convene a smile. “i love you more.”

you hung up the phone and rid of any stray tears on your face. after nae's face vanished from your screen, you were left staring at you and your boyfriend's message thread. without putting much thought into it, you began to type.

‘cool, i’m jus—'

your fingers froze. you couldn’t text miles. he didn’t deserve anything so little as acknowledgment. you repeatedly hit backspace until the bar was blank and shut off your cell.

you sat idly on one of the kitchen stools behind the counter, your instant ramen long forgotten about. in the moment, you were feeling indifferent as a result of shock. still, you knew yourself better. when miles finally confessed his sins, you’d want to scream. you’d bombard him with a million questions at once, only to angrily invalidate any explanation that passed through his adulterous lips. you’d want to burn every handwritten love letter, every piece of clothing, and every gift, because they all meant nothing now.

he was a liar, and he knew it. if you could kill a man and face no consequences, miles might’ve been gone before he even walked through your door.

while you waited for him, you sat there and tortured yourself in thought. you couldn’t help it. was this planned? was this the first time? had he always thought of her like this? did he wish you were her when he was with you?

when you’d exhausted all of those questions, you began to think back to your own actions and behavior as you scrolled up on your texts with him. 

maybe i said something that upset him? but i think he would've told me... right..? or have i been distant? no, that’s not possible. we talk every day. is he bored of me? is that it? am i boring? none of these texts are showing signs of boredom, so what is it?

you'd soon resorted to flipping through the pages in your diary. you were really good about documenting your day-to-day life. if something happened with miles in the past that your brain wouldn’t let you dig up in the moment, surely you would’ve written it there. the pad of your index finger slid across the rough pages as your anguished eyes skimmed the entries. ten minutes in, you still couldn’t find a thing. you'd give anything for a straightforward answer, but you knew it wasn't going to come from miles himself.

when you heard a key grinding into the keyhole of the front door, you slammed your diary shut and jumped off of the stool, knocking it over in the process. you sprinted upstairs to your bedroom, shoving the journal under your pillow. as you trailed out of your room, you closed the door behind you and braced yourself for the worst. 

you shuffled back to the kitchen and picked up the stool from the floor, setting it upright. you caught a glimpse of miles unlacing his jordans at the front door. this was real. 

“hey. i thought you’d still be in bed,” miles grinned as he approached you, spreading his arms for a hug. he wasn’t in his costume, but in a red hoodie and black sweats. he must’ve gone home to change. his costume probably smelled like arielle’s designer strawberry-scented perfume, the one everyone compliments her on. she never shuts up about it.

“hi,” you whispered, accepting his hug in an attempt to seem normal. “i was, but i got hungry. how was the party?”

miles smelled like his favorite cologne, except the scent was unusually potent. it wasn't faded in the slightest like it normally was after he'd been out and around other people. the deplorable amount of effort he was making just to mask the truth infuriated you. it angered you even more that he clearly wasn't planning on telling you anything. if you hadn't seen it yourself, you might've never known.

“it was ight,” he shrugged, loosening his grip on you after a couple of seconds. you hated yourself for wanting to hug him for just a little while longer. he sure as hell didn’t deserve it, but for all you knew, that was the last time you’d be in his embrace. he let his hands fall down to your waist instead and it made you shiver on contact knowing he had his hands on arielle's waist not even a full hour ago. “would’ve been better with you there, y’know. you feelin’ okay now?"

“mostly, yeah,” you responded blandly, your throat tight and your voice fairly groggy. “still a bit tired.”

you didn’t know how to bring it up. this wasn't something you could beat around the bush about. you found yourself deep in thought. so deep to the point where you didn't notice that miles had started talking. you were busy staring off into space with half-lidded eyes, way past his gaze. he clocked it and moved his head so that your eyes were boring into his by force, his eyebrows lowering in concern.

“is everything okay?”

you cleared your throat and gently pushed his arms off your waist, stepping back as you began to blink back tears. there was no easing into it. standing there in front of miles pretending like everything was okay was already bad enough. it felt like you were twisting the knife that he plunged into your chest. eyes glossy, you swallowed hard and batted your lashes a few more times, desperately trying to rid of the tears that threatened to spill.

“i know you kissed arielle at the party,” you barely managed to speak the full sentence, your voice cracking when you spoke her name. “and i’m confused.”

miles’ eyebrows knitted to be one as if this news stunned him. you wished you could hear all his thoughts from start to finish after you spoke. you wanted to know whether he was planning to lie or tell the truth. would he gaslight you or admit to his wrongdoings? you wouldn’t find out now because you didn’t give him an option. this already hurt enough and it would end the same either way.

“nae told me. and she sent me pictures.”

silence fell between the two of you. it felt like it was eating you from the inside. the chirping of the crickets outside and the noise from the refrigerator running slightly compensated for it. not much.

