Gonna reap what I sow;

        Both of them had lost someone that was something they shared. They were more in common than different but neither of them had ever stopped to think about it. The first go around Eliza had hated him when she had found out about him and his lover, she knew that cause she felt the fury of that running through her veins and the second time Eliza just knew him as the friend of Damien, the male that had taken away her life. No one had done anything, everyone had just kept on flirting with Damien and treating him like some god but Athena had hated him, god she had defended her when she was not able to do. The guardian was always suppose to be the one that did the defending but Athena had taken up the burden when she had been too weak to carry it and not once had she resented it. A person didn’t get closer than being someone’s wife and assigned to a guardian. If both of them just stopped arguing and listened to each other – actually listened then they would realize that the void in their heart was the same size. They had both been shot at the same place. But that was never going to happen with the boiling veins she had and the sharp tongue that seemed to be relentless. Her hands became fists as she rolled them up before releasing her fingers and screaming, god she had forgotten that her voice could do that. For so long Eliza had been everything that everyone else had wanted the posed little guardian that had a stick up her ass. Always getting the best scores, always answering the door whenever duty called her name and putting the supernatural world ahead of hers and for once – for once she was tired of doing that and she wanted to punch Kai right then and there. She wanted to scream even more at how stupid he was. How he may not have fucking murdered Athena but he sure made it easy for whoever wanted her dead to get to her. That he should’ve just bought the fucking rope himself and tied her up there and let the fucking wind take care of the rest. She hated how he was going to be coddle and everything would be ok for him. Cause he would end up with his mistress – he would. That was just what pissed her off the most that Athena was dead and the two of them were going to be told it wasn’t their fault. To not feel guilty about their actions and to just get a fucking cottage and live happily ever after. So she pushed him, She pushed him hard, with every force she had against the wall. “You still didn’t do anything cause that’s you Kai – when a problem comes up you do nothing. You wait for it go away or you just hide it in your closet and do nothing about it. You’re the fucking king of regrets and doing nothing and yet people praise your name and god I don’t know if they’re just blinded or stupid – but trust me I hate you. I fucking HATE you.” And for a woman who had not shown any emotions for forty something years that was saying a lot. Eliza had never fallen in love – never got married and never got revenge for Ellie. But today Kai had made an enemy out of her and there was two sides having an internal battle – inside she wanted to stop yelling she wanted to crumble onto her knees and cry. She wanted to have the waterfalls come and just let it out but it was too much – too much was happening too quickly. “You’re telling me that you’re going to stay away from your lover? Not end up with her? Really – tell you what when you actually believe that fucking come back to me.” She spat out at him before she touched her forehead and let her fingers roam through her hair as she heard him scream. Eliza was drowning in the pain and memories. She had no one to turn to – her brother was gone and her best friend was dead. “I know you loved her.” She whispered barely audible but his werewolf ears would catch that. “I loved her too. She was my sister. I was her guardian and I didn’t save her.” burying her face in her hands she took a couple steps back away from him. “She’s not supposed to be dead. It should’ve been me.” 

“If that makes you feel better, then hate me. Fucking hate. Hate me forever, and ever. I don’t care. It doesn’t faze me, and it doesn’t hurt me.  Because I deserve it alright?” he tightens his jaw, his hands tightening into fists at his side, “If that is what you have to do, to get through this. Then do it! I am not going to hold it again you!” he wasn’t sure what else he could say, he honestly didn't.  He wasn’t sure if he could say anything to change her mind either, because he knew he deserved it. Athena was her best friend, she helped her through so many things, and so had Eliza.  Eliza had always been there, when no one else was, especially himself.  So he couldn’t blame her for what she felt. For what he made her felt.  He scoffs quietly, “I am not any of those things Eliza, and you know it. You lived with us, you know that I’m far from perfect. I was the worse husband in the whole world.  And I’m sure you saw it, and know it yourself! If anything I didn’t deserve her, and I think you know that too! She deserved so much better than me! And I fucking wish that I could take this entire thing back, and would of just let her go before any of it had happened -- I wish I could take it all back, I wish it could of been me on top of that clock tower. Or at least I would of been there, so that wouldn’t of happened. We might of been thrown into this fucking shitty second chance shit -- but I would of never wished this upon her, and you have to believe me!” he pointed at himself again, before shaking his head. “You think I would just do that to her, to her memory?” he asks now, swallowing another hard lump in his throat, “I am not that selfish..” he says quietly, his tone low.  He looks away from her.  He never cared what anyone thought of him -- no one. But her words, where cutting deep and he knew that was exactly what she wanted. She wanted them to cut him deep, and leave marks. If anything they would leave forever deep scars.  He forces himself to look at her again, “No..  I’m not..” he says now, “I’m no that childish, I did love her. You can’t just stand here, and say that I didn’t. Because I did love her Eliza, I fucking loved her and married her.. and yes, I might of walked away from.. the other, and choose her, but I LOVED HER!” he hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but it was because of how she was making him feel. Her words hurt, and no one ever got past it all, and cut him so deep before.  He shouldn’t let her get to him, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t think he could fight it that much longer.  Fight her words, and not take them to heart, but he was.  Kai found himself falling onto the end of the bed. Her words mixed with his own feelings about the matter -- seemed the same.  He shakes his head, “No it shouldn’t be you.. don’t. If anything, should of been me up there.. and you know it..” he says now, not trying to play martyr.  But the thoughts already had presented itself, and he couldn’t help but think it, even know that Eliza was also saying it about herself. The two of them deserved so much more than that.  Athena yes, of course. But Eliza also..

