Knock Me Down

This had gotten out of hand entirely too quickly, but it wasn’t the first time with them. They were both too emotional - both quick to anger. It made for an intense relationship, but that didn’t always mean it was a good one. Sirius knew Marlene wanted more out of him, even if she didn’t explicitly tell him. But it wasn’t something he wanted - to be with her in the same way James and Lily had been. And he’d tell her that, if it ever came up. But Marlene kept coming back and he really hadn’t needed to change anything about the way they were - he was fine with it that way.

But in moments like this, he sometimes wished they’d be done for good. Despite what she seemed to believe, he did care about her. He wouldn’t stick around if he didn’t. But he didn’t want to debate the sides of their friends’ break-up - because they both knew full well that they’d never be standing side-by-side in this matter. Marlene was Lily’s. Sirius was James’. It was as simple as that. And she could throw that he didn’t give a shit around all she wanted, but it wasn’t true. He might not have been there for her in the way she wished, but he was there for James. For Peter. Even for Remus, suspicions be damned. 

“Oh, you’re such a saint,” he retorted sarcastically. “We both know that if push came to shove, you’d choose her. Let’s not act like there aren’t sides here, love.” Their voices had grown louder and he vaguely thanked Merlin that James wasn’t home to hear all of this. He didn’t fancy explaining exactly what had happened to his friend. Knew it would only intensify the guilt James had seemed to be feeling lately. 

He stepped closer to her, glared down at her. He wasn’t too much taller, but he was happy that he still had the height advantage here. “That’s just it! You can’t protect her! None of us can! We’re all fucking targets in this war and, yeah, I’ll hex someone and get in the way if they’re going after her, but you can’t just sit around rubbing her back and telling her it’s going to be okay! We’re in a war, Marlene. The Ministry knows we’re part of the Order! Lily has to do some of this shit on her own. I’m not going to pretend I’m not angry that she dumped James - because I am! Because of her, his mind is not in the game. It’s not on his own survival. And if he dies because he’s too worried about trying to win his ex-girlfriend back, Lily won’t just have the Ministry to be afraid of!”

It was true that Sirius loved Lily. But he loved James more and, honestly, he might go mad without his friend talking some sense in him. It was like they were tethered together and, okay, it might have been a bit unhealthy, but that didn’t mean Sirius was going to change anything. 

Marlene hated this. She hated how quickly she and Sirius had turned this into a fight, she hated how Sirius was acting like he knew her better than she knew herself, she hated his pride and his stupid, condescending tone. She hated-- did she hate him? Maybe. She would have hated anyone else in that moment, but Marlene didn't know if she would ever have it in her to hate Sirius Black.

”You’re the only one who thinks we have to start picking sides like our friend’s break up is a god damn war.” Marlene scowled back up at him, standing her ground even as he stepped forward pressing his height advantage. “Don’t you think we all have enough of that in our lives?”

Marlene blinked at him, her mind going blank all of a sudden at the prospect that Lily was in genuine danger. Marlene had long resigned herself to the fact that she might lose her life to this war. It had been a hard choice to make, but dying for a good cause was something McKinnons seemed to be particularly good at. Her father had done, her brother had done it, so if she did as well maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But Marlene had never let herself think about the fact that her friends were in just as much danger as she was. Marlene knew that if it came down to it, she would gladly throw herself in front of a killing curse for Lily, but even that willingness might not be enough. Not if she just wasn't there to do it, and Marlene couldn't possibly be able to protect all her friends, no her family every second of the day.

Remus rolled his eyes when Marlene insisted yet again that she was not making any promises. They’d had this conversation a million times and they never came any closer a solution. “Okay, no promises.” He couldn’t help his grin. “Agreed.” He pulled the bag o chocolate towards himself, unable to believe just how many bars Marlene had bought for him. She really did go all out for her friends, it was something he deeply admired. He carefully selected a flavour, breaking off a few pieces of Honeyduke’s finest. Jokes aside he knew he wasn’t going to be able to eat or drink much without making himself ill so he took it slow, almost absentmindedly dipping a block into his tea so that the outer layers melted, before popping it into his mouth. He knew Alice would be horrified by the action but that only served to amuse him. “You know, Marls…” He said as he chewed thoughtfully. “I really think you’re one of the best people I know… I really, really do. I don’t know what I would do without you so you’d better stick around.” He kept his tone light but the implication was clear. I’m scared I’m going to lose you to this war.