“i just wanna know why you did it. and why her? why the girl that hates me with every last atom in her body?” you broke the silence, shrugging your shoulders. you were hugging your arms, rubbing them in an up-and-down motion as if you were cold.

miles was dumbfounded, guilt painting his features. he couldn’t meet your eyes anymore. you wondered what you would say if you were in his shoes, but it didn’t give you any insight because you knew you'd never do this to him, so you gave up. instead, you stared at the neat middle part in between his two signature braids that cascaded down the back of his head, down to his shoulders. you’d braided his hair only a couple days ago, back when nothing seemed impossible—nothing like now. 

though he wasn’t, miles’ hair still looked clean, freshly done even. what if arielle had redone his braids for him? she did say she was practicing, and she'd made it a goal to practice on him. you mentally cursed yourself for worrying about something as minuscule as miles' braids at a time like this. you didn't want to give yourself another reason to freak, but your brain wouldn’t let you rest. not even in silence. if miles wasn’t going to give you an answer, you’d send him on his way and come up with one by yourself.

“i don’t know why i did it,” he finally retorted.

“oh, word?” you laughed humorlessly. you were trying not to slap the hell out of his shamefully beautiful face. “it happened not even two hours ago. you know why you did it. your memory is sharp, it always has been, so tell me.”

miles exhaled, rubbing the palm of his hand on his forehead. “look, she came onto me while i was grabbing a soda. it was a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing! it didn’t mean any—“

“that’s what they all say, morales,” you cut him off with a scoff. “it didn’t mean anything but somehow you traveled from the kitchen downstairs to a spare bedroom upstairs so you could swap spit without anyone catching you?!” miles tried to speak, but you cut him off again. “were you even gonna tell me? because you came up in here acting like shit was sweet as if you weren’t just making out with the girl you swore i’d never have to worry about, meanwhile, i was home, sick! a fucking cold, miles!”

“i wasn’t gonna keep it to myself. i didn’t wanna hurt you,” miles said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “it wasn’t gonna happen again, i swear.”

none of the words miles spoke were convincing enough for you in the slightest, so you disregarded them.

“did i do something to you? are you holding a grudge about something and trying to get me back?!” you yelled, your voice trembling.

“no, it has nothing to do with you!” he hollered back, squeezing his eyes shut as if he was stressed out. he had no right.

“so then why the fuck would you go and do this shit?!” you were silent for a few seconds, chest heaving up and down while your heart beat out of your chest. your breath was sprinting away from you and you were trying to catch it. "it's bad enough that you kissed another girl, but arielle?"

miles pleaded, “it was a mistake.”

“damn right it was!” you narrowed your eyes to slits. “i can’t believe i trusted you, like, seriously. you’re sick.”

“i let you down, princessa, i know, i’m—“

“sorry?” you finished his sentence, folding your arms. you were far more angry than sad now. “miles, you weren’t sorry when you were kissing her. don’t be sorry now either. you were gonna kiss me with her bright pink lipgloss dried on your lips like it was nothing. you were gonna sit here and play me like i'm stupid. you were never gonna tell me!”

miles couldn’t counter that. he knew you were right, so it was back to uncomfortable silence apart from your hefty breathing and sniffles. miles had never seen you so angry. you'd never seen yourself so angry. there was no one else to blame but miles. you had no idea where to go from there. it was only after you asked the question that you were about to ask on impulse that you realized you should’ve wrapped this up many minutes before.

“is this the only time this has happened?”

miles was hesitant, his eyes growing wider. “yes!” he spat.

miles had a tell—not just his disinclination to answer your question the way he normally would, but also the way his eyebrows would position as if he wasn’t so sure himself. his teeth would clench behind his sealed lips, but you could tell because his jaw was tight and he swallowed hard, and he wouldn’t know what to do with his hands. 

you knew all of this about miles, yet you felt like you were gazing into the eyes of a stranger. 

this wasn’t the miles you fell in love with.

you muttered under your breath, “you know what? i’m wasting your time... and my own. you won’t have an answer that’s both truthful and something i wanna hear. we’re done, you and i. give me the key and get the hell out.”

“mami, come on—“

“nigga, deuces! i said leave!” you snapped as you backed away from him, holding your hand out.

miles dug deep in the right pocket of his black sweats, handing you the key. you flinched when your skin made contact with his. you didn't hesitate to trap the key in the palm of your hand, dropping your arm back down by your side. miles sighed to himself and trudged to the door to lace his shoes back up. you didn't even watch him leave, opting to turn around and battle the tears threatening to spill from your eyes instead. when you finally heard the front door shut, you rushed to lock it. you turned around and pressed your back to the door, face twisted in pure disbelief. 

this was real.

you slid down to the floor and pulled your knees to your chest, your cries echoing through your empty house. you’d never been more grateful that your father was gone for the weekend. miles wouldn’t have heard the end of it. at least now you had time to make up some lie to cover for miles' ass, and it'd be the last damn time.

not even five minutes passed before someone knocked on the front door three times and you sniffled. miles was going to drive you insane. “go the fuck away!”

“it’s me, baby,” a muffled voice said from outside, but it’s one you recognize, and it’s most definitely not miles.

you wiped your tears with the sleeve of miles’ hoodie and stood up, twisting the lock to open the door for your best friend. she was holding a box of pizza in her hand with a tote bag strap over her shoulder.

“you’re early,” you mumbled, one of your hands pressed against the rim of the door.

