When I look back at life so far I feel like I was pretty careful. Like I took too little risks.

I’m noticing little things too like how it feels like I’ve been so averse to any discomfort or inconvenience lately. Any tiny stretch I make is gonna result in a cramp if I’m not careful. My skin is starting to sag. My cheeks are drooping. My lips’ default is a frown and not a smile. The anxiety and responsibility of everyday life has made it difficult to swallow at night. Sometimes I forget how to breathe. Or how it feels to not care about being perceived. Or to breathe, at all.

Some would say I’m still pretty reckless. Who books four overseas trips in a single year, on a whim, with three of them being to Japan? So sometimes I think my youth is still here.

—

My husband is sleeping next to me, lightly snoring. Today we had noodle soup for dinner, which I cooked. I met my husband when I was 16. Crazy how it doesn’t feel too long ago, but I think 16 year old Maedelle would be pretty pleased with her life right now, living with her best friend and love of her life.

—

I’m turning 30 soon. Someday I will come back here and think of current me. I hope she looks back with kind eyes and with fondness, as how I look at my younger self right now. Oh baby girl, you did your best and that was more than enough. It’s up to me to set up future me for a better life.

Would you believe I eat ampalaya now. Hahaha. Me, who ate cup noodles for a week straight in high school and drank coke after school with no remorse. I’m so conscious of my health now.

I hope I spend more time with my loved ones. Mom had a teeny tiny stroke last year but it was enough to send the entire family in high alert. I’m doing my best to spend as much time with them as I can. Sometimes it feels like I’m holding on too tight. I treated them to a flight to Japan, you might be proud of that one too. I am. We’ve come a long way.

—

It’s 12:40 am. I have work tomorrow at 7.

23 year old Maedelle would cry this time of the night because she had to go to a stupid job she hated and had no means of quitting.

29 year old Maedelle just designed merch for her current team. She’s pretty proud of her job and where she works. She doesn’t want to kill herself anymore.

I hope 30 year old Maedelle is happier. And maybe a bit more free.

It’s nice but at the same time sad.

I’ve been married for five months now. Such fun. I love every minute of it. But also it is a bit sad that I can’t spend lots of time with my family without a mental countdown in my head.

It’s funny how no one really prepares you for the aftermath. And to be honest, this sadness is the hardest part.

I like coming back here. It feels like talking to an old friend. To be honest I’m just practicing my writing skills because my mind feels hazy most of the time now. Is this what it means to get older?

But also that I’m barely alone in silence. I like having my loved ones beside me all the time but I am comfortable being alone too. I don’t quite get enough time like that anymore and it’s both a nice and a sad thing.

Is growing up through life just a combination of being both warm and happy and nice and a little or a lot sad all at the same time?

I feel like time is never enough. I just want all the time in the world hugging my husband. I’m just so grateful for him and it just feels so right.

I want all the time in the world with my mother. I miss her cooking. Every time she gives me food I have tears in my eyes.

I want all the time chatting with my sister about the randomest things. She always clings to me and hugs me extra tight whenever I visit. It’s so nice but it’s also so sad when I have to go.

I wish I had multiples of me so I can just bask in all their love and give all of them my full attention.

Growing up is so hard. And yet so nice.

—

I love him so so much. It just feels like I haven’t allowed myself to feel that lately.

The past few months have been difficult. My therapist asked me why I didn’t want to believe that he loved me too when all his actions show it.

One day I’ll believe you a hundred percent. Today I’m still a bit afraid it’s all a fluke or a dream.

I don’t want to leave.

I’m so scared of leaving. I want my mommy. I’m scared of missing my family. Of missing out on family time even though all we do is watch tv while we eat our meals. Our grocery days, our fancy dinners, hotel staycations, baking sessions, random hugs at home and the warm laughter in the kitchen while getting freshly made food.

I feel like sleeping is a waste of time.

I still sleep a lot in the day though. When not everyone’s home.

When everyone’s home I just want to spend as much time with them as possible.

I’m so lucky to have my family.

My therapist said that when I feel sad about moving it’s because I have so much love.

I’m trying to be kinder to my mother. Trying to be patient. It doesn’t always work out. I’m always guilty about it. She deserves so much. I wish she found the same kind of love that I found.

I want to cry. I just want to give them the world. I just want to spend as much time with all of my loved ones as much as possible. I just want to be as close to all of them as much as possible.

I hope my mother treats herself lovingly.

I hope my sister never gets lonely.

I’m so sad.

It’s because I love them very much.

get proper sleeping habits. i say as i type this at 12:45am

be kinder to everyone. especially to the people you love the most. to yourself also.

read and finish more books.

be more authentic.

make more art that feels like play and is liberating.

record more memories.

it’s ok to romanticize life.

be nicer to your body. spend less time rotting in bed. get up. it feels a lot better.

love as much as you can, with all your heart.

