Make This Life A Success

When I was younger I always thought “I’ll pop a kid out when I’m blah blah old” and that it would be soooo easy that I’d just decide, not be on the pill, not use a condom and BOOM easy breezy I’m pregnant, have a baby, but you know what? For some people that’s true, for some people it’s fucking torture. Last year I couldn’t believe it when I found out I was pregnant, I’ll never forget that moment I was terrified, I was happy beyond belief, every moment revolved around doing the right thing by my baby – what I ate, the exercise I did, not stressing myself, I lay awake at night so happy thinking about my husband Bryce being the amazing Father he’d dreamed of being for so long, How I would raise my baby, keeping a record of life advice, what the baby would grow up and be, who the baby would be as a person, everything, I have never felt such intense love for something I’d never met, It was like when you first fall in love with your soul mate on steroids. Because I’d had implantation bleeding which is pretty normal I opted to get a scan at 6 weeks just to make sure everything was ok, Bryce & I were early, we were so excited we couldn’t sleep the night before all we could think about was seeing the little dot that was our little human, I got up on the bed and excitedly waited for the lady to tell me the jelly that they put on your tummy would be cold just like in the movies, she starts sliding it around, Bryce and I look at each other with a look I’ll never forget, a look of “holy shit this is it, I’ve never loved you more than right now” and then casually as fuck the nurse says “ummmm I’m not seeing a pregnancy of 6 weeks here” I laugh “haha what do you mean? Am I further along that I thought” “no, I’m not seeing anything” … My brain starts to spin, the blackness I know all to well surrounds me ready to swallow me whole, the nurse instructs me to go to the bathroom and wee so she can have a better look by scanning me internally. While I walk like a zombie to the toilet I hear Bryce asking if this is normal, can this happen “yes it can happen if the bladder it too full” I get my hopes up again and tell myself in the mirror to chill the fuck out it’s gonna be fine. But it’s not fine. For 15mins I uncomfortably have a machine shoved up me after she tells me that I am 100% not pregnant anymore, then searches around to make sure everything is ok, no cysts, no ectopic pregnancy, no cancer. I feel like a failure, I head into full panic mode Why me? How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Is she wrong? Maybe she just didn’t see it? I don’t understand I haven’t bled or anything? What’s going on? I walk to the car in tearful silence and ring my sister “It wasn’t there, the baby is gone, it wasn’t there” we both cry, not only had Bryce and I been excited for a son or daughter, our families were excited for a niece or nephew, a grandson or grand daughter, a cousin and now as a family we’re all devastated, Bryce and I go home we both just cry and cry, coming in waves of forgetting then remembering for the next few days, waking up was the worst when you would remember again and then BAM waves of tears.   I was lucky I only had to wait 2 days before I psychically miscarried, that day was fucked I just went into auto pilot - I remember being in a lot of pain, having a fitting for the DWTS announcement and not fitting anything properly cause I was so bloated, learning to read an auto cue, prepping & doing a radio show, prepping & doing a TV show, recording a TV highlight show and then doing a live announcement for the biggest TV job of my career – All with a smile on my face, all with hysterical crying in between our make up artist would then touch up, some how I got through the day. God knows how. I didn’t eat a thing and the pain was horrible, when I see photos of that night I can see how red and bloated I am & thank Beyonce that the stylist knew how to improvise with a real bloated girl on camera. 

We went through this pretty much in silence, sure our families knew, a couple of people we were very close to at work knew but that was it. Nobody knew why Bryce and I were weird or weirdly always checking on each other, we were silent cause we almost felt embarrassed that this happened to us, we felt embarrassed to tell our closest friends.

This isn’t meant to be a massive POOR ME, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, cause it’s not, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I don’t want pity, I want awareness. I want other couples to know that you don’t have to hide the fact you had a miscarriage, that was your baby. You had dreams for that baby. You loved that baby and you do not have to hide that, which is why Bryce and I are pretty open about it now and we’re not embarrassed to talk about it, we don’t want other couples to feel how we felt and still feel sometimes.

 Miscarriages have this weird stigma of feeling like you failed and you feel embarrassed, like you’re the only one that it’s happened too and ya know what you aren’t! It’s really common, a lot of women miscarry, it’s horrible but it also shows that you’re not a loser, I couldn’t believe it when women that I idolised at work who I thought had it all, that were the most kick ass powerful women pulled me aside and told me they had been through it too and shared their experience, you never would’ve known and they both went on to have beautiful children after it. I feel a lot of hope and gratitude especially towards those two. 

It takes a while to grieve that loss, it doesn’t leave you but does get easier. Hell I still cry in the toilets at work sometimes or have days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone cause it gets a bit too real for me and I feel left behind, but the thing is if you know someone’s been through that, check on them, see how they are, cause it doesn’t just go away for them and people easily just forget about you and think ‘they’ll be right! They had a day off’ or ‘least you know you can get pregnant’ Yeah cool you’re right I could get pregnant, I haven’t had much luck getting another one in there, it also still doesn’t make the fact you lost a baby any easier.

We took a few months off trying and then the first month we tried again I got pregnant for a second time, I couldn’t believe it, it’s got to work this time, Our baby is finally here, it’s gonna happen! I drove to the supermarket to buy more tests to make 100% sure and then rang Bryce at work to tell him, I’ve never been happier in my whole life than when I saw those lines.   This time I decided to chill out, get a blood test in a weeks time, but I couldn’t wait so I did the test, it was not good news, yes I was pregnant, but my HCG level was really low, Our world started to spin again, I did an urgent blood test the next morning and my doctor had the results but for 7 hours avoided my phone calls because she quote “doesn’t like giving this sort of news over the phone” finally at 5pm she told me I would again lose our baby, She then went on to tell me that “After a third one, we can refer you to a fertility doctor” which enraged me, I didn’t want to have a third one, I ended the call ran to my old bosses office who wasn’t there, so I slumped onto his floor and just cried with 2 of my friends.

The words of my doctor saying to wait for a third one rang in my ears, We decided to go see a fertility doctor to see what was going on, we didn’t care how much it cost, we just needed to know why this had happened to us. It turned out we just had 2 lots of shitty luck.

We’ve started trying again now with no luck, every month is a solid reminder of the 2 babies we lost, I wish I could just let it go but I can’t, it feels like every period is a funeral of what should’ve been.

If you know someone that’s had a miscarriage, Just be there, Let them feel how they want to feel, Don’t tell them “at least you know you can get pregnant” cause everyone says that & it’s cause you feel awkward but it just feels like their loss is insignificant and it’s not, if you’ve had a baby think how in love you were at the start then imagine that love ripped away from you against your will, Most would rather wish they hadn’t been pregnant in the first place than have to go through it.

If you’ve had the miscarriage or even if you’re having any fertility problems whether you’re the one carrying it or the other half FEEL HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL, Don’t let people tell you how to feel, or “be positive” Yeah being positive is good but you’ve also gotta go through the emotions whether it’s sad, angry, cheated, frustrated, wanting to get really drunk, whatever you want to feel, just feel it, but one thing you can’t forget – Don’t suffer in silence, talk to people about how you’re feeling, grieve for your loss and don’t ever think you’re less because you had one, cause you’re not, as my husband Bryce says “It takes a bit longer to bake the really awesome kids, man our kid must be pretty awesome if it takes this long”, You will get through it I promise, yup some days will be shit, but it will get better.