“i ubered home and got my car. when i got here, i just parked and waited,” nae pushed past you. you closed the door and locked it again, following her to the kitchen, where she set the box of pizza down on the countertop. “you wouldn’t have called me either way. i know you.”

she was right. you weren’t mad at her for being there though. she had always been so good to you.

nae walked over to the dining table and placed her tote bag in one of the chairs. “i brought your favorite type of pizza, and i stopped by the store to grab some snacks and soda. those are still in my car though, so—”

“i don’t think i can stomach anything right now,” you stated as you rubbed your arm. “i broke up with miles.”

saying that out loud felt weird. and final.

“oh, my love,” nae’s brows lowered and she shuffled over to you with open arms. she wrapped them around you and you did the same, sighing into her shoulder. you really didn't want to cry.

it hadn’t been long and you were already over feeling the way you did. you wanted to fast forward to the part where you got over miles for good. as an attempt to console you, nae was rubbing your back in a circular motion. 

“you did the right thing,” she spoke lowly.

you withdrew from the hug and slightly opened your mouth, fixing to ask nae a question only god knew how to answer. “why did he do it though?”

she led you to the couch in your living room and sat you down, massaging her thumb over yours in a back-and-forth motion as your hand stayed clasped in hers. you stared down at your lap, sniffling every couple of seconds and swiping away stray tears.

“boys are just greedy, babe,” she shook her head. “so very greedy. they want it all. there are so many different reasons why people cheat. it’s difficult to pinpoint just one. my random guess is that… miles has issues?"

“issues?” 

“mm-hmm,” she hummed. “internally. maybe he's insecure about himself, i don't know. whatever it is, it doesn’t justify infidelity. you were more than enough, it was him who was lacking."

“i don't get it. i mean, none of this makes any sense… unless i'm blind or stupid, it came out of nowhere. literal thin air. and when i asked, he said he didn't know why he kissed her,” you muttered.

nae sighed. “even if he isn't lying, he still did it.”

“i know,” you nodded. “and i'm sure it wasn't the first time. that’s why i left him.”

“and i’m so proud of you for that,” nae gave your hand a tight squeeze. “walking away isn’t easy for anyone. it takes forever for some people, but you did it just like that.” 

“yeah, well, i kinda had to. it’s bad enough that arielle is gonna rub it in my face until we graduate, and even after that, she’ll probably find a way to .”

“there won’t be any of that,” nae promised. “miles isn’t going to take her seriously—if he even takes her at all. he lost you because of what he did with that bitch. he won’t even be able to look at her without feeling guilty.”

“she can have him, i don’t care either way,” you scoffed. that was a lie. you did care. you cared more than you’d let on if you ever even admit it.

“yeah, you do,” nae raised an eyebrow as if she had effortlessly read your mind. “let yourself feel. it’s how you’ll heal.”

“oh, i’m feeling alright. i’m weighing the pros and cons of murder,” you shakily exhaled, balling up your fists and closing your eyes. “i can’t believe this nigga. seriously.” 

“i’d help you, but i’m not going to jail for him and neither are you.”

you let out a soft sigh, your gaze now fixed on your lap. the tears welling up in your eyes were beginning to cloud your vision. how someone could throw away so many years of loving one another so easily was so far beyond you.

“nae, i’ve been with miles for so long. he’s always been there—i don’t know how to be without him. he’s why i gave love a chance after swearing not to... now he’s shattered my perception of it. the worst part is i should hate him, but i don't. somehow, i still love him and—”

“hey,” nae cut you off. “that’s normal. how you feel is normal.”

you sniffled. “is it?"

“pshh, girl, yeah,” nae assured you, flicking out her wrist. “listen, breakups are terrible. you’re gonna cry and scream. you’re gonna wish you never met him. you’re going to go through old texts, swipe through old photos, and mope in his hoodies. all of that is okay. the worst thing you could ever do to yourself is force yourself not to feel,” nae paused. “if this is who he really is, then it's not your loss. i know it doesn't feel like that right now, but trust me... it just takes time. i don't know how long, but i know my best friend, so no matter how long it takes, you’ll be better than good without miles. i promise." "i'm still gonna miss him," you muttered, sniffling and drying your tears as they fell. nae wrapped her arm around you and exhaled. you sobbed into her shoulder, releasing all the pent-up frustration you'd been concealing in the name of keeping your cool. you'd never felt so inconsolable in your life. "i know, babe. i know."

