Wear What You Have

Banning Abortions Is Not about Protecting Babies and It Has Never Been

Banning abortions is not about protecting babies and it has never been. It has always been about punishing people born with uteri for enjoying or even having sex. Because if banning abortions was really about “babies” aka fertilized eggs for the sane people in the room, the people doing the fertilized egg protection would be invested in ensuring that when this egg actually comes out into the…

How to Dress Like a Citizen of a Declining Empire – ‘Cause It’s Happening

All empires come to an end. The Egyptians, the Romans, the Greeks, the Carthaginians, the Zulu, yep they all came tumbling down. It’s especially sad for the Carthaginians because they are not remembered in pop culture; no one wears a Carthaginian queen costume for Halloween. Empires fall for multitudes of reasons including dumb leaders, economic disparity, invasion from other empires. Anyways,…

How to Dress Like Someone Who Thinks They’ll Be Rich One Day

There has been a lot of backlash against Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for being too progressive and idealistic to the point of delusional. She’s a proponent of the Green New Deal, which seeks to prevent climate change from turning our planet into Waterworld and to address the economic inequality that threatens to send us back to a world of peasants and lords (oh shit, we may already be there). Most…

How to Dress like a Revolutionary – ‘Cause Being One Is Too Hard

When I was a kid, and by kid I mean teenager, my career goal was to become a political revolutionary. And I know what you are thinking? Marcela, you can’t make a career out of being a revolutionary. Unless you listen to Fox News, in which case you are convinced that protesters are paid workers with benefits. But as a teenager, I was aware of the injustices in the world and I was convinced that…

Hurricane Florence Just Downgraded (Herself) to a Category B***h

In typical fashion Hurricane Florence has turned into a complete category b***h. AndroWeather’s all-male weather team has been monitoring Florence’s irrational behavior from the beginning. Alpha meteorologist and general badass Jack “the Mack” Sullivan knew Florence was a problem when he saw how she just didn’t seem to know her place in the middle of the Atlantic. “Yeah, she’s what you’d expect…

An Open Letter to Clothes That Don’t Fit Me Anymore but I’ve Kept for Years With the Hope That One Day You Will Fit Me Again

Dear clothes that don’t fit me anymore but I’ve kept for years in hopes that one day you will fit me again,

You have sat in my drawer unworn for years taunting me. Forcing me to question everything I put in my mouth. Even though I still ate that cookie, I was immediately filled with regret knowing that cookie pulled me one step further away from those bright pink J Crew pants. You have sat in my…

How to Wear a Jumpsuit When You Are a Human

Whoever thought to fuse together a top and pants to make a jumpsuit was a genius. The jumpsuit gives you the same ease of wearing a dress – it’s one piece, without the restriction of being a dress – you can lady-spread without the fear of revealing your cute piggy underwear. I do wish that whoever invented the jumpsuit also had the ingenuity to know that humans, yes even female humans, need to…

Hey There Progressives, It’s Time to Be Rude

Remember when you were a kid and you threw a fit at the grocery store and you mama proceeded to not only drag your ass out of the store but then not get you your candy? The reason why she did this is to show you that throwing tantrums, always complaining, and being rude would not get you what you wanted. After multiple instances of failed tantrums, you learned your lesson; you started asking for…

After Sarah Huckabee Sanders was prevented from dining at the Red Hen on the grounds that she is a terrible human being, there’s been lots of faux outrage from people who think it’s perfectly okay to separate children from their parents. Some of Sarah’s supporters have gone as far as equating her “suffering” to black people oppressed by Jim Crow and the brave souls that fought for equal treatment…

I Don’t Discriminate Against Short Sleeves, I Just Prefer Long Sleeves

Sleeves come in different shapes and sizes. I don’t discriminate when it comes to sleeves, I’m just as likely to wear a short sleeve as much as a long sleeve. But I do prefer longer, more elaborate sleeves. I just feel more comfortable in them, they make me feel more fabulous. Sure, I could wear a short sleeve to go get coffee or to a graduation, but I wouldn’t have as much fun as if I wore…

Fake Feminism is Trending

Just like your Steve Madden slides from middle school, feminism is all the rage now. All the cool kids are doing it. Everyone wants to be it and be associated with it. Heck, even Christian Dior made a t-shirt saying we should all be feminists.  I remember my mother sneering at the idea of spending $50 on a pair of shoes for me. She’d just moved to the US from Kenya and that $50 could have…