“Agreed.” Marlene echoed his words with a firm nod. As he spoke, she began to rearrange herself on the bed again, being careful not to jostle Remus too much she stretched her legs out on one end and shifted so that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. Marlene tried to shrug off Remus’s words, she knew that these nights meant a lot to him but she couldn’t imagine it wasn’t something any half-decent person would do for a friend. Spending a few nights with a good friend didn’t even come close to making up for her flaws, of which she was painfully aware. “I’m nothing special.” She murmured, then she met his eyes and continued on more loudly. “I’ve got a long ways to go if I want to catch up with the likes of you and Lily. You guys are really giving me a run for my money in the best person competition.” She laughed as she spoke, but the implication wasn’t lost on her and the fear underlying in his voice gave Marlene pause. She took a deep breath and searched out Remus’s eyes. “You never have to worry about me leaving, okay? That’s a promise.”

“Um, obviously. I thought that much was clear.” She raised an eyebrow, she was used to being called a bitch, it was something that happened quite frequently, but she would much rather be called a bitch than be a person that was easily walked all over. “If anyone is delusional here, it would be you, Marlene, darling,” she said with mock sympathy. “Next time, you really should make sure that you are watching where you’re going, I would hate for you to bump into someone that might actually hurt you. We wouldn’t want that, would we?” She asked condescendingly. “Since you have so many people who have a problem with you, after all. I’m just trying to help.”

“I’m the one that’s trying to be polite here,” well, as polite as Marlene could manage at least, “It’s not like I want to be here picking a fight with you. I would’ve let this go if you hadn’t been trying to act like I’d done something wrong.” Marlene said, practically growling. “Oh, can it with the fake concerned act.” She said, eyes rolling. “You don’t need to pretend like you give half a shit about me, because I can see right through that. Don’t worry though, darling,” Marlene said, using the other girl’s words. “If I run into someone who I actually need to worry about, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”

Lily made a noise. “Ugh, that is one of the reasons I love you,” she told Marlene. Double desserts, the dream. A dream Marlene and Lily often lived with each other because they were rubbish at saying no to indulging themselves. Finishing a night curled up on the sofa, surrounded by chocolate was something she’d loved to do with Marlene at school, and she was glad that it was still something they could do. “Whats your favorite type of pasta, Kid?” Lily asked as they approached the restaurant. Lily walked ahead slightly and pushed the door open to the restaurant for the other two. With someone on the door, she smiled politely. “For three please,”

“Love you more.” Marlene answered, giving her a wide grin in response. She watched in amusement as Lily and the child she was looking after began to talk to each other, as they spoke Marlene slid into a chair, sitting herself next to the kid to keep an eye on him. “Seriously, Lils. Since when were you so good with kids?” She commented, her attention split between the two of them and the menu. “Hey, you can’t tell your mum about the desserts, okay?” Marlene murmured, sharing a conspiratorial glance with Lily and the kid.

“That’s works.” Remus said, knowing it was the best he was going to get from Marlene. He smiled smugly at the mention of the tea. ‘That’s because I made it.“ He leaned back against his pillows, burrowing down into the blankets as best he could without spilling his drink. “Well, it works both ways, you know. You have to take care of yourself too if you want to take care of me.” He knew she couldn’t argue with that. “We’re in this war together, for better or for worse. Tonight is about both of us. Don’t think it isn’t.” Their friendship always had been a tag team support system. “Eat some chocolate if you don’t want to talk. You’ll feel better, I promise. I don’t mind what we do, Marls. Just you being here is enough.”