I want to be the best for the people I love.

it’s okay to not do anything exceptional this year. but you probably won’t listen and still do shit anyway. just don’t burn yourself down and always keep sight of what’s worth it.

I just want to spend my time the way I want to. And with the people I love. I do not want to be told what to do. I do not want to worry about basic things. I hate feeling shackled.

Now that you know the life you aspire to have, what will you do?

I would like a quiet life and grow some mushrooms.

I also want to study and be an amazing designer. I want to be known for making pretty things.

Someday I will want to know how I thought when I was 27.

Someday this will feel young to me, someday I will look back at my 27 year old self and feel the same fondness as I do now when I look back at my 15 year old self.

I have a dull ache in my chest right now. Which sounds just about right considering I never come here unless I feel any sort of melancholy.

Some nights are plain exhausting, some nights I feel like I’m not allowed to be exhausted and a lot of nights are just filled with so much fear and guilt.

This year I saw yoongi in real life. C & I planned a wedding that’s going to happen in six months. I travelled a lot and stayed at fancy hotels. It was a comfortable year in hindsight.

But also a lot of nights where I just wanted to cry and nothing would come out. A lot of moments when I would suddenly feel sad and exhausted.

Common thoughts this year included:

- Mother-daughter relationships are so complex. I wish I was kinder to my mother. I wish I could stop being so performative around her. A lot of my unhealthy habits are from her. She tried her best. She did what she could raising two kids alone. Sometimes I blame her. Most times I don’t. Her love can be quite suffocating. But I also know she only has us in the end.

So the guilt.

- A lot of days I don’t feel like existing. A lot of days it feels like i am unable to rest. Or trust. A lot of days I just want to fall.

A part of me is performative when in love. It’s not correct to think like this but I think a lot of times that I’m only worthy of being loved when I am useful. I have tried my hardest to be useful. To be the best, so you don’t look anywhere else.

You can see how easy it is to crush me. And a lot of days I felt like my insides were crumbling and there was no point in any of this.

- I would like to rest.

- There is so much change. And so much suffering. I don’t know if anyone knows how heavy it all is. Like I can’t be happy for myself. Like I can’t be happy for long. I feel so sad.

- There are also days when I feel so much warmth. So much love that I don’t know what to do with it. A lot of days I feel lucky and grateful for, being surrounded with so much love. These days I think are worth living.

so much fear. so sad. so heavy.

ten years today. as i grow older i tend to forget more and more things. my hands can't keep up with my thoughts. i haven't really done this in a long time.

lately i've been forgetting so many things. things that matter the most, things that should have occupied the tiny little corners of my soul.

i don't ever wanna forget today.

--

you were late today. we haven't been the best lately. i thought this was another one of those days where you'd disappoint me.

i said i wished you brought me flowers. but brushed the thought off. don't need another thing to be disappointed about.

it was raining hard, it was dark in the living room. you told me you'd be here by lunch instead of ten. you were here by 11:30. with a sunflower.

suddenly i'd forgiven you and i remembered how much i love you. you do always pull through. i'd forgotten that.

--

you look around the house and see the piles of stock for my shop. you said we really need a big house in the future. i asked you why, you told me "for your stocks."

i don't know. but knowing you were thinking of me in such a considerate way made my heart smile a little bit.

--

we get lunch. it's still raining hard. we go to a hotel nearby. you can't get the airconditioning to work. i sigh so heavily, thinking "great, another thing to be relied on". we laugh because you wouldn't survive in a mystery house.

we spend the next five hours hugging each other on the bed. i tell you lately your i-love-you's just brush through me and i can barely feel them, let alone believe in them. you hug me extra tight, the weight spread in random parts of my body. you told me you wanted to hug my sadness away. "here, you can't brush this off." i could feel the weight on my chess slowly melt away.

you tell me the things you overthink about. how you're not sure if it's wrong or right, but you just wanna avoid anything that hurts me. i just touch your face and stroke your cheek and tell you it's okay.

suddenly i feel so much warmth in my chest like all the love i've been holding is starting to resurface from being pushed down the past few weeks.

--

we go to this fancy restaurant where we eat with our hands and the people are warm. you eat with so much gusto and seeing you enjoy the food makes me so full.

i really do love you. and i want you to eat well.

wish I was a pet hamster or a pet dog that’d stay at home and go wherever you are and you’d be happy. but I also just wish I was dead so I can be free.

just wanna be free to love snd to choose my self and my happiness. why is doing that making me criminal. I did everything step by step by the book. and yet. and yet.