Antologia

The worst part is that I can't hate him. The strong, cabrona in me can't say "f**k you, I'm worth more than your BS." These things I could say if he had been a jerk to me, Things that would have been true if he had been an a** to me.

But he wasn't. He was amazing to me. And that's why it hurts more, because I can't find a reason To be mad at him, or to blame him.

& at one point I blamed myself, For knowing that it would end, For knowing that it was a summer love And that flowers wither in autumn.

But we both knew this, We knew I would return to America to study And we knew that you would return to Israel to the military.

& we also knew that we had an attraction To each other, to our foreign lives & what we were doing with them

& it was these things that attracted us to each other, The ones that would ensure that we could never be together

It didn't matter that we spent so little time together Because that time was rich and full, More so than the time that people who see each other every day spend

We were in Paris, romance entrenched in the city of lights & in that space, he gave me more than I ever thought was possible I, a Latina who grew up fantasizing about a telenovela romance, had her expectations superseded

Nicolas Sparks could have borrowed our story for his next novel Because it was magic and it was tragic.

What I loved about him, His commitment, his passion, his willingness to help others, Is what pulled him away.

What he loved about me, My commitment, my passion, my willingness to help others, Is what drew me back.

But I still fell in love with him.

The subtle accent that adorned his English, His impeccable French and his knowledge of Hebrew,

The phrases he would tell me that no one in America would say, "As you wish," he would always tell me.

His tousled brown-blonde hair, His tickling beard

His strong arms, and mischievous hands, his warm embrace.

His lips, and our kisses, French, slow, tender, sweet, caring, burning.

His passion: physical and intellectual.

His blue eyes, clear and vivid, that took me to the sky & The way they would look at me, By them I knew, that what we had was real, Because you can say words and fake feelings, But you can't fake a gaze like that & no one had ever looked at me that way.

He loved the brown of my eyes, He was mesmerized by me, By my life, by my heart, by what I do

My French accent was adorable to him, My English was practical, My Spanish was sexy to him

My smell was intoxicating to him My skin was worshiped by him

My body was beautiful to him My mind was interesting to him

I taught him about Mexico and America He taught me about France and Israel

He gave me unforgettable moments, He thought of me and he showed it

Our first kiss was along the banks of the Seine River Our second date was on a roof-top building, Sipping Rose wine and overlooking the Parisian sky-line

I took him by the arm and we walked along Paris at midnight He twirled me under the glow of the city lamps

We kissed indiscreetly in the streets nestled in the city We kissed indiscreetly in the open-air at Pont Alexandre

I loved him, I don't know in what way, But what I felt with him was unlike anything I'd experienced before.

I don't do simple. I don't do ordinary. And he gave me anything but.

He gave me thrill, exhilaration, and adventure. He gave me affection.

He was my first love, The first man that I knew, without doubt, I wanted to give myself to.

There was nothing forced about it, There were no games, It was natural, It was what it was.

He left love marks on my body He left love marks on my heart The first faded quickly But the second have scarred my heart.

He said to me, "I wish I could stop time" & wouldn't that have been nice.

But the nuclear deal between Iran and my country, Upset his nation, And he was called back to the middle east, before his time was up to leave.

We spent Bastille Day together, His last night in Paris, he had spent with me

& so our last kiss was at the underground train station Same line, different directions.

In that moment I couldn't have fathomed How much I would yearn for those kisses again For his look at me, For his embrace of me.

I couldn't have fathomed how much I would cry How much pain I would feel How much I would miss him.

Reality set in, and everything crumbled And I questioned God for it Because I am so selfless, And he was the first thing in my life that I wanted selfishly, & I couldn't have.

Whose cruel game was it, to give me a taste of heaven Then seal the golden gate in front of me

He was healing Syrian refugees, I was giving legal aid to victims of domestic abuse.

I had to continue the fight for my people here He had to continue protecting his people there

Our feelings were buried under the weight of our self-ascribed Obligations to help our communities

5000 miles away, young age, and uncertainty Shrouded our fairytale in Paris

Cultural differences were a reality, communication issues were a barrier In terms of language and not only that

But I was not a trained soldier, I didn't know how to suppress my feelings, In his line of work, he had to.

I had never indefinitely said goodbye to anyone I cared about before, He had done so many times.

I'd never missed anyone before, I'd never loved anyone like that before & so, for that, and many reasons more… I cried.

Modern Casablanca, I can't believe we said bye.

My heart yearned for the exuberant story The one where we defied everything For our love My mind knew no such thing could happen

& so I learned, that Love is not enough

Because I would have never left my work here & if I were him, I wouldn't leave my work there.