“No promises though.” She repeated her words with an emphasis, because in her heart Marlene knew that she was never going to be able to stop worrying about Remus. He was family to her in all but name, and after what had happened to the rest of Marlene’s family she’d be damned if she let anything at all happen to the rest of them. Marlene let out a huff in response, “you know we could go in circles like this all night, so agreed. We’ll both take care of each other.” Marlene gave him an indulgent smile and reached for the bag she’ brought with her, spilling over with chocolate. She picked a bar from the bag and pushed the rest towards Remus. 

At her response, James’ face actually lightened up, even if it was nowhere near how he used to smile prior to all that has happened after Hogwarts. The idea that some things never changed was more than a little uplifting. Sure, he had something similar at his own home, which he shared nowadays with Sirius, since his best mate’s attitude seemed to be stuck back in their first year, but then Sirius was something akin to a pillar in his life - forever constant and always ready to give support. But before James and Lily had officially started going out, Marlene was just a classmate. It was nice to know that despite all, she was still there and wasn’t trying to rip his head of for upsetting her best friend. That is, if only Lily was upset about the whole thing, considering how it was her who had decided to dump him and apparently wanted to try other options. He’d ask about her, try to sniff around for any clues as to her well being, but there was a possibility, that an honest answer might crush him even more. 

‘That makes the two of us.’ He pointed out, trying and probably, hopefully not failing in his very own attempt at humour (but for that she’d need to comment on how that made him a witch). 

Seeing the small smile grace James's face, Marlene couldn't help but respond with one of her own. With all the horror, increasing day by day, it was easy for Marlene to believe that this war was all any of her and her friend's lives would amount to. Even such a small gesture lit a spark of hope in her, a reminder that there was, there would be, more to their lives than living in fear day in, day out.

"Hey," Marlene began, a jokingly stern look on her face. "Quit trying to steal my title, mate. Let me have this one." As she spoke, she gave him a gentle nudge with her elbow. "You'll have to settle for most suspicious, foolish wizard in all of London. Unless you've got something to tell me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at her again when she talked about fairness. Nothing about the situation between Lily and James was fair, but it wasn’t Sirius’ comment that made it that way. He frankly didn’t want to hear about how sad she was over the break-up because the whole damn thing had been her idea in the first place. He didn’t hate her, but that didn’t mean he had to like her right now. Marlene, of course, tried defending her friend, but cut off when she didn’t have an argument. Sirius jumped on it immediately. “See! You don’t even know why the fuck she did it! If she didn’t want to hurt him, then she didn’t do a very good job. Maybe she could’ve, I don’t know, not broken up with him? But instead she gave back that fucking ring and claimed they were too young or some bullshit.”

Sirius’s head fell back and he let a bark of laughter escape his lips. Only there was not humor in it at all. Instead, it was a bitter sort of laugh. “Why do you always do this? Stop putting words in my fucking mouth. I never said you wanted to see James upset, but here you are defending Lily like we’ve all got to walk on damn eggshells because she’s having a rough time. Look around, Marlene! Everyone’s got shit in their life! We’re living during a war!”

He stood up, pushing himself off the bed roughly, and pulled on his trousers. Reaching down to grab at his shirt, he gave her another stony look. “I’m not going to act like she fucking shits out roses because her parents died and neither should you. You’re not doing her any favors. If she wants to stop feeling sad, then maybe she shouldn’t have left the bloke that could’ve made that happen. She’s not going to survive this war if she wants coddling. Get over yourself.” 

Marlene eyed him coldly, every word that came out of his mouth filling her with more rage. She hated that he’d picked up on the fact that Lily hadn’t given her an explanation of why she broke up with James. It had seemed like a good idea not to push her friend on the subject given how fragile she’d seemed since, but now Sirius was twisting it around to make her look bad. “Yeah, I don’t know the full story. You know why? Because I didn’t barge in and start demanding answers and go off at her when I didn’t like what I heard. I gave her time, like any good fucking friend would!” Marlene spat the words back at him. “But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? You think being a good friend is all talk, but when things get hard all of a sudden you don’t give a shit.” Maybe Marlene was getting off topic, but she was too fired up to care, she just wanted to defend her friend. Maybe she wanted to defend her own pride as well.

