The Musings of an Endangered Mind.

Where I hope to find some form of

Enlightenment

A blaze enriching me with knowledge

Of the seven seas

As I try to wade through this ocean of life

Without knowing how to swim.

Nurturing splintered stars in my arms

As I cradle your face -

Such beauty in your shut eyes that it seems as though

Your eyelids are holding your pupils in tight embrace.

These same pupils that I constrict and dilate

But i remain

In oblivion -

Shrouded by a grey fog I try to peer into your eyes,

Try to understand your soul

But time and again, I fail to

Whether it's closed lids or open soul

Because once again,

I've only been searching for my own.

We go around in circles,

Recycling the same tears,

Because what goes around must come around

But I've been spinning for too long in

This merry go round

And it's no longer fun -

I am dizzy;

Nausea captures my mouth:

I fail to realise the nectar in your words

Because my insides taste so grotesque

That everything I perceive is a reflection

Of the bitterness in my own.

I have these thoughts

And I have these intentions,

Well bred, well meant intentions

But they're like fairy lights that have been

Tangled and stuffed in some dusty corner

For far too long

They have this

Light that shines from within

But I have always been far too impatient

To sit cross legged and take out the knots

Give time to anything else but the murmurs of my own heart.

There is a light within but there is no enlightenment,

Just oblivion

Because the desire to know

got lost in translation and never metamorphosed

Into effort

And until I peel open my eyelids to see the world,

love, we are here to be free, to be deceived

by our own insincerity

i look and i breathe in this shade and I find myself weak

fumbling, trying to get through life

but it's the one that's getting through to me.

i wander in these melancholy hours,

sleep depraved even though i don't have to be

everything i am, i don't have to be

i don't want to be

but i am because i am deceived

by the empty promises i make to myself everyday

god left me in this darkness

so i roll around in this hay.

hey, throw some straw at me, let us play

these things are not meant to stay

this loneliness, this depravity

i'm not weak, at least i won't be

for much longer

or so i tell myself today,

something i cannot help

there was a time when you made me feel good

not good

powerful, worthy, illuminating

how did i get here? how did we get here?

when i couldn’t get anything i wanted, you were all i had

and now i have so much more, but not you

not anymore

the first time i ever wrote anything, i was seven

and i changed the lyrics of the hyms they taught

in my catholic school.

this was also the year i had my first ever crush;

he was a boy who sat

on the desk behind me.

on my ninth birthday i went to school

wearing a pair of pretty white heels

that were too small for me and when a

teacher noticed me walking painfully,

i said i was okay.

that was also the year i finished most 

of dickens’ work and subsequently got 

sick of his characters forever.

i was twelve the first time i really

got obsessed with a book

and wondered if it would be a good idea

to kill myself;

thirteen when i first cried

over a boy. 

i had seen him with another girl

and i also had a sprained ankle

but one clearly hurt more than the other.

i was fourteen when i had my first kiss

which was truly nothing special

and sixteen when i was told for the first time

that my poetry was too painful and

much older than i was.

that was also the age when i thought 

about what it would be like to kill myself

for the second, third and the 

five hundreth time.

now, at seventeen, sometimes 

i still find myself forcing out laughter

and excitement at some things

my friends say and i still

wish i didn’t cry so easily

and stopped thinking in philosophy

that is beyond my years.

but i no longer reply to

“how are you?” with “good”

when i’m not and i’ve

learnt to stop carrying burdens

that are not mine and i

try to be grateful and keep faith in 

my god and i now know that 

arguments can end with

“i respect your opinion even 

if it’s not mine”

but above all, i have learnt this:

the universe is always watching