Vis Legis

She’s a jigsaw puzzle Left to be solved. People played with her and broke her in more pieces. She never complained. No buddy tried to solve her problems. She was a challenge. Someone completed the challenge but he never knew that a jigsaw puzzle can never be a permanent picture. It is divided in several pieces. Many lines separating its pieces. She was able to be broken again. Easily. And she did. She’s still not a complete picture and will never be. She’s a jigsaw puzzle. She’s made to be completed and broken again and again.

The problem is, when people came too close to me, they’ll make me feel that i am important to them, that i am special to them. They’ll make me used to their presence and once i’ve already enjoying their company, suddenly they’ve decided to leave and make me feel that i’m not worth of their time anymore. Why they’ve decided to enter my life if they don’t have plans on staying?

Sometimes it hits me that i am not good enough to anyone. Maybe that explains why everyone is leaving me. Maybe i’m being difficult for them. Maybe i’m hard to be with and they can’t handle me. They can’t stand to be with me. Maybe i’m just not good enough.

I didn’t push you for nothing. I didn’t push you just because i don’t want you anymore. I have my reasons and i will never explain why. Some things are better off unsaid and it’s better not to tell why. No one will understand anyway.

You know it’s over when you start thinking of the things that’s not connected to him. I think, it’s when you stop remembering the way he used to do all the things that would make you smile when you were sad. It’s when you can smile and he’s no longer the reason. It’s when you won’t cry anymore just by the thought of him or when a friend tell you things about him. He doesn’t have any effect from you and it’s like you don’t care at all. It’s when it no longer hits you hard when you hear his favorite song or when you see his favorite collection. It’s when you feel nothing at the thought of him, when it doesn’t suffocate you by his presence. It’s when you stop fantasizing about him, when you stop wishing for him to come back whenever it’s 11:11. It’s when you stop looking at the stars wondering if he’s looking at the same star. It’s over when you’re no longer in pain, when you’re no longer resentful. It’s when you feel that there’s no heavy feeling at all when you wake up in the morning. It’s when you can breathe without feeling any pain. And you’ll start to see things, to realize that it’s for the better, you start to wish for your own happiness, for your own smile and none of them will have anything do with him anymore. It’s over when you can smile about the memories but not want them back.

“Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken but still you act like everything’s fine and you are okay and happy?” It’s like drowning- you can see everyone around you breathing, except you.

“Of all people, why her?” This is the question i want to ask to you, but i feel like i don’t have the right to ask you this and i can’t even blame you why her and not me. It so happened that i am in love with you and you are in love my friend. She caught you without even doing anything – without even proving anything if she’s really worth it. I eel the love you have for her as if it was emptying me. I can feel how much you love her and how i wish it’s me that you love. What is it about her that i don’t have? But i clearly know the answer, she is everything and i am nothing. She is the ocean, creeping in between the slats of my fingertips and i am just a small boat. I thought it’s me that you love but i was wrong. I’m so stupid for having my hopes high and now i ended up broken. You’re in love with my friend and i have to act that i am happy- happy for the both of you. I need to pretend that i am okay and i’m not affected. I feel like I have a lost the greatest battle of all time and I have been running in a race without even noticing that there’s no finish line. You love her for everything i couldn’t be, you love the things about her that i don’t have and maybe that’s the reason why you fell for her and not to me. How painful it is to watch you loving someone and it’s not me, worst is to my friend? It’s like pointing a gun and ready to pull the trigger any moment. I should have stopped a long time ago. But the problem is i don’t know how to stop. I feel the way you love her and it’s killing me. You love her while here i am trying to be happy for you even though i am hurting. I just thought that you’d choose me over her. I just thought that I’m worth the shot this time.

I’m still here for you. Even if I never crossed your mind. Even if you don’t miss me anymore and even if you can’t remember me. I’ll always be here for you even if i’m not the first person you think of when you wake up every morning. Even if you can’t feel anything when you hear my name. Even if we don’t talk anymore and it’s like we’re strangers now. I think, i will never stop caring for you and always be here for you even if you don’t need me anymore. I will always be here for you even if i’m no longer the person who you want to be there for you.

I am jealous of your ceiling that can watch you while you sleep at night. To your pillows that you’re hugging every night. Jealous of your sweater that touches your skin. Jealous of the walls the hears you when you sing and even when you scream at night. To the stars that you always love to stare at every night. I’m jealous of your alarm clock that wakes you up every morning. To the ray of the sun that gives you light and gently caresses your face every morning. I’m jealous to the cup of your coffee to be the first one to kiss your lips. I’m jealous of your phone screen that you can’t take your eyes off it. I’m jealous of the things that touches you in ways I cannot.

‘Everything happens for a reason.’ I always tell this to myself when something unexpectedly happened to me. I know that it won’t change anything but it makes me think of the positive things. Everything happens for a reason, maybe a reason that i will never understand but it’s for my own good. Sometimes i wonder why? I can’t help but to think i hope it didn’t go this way or it didn’t happen like this. Life will sometimes teach you a lesson in a way you’ll never forget, in a way it will hurt you so that you’ll learn something. And that’s why i always tell myself and everyone around me that maybe, it happened because it’s meant to happened and we don’t have the power to control it. I know that it’s God’s way of showing me the right path. And to teach me how to become a strong person. Sometimes, we just need to look on the brighter side of life, we need it especially if we’re losing hope and faith.