 “Oh, says you. I’m not saying you have to walk on eggshells or whatever other bullshit you want to call it. All I’m saying is since you’re supposed to be her friend, maybe you’d consider having just a little bit of sympathy. I don’t know what happened between them, but you don’t see me assuming the worst about him and talking about him to you behind his back.” Marlene hadn’t realized she was shouting, but the more she spoke, the more righteous she felt and she didn’t care to censor herself or his sake anymore. “Yeah, everyone’s got shit in their life,” she began repeating his words “so all the more not to be such a fucking asshole to everyone you meet.”

“Oh right, I forgot in your eyes James is some knight in shining armour that has never done anything wrong. You don’t know that James was gonna make her happy. Do you think that I won’t be able to protect her? Or the rest of her friends? Maybe even you could help her if you’d just forget this stupid vendetta you have against her!”

Remus winced slightly as the mattress was jostled but pulled Marlene closer the first chance he got. “You can worry about me a little bit.” He decided. “But only a little bit.” He reached over her to pick up his mug of tea, returning to his previous position with a sharp intake of breath. “If I am the only one keeping you sane then you should definitely be worried.” He joked, although his voice was laced with concern. “Do you need to talk? About anything, Marls, I don’t care what it is. If you think talking will help then you know I’m here to listen.” 

Marlene pouted at him playfully in response. “Okay, I’ll try and rein it in but I can’t make any promises. How about that?” She blew gently into her mug before taking a few sips. “Good tea.” She commented offhandedly, before continuing. “That’s what I’m saying, you’ve gotta take care of yourself so that you can take care of me, yeah?” Admitting how much she needed Remus made Marlene feel a bit daft, but it was true, he had so quickly become the only person she could talk to. As much as she cared about Sirius, she didn’t know how to talk about anything serious with him and Lily was already in a bad enough condition without Marlene burdening her with all her concerns. And even if Charlotte did decide to start speaking to her again, Marlene couldn’t imagine that would last very long if she started talking about the War and the Order and all the things her sister was in denial about. “I-” Marlene considered unloading everything she’d been worrying over for the last few months onto him, but how selfish would she have to be to complain to Remus while he was in this state? “No, don’t worry about me. Tonight is about you, so what do you wanna do?”

Remus shot Marlene a look, one that let her know he saw straight through her seemingly innocent question. “I haven’t exceeded the daily recommended dosage.” He lied. “You can stop worrying about me, Marls.” He patted the bed next to him, lifting up the blanket ready to cover them both. “Anybody who works in a sweet shop and doesn’t live by ‘the more chocolate the better’ should definitely be fired on the spot.” He concluded. “Maybe you should take her job. After all, there is nothing as great or important as supplying the world with sugar. You seem to understand that.”

Marlene glowered at him, she was slightly dubious about whether he was telling the truth or not but of course she trusted Remus’s judgement. “Can’t I worry about you just a little bit? I kinda need you to stay safe because I think you’re the only person keeping me sane, Rem.” As she spoke, she wriggled underneath the blankets and gently let her head rest on his shoulder. “Not a bad idea. I’ll complain to her manager and if this job at the ministry doesn’t work out I’ll send in my resume.”

Lily chuckled. “You know I could never live up to you, Marls” she said. Lily followed in step, feeling a lot more comfortable with Marlene beside her. Even if they had a kid as a buffer. Lily would have to watch what she said, content and language-wise. Spending any time with Marlene was better than nothing. Sure, they lived together, but they had a lodger with them nowadays. With the restaurant in sight, Lily felt her stomach growl. “Don’t judge me for the amount of food I’m about to consume,” she warned both of them.

