im so glad the response meant something to you and was able to convey the words that many people should have said way before i did. but better late than never, you know? im just glad i could help even a tiny bit.
i also feel sad but comforted when someone else has gone through the same or even remotely similar situations. i want people to understand so badly - i wish i could show them even for just a second how i feel so they could understand the weight we carry every day. but unfortunately, most people don't experience things like we did and it isn't even something they could fathom happening, so it's not a thought that exists in their minds. and even if they are aware that those things happen in the world - they either choose to pretend it doesn't exist for their own comfortability (which leads to us being discarded as a result since we're a living reminder of something they can't handle acknowledging) or they still won't understand. not always because they don't want to (which does happen) but because of the fact that people can't imagine an experience like that if they've never lived it. so they make assumptions based on their world view which is, let's say, a lot more "sunshine and rainbows" than ours lmao. so they often don't even know what to say, how to help, or how to even relate to you because it's not something they CAN understand. not fully, no matter how much they try.
even people who were to live our exact experiences would never know exactly how we feel because it affects everyone so differently and how we conceptualize the world around us and internalize that abuse is so different from person to person. because of there being so much misunderstanding, i spend time trying to educate others (my sibling, friends/online friends, and my providers) on the basics of trauma or how my persective has been shaped by it without divulging much information at all. it's amazing to think of the fact that there's so much to be said about trauma's effects that doesn't even disclose the details of the trauma itself. the emotional weight alone has a big impact on us and others, and it's a bridge between us and them. because feelings are something they can relate to and even just understanding the effects it had on you or anyone else can completely reshape someone's view and understanding of trauma.
all that to say, i hate not having many people to relate to on it, but im also happy about that being the case because the less people experiencing this the better. and it really does feel lonely when no one understands you and everyone casts judgment while unwilling to hear from the horse's mouth itself. but finding people like us whether online or not shows us that there ARE people out there like us.
it does hurt. mourning all of the things you've never had, watching or hearing about everyone else getting those experiences and being allowed to be a kid. it's not that we want them to suffer all the same or are envious, but we just recognize the unfairness of it all and wish we (or anyone else for that matter) didn't have to suffer through those terrible things either. because it IS unfair. no one should have to go through that. you missed out, i missed out, people like us all missed out. and it sucks. but i love kids and i love seeing them happy and being a part of those experiences for them that i never got to have, knowing that im helping them get the happiness and care we should have gotten as kids, that every kid should get. and you get to experience some of those things too, but later. things people get from their birth families that we have to get from our chosen family. and while it hurts it can also feel nice to try and just let go and live those parts of your childhood you were never allowed to explore or imagine or even knew could exist. it feels good to know the people you choose as family and have these experiences with truly care for you like you deserve. to feel connection and accept care that we didn't know we needed. it will never be the same for us as it is/was for them but as much as we hate it, it's unfortunately just the cards we were dealt and we have to provide for ourselves in ways that parents should provide for their kids. but we can at least try to make the most of it that we can. that trauma led to me having a profound ability to empathize with others and it seems you have that too. we would never want anyone we love, care about or know to suffer in the ways we have.
please remember that at the end of the day, the only person to blame for someone's abuse is the abuser themselves. at the end of the day, you can't make them stop and only they can choose to abuse you or not. if it were up to you, they'd be loving, caring and supportive parents and you'd all be happy. i know you've imagined it many times, how great that would be. so clearly you are not at fault for the abuse - and that goes for the chance you had to escape at 17 as well. one thing i have to remind myself of often is that at 17 you are still a kid. even at 18, everyone has just become an adult and hasn't learned half of what there is to learn about living life. and that's them learning about normal things. so how could we expect ourselves to know more as kids, let alone about something as painful and confusing as abuse? and then escaping the abuse on top of it? as hard as i know it is, please give yourself grace - the same grace you'd give to anyone else in your situation.
especially knowing the paralyzing fear of the unknown - what would escape even look like? what do i do when i get out of here? what if they find me and bring me back and it's worse? these are all fears and thoughts that are normal for abuse victims because that fear was engrained in you to prevent you from leaving. it prevents adults from leaving all the time, let alone a teenager who has no idea if the world is just as cruel or maybe even crueler than her own parents because that's all the people who were supposed to teach them about the world were - cruel.
and even without considering the fear, just remember that you did your best with what you had and what you knew at that time. hindsight is 20/20 but we don't know something until we know lol. and by the sounds of it they keep a close eye on you so i'd understand why a teen or even an adult would be scared to leave if they feel they could be caught. so give yourself grace please.
i know they want you to believe otherwise but you're just as human as the rest of us and deserve nothing but the best for being a good person on top of it all. we've seen the worst from people and still somehow care about others, even to the point of having to emotionally numb if you can't handle the overwhelming care and concern you feel. we still choose to be good and help others and make sure no one we care about will ever feel the way we did. instead of repeating the cycle, we ended it. we could've been just like them and taken that pain and used it against other innocent people but we're better, we're different and we're stronger for it even if it doesn't always feel that way.
