Biking for me has been a huge metaphor of my time here. When you bike you move by your own strength. No fuel, no gas, no injection of external energy is needed since the system of your very own limbs propels you forward. And it pretty much wraps up what I have been feeling and experiencing lately.
Independence is harsh. Getting, autonomously and freely, ripped off out of everything that every defined you - your sheets, your soulmates, your creative place, your land, your therapist, your dog, your language, your night late talks- is painful, and yet necessary. Necessary in order to understand you out of everything that has ever constituted your limits. Though it sounds hardous, distasteful and excruciating, it is also tremendously enriching. To learn to stand on your own, and spend time unaccompanied, means coming back home and know that your own love has to fill you and that should, and ought to, be enough. That you should make your own sandwich. We are not used to it. At least I was not. I was constantly relying on his and hers to help me lifting me up in times of neediness, insecurity and god damn silly thoughts. God knows I had those. I am trying not to be so clinging, I guess.
When you eliminate all external factors you encounter something else. There is no room for hide and seek. I am learning there is nothing at the other side of the river. And yet, there is everything you that you ever wanted. You just have to create it. With your very own flesh and bones. Then you feel the breeze in your hair and a irredeemable sense of freedom comes with. To be honest, yeah, I sense thats what biking is really all about.
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