She continued to rub his head and back in hopes that the motions would at least calm him down a little. It was something she’d been doing since they were children, the gesture always being able to calm him down through whatever he was going through. She knew it wasn’t something that guardian’s usually did for their charges, but she also knew that her and Kai had a relationship that was more than the usual guardian/guarded one. They were actually friends and they truly cared for one another, which is why seeing him like this and not being able to do anything about it was killing Josie. He was her family and she would do whatever it took to take care of him.

The lump in his throat tightened as he nodded his head. He wanted to believe her.  Hell, he wanted every single word that came out of her mouth to be true. But deep down, despite the agreeing -- and protesting, he couldn't find it in himself to believe her. Or even come close to thinking she was right. But he'd give it to her, he'd give her the benefit for the doubt, despite how horrible he felt.  Tightening his grip on her hand, he moved closer to her, sitting up only slightly as he laid his head on her shoulder.  He closed his eyes for a few moments, before reopening them and looking up at her as he laid his head there "I understand" he answered her then, knowing she wouldn't stop unless he had an answer for her.  His fingers still held onto hers, as he rubbed his thumb across her hand.  It was hard to bring himself to that point, to believe her.  To know that there was nothing he could of done.  But even so, he wished he could of. Could of done something else.  Or maybe, not have brought her at all. But, Josie was right.  Either way, it had been her decision to come, and either way if he had wanted her to come or not, she would of made up her own mind entirely herself, and he had to tell himself that -- or at least remind himself of that. 

Racking his hand through his hair, he groaned quietly.  He looked at her, and stared.  So this was how it was going to go.  She was going to find the one person who was still standing -- and breathing to throw it all on? Well, could he blame her? No.  But was he going to just stand there and take it all, fuck no.   But even so, he'd let her have at it. He'd let her get every single last word, and let her feel good about it.  Because he owed her that much -- he owed Athena that much.  When he knew she was done, or at least for the moment, he swallowed down the huge lump in his throat and broke his silence, "You fucking think that I just idly sat by while Damien pulled his stunt? You think I even had a fucking clue he was doing that to you that night?  Hell no. I am not that sadistic Eliza, if I had any idea he was going to pull something so fucking messed up like that I would of stopped him. I honestly thought he was shitting me that night, telling me one of his sick jokes or telling me something he'd like do. I didn't even believe him, to this day I didn't even believe you! I thought it was this twisted sick joke. The guy had this obsessive crush on you, and I didn't think he'd take it that far. So don't you fucking stand there and think I would of allowed him to do that. He was part of my pack, but we don't allow that..  " and it was true, he had no idea that Damien had actually done it. The two hadn't really talked about it, and this whole time especially thru Uni, Kai had thought he was shitting him. He thought they two had some secret thing and that it had been a joke.  And seeing as Eliza had stayed by Athena's side for so long he hadn't really seen through it.  But he had been a selfish bastard back then, and Eliza knew that and Kai was admitting it too. At least he wasn't lying about that -- or to himself.   "I know! You don't think I know? I was a selfish bastard? I was going to tell her, but then we got married and I thought that sort of sealed the deal Eliza! I choose her. I walked away from the other girl and choose her for my wife. I loved her, that wasn't fake.  None of our marriage was fucking fake! I wanted children with her, I wanted a family with her...  " the words got caught in his throat, because there was a little lie in the middle of all of it, and he knew Eliza would place it together.  He had wanted to come back here, not her, especially not Eliza.  This had been his idea, and he had talked Athena into it, and had brought her back, even if she hadn't..  he had wanted to see if Wish would be here. His selfish tendencies, had bounced back and he hadn't caught himself.  He had begged Athena to come with him -- that he had wanted to go back for ole time sake.  Sucking on the inside of his mouth, he tightened his jaw -- "I'm not lying to myself" he points to himself, "Do you see me, lying to myself? Do you see me happy and running back to her? Do you not see me Eliza?" he steps closer to her, as if she couldn't see him clearly. "Don't fucking standing there and not see me.. because I am not.. I am not just trying to shove this aside! I was her husband, I fucking loved her. You can't stand there and fucking tell me that my entire marriage to her was a sham. I fucking loved her.. I fucked up, yes. I admit that.. do you not see me admitting that? I'm not fucking lying to you, I never lied to you once in this entire thing" he holds his arms up wanting to her actually look at him and not past him. To actually see him and the state he was in right now. He knew that she didn't care, but he wanted her to look anyways, "I did this to her, I brought her back.. and I fucking admit that" he hits his chest, pointing to himself again. "I did this!" his voice cracks, but he swallows it down, just staring at her, his breathing hard.  