and if they won't show up for you, and no one else does either, then who will show you the love and grace you deserve other than yourself?
and when you do get out, hopefully soon, you'll have the freedom to protect yourself in the ways your mother never did. and to avoid people who are violent and abusive like your father. and eventually you'll find people who care about and love you as well who will want to protect you too. not just online but IRL too. and you'll be free to visit places like that garden which sounds so beautiful and majestic. it sounds heavenly. im also glad you got to go there. and yes, you can never get those lost years back but the sooner the better and the rest of the years you spend free will be spent in whatever way you choose.
i cant wait for the day that you're free to explore as many gardens and forests as you want 🌿🌹, live in your own home and have as many animals as you want, go out whenever you want without fear of being caged again, and feeling joy, longing for your return home at the end of the day instead of dread and sadness. 🌺
also, never feel sorry for sharing your story with people who asked you to! you are not trauma dumping. this is your blog for your thoughts anyway, so you're free to "trauma dump" on it as much as you'd like lol! and anyone who doesn't like it can just go to another blog.
please take care of yourself xx we can do this 🤍🩷🌸 please don't give up.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that… It truly touched me more than I can say. Because of everything I’ve been through, both my past and, sadly, my present. I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve to be heard or given attention, especially when it comes to my problems. Even just receiving attention in general has always felt undeserved
When you grow up with no one listening to you, whether you were talking about the horrible things happening at home, problems at school or just anything at all.. you eventually get used to the idea that no one will ever really listen or take you seriously. Sometimes they even paint you as the villain in the story even though you were only a child… a victim of your environment. Everyone around me labelled me as “the rebellious girl” or “the bad child” whenever I stopped obeying or got angry. But they only saw the moments when I finally broke down after being pushed beyond my limits. They never saw everything that led up to it. So they had this completely distorted image of me
Maybe one day I’ll write about the time I felt like the most misunderstood person in the world… maybe even for the rest of my life
Sometimes I wonder if some people were just ignorant and manipulated by my abusers. My mind still feels so foggy about certain things. The abuse really messed with my head.. There are moments when I question whether they even realized how much harm they were causing… but I think that’s often just denial. Because I remember begging them to stop, completely broken. It’s hard to accept that the people who were supposed to love and protect you the most could treat you like a punching bag. Lately I keep asking myself… why? Why did they do this to me? Was there a reason, or was it pure sadism? I know some questions may never have real answers…
I completely agree with what you said about the injustice of watching other children live “normal” lives and simply be allowed to be kids. For me it was never really pure jealousy, more like a quiet, aching question : “Why them and not us? Why not me?” It is unfair… but at the same time i’m genuinely happy when I see other children safe and loved. I would never wish what we went through on anyone
No one can ever fully understand exactly how it feels unless they’ve lived it. Even if our experiences are similar, they’re never 100% the same and we all react and feel things differently. But even without knowing every detail, we trauma survivors can still hold space for each other and truly understand how deep the pain goes. Since I was little, I knew I wasn’t the only one going through this, but I never saw it in real life, mostly just stories online. And when the only proof you have is on the internet, it can feel incredibly isolating.. You start believing you’re completely alone in the world. But since I’ve started writing on Tumblr, I’ve realized more and more that I’m not alone. And like you said, there’s something so comforting about that. It makes me feel seen. At the same time, it breaks my heart knowing others are still going through it or have gone through it
you’re right :^) I think the abuse gave me a very deep capacity for empathy. I’ve always been an empathetic person by nature but the trauma has amplified it so much. It’s done the same with many of my traits. I’ve always been quite shy and introverted, and the isolation definitely made that even stronger. Sometimes it feels strange… I don’t always know who I really am. I wonder which parts of me are natural and which ones were created or intensified by what I went through. I don’t know if that makes sense…
Like you I love children so much, I would do anything to protect them from the kind of hell I lived through, to let them enjoy their childhood fully and feel safe. I feel like we have so many things in common and it’s incredibly comforting 💕 You seem like such a beautiful soul and it pains me deeply that you had to go through all of that too. No child deserves to grow up wondering what’s wrong with them and why they’re not loved the way other children are
I’ve always dreamed of finding my real family, my chosen family. For a long time I thought this would be what would finally heal me… but given my current situation, I’ve started to lose hope that it will ever happen. If it were only my parents, I think I would have left a long time ago. I would’ve rather lived on the street for a while than stay another day. But my situation is much more complicated than that, so the hope of freedom feels like it slipped away long ago… even though I still try to make the best of the little moments I can
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for writing all of that. It means the world to feel heard and understood. I’m so sorry you had to live through it too. You seem like such a gentle soul, and it breaks my heart. I really hope life is kinder to you now and gives you room to breathe after everything you’ve endured and if it isn’t yet, I truly believe it will be soon 🤍
Please take care of yourself beautiful soul
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