❤︎₊ ⊹

it was late. 3:28am. time had never moved so slowly. you were genuinely considering calling 911 and telling them you were suffering from a heart attack. you were thoroughly convinced that this was damn near the same exact thing.

the moon wasn’t full tonight, but a waning crescent. it reflected you and how soulless and dejected you felt. the moonshine bleeding through your curtains was also the only source of light you would tolerate, the rest of your bedroom completely dark. you lay on your side facing the window, allowing the icy gusts of wind to hit your face. you were practically drowning in a sea of blankets all while still being in miles’ black hoodie.

nae was gone. she’d left about two hours ago, but not before suffocating you in countless hugs and forcing you to eat a slice of pizza and drink two glasses of water, despite your not wanting to ingest anything due to your unwavering nausea. you told her you’d be okay alone. you knew you wouldn’t and so did she, but you wanted to be alone, so she gave you your space and promised to check in on you when the sun rose. you loved nae dearly and you'd never take her for granted. you felt lucky to have such a kindhearted best friend.

you'd been in a 1v1 with your thoughts for a while now. your phone was powered off and shut away in one of your nightstand drawers to help resist urges. you hated that you wanted to call miles, but you did. you wanted to scream at him. belittle him until you just couldn’t anymore. and you wanted him to sit there and watch you do it without protest. you wanted him to be honest and tell you the truth. you wanted him to promise it would never happen again, and then you wanted to curl up under the covers of your bed with him and sob in his arms while he planted kisses on your forehead, apologizing profusely. you wanted him to tell you he loved you until you believed it again.

you couldn’t do any of that—you wouldn’t. it’d mean you have no respect for yourself. it felt like you hardly had any now, so you needed to keep the scarce amount that remained.

your thoughts were blank and sporadic all at once. you’d never been through a breakup, but you had a rough idea of how these things go, so you spent some time mapping it out in your head.

you'd eventually have to meet up to exchange one another's belongings. maybe rio would apologize on miles’ behalf and say she’d always love you. she’d call you a couple times a week. the calls would eventually come slower and grow more infrequent. soon, the calls wouldn’t come at all. even if there was the acknowledgment that rio’s arms were always open for you, they’d still feel closed. you'd treat them as such.

you'd barely eat because you couldn't stomach a single thing. you'd rot in your bed and binge all your favorite movies and shows. you'd go to war with the urge to run back to miles. you'd read old diary entries where you were gushing about how much you loved him and how amazing he was to you. you'd look back at old photos and videos. you'd reread old texts until you were sobbing so hard that you couldn't breathe.

you'd write letters that nobody was ever going to see and all the tears you shed would smudge the black ink and ruin your fancy penmanship. you'd lie to your dad and tell him that your relationship had just run its course and that you and miles needed to work on yourselves. your friends would check in on you, and of course, you'd tell them that you were okay every time, even if that was the furthest from that.

word gets around fast. when this dreadful weekend was over and monday crept up on you, you'd have to return to school and deal with the piercing stares and shameless gossip. you weren't ready for any of it, because now, everyone at school would know you as the girl who got cheated on by her long-term boyfriend for arielle. rumors would spread. words would be twisted and lies would be told, both about you and miles. in retrospect, it was all the more embarrassing for miles, but you still felt utterly humiliated. not to mention that you had no doubt in your mind that arielle was ready to run to his defense, preferably by kicking you when you're down.

sometimes, just for a fleeting moment, you'd forget about it all and your mind would go quiet. your heart wouldn't swell in longing and you wouldn't feel sick to your stomach. it never did last long before the same thoughts you desperately wanted to leave you alone started to pester you again. "but you two seemed so in love!" nosy girls at your school masking their prying motives behind what they thought were "supportive words" would soon tell you. the worst part is that you'd never know how to respond, because you thought you and miles were in love too. he was your sun and you were his moon. how could you so quickly forget that the sun didn't need the moon to shine, it was the other way around? you thought it was and always would be your heart tethered to his, but now you were left with a broken chain and a heartache.

you thought things would be different with miles. you truly did. now you knew that anyone could screw you over even if they crossed their heart. there weren't any exceptions, not anymore. miles proved that you can do everything right and still get done wrong. it wasn't fair. you should've known you weren't exempt from something like this happening, yet you still let yourself believe you were. maybe you jinxed it, or maybe you thought your case was special. maybe you thought this would never happen because you believed you were special. you only did because he made you feel that way.

you were sick and tired of brooding over your misfortune. you rolled onto your back with a frustrated groan and gaped at your ceiling, the cold air from outside still blowing against the side of your face. as exhausted as you were, sleep just wouldn't grant you sanction in its assuaging embrace.

what hurt the most is that you were so sure that you'd bagged a kind of love that was for the books. the kind of love you thought you could only dream about. though you weren't searching for him, the stars sent you miles morales. in your eyes, he was perfect. you loved and adored him, and swore he was your soulmate, made just for you. he was godsent and you never wanted to let him go, until tonight, when you learned that you were never the one who needed to hold on to begin with.

you came to the humbling conclusion that maybe the reason people told tales of faultless love was because real love was far too sickening to bear. it was merely a way to cope. nothing more, nothing less. maybe "happily ever after" had been a hoax all along. all the fairytales you had read growing up always began with “once upon a time”, but your story with miles ended with it, because loving him was easy—once upon a time.

august 2023

you felt as though you were melting into your mattress as you lay in your bed on your stomach idly. soon enough, you would be nothing but a puddle of liquid that your sheets and your covers were forcefully drenched in. you had tried so incredibly hard not to mull over the loss of your ex-girlfriend, and for some time, you didn’t do so at all. 

