I am 10 months on testosterone. It’s getting increasingly harder for me to do my shot each week. As much as I’d like to celebrate, a part of me just can’t.

Before every shot, I sit on the floor, crisscross, with the needle uncapped, and I wonder— “why do I have to do this?”

Why can’t I live my life normally?

Why am I forced to do this every week, all of this year, and more years to come?

Not a lot of people talk to me about this, but I think it is just as important.

When I started testosterone, I was over the moon. I was excited. I was the happiest boy on the planet, I had never been happier to receive an injection.

Now, fast forward ten months later, and I’m burnt out.

I need these results, I need to do this, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to waste my time fighting with my pharmacy for the right supplies. I don’t want to waste my money for a necessity that others get when they are born.

I am tired of taking testosterone.

And to the guys out there who feel the same way I do, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel like your feelings aren’t valid. It’s shitty that we have to do this to feel comfort within ourselves, when tons of other people get to live how they want to.

It should be okay for you to feel discouraged. This isn’t an easy thing.

Being on testosterone is a blessing, don’t get me wrong. Getting top surgery is a blessing. Changing your name legally is a blessing.

I know many people out there would love to be in my position. But I also know that those people would probably agree with me when I say this shouldn’t even be something we have to go through in the first place.