House of Murdoc Faust Niccals (Hail Satan!)

For the uninformed, although you lot should know who I am, I'm Murdoc Niccals: frontman and incredibly handsome bassist for Gorillaz. A rockstar, an international love machine, beloved by the entire bloody world (except for that one bloke in Blackpool that tipped me off, that bugger still owes me 50 quid). If I were to name all my accomplishments we'd be here all fucking day! Sounds glorious but I'm aware my audience has the attention span of 2D. Shame really, I'd love to tell the full Niccals story right here and now considering I've just landed on this supposed hellsite from the fiery depths of Kong Studios. I know many of you are dying to know how I became as great as I am.

Shite, right, why I'm here. Soz about that little tangent. Now that we've moved on past the basic introduction, let's begin with the more interesting stuff shall we?

I'm here to answer your burning questions! That's right! All your darkest, deepest desires and thoughts about good ol' Uncle Murdy can and will be acknowledged and answered! I'm an open book! Ask away! Got lots of time on my hands after that blasted India trip you know and I'm dying to hear from my beloved followers.

Alright then get to asking! Don't have all day you knobs, yeah? Casa de Murdoc is open for business.

And remember: Satan Loves You!

Bloody hell, this is the fourth fucking time I've been asked this question recently! Weird innit? I'm giving you the same answer I gave to 2D (who asked me this yesterday): I've never done a sodding DNA test in my 60 years of life. I have not an iota of where I come from, if anywhere. All I know is I'm a British bloke and I always will be. Or, if you want to get interesting, due to some of my previous dealings with the big man downstairs, I might have some demonic blood in me, haw haw. Would explain my perfect green complexion, yeah?

Oh, almost forgot.

Guess it is that sod's birthday today. 48 years old. Satan, it's making me feel old just saying that aloud. I've known him since he was 19 and look at us now, old enough to be damn grandparents. Not me but 2D for sure. Right, I promised Noodle I'd be nice to Dents today, and for once I'm trying to keep my word, as hard as it is. Doesn't mean I'm getting him a present, and if I do, it's probably going to end up being another rock that I hope isn't a petrified turd. Surprised the lad keeps them all. Maybe I'll get him another satsuma if I'm feeling "generous" (I might've accidentally eaten another one of his, still tasted like shite if you were wondering haw haw). I assume some of you lot were expecting me to do some grandiose speech about how "momentous this day is" or how "2D isn't that bad," yeah? Soz to disappoint, loves, but Murdoc doesn't do sentimental bollocks. Sure me and 2D have gotten...closer I suppose but that means nothing!

Fuck this hangover's killing me. That's it I'm done for the night (morning?).

Happy Birthday Stupot blah blah blah whatever (insert your own sappy bullshit here).

You can barely take care of one of your fucking satsumas, Faceache. Those aren’t even alive! You left one in my room and I accidentally ate it! You think I’m gonna let you keep a bird that leaves shit on the floor and feathers everywhere? Nah, mate. I’m not a moron. You wouldn’t be able to keep a damn goldfish alive for more than two days maximum! And you barely pick up after yourself, who’s to say you’d tidy up after some squawking, feathered annoyance? It would be me doing all the work per usual, and I refuse to live in a house with two messes. So the answer is NO!

Favourite organ, eh? I’ve heard a lot of questions from fans but I’ve never heard this one before. It’s a weird one innit? Congratulations, lad! You’ve earned a spot on the list of strangest questions EVER asked to Murdoc Niccals! Good for you! As a reward you get a metaphorical pat on the back and if you give me your address I’ll mail you a poster (not signed cos I don’t got time for that haw haw).

As for your bizarre question, have to say I’ve always had a soft spot for the liver. Perhaps it’s cos mine’s been swapped out so many times. What can I say? My bloody fantastic drinking habits cock up my entire body every few years. It’s the only organ I can keep switching out with minimal discomfort. Have had to get a new liver from 2D I dunno how many times. Along with a large assortment of other organs from him as well.

Mate, the last time you got a tattoo you went to the shittiest parlour I’ve ever seen and came home crying cos the sod messed it up. Cost a FORTUNE to get that disaster of a tattoo removed. If you think you’re gonna win me over with this sob story, Faceache, you’ve got another thing coming. By the way, Russel won’t pay for you because I told him not to. For once we agreed on something! I know, shocking news!

uhhh are you at the studio right now? I want some tea but Noodz is in the kitchen an she's sorta mad at me right now (I might've changed her CD a bit to fast...an' yknow she's scary when she's mad...think she's got 'er katana to!)

but yeah...! wish ya luck on the blog (hopeful you won't need it?)- 2D (@2dents4raellyfe)

Well, well, well, if it isn’t my darling little songbird? Being a fucking copycat and trying to make a blog to steal my attention eh? Gotta try harder than this, dullard. I don’t need luck cos I’m gonna be a success GUARANTEED!

Anywho, I’m not currently in the studio. Told you that I was taking a day to “reconnect with my fans.” Of course your bangers and mash for brains didn’t remember that. That’s what I’m doing right now and have been doing for the entire night. I’m in my Winnebago trying to get piss drunk like the good ol’ days. If Noodle’s ticked at you, best to leave her alone, especially when she’s got her bloody katana. Still got a scar from that time I tried to scare her, you know? Reckon Russ’ll handle it if he has to. Call him if you need anything. I’ll make you a tea later if you come down and bring me some more vodka. I’m dreadfully low.

much love!

Finally!! Hello there, love, so tickled to see an admirer of my work for Humanz. Many “fans” tend to glance over my pristine looks in that era, cos of course they do! 2D gets all the credit, to which I say bollocks! That shirt I wore at the Spirit House is still iconic! I’ll pull that one out for whenever 2D’s mum comes over for tea. Brings the room to tears!

As for your question, I personally believe that whatever the most recent album I’ve made is the best one (except for that one 2D made when I got nicked, don’t even remember the title). Currently speaking, that means The Mountain is my favourite, truly think we’ve got another Grammy on the way cos of it. But I’ve always had a soft spot for our Demon Days album, mostly because of my masterpiece White Light being on that one. Greatest song we’ve ever made and the only time you’ll hear Murdoc on LEAD VOCALS! Haw haw!

You think I’d be upset, but no! I’m THRILLED that so many people on here want more of me! Means more fans! More exposure! More stardom! It's brilliant! Even if I’m not sure which one of us sods is the real Murdoc anymore. Doesn't really matter, I suppose. Small world after all (I fucking hate that song by the way, blame Noodle).