Dead
So yeah, I've finally come to the acknowledgement, that I'm really weak.
Not just weak, but really damaged. I don't like talking to anyone about this, but this'll be a comfortable outlet. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who also had really low self esteem has reminded me of my flaws. I wish the past could be undone, but now I feel like 20 years of my life have been wasted, and I wish I could blame my parents for this, but I only have my self to blame for not changing myself when I had the opportunity. My father was a very emotionally and physically abusive man. I guess that's why I wind up in relationships with women who hurt me, and I cling onto them because maybe I feel that's what I deserve. My mother was the opposite, she was very loving, very over-protective, but my father would verbally abuse her in the crudest ways every time. We were forced to take his side every time, he would insult her in front of us, forcing us to see her lower than him, so despite her love, her voice was suppressed in our family life while growing up. It was all about impressing him, for him to be proud of us. He'd continuously beat us, my sibling and I, for the most stupidest things. I remember when I was 5 years old, he asked my friend and I a math question. It's as if he was measuring our potentials, and trying to gauge how successful I'd be based off of that. He asked a simple multiplication question, and my friend answered it quicker than I did. He was older, he was 9, and he knew his "times table" while I was learning basic addition subtraction arithmetic and counting lol.... He then asked me " what took you so long?" I was confused out of my mind on what was asked, and why he would ask me that. Then he abruptly punched me really hard on my belly. I couldn't breath, he literally took the air out of my lungs at that moment. I fell to the ground immedietly and cried. I was confused what he asked me about, why he hit me, and the 9 year old found it funny, and laughed. After seeing this, the 9 year olds mother got up, and their family left our house seeing the obscene situation. My dad further kicked me a couple times, and whipped me with a belt, calling me a lot of curse words in our language. My mother pulled him back and told him to calm down, and cool off...? And so he pushed her away and told her this is all HER FAULT, and then he made her prepare dinner that moment, and after eating he went to sleep. I remember that day vividly, and there were plenty more out there. I guess he didn't have the best family to grow up in either, my grandfather divorced my grandmother and married her cousin, and then divorced her too, and married twice after in life. My father grew up without his father much in his life, but very much loved him, however after the divorce my grandmother moved very far from her old home with the rest of the family, to a place in the country that was much more diverse with other ethnicities. My mother and father share a different racial background. My father exhibits very racist tones and behaviours towards my mothers family. Appointing ugliness and stupidity to them, while "normal"/beauty and intelligence and success to his family. That was ironic though, because my mothers family was filled with success, from her father being a barrister/lawyer/judge, while her brothers were station managers in airports, accountants, bankers. While my fathers was entirely business, except he and one of his brothers were science/engineering backgrounds. I believed his warped reality, and I hate myself for believing it still. He's ethnically a Pashtun. His family are white-skinned, hazel eyed, blue eyed, attractive prominent caucasian features, and with the stereotype the Pashtuns have in our country, they are deemed more "beautiful" people compared to the rest. My mother is of Bangali descent. Her family...her mother was very white, light brown hair, and hazel eyes (she for the most part did not look Bengali at all, and looked rather European or Central Asian to say the least), while her father was dark and indian looking, and his features were predominant in most of her family, like some sort of curse. My father was very controlling. He chose who would be our friends and who wouldn't while growing up. He'd insult my intelligence all the time, calling me stupid, retarded, and deriving all of my traits from my mother. Blaming her for me, saying he had high hopes, but all shattered because of her genes. He was never really supportive of me throughout my endeavours throughout my adolescence years. As I grew older I started to possess mixed traits between him and my mother. Whenever people made remarks that I somewhat look like him from a certain angle, he would immediately dispell it proclaiming that was a good joke. Then in the car, he would go on about how visually impaired people are. He would often boast about my cousins from his side of the family, they were fortunate enough to be more "pure". My father married my mother, via arrange marriage, my grandmother and father were in a fight prior to my grandmother telling him " I've found a woman for you to marry, I have no picture to show you, come and marry her so we can be a family again". She was using this as leverage, for her "love" for my father. He used marrying my mother as an opportunity to patch up any bad blood between himself and his mother. When she first arrived from overseas, he didn't even pick her up from the airport. When she called him, their first words exchanged were my father cursing my mother in absolute rage, calling her stupid and retarded for having trouble finding him. I don't blame my mother, he should have picked her up from the airport considering she's come from a third world country to a first world, the culture shock, the subtle language barrier, seriously? My father only put his hopes and dreams in my success, he could care less about anything else. I am supposed to be the extension of himself, to brag about, nothing more. His continuous taunts throughout my teenage years ( I was chubby back then), forced me into the gym. I found solace in the gym, it was my most favorite place to be in. I trained hard everyday, to push myself passed my limits, to prove to myself that I'm not what my father thinks of me as. I can't say it was easy, but I got to a point, where I transformed, and changed my life. I grew much taller, I became really fit and healthy, I looked much better than before. Of course, it still wasn't enough. He still denounces me. I had endeavours in med school...and he crushed them (although not pursuing med school has little to do with his input on it, because I could really care less about his opinion on my professional endeavours in life at this point). Telling me he doesn't want to die within a decade to not see me as a successful person in a respected profession. What he really meant was " that's too long for years for you to be in school, finish your Engineering, that way I can brag about you for a DECADE, rather than staying quiet and shut while you're in med school, and who knows, I might just die because I'm under disability with 2938402398402 problems" Yet despite all of this, I still care for him, and love him, and respect him. Why? WHY? I really don't know if this has anything to do with the reasons for my terrible self esteem. I certainly do fake it. I pretend I'm confident and happy and all of that jazz, nobody would really expect this out of me, which is why I chose this anonymous place as an outlet. The relationships I've gotten in, out of three, two have ironically been really abusive emotionally, to the point I'm still drawn to the last one to this day. It's as if I love it, why do I love it? Why does this abuse draw me closer? I'm damaged beyond repair, I don't think I know what love is. I try to pour it out, for it to reciprocate, but neither does she know what it is, she doesn't know how to express it. I don't even think I love being loved, because if that was the case, my first relationship would have worked out, but it didn't, I didn't like that mushy gushy feeling. What the hell am I?