for the first few weeks of the summer, you dismissed the aching feeling in your chest entirely and feigned stability, carrying out your habitual summertime regimen. you went on nightly strolls when the moon was shining a little too bright for you to fall under. when it wasn’t too hot out, you’d venture to the lake and journal thoughts that didn’t involve her. it was therapeutic the way your pen glided across the sheets of paper with ease, and you found solace in the green grass beneath your fingers, coupled with the way the sun kissed your delicate skin. you dove even deeper into the artistry of baking, discovering new recipes and modifying older ones. your method seemed to be working efficiently, because by the end of each and every day, you were far too worn out to give anything else so little as half of a thought.

no matter what, you refused to confront your feelings. what you didn’t yet realize was that pretending like your feelings didn’t exist wasn’t going to stop them from eating you from the inside out whether you liked it or not.

that’s exactly what they did. your efforts had essentially gone to waste. 

one night, something in you just snapped. you could only ignore the tugs at your heartstrings until they turned into painful yanks. you couldn’t stand to bury your hurt anymore, so you dug it up. the oppressive ache of losing both of your best friends in such a short time period plagued your being from then on. you felt dead.

being locked away in your bedroom made you lose track of time. days turned into weeks and weeks turned into the entire summer. you had unfortunately succumbed to the desolation and the seclusion that your body had been begging to enervate you with, and the gelidity that had been nipping at your soul had overpowered your suffocating routine and broken you.

were just there and residing inside of you, the only escape being the tears that spilled from your eyes not intermittently, but only when you let yourself think about gwen too much in one day.

you didn't grieve how you should've. you’d willingly let sorrow consume you. it was who you were now.

summer break was coming to a close. the first day of your senior year was just a week away from the night jules came over to check in on you. she did these checks because your parents were usually on business trips, giving you the freedom to rot in bed without anyone’s knowledge. 

jules came sometime in the evening. she found you snuggled in your bed, blankets layered on top of your exhausted figure. your tv was playing a movie, but you weren’t paying attention, nor did you know what movie was on. you were facing the wall, staring blankly. you’d been doing so for some time. it’s not like it was on purpose.

“hey girl, i brought you some chinese food,” jules announced with a soft sigh. 

you heard a plastic bag crinkling in unison with jules’ footsteps. she set the plastic bag down on the surface of your desk, knowing you’d get up and eat when you were hungry. she briefly inspected your room and picked up a few items that she noticed were out of place. earlier on in the summer, you’d fallen into the habit of having an untidy room. you quickly fixed that when you realized it only made you feel worse about yourself, so now, your room was almost always spotless.

jules said, “you changed your curtains.”

“i did,” you confirmed monotonously. your old curtains were white, embroidered with baby blue floral designs. the new ones you had put up were light pink blackout curtains.

“they’re cute.” “thanks. and thanks for the food.”

you thought jules was simply making sure you were still breathing, dropping off food, and leaving, because that’s how these things usually went. instead, she sat near the foot of your bed, the cushiony mattress slowly shifting under her. it urged you to roll over and sit up, a puzzled expression painted on your face as you stared at jules.

“school’s about to re-open,” she reminded you.

“i’m very aware,” you nodded, releasing an exasperated sigh. 

she nodded slowly, squinting her eyes at you slightly. “right, so… have you packed? done any school shopping?”

“no…” you shook your head.

“you do know when your orientation is, right?”

you tapped your chin repeatedly for a few moments as if the answer was stored in a file deep inside your brain, and you needed to retrieve it before offering up a response “…yeah, no.” 

“it’s tomorrow!” jules exclaimed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

you flopped back down onto your mattress, clearly uninterested. “i can just skip this one. they talk about the same shit every time. it’s really not worth it.”

“it’s mandatory,” jules added. like it would change your mind.

“mandatory, my ass,” you rolled your eyes, yanking your blanket back over you. “how do you even know about this?”

“someone’s gotta keep up. you won’t. i know you better.” 

you didn’t give her a reply, in lieu turning over on your back so you could fix your eyes on the ceiling.

jules exhaled your name, her eyebrows now furrowed in concern. “i’m leaving in two days to go back to houston. i won’t be able to check in like this anymore…” she laid down next to you, joining you in your staring contest with the overhead of your bedroom. “i need you to start taking better care of yourself. no more staying inside twenty-four-seven. you’re gonna go on walks and–”

“walks?” you cut in with a scoff. "seriously?”

“you used to love walks!”

“i liked going on them with gwen.”

you grimaced deeply as soon as you said her name. it left a bad taste in your mouth, but it was true. back when you were dating, you and gwen would regularly go on late-night walks together when sleep wouldn’t have either of you. it was something you two had been doing ever since you were kids, so it stuck with you when you got into a relationship, and even after you called it quits.

“look,” jules began. “i know you miss her, but this breakup is seriously becoming an obstacle. if you keep up like this, you’re gonna ruin your future. all i ask is that you make an effort–”

you planted the palms of your hands on the mattress and used them to arise from your spot, speaking over your cousin in a rather accusatory manner, “you think i’m not making an effort?” 

“you didn’t let me finish,” jules replied, her expression hardening. “all i ask is that you make an effort to try and do some of the things you used to. don’t rush things. that didn’t go well last time.”

you looked down at your lap, sinking your teeth into your bottom lip. you felt embarrassed at how defensive you got. you knew jules was right anyhow. she was only trying to help.