“Oh, stop. You know you beat me in basically every field imaginable.” Marlene said the words jokingly, but despite her laugh she still believed them wholeheartedly. “I wouldn’t dream of it. In fact I might end up eating just as much as you.” As Marlene slid into a seat and picked up a menu, she could practically feel her mouth watering. “Also it might be drastic, but I think double desserts are in order today.”

He leaned over to grab the pack of cigarettes on his nightstand, but froze at the sudden harshness in her tone. Shifting against, he left the pack lying on the table and turned back to her, pushing himself up as well so they were the same height, rather than her looking down at him. His expression darkened at her words and he shrugged rather petulantly. Part of him was confused, however. Did she really not know what he was talking about? 

“What the fuck do you mean?” His tongue darted out for a moment to wet his lips and he clenched his jaw. He lifted a hand to point his finger at the door. “My best mate is holed up in his room right now wallowing over her. She dumped him. Or did you forget? If she’s going to judge you for getting some, then she shouldn’t have left James fucking brokenhearted.”

He raised his eyebrows in a challenge. “But I’m guessing you’re on her side, right? Think he deserved it or something.”

“Unbelievable.” Marlene muttered to herself, although given how close he was to her he probably still heard it. She couldn’t believe that she’d been so happy just a few minutes ago, considering pouring her heart out to him and now she wanted to throttle him. “That’s not fair!” She hissed back, the things she’d said about Lily hadn’t even been true. She’d only said it in some pathetic attempt to spend more time with him. “She didn’t mean to hurt him, she was-” Marlene cut herself off before continuing. To be fair, Marlene didn’t even know the entirety of Lily’s reasoning for breaking things off with James, but she had seen how hard the past few months had been on her friend. Lily had lost her parents and she hadn’t been the same since and here Sirius was acting like she was some sort of evil temptress running around breaking hearts for fun. Kind, sweet Lily who had sat with Marlene for hours on end, comforting her after her father died. 

He fluffed the pillows behind him - they were flat and he would’ve smirked at why if it wasn’t something he and Marlene shared often - and then plopped back on them, throwing an arm behind his hand to prop himself up a bit. Marlene fell next to him, his name trailing from her lips, and the way she said it sounded like trouble. Hey Sirius… do you love me? Hey Sirius… let’s become official. Hey Sirius… I think I’m pregnant.

He stiffened for a moment before the rest of her question came out and he relaxed, an easy smile pulling at his lips. It wasn’t as though he just kicked her out after every fuck. What kind of bloke did she think he was? “Yeah, sure, love. As long as you don’t mind me lighting one up in a mo’.” He pulled a face at the mention of Lily’s judgement. “Like she has the fucking right to judge anyone right about now.” He scoffed - not even thinking about how it might not be a good idea to insult the best friend of the girl still half-naked in his bed. 

The smile came easily to her as she watched him shift on the bed and when he smiled back at her– Marlene would never tell anyone the way it made her feel when Sirius smiled at her. She had a reputation to uphold, and if she ran around giggling about how a smile- probably a disingenuous one at that, Marlene had to remind herself- gave her butterflies, her reputation would be destroyed pretty quickly. 

Marlene shrugged her shoulders in response, she wasn’t thrilled that he decided he had to start smoking in the tiny little room at that exact moment, but she could handle it if it meant extending her little fantasy of happiness for a few more minutes. Merlin, she really was ridiculous.

Then just like that, the fantasy was ruined.

“What did you just say?” Marlene snapped, pushing herself up so that she was sitting up and facing him. She couldn’t believe the way he was speaking about Lily. Sure, she might have started it but that was different. Lily was her best friend, Marlene had a right to be a little irritated by her on occasion, but what right did Sirius have to be talking about her like that? “What are you talking about?”

There were many things wrong in his current situation. First of all he was at the moment in the middle of the Diagon Alley, instead of anywhere else really (preferably Sirius’ flat) and even though it was fairly deserted it was still way too lively for his liking. Then there was the topic of the conversation on going, which was random enough to make him wince and yet should have been normal within people their age. Last but not least… He was in the middle of the Wizarding London, having a conversation about how it was all too gloomy with Marlene McKinnon - his ex’s best friend who was weirdly not trying to decapitate him (yet). Though, he’d rather not dwell on the reasons for that.