& we needed more time To open ourselves completely & we needed more time To figure out things completely

& I need more time To assimilate that this is reality & that fairytales, they're real, but they're only part one of the story That Happily Ever After only lasted a few weeks

& I need more time To mourn the death Of the one thing that I wanted But didn't get

& no one ever will compare to him & no place will ever supplant Paris

& I need more time to cry Because when I think I've exhausted my tears More come rushing from my eyes

& I need more time to accept That they can't water a withered flower That no matter how much I continue to lament And I continue to cry, That flower's died.

& so I ask myself if I regret meeting him and Sometimes the answer is yes, Sometimes the answer no I think of the incredible happiness we lived together, and my answer is the first I think of all the pain and sadness I lived alone, and my answer is the second. The first lasted 8 weeks The second 8 months

I'll be okay, Someday But that day is not yet today

I still love him I always will Mi amor te extrano

But he is more practical And I need to be too.

& so I know, to be honest, That I don't regret us at all

I only wish I could have loved him more, Kissed him more, Been with him more. But, I know that in the moment, I never held back and did as much as I felt

What a pain I have known. & what a love I have known. I guess you can't know only one of those two on its own.

So I'm left with an incredible story And an incredible memory.

The only thing that I know, Is that I've loved him and I've felt for him, With enough emotion to last me a lifetime

& I know that I'm being depleted,

But I still believe in love, Despite this toll Despite my heart being torn

But I also know that I never want to love again, Like I loved him. Because love is a weakness, love is a vulnerability

Thursday 09 July 2015; 1:05

Dear ***,

I hope that this letter will make you smile, and that whenever you’re feeling down, you can always come back to it and feel a little bit better. Even though I’ve only known you for so little, you have, by far, been the most amazing part of my time in Paris. I hope one day to get to know you more because I’m sure that you are more amazing than I know.  Thank you for giving this random little Mexican-American girl some of the sweetest moments of her life. You gave me the summer romance that every girl dreams of... you are the guy that every girl dreams of.

I appreciate every moment I spent with you, everything you did for me, everything you showed me. I’m a detail-oriented person, I remember all the small things: the way you looked at me, our first kiss by the river, your hand on my leg, a kiss on the shoulder, the way you stroked my hand when you held it, the blue of your eyes, the tenderness and passion of your lips, the feeling of being in your arms, the feeling of being near you right before we kiss, the words you whispered to me in French, the feeling of your body pressed on mine.. the list goes on. 

This is all so novel, new, to me, you are the first guy I’ve kissed more than once.. and I loved it. You make me crazy. Perhaps this has meant more to me than it has to you, but all I hope, is that you really enjoyed it. 

You are truly an incredible guy, ***. Not only are you so handsome, but you are intelligent, thoughtful, resourceful, and kind. I truly wish that we had more time to get to know each other in more intimate ways, I would have liked to know everything about you, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your goals... but from the glimpses of these that I’ve had, I know you are amazing.

When I say you are a dream guy, I mean it. You are so smart, you can have a meaningful (deep) conversation and a very funny (light) one at the same time. You’re trilingual (with some well-spoken Spanish in there), you’re a soldier, you have valor, respect, a code, and many more of the physical and mental abilities that are required to be a service man (plus, a man in a uniform is always hot!) You’re also a paratrooper and trained to be a medic AND you can diffuse explosives... what can’t you do!? Oh- you are also musically talented, you know how many girls dream that their man can serenade them?? You’re also good with people, I loved watching you talk to other people in French, you’re so natural, you have such good vibes.. I say this all based on the short time I’ve known you, I know there is much more greatness.

I don’t really know what you do in your service, I’m sorry for asking that one time :/ but I imagine it is not always easy. I told you, I think that what you do is noble, your life is on the line for the security and reassurance of other people. We are all human, I know your work adds layers of psychological complexity to your being.. All I want you to know is that, at the very least you will always have a friend in me. Reach me any way that you can, I’ll always be happy to talk to you, to listen to you, to give you advice, support and/or comfort. No matter when or where, don’t hesitate. I’ll always be here for you <3 I wish you well, ********. I know everything will work out for you, and I know that when you reach an obstacle, or have a setback, you will push through it all. I believe in you.

There is a quote in Spanish that I love: <<Se separaron. Ella tomo el camino de la izquierda. El, el de la derecha. Pero olvidaron algo. El mundo, es redondo>> Translated: << They separated. She took the left road. He took the right road. But they forgot something. The world, is round.>> Who knows, maybe we will cross paths again. I’m so down to show you the beauty of Mexico... and should you ever find yourself in Los Angeles, you know I’m there for you. 

Thank you for all the moments and the memories. Don’t forget about me, okay? I’ll never forget my French soldier... This letter comes with a tight hug and a deep kiss.