“you’ve worked so hard, from the moment you got into that school. it can’t be for nothing. don’t let it be.” 

you pressed your lips together and a puff of air shot out through your nose. jules was right–again. it was your senior year. you just needed to push through those ten months, no matter how harrowing they felt.

“i haven’t even finished packing,” you mumbled. the fact that you didn’t condemn the idea elicited a smile of hope on your older cousin’s face.

jules hopped off the bed, pulling on either of your arms so you were sitting up. “so we’ll pack. don’t worry, girl. you’re gonna have a great year, okay?”

you nodded, though you didn’t believe that in the slightest. “okay.”

you couldn’t subdue the doubt that you’d never be able to seal the deep puncture in your soul. maybe this was one of those wounds that time couldn’t heal.

the next day arrived faster than you wanted it to. you were pining for the familiar comfort of your bed, eager to escape senior orientation. you were sitting in a fold-up chair, your bottom growing numb from the hard, rough plastic. it’d been a prolonged thirty minutes of various staff explaining things such as college, scholarships, test scores, clubs, sports, community service, and dorms. you weren’t mentally present for the vast majority of it, rather exhausting your social media apps or contemplating ideas that weren’t relevant in the slightest.

out of curiosity, your eyes scanned the room for familiar faces. you weren’t met with anyone you recognized, but forgettable faces that would star as background characters in your future dreams.

you left a little bit before orientation officially concluded to get a head start on unpacking your suitcase. jules was already in your dorm, awaiting your arrival so she could help you unpack since she knew you’d been putting it off.

on your way to student housing, you passed by one of the larger gyms. you were greeted with a familiar warmth in your chest, then it tightened when you remembered. you halted immediately and took a few steps backward to peek inside. it was the gym you attended your first and only prom in—the prom peter died at.

it was like his soul and his energy still resided within–like he was haunting it. 

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

december 2022

you and gwen strolled into the faintly lit and thoroughly decorated gym alongside each other. the cooler lighting cast a gentle hue of purple over the both of you. the white spotlights whirling around the gym heavily illuminated the area as opposed to the ones that weren’t as harsh. a crescent moon hung gracefully from the ceiling above the stage on the other side of the gym, alternating between tinges of blue, pink, and purple. dangling from the ceiling and decorating the walls were strings of silver stars, exuding the illusion of a starry night.  

you liked your outfit. you had on a short, sparkly, fitted black dress with thin spaghetti straps. you wore black stockings over your legs and black heels on your feet. your earrings were simple but cute: sparkly moon studs. a silver necklace with a shiny star pendant hung around your neck, resting in between your two collarbones. the girl beside you wore a black, grunge leather jacket, with various pins decorating the collar over her pink high-low skirted dress. to accessorize, she wore a dark-colored choker around her neck, two pearl necklaces, and identical pearl earrings that matched the neckpieces. black belts decorated her hips, hanging loosely. she had told you she was going for a nineties kind of look and you thought she totally nailed it.

both you and the blonde wore matching pink rose corsages around your wrists. peter was going to have the other piece pinned to the jacket of his suit. since none of you had dates, you decided to go together as friends. you had yet to spot him though.

you and gwen walked further into the gym, wrapping up the conversation you’d been having on the way in. gwen’s bandmates all waved at you and gwen from one of the drink tables and you two waved back.

“you excited to play?” you asked gwen, gesturing to the instruments that were already set up on the stage. mj had pulled a few strings, and now her band was going to play near the end of the dance.

“excited, yeah. also a little nervous,” she admitted.

“don’t be, you’ll do great,” you slung your arm around her shoulders, flashing her a toothy grin. your eyes wandered the gym, searching for the last piece to your trio, but you couldn’t find him.

“hey, where’s peter?” gwen asked you.

“i was wondering the same…” you took your arm back and squinted into the distance, standing on your tip-toes and trying to see over the heads of other students. “i thought he was catching a ride with harry, but he should be here by now.”

“i don’t see harry either,” gwen groaned. “jesus christ, i hope they didn’t bail.”

you shook your head. “peter wouldn’t do that.” “yeah, you’re right,” gwen shook her head. “let’s split up. i’ll text you if i find him.” “cool, me too.”

you weaved through the crowds of people, muttering small “excuse me’s” and “sorry’s” as needed. despite your efforts, your eyes never came to land on the familiar lanky brunette with glasses. you turned on your heel, beginning to make your way to the opposite side of the gym. at the same time, you checked your phone. no text from gwen. you shoved your cell back in your purse and made your way to one of the drink tables, grabbing a can of your favorite soda and popping it open. your eyes continued to sweep the crowds in the gym as you leaned on the table, your quiet sigh drowned out by the loud music reverberating throughout the gym.

“lookin’ good,” a sonorous voice suddenly said from behind you, disconnecting you from your thoughts. 

your eyebrows lowered before you had even processed who the voice belonged to. you craned your neck to the left to see none other than ned leeds smirking at you, him and his stupid blonde mohawk. you couldn’t help but roll your eyes, then close them before exhaling.

ned continued, “way too good to hang with that nerd and his girlfriend.”

