mortician: *makes the first incision*

Beyoncé - Akatosh, Dragon God of Time and Chief God of the pantheon

Beyoncé exists outside of time and being chief god goes without saying.

Lorde - Arkay, God of the Cycle of Life and Death

“Every night, I live and die.“ She said it herself.

Nicki Minaj - Dibella, God of Beauty and Sexual Desire

I mean, who embodies beauty and sexual desire quite like Nicki Minaj?

Britney Spears - Julianos, God of Wisdom

Listen. Nobody knows the highs and lows of this world like Britney does. Wisdom comes with experience.

Ariana Grande - Kynareth, God of the Air and Sky

This girl is the incarnation of being lighter than air.

Kesha - Mara, God of Love and Compassion

If you disagree then go and listen to Rainbow until you see the error of your ways.

Dua Lipa - Stendarr, God of Justice and Righteous Rule

I mean what is Dua Lipa known for if not her legendary rules

Dolly Parton - Zenithar, God of Work and Commerce

Aunt Dolly has a healthy appreciation for a 9-5 work day she knows what’s good.

Carly Rae Jepsen - Talos, Hero-God of Mankind

one time when I was in seventh grade I decided to walk home from the community center without wearing any shoes. But it was like 98 degrees outside, so obviously the pavement was hot as balls, but I stubbornly continued to walk home barefoot. Long story short I got second degree burns from the pavement and painful blisters on every part of my feet. When I had to explain to my parents why hell I walked home barefoot I told them that my shoes were hurting my feet. I ended up going to go see doctors, and I wore inserts in my shoes for three years. My parents even considered surgery to fix my feet so that they wouldn’t hurt. 

Do not accept a friend request from Chrisopeer Davies and Jessica Davies. They are hackers. Tell everyone on your friends list because if somebody on your list adds one of them, they’ll be on your list too. They will figure out your personal computer’s IP and address, so copy & paste this message wherever you can

Heads Up: Also look out for a Discord user by the name of “KeirStarmer” or often just “Keir”. He is going around sending friend requests to random Discord users, and those who accept his friend requests will have their accounts DDoSed and their IP Addresses revealed to him.

Spread the word and send this to as many discord servers as you can. If you see this user, DO NOT accept his friend request and immediately block him.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

There were Two of them

me: *rolls a single can of soup down the isle before I start walking*

guests: ?????????????????????????????