Pushing his hand deeper into his jeans pockets James searched his brain for any kind of answer, that wouldn’t make it weird, so he decided on sticking in with the obvious.

‘With all the attacks, anybody out here is either foolish or suspicious.’

“Nice.” Marlene shot back sarcastically, rolling her eyes at his response. Merlin, she was trying to hard to play nice with James which was not easy when all she wanted to do was to scream at him that her best friend- his ex fiance- was falling apart and she was certain it was all his fault. But she was still friends with James, wasn’t she? Even after everything that had happened between him and Lily, she didn’t think that meant she had to hate him but he certainly wasn’t making it easy. “I would ask you what that makes me, but there’s not much point is there? I’m the most suspicious, foolish witch in all of London.” It was a pretty weak attempt at humour, but Marlene figured it was better than blurting out all the other thoughts racing through her mind.

“I suppose we are.” Remus said softly, focusing on pouring two mugs of tea. Even the effort of getting up to answer the door had tired him out, and he returned to his bed the moment he’d finished with their drinks. The blankets were pooled in the middle of the mattress and a few of the cushions from his sofa had been pushed up against the wall, it was clear he had been curled up there before Marlene had arrived, and that’s precisely where he planned to be now that she was here with him. He knew he didn’t need to tell her to make herself comfortable, so he set the mugs down on his bedside table, climbing onto the bed and waiting for her to join him, pulling a small vial of pain potion from one of his drawers as he did so. He downed it in one, so casually that he might as well have been taking vitamins. He knew his parents worried about how many potions he took each month, and he was pretty sure it was simply the placebo effect rather than them actually working, but they helped nonetheless. “Merlin, Marls, how many bars did you buy?” He asked, clearly amused. “I guess it’s her loss. Who is she to judge us chocolate connoisseurs?”

Marlene tried to hide the concern in her face, she knew from experience that fussing over Remus, offering to help him every time he took a step would only serve to make him more frustrated. Besides, that sort of helping had never been Marlene’s forte, although when he downed the pain potion she made a mental note of it. “How many of those have you had?” She asked in her best casual voice as she settled herself on the other end of the bed. “A less intelligent person might say I bought too many but I know better and I say the more chocolate the better. For someone who works at a sweets shop she was completely clueless about it.”

“Oh!” Mary fumbled (perhaps far too) excitedly for her bag, just catching her coffee before it spilled, and pulling out the fliers she had stuffed inside when she had decided to take a break from both the bitter cold of winter and people (even Mary could get discouraged when she gave a long, heartfelt plea only for passing pedestrians to immediately trash the flier once they turned around). “It’s not for a few weeks yet, but how do you feel about holiday parties? And helping orphaned kids.” That last part was the important bit, really, and where most people started to tune out because they knew the request for money that came with it. 

“Well, it goes without saying that I like you doing it too.” He said, stumbling slightly as Marlene wrapped an arm around him. His expression darkened when she apologized. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t heard that a million times before and he didn’t like people feeling sorry for him, but she meant well and he knew that. He pulled away from her, moving to light the gas hob and get some water boiling for tea, hoping she had missed his brief change in demeanor. “There is no such thing as too much chocolate.” He said, smile firmly back in place.

“So we’re in agreement then. I’ll be here for you every month for the rest of time. That’s a promise.” Marlene’s voice was firm, her mind wandered to the possibility that one day, maybe not too far in the future, these nights would have to end. She gave a quick shake of her head, trying to push that thought to the back of her mind. Marlene’s eyes crept over to Remus when she noticed the small change in him. She wanted to ask him what it was, but Marlene wasn’t there to remind him about how hard this all was on him but to distract him from it. “That’s what I told the woman at the shop but I could tell from her expression that she did not agree. That’s okay though, we know the truth.”