“excuse you,” gwen’s voice scoffed before you could rebut, leaving you confused as to where she even came from. “peter is not my boyfriend.”

“and your compliment was ass!” you added, the blonde’s fingers simultaneously wrapping around your free wrist.

ned looked like he was itching to fire back at you, but gwen was already pulling you away by your arm, her grip firm. she led you to an area that was less populated.

“g, i’d like to keep my circulation,” you said to her once you both had stopped, wiggling your arm around. “right, sorry,” she chuckled awkwardly, letting go of your wrist and clearing her throat. “i didn’t find peter.”

you rubbed your wrist and breathed out, “neither did i. didn’t see harry either.” “i did. he was with some girl, and told me that peter was going to find another way here.”

your eyebrows raised. “peter said that?”

“according to harry, yeah,” gwen pressed her lips together, folding her arms anxiously. “and may told me peter’s not home.”

“shit…” you muttered.

gwen’s eyes suddenly narrowed and her neck snapped so she was facing the opposite side of the gym. mere seconds later, the wall fell apart, screams erupting as debris fogged up the air around you. you pulled gwen towards one of the exits as what appeared to be an oversized green lizard stormed further into the gym, the impact shaking the ground and sending you straight for the floor. gwen caught you, helping you gain balance again before you both sprinted out of the gym.

“i gotta go! get out of here!" gwen directed.

“what?!” you yelled, having barely heard your best friend over all the chaos in the background. 

“trust me!"

she took off, disappearing into the debris as more and more students rushed out. what was she thinking? you were left conflicted. in the moment, you didn't trust her at all. how could you? as much as you wanted to go in there and talk some sense into her, you’d be a fool to run into that gym after her.

“gwen!”

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

june 2023

“gwen!”

two gentle taps to gwen’s shoulder pulled her out of her head. 

“yo, death leopard,” a voice called out. “something wrong?”

gwen turned around to see her bandmate, mj standing behind her, arms folded over her chest. she looked half irritated and half annoyed. gwen cleared her throat, a shade of red sneaking up under her pale, freckled cheeks. she swallowed thickly and only then did it click that she was still at band practice, not prom.

she then spoke, “no, everything’s good.”

“cool, so could you maybe start playing the drums on three?”

“huh?” gwen glanced down at the drum set below her in confusion, then back at her friends.

“we counted off three different times, but your head was in space, star girl,” glory explained.

“could you even hear us?” betty inquired, a worrisome frown etched on her face.

not at all.

gwen had been deep in thought, the world surrounding her now irrelevant as the tragedy that transpired at prom replayed in her head like a broken record. the fatal blow gwen delivered to the lizard followed by the discovery that it was peter all along was stuck on loop. she didn’t mean to kill him—spider-woman never kills anyone. that’s not what the media and the press thought though, and sure as hell not what gwen’s father, the police chief thought, either. 

gwen recalled desperately throwing rocks and rubble off of her best friend, holding his face in her hands as her body went numb. his hair was shaggy and coated with dust from the foundation of the broken wall. his eyes were half-lidded, his brown irises appearing to have had the life sucked out of them.

“i just wanted to be special… like you, gwen.”  he had said. gwen didn’t know what he meant. she didn't think there was anything special about her. she felt like the most useless person on the planet, especially in that moment.

her job was twenty times harder now. for the rest of her life, she’d have to fight off supervillains while the cops were hot on her trail. for the rest of her life, she’d have to live with the guilt that she took her best friend’s life. she’d have to listen to her father complain about how spider-woman ruins lives. how she ruined may’s life, and his life–and hers. given the way gwen’s life was going, she wouldn’t argue him on it. she lost peter and she lost you. ever since, she felt as though she was living on autopilot, far too busy to have any time to grieve properly. to feel.

gwen couldn't talk to anyone. there wasn’t a single person she could confide in–except for you. the only issue was gwen didn’t just break up with you, she had severed you two’s connection entirely, giving you the impression that she wanted nothing to do with you.

gwen was unsure how to respond to the questions that still hung in the air, so she only stared further, her eyes darting between betty and glory, who both awaited her answer.

mj sighed. “are you sure you’re okay? it’s okay if you’re not, we all have our days.”

“yeah, i’m good. i just spaced out,” gwen insisted, though the girl before her was extremely unconvinced.

mj walked back to her mic, ripping it from the stand and unplugging the wire. “let’s just end early today. i think we all deserve a break, yeah?”

betty and glory nodded in unison. gwen stared at her lap in pure defeat. this was the second band practice that ended earlier than scheduled that week because her mind was somewhere else. she eventually packed up her drum set and migrated off stage to the second row of seats in the seating area. once betty and glory were gone, mj joined gwen, sitting in a seat to the left of her.

“look, we have a festival to play at in three weeks. that’s really not a lot of time,” mj furrowed her eyebrows. “but i’m more worried about you. what’s really going on?”

gwen never was one to open up. even if she wanted to, she couldn’t. she couldn’t tell anyone about the double life she took on, so nobody would ever be able to even begin to understand the grief that came with peter’s passing. you still tried. even though you were mourning peter too, you still managed to bring gwen’s walls down and held her hand gently, assuring her that what happened wasn't her fault. teaching her that she wasn’t a burden for feeling, because feeling was what made her human. it wasn’t a surprise that gwen built those walls again right after your breakup.

gwen couldn’t even give the redhead a proper response before two honks blared from outside, but they both know she would’ve dismissed it anyway. 

