Madame la Solitude

I'm trying to forgive myself, everything still hurts. I'm not gonna be dramatic, it's not a constant pain... I'm actually doing pretty well. It's just too much to let go: disappointments, being called a slut, orphan and whatnot from the person you've loved the most..., being mistreated, being used, carrying a guilt that should actually be shared, dealing with thinking that I'm not the monster just because I was the last to screw up even after 6 years of being lied to, being left out, avoiding me, disappearing when I needed him most. Yet I am hard on myself only, because I unleashed the one havoc no one should. So I hide from society like a dirty rat that is afraid is gonna be haunted.

I keep blaming myself and I will always and that is a heavy burden. I need to escape this place. I long for your face and I can never speak anything but good things about you. You said I never wanted you because I "didn't like you". I wasn't the one who would ditch me out of plans for 6 years until you felt alone and wanted me to fill the void... That's when you were ready to take me in, that's when I was too tired to try it your way again.