This has to be the hardest because that one person who made it possible to achieve everything I have this year, is the one person I can never voice my gratitude to.
I will still write this because if there's someone in this world that I owe gratitude to, it's this one person.
You were the beacon of light in my life when all else was dark. You showed me the way home when I was so, so lost. When I had no one, you made sure I wasn’t alone. These dreams that I see now, the wishes that I hold dear to my heart, you helped me weave them. You gave me hope, and through you, Allah gave me strength. Through you, Allah guided me to His Path. There are endless blessings of Allah in my life, but you were one of the greatest.
When grief weighs heavy upon my chest, I read your old letters, it brings the biggest of smiles to my face & that tells a lot about the kind of person you were. Your absence howls through me like a desert wind but your memories make me feel so grateful that at least once you called me yours & I called you mine.
I wish I could turn back time & cherish every moment I got to spend with you even when it was brief. You used to say you wish you treated people right because you never know when you see them for the last time & how you always regretted not telling your dad you loved him before he died. I have my fair bit of regrets too & taking our time together for granted is one of them but I'm happy alhamdulillah I shared some of my life with you.
You will forever be my favourite chapter in the story of my life. After all this time, even now, when I look at myself in the mirror, it is your reflection that I see; when I speak to people, it is the echo of your words that I hear. Amidst all the thousand faces that have come and gone, the thousand voices that have faded in and out, not once did I ever forget you. From the day you came into my life, you booked a permanent place in my heart. I remember you. And I’ll always remember you.
We once spoke of separation & I told you if death ever did us part, our final meeting would be in His gardens & we would chase each other in the forests of Jannah & climb it's trees, I remember how it upset you & you said "after you, the only comfort I will ever find will be with the Quran again" & it made me smile. I try find my comfort in Quran now & I ask Allah to make it a means for Him loving you.
Your memory still lingers in my mind. Sometimes I catch myself smiling remembering the warmth that I used to feel every time we'd speak, like a scented candle slowly burning in the dark, spreading a pleasant fragrance as it faded away. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, you still hold a place in my heart. A tiny part of it doesn't want to let go of that warmth. I still speak about you from time to time; to my friends, to my mother, to myself. I still think about you, and what you were, and what we were, and I wonder if I'll ever find something like that again. My mother tells me, why not? There are countless good out there in the world. Different doesn't have to be bad. But a tiny part of me craves the comfort of familiarity. I know she's right though, there are plenty of good in this world, and sometimes different is the best we could hope for.
I could not erase your memories. I could not put out the candle that still keeps burning, a pleasant fragrance that I can still smell sometimes. But this time, your memory no longer brings tears to my eyes, it no longer pierces through my heart. It's like a warm squeeze; melancholic, nostalgic, bittersweet. It's bearable. I can talk about you without breaking down. I can remember you and actually smile. I can live and laugh with people again, without feeling the burden of guilt, without feeling the absurdity of time's movement, without being filled with bitterness towards this world.
Maybe healing is not about forgetting at all. Maybe healing is remembering, without the pain. Maybe it's acknowledging your absence, and moving past denial. Maybe it's coming to terms with His decree and no longer wondering why. Maybe healing is accepting your loss, and finding contentment with that acceptance; finding contentment with the decree of Allah.
My dearest soul who has helped me become who I am today, may you always be shaded under the mercy of Allah whether you are upon the earth or beneath it. May you be rewarded for every good I have ever done, may you be at peace wherever you are. Your name has always been a constant in my prayers, for it is the only way I can show my gratitude to Allah for you.