“that’s probably my dad,” gwen muttered, grabbing her tote back and slowly rising up from the chair. she pulled the tote over her shoulder and began to walk away, but she stopped and looked over her shoulder. “i’ll be better next rehearsal. promise.”

mj watched with worried eyes as gwen left. gwen held her breath until she was behind those double doors. 

mj knew there was something gwen wasn’t telling her.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

april 2023

it was a cool friday evening. the refreshing spring air that the month of april so kindly delivered blew against your soft skin. the sunset looked heavenly that day. the sky dyed with warmer colors as opposed to the usual blue, the contrast in the differing tinctures painting the clouds a salmony pink. you were walking to your girlfriend’s apartment with the intention of spending the night. you two had planned in advance, so it had been the only thing one your mind just about that entire week. even though you’d had an argument a couple of days prior, you wouldn’t say it was detrimental to your relationship.

that was until you arrived at her apartment.

it may sound fucked up, but the truth was that after peter’s death, when you found out that gwen was spider-woman, you didn’t think anything else could possibly come between you two, since the secrecy that came with gwen being a superhero had always been where your doubts had stemmed, though you didn’t know it at the time.

when you learned of gwen’s alter ego, you also learned to empathize with her. you understood if she missed a few movie nights. you didn’t snap at her if she left you high and dry at restaurants where you were supposed to be having dates at. you didn’t mind having to go on a couple of nightly strolls alone, and you didn’t get angry when she’d show up at your window with injuries, because none of it was out of the blue or suspicious anymore.

in retrospect, you hadn’t realized how chaotic your relationship was. you were far too busy being caught up in the highest highs to really stop and think about it. the lows practically descended as low as the bottom of an ocean floor, where no land was in sight from the surface of the water, and the memory of the highs was the only thing that helped you stay afloat.

albeit you and gwen hadn’t had a low in a while, your most recent argument had to do with her tendency to distance herself when she gets stressed or when things got difficult. you thought you two had worked through it, enforcing healthy communication like you agreed to. at the end of it all, the issue was resolved (temporarily, anyway.) you thought that meant progress. 

oh, how wrong you were.

you arrived at her complex and knocked on the door, pressing your lips together as you waited. a couple of seconds later, you heard the lock twist and the door opened. gwen was in one of her hoodies and black sweats, the back of her hair bunched into a pink claw clip while a few of the front pieces hung loosely. she looked disheveled, to say the least. tired.

“hey,” you spoke first.

gwen cleared her throat. “hi.”

you squinted at her as she maneuvered around the open door, shutting it behind her and clearing her throat. you stared at her in confusion while she stared at you in what you could only make out to be woe.

“is everything okay? can i come in?”

gwen opened her mouth to speak but then hesitated. her left thumb was making back-and-forth motions on her right one, an unspoken tell that she was stressed or nervous.

“gwen, i’m talking to you.”

she shook her head. “i know. sorry.”

“is something going on?” you reiterated.

“yeah, i forgot to call you,” she said, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear.

“about?”

she exhaled. “we can’t do the sleepover today.”

your face morphed into one of confusion. “why not?”

there weren’t any villains terrorizing the city, otherwise you wouldn’t even be face to face with gwen. you hadn’t hung out with her one on one in about two weeks, so she’d had plenty of space and time to herself.

“i think i need some time to think about a few things,” she told you, her voice low.

you froze. you were at loss for words entirely. 

“okay… um…” your voice trailed off, searching through your scattered brain for something to respond with.

“you didn’t do anything, i promise,” gwen clarified as she hugged her arms, tugging at the fabric of her hoodie. “it’s me.”

“you wanna talk about it?” you offered.

“no,” gwen replied quicker and harsher than she meant to, causing your eyes to widen. “sorry—no. i just need some time to myself,” she corrected herself, her tone softer. “for a little longer than a while.”

“oh,” you retorted. “yeah, no, i understand.”

“thanks,” she coerced a smile, but it was weak.

you nodded and both of you stood in silence for a few moments before gwen turned on her heel, retreating back to the warmth of her apartment and leaving you alone on the other side of the door. she didn’t offer to walk you back home, or even hug you. you sighed in disappointment and began to walk back the way you came. you were heavily conflicted. apart from the fact that she had basically just told you she needed space indefinitely, all you could think about was how your interaction with gwen had felt stale, or unnatural. something felt different, although you couldn’t put your finger on it. gwen was without a doubt distancing herself again, you knew that, but it wasn’t the same as all the other times. there was some kind of uncertainty to it.

your thoughts were so loud.

was that a breakup? no. it couldn’t have been. she just said she needed space—but why from me?

your head was already pounding and it got worse the more you thought about the possibility, so you opted to let it go. just for a little while. you told yourself, it isn’t a breakup it’s just a break. 

that’s all it is.

©maliland