jive you alive

He’s such a jackass. I have barely spoken to him in over a week. He tries to flip the tables, walks around pouting, sulking, going from angry to victim, never to apologetic, or even curious as to why I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. 

Then this morning, in a state of anger, he pulls his flannel button-up over his head, the one I got him for Christmas, and  he loves it because it’s warm, and he works outside. I’m facing away from him, when out nowhere, a button flies off and hits me in the head. “Shit.” he says. Hysterical laughter ensues.

I saw him for the first time in 3 years. No words were exchanged for at least 20 seconds- an eternity in a meeting like this. 

"How are you?" I say, finally. "Good." More long seconds pass, "How are you?" "Oh good." I begin to say with an awkward laugh (my trademark move), but before I can trail off, he says words that continue to echo throughout me... "Still pretty." and he stares for another long second, and turns away. 

Too much has happened since I knew him last, yet with two words, he makes his way back into my head again. He walks away because he knows what he has just done. If either of us says another word, it's ruined. It'd be like watching ripples in a puddle, and someone walking by carelessly steps in it, disrupting your moment.

At what appears to be my parents' house from the look of the backyard), I am sitting inside with my mom and sisters, waiting on something.

I have a date with a childhood crush today (Undisclosed- initials EH).

He arrives and we are hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend. I am playing the "check me out now" card. He isn't seeming to be impressed, but I can't stop; I can't remember how I must have acted when he knew me 10 years ago. 

At one point I am lying in the grass. He sees me, smiles, runs to me and leans over and kisses me. I am elated.

My other sister and her boyfriend arrive. My sister's boyfriends and my dad go outside to work on erecting what appears to be large wall, in memory or honor of something- I am vaguely recalling a 10 year anniversary of something. I am also a little angry at EH for not offering to help, but I let it go.

I also remember my friend, BL, was planning to come by. I start to worry that EH will think I have a crush on BL and hope they don't meet. 

I go back inside to find my crush and my sister sitting on a bed. She is reading him a letter, that I think she must have written, about her own life. I feel jealous, but realize it was a letter he had actually written. He sees me and says he has to get going. I feel like I have disappointed him. 

As I walk him out to say goodbye, I notice BL arriving. He smiles at me. I smile back and hope EH doesn't notice. BL begins helping my dad and my sisters' boyfriends with the construction of said wall. As EH is walking to his car, I find myself staring toward the guys working and see that my cat over there. Everyone is yelling at her to get out of the way, while they don't actually seem to mind her being there. She is a funny little cat. I think about how sweet and funny she is and find that I'm smiling and staring at her. I see EH notice, and hope he doesn't think that I am smiling like that at the sight of BL. I wave goodbye to EH; he leaves.

I talk to my sister about the letter. He had explained to my her that he brought the letter for me to read, because he remembers how in touch with my emotions I had once been, and that I was a really great writer. He thought it might impress me, but my attitude toward him had made him feel unsure about letting me read it. I feel like an asshole. 

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I chose life in my love, not the love of my life, As it turns out, I couldn't have both.

Turn it up  I know this song, A beat that easy goes on and on. You played it once, I shut my eyes. Twice was just a compromise of friendship... Still I'm the captain of this ship, Even overboard  I keep my wit.  Cast away, sent astray Like I would love to see The words you say. 

I'm writing to you Do you know what you need to do? I could ask, or you could tell me either way.... Let this be another of your many clues

"And you, you bring me to my knees again"

How do you always know what I'm thinking. I had one song stuck in my head last night and the second I walk in from the rain, I see you, sitting there with your guitar, playing it like I had asked you to, yet I hadn't said a word. When we were sitting on the beach, I heard you say something to me..... how did you know to say it? I wasn't even looking at you. Then you did look at me, the very second I asked you to, yet I still hadn't said a word. 

You have been doing this to me since the day the sun shone on you in my dark, little world.

As much as I need it, I can't handle it. I am so sorry, I never meant for it to be this way. You gave me instant butterflies, and my fear was a net which trapped them and stole them away.  

I said to you from the beginning, the night you lit my heart cigarette red, that 'I won't be inside your head.'

"I Like the Way This is Goin" - The Eels

Rainy Day Recipe for a Smile Rainy Day 1 Pot Coffee 1 Pen/Pencil (Color optional) Journal/Blog Endless Supply of Music (Genre optional) ** Open a window or sit on your porch Turn on endless music of your choice pour the coffee into a cup smell it once or twice, then drink up lose yourself while listening to the rain writing thoughts as they enter your brain