Madam Mermaid

I'm terrified. for a country that has come so far with acceptance of others to be faced with the fact that the rights to my own body are being taken from me by men. we were making such progress with gay rights and minority rights.. only to be falling back to what? its the most disheartening, upsetting fact that is becoming a reality today. at first, this movement didn't seem real. it didn't seem like it could actually happen that we live in a day and age where men still get to tell us what we get to do with our bodies. i thought we were passed this. i thought we have grown from that. but apparently i was very wrong. 

what happens next. what do we regress to next? will i be able to have my own bank account in ten years? what about vote? or own property? are we resorting back to when we were just placed on this earth to procreate for the man. this is sickening. I'm devastated. 

women were not created to just have babies and serve their husbands. its absurd we even have to have this conversation still.. i just.. i thought we were passed this.

i still believe the future is female. i still believe that we can get passed this and take what is ours back. i still believe that there are GOOD men out there who stand with us and stand with our individuality. i have to believe that.

i wish i had someone telling me it was okay to not know what i wanted when i was young. to tell me that its okay to take my time to find myself. its okay because i am young and i have time to figure it out. because maybe in that time i would have found myself and what my purpose is instead of forcing myself to fake it and make reckless decisions in order to please the people telling what i needed to do to gain success. because now i sit here not knowing where to start or where to go. not knowing if the next step is worth it because i dont have time to waste anymore. feeling rushed to accomplish the goal i could have been drawn to if i wasn’t wasting away in a degree that meant little to me. a degree that i completed just because i was told to. i did everything “the right way” you know. 

i just feel like i was meant for more than this and i didnt get the chance to really find out what that was. 

is rolling over at 2 am

and silently

wrapping myself round you

press my forehead 

to your back

your big strong back

and you never fail

there is something to intimate and incredible about the natural touching between you and your person. just the instinctual act of reaching out for your person fr physical touch is one of the most reassuring and special feelings. these extremely small acts have such a loud message of how someone feels about another person. its a sense of security. a sense of comfort and love. affection and safety. 

reaching for your knee when they are driving.

holding onto your waist when walking through a crowd.

resting their arm on the back of your chair with their hand on your back.

reaching for their hand when you’re walking. 

butt grab when passing through the kitchen.

running your fingers along their body when laying next to eachother.

wrapping your arms around them while they brush their teeth.

actions speak so much louder than words. it’s an incredible feeling to feel needed by someone. and needing them in return. a mutual comfort of togetherness. 

if you are lucky enough to find a person that sits you down and says “we are in this together and we are going to work on this together” do not let that person go. they are in it for the long haul and they know what thy have is worth fighting for.

i honestly never thought i would have something like that but right now, we are thoroughly working on what needs to improve together. and we both know what we have is worth working on. and that almost makes things fixed in and of itself. 

its okay to feel what you are feeling.. society put this burden on us that being sensitive and emotional is a sign of weakness or an annoyance on others.

my whole life i have felt a level of empathy that i don’t think everyone feels. i am touched by even the gentlest of grief. its not always fun. feeling so much. going through this life missing a layer of skin. but it makes me who i am. i have a big heart.. 

it’s okay to know who you are and what makes you who you are. its not bragging and its not oversharing. self evaluation is very important in order to know our place and purpose in this life. 

however, if you let your feelings and emotions take over your life, that is when you let the burden become you. feel what you need to feel. release the tension of your emotion- happy, sad, angry, excited- and then move forward, be present. when you hold onto those emotions, especially the negative, you are then allowing it to become you. you’re allowing it to define you. 

and even if people don’t understand. they call you sensitive or overly emotional... don’t let them stop you from feeling. feeling is what makes us human. it is a privilege to feel this earth and everything it has to give us. all the hurt all the love all the pleasure and pain.. these feelings don’t have to be dramatic either. let your heart feel the stillness on a warm day or the tingles of a chilly breeze. appreciate those moments. appreciate everything you feel. allow your soul feel everything. 

things have just not been right.. its like i didn’t know this man anymore. its like i didn’t feel our spark there at all.. kind of like a rut. its hard to explain but it wasn’t the love we had always held. 

this past weekend was our breaking point. it exploded. we blew up. but it feels good. its a relief almost. its like all the hurt i felt and that still lingers was what we needed to heal. 

call me naive but sometimes i feel like when you are trying so hard to fix something and its not going anywhere the bend has to just break in order to pick up the pieces and begin again. together. maybe i am too forgiving, maybe this will bring us back to each other. the terrifying truth in that is only time will tell and for now we just have to trust the road back to us is the right direction. we are only human. we are not perfect beings. we make mistakes. every deserves to prove they are willing to correct those mistakes. its almost like we caught it before it turned into ‘not knowing what we have until its gone’ 

How is it that the one who betrays your heart and the only one that can heal it. Are the same person.

if you feel like you are stuck, or if you feel you are drowning like you just cannot get out of this downward mindset but you are not fighting to get out of the trenches then maybe you deserve to be there until you sink to the bottom and it forces you to crawl your way out. I don’t have sympathy for people who are constantly begging for others to fix them and make their lives better but refuse to do anything on their own. there are millions of different things you can do to lift yourself up. you just have to find what works for you. 

for me - its meditation. it brings me right back into myself and centers all the negativity out of my bubble. my afflicted friend uses yoga to clear his center. another friend takes her butt to the temple and lastly another girlfriend with an autoimmune disease turns to juicing. what i am saying is.. you have to find what fuels your fire and gas it up. yes, generally speaking it usually involves a higher power of some kind.. and sometimes it just about getting healthy. 

im just sick of always forcing myself to sympathize with people when they aren’t doing anything to better themselves. if you have a mental illness but you’re just sitting in it, that doesnt solve anything. thats fueling the illness. its like saying you wont go to chemo because it makes you feel shitty even though it can give you a fighting chance against the cancer.. you need to fight like hell for yourself to be healthy. 

fight like hell and change your mindset and stop dragging your loved ones under into an abyss of sadness. only you can decide what is best for you. only you an choose happiness. i know its esier said then done but buy the book talk to someone get a hobby find whatever it is that fixes you. you deserve to be happy and you deserve a good life. for the love of god FIGHT LIKE HELL FOR YOURSELF. you owe yourself that much. 

I’m fucking OVER friends who aren’t understanding of the fact that I’m busy. I work two ducking jobs, I’m in school for my fucking masters and I just bought a fucking fixer upper. I also have a fuck ton of animals that I have to take care of — which I highly pride myself and my partner for giving them the absolute top notch fucking care.. I also go to the gym for 1-2 hours 5-6 times a fucking week bc I’m in the best shape of my life and I’m gonna keep that fucking going. It feelings fucking fantastic. Call it chore or call it a hobby bc I enjoy the fuck out of it.