As soon as the words left his lips, Josie had to close her eyes tightly in order to stop any tears from falling from them. She’d been so worried about Kai and so angry at herself for not being able to protect him from this pain. It was her job to make sure he didn’t have to go through this, her job to make sure he was okay, but she couldn’t protect him, couldn’t save him from this kind of pain. If she could, she would have taken it from him - dealt with it in her own way and allowed him to go on, affected but not ruined by the tragedy. Because she knew he was blaming himself for not being there, just as much, if not more, as she was. But sitting there with him wasn’t about Josie and her own pain in the loss of her friend, it was about Kai’s at the loss of his wife. She couldn’t imagine what he was going through, but she knew she was going to be there to see him through it. 

He felt himself calm only slightly -- as he fingers ran through his hair.  She always brought that calming affect.  It was the many years they had spent together. Others usually got new guardians, traded them in or when they got older needed someone else by their side.  For Kai,  Josie had always been there since day one.  He would of been crazy for trading her out for someone else -- to him, she was the strongest person in his life.  And even when him and Athena had married he knew that she was not even then going anywhere.  Even know he knew in this moment of pain, it had been the right decision he had ever made. If he hadn't had her by his side like this, Kai wasn't sure he would ever come back from this.

Rubbing his hands together when she didn't sit down at first, he couldn't help but look away from her.  He didn't deserve the comfort anyways, not like he was asking for it. He had no right to honestly. He didn't need it.  This entirely thing was on him. And he would not allow anyone else to take the fault for his huge mistake.  If they where being honest with their-self, this had happened a long time ago when he had decided to not only date Athena, but also hook up with Wish. He had wanted what he wanted, and he didn't care if he wanted it at the same time. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he finally looked at her when she sat besides him.  As she took his hand, his entire body seemed to relax, only for a little bit.  Not much -- because he couldn't. He couldn't relax, he couldn't just sit back and swallow all of this and just be fine about it.  It wasn't fine, none of this was fine.  When she threw his own words in his face, he shook his head, "Don't you dare, this is not on you.  If we got back, back to Uni, I knew what the fuck I was doing Wish, I was with Athena, but I also wanted you. And I told you that, I brought you down with me.  Me, this was all my fault. If we're being honest" he didn't mean to use her own words against her, he wasn't trying to.  But if she looked at it from his point, she would see what he was actually thinking. What was going through his mind, "I was a fucking selfish bastard, and you can ask anyone.. even my friends. I sought you out even though I already knew my fate was sealed with her from the moment I was born -- I did this, she is ... dead because of me" he shakes his head, his hand falling from her grip.  He couldn't do this, he couldn't argue with her, and not have her see it -- not have her see what was going on his mind He wish she could just see it, feel what he felt, or what he thought.  Swallowing again, he rubbed roughly at his face, as tears stung at his eyes.  "I cant blame them for any of this, I brought her back. My selfish ass wanted to come back to this place - to see if I could see you again.. me. I brought her back here, to see if you'd be here. Me, that wasn't her.. she isn't here anymore because I wanted to see if you would be here.. and now look..  she was found at the bottom of the clock tower dead.. if anyone is taking her death it's me.." maybe he was being stubborn, but Kai couldn't get around it. His thoughts couldn't get around the fact that he had dragged her here. She hadn't even wanted to come in the first place, Eliza had reminded him of that.  This had been the last place she had wanted to come.  She had wanted to take their holiday somewhere else, just the two of them -- try for their family that they had not had yet.. but, no. Malakai and his selfish, stubborn self had talked her into this.. promising just one night here, and then a holiday somewhere else right after.. so much for that.  Tears dripped down his cheeks as he got lost in the last moments they had been them before coming here.. and it killed him inside. He had brought her to her death.. and no one else was going to convince him otherwise.  Kai found himself sitting their quietly again, his words not forming. Thoughts just drifting to everything he had done wrong, that had led up to this moment.  He wasn't sure how long time had gone by before he had said anything -- but he was standing and tossing the suitcase across the room before he turned to look at her, words unable to fall from his lips as he just stood there -- allowing himself to just fall apart.