MenACE.

i carry the weight of loving you around with me every day and sometimes it’s in my chest and sometimes it’s in my stomach but today i can feel you in both places and it’s heavier than the weight i’ve grown accustomed to

i lost all my softness when i lost you, i’m not sure where it all went. maybe i realized being gentle only leaves you open to hurt. maybe it all left with you. maybe it’s somewhere under my ribcage, the only place where i can hold you now.

i try not to talk about you anymore but sometimes you’re all i bring up. something will remind me of you or a memory will surface and i will slip your name out. tonight i had dinner with a friend and i mentioned a memory of us together, happy. and once i realized i said your name i looked up and i could see the look of sadness on my friends face. the look of “i know you’re hurting and i wish i could fix it” the look of “there’s nothing I can say to get her to love you back” the look of “you’ll have to let it all go someday” but today’s not the day and tomorrow won’t be either. so she smiled a shy smile and left it at that.

i should tell you there’s a spot for you in my bed next to me. the pillows don’t move and the spots always cold. sometimes when i can’t sleep i talk to you as if you can hear me wherever you are. and i try to get angry about the things you said and the things you’ve done but by then i remember the ways i’ve loved you and the only thing i’m angry about is the ache in my belly that hasn’t stopped since you left.

i think sometimes all you can do is say “i miss you” into the ceiling until you can’t say it anymore. whisper their name in your dreams. keep the present you got them a year ago under your pillow. let your heart swell until morning.

i want to look you in the eyes while you ask me what i’ve learned this year and i’d tell you that unrequited love would have been better than you not being here at all. i guess you could say in the end my cowardice got the best of me and now i can only love you from afar.