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pretty good thank u for asking ! I just did my driving theory exam, i’m waiting for the results rn and now I’m playing with Bolt ^^

anyway picking back up, like i said yesterday, i've been depressive since i was really young and hmm.. i don't really know how to explain it but there were periods that were worse than others and it was usually because a lot of hard stuff was happening and the family situation was even worse than usual, even though it was already a disaster lol + i had problems at school too and uhh i'd say i never really felt comfortable anywhere, except when i was alone or with animals, but anyway i'm rambling.. so during the worst periods i could barely get out of bed, i'd spend hours in the shower pouring boiling hot water on myself, i could take 3 showers in a row in the same day.. i know it's a lot lol and it's a bad habit i've had since i was little, even since like age 10 or maybe younger but i only remember bits of certain periods but uhh i couldn't help it, it was stronger than me and i feel like i've always done it unconsciously to deal with too much stress, when i was stressed about what was going on around me, i'd run to the shower and spend hours with boiling water running down my skin and hmm.. i might sound weird like usual but i think i have a theory! hot water was like a reassuring cocoon wrapping around me, like a mother's or father's arms wrapping around a child to calm them down, anyway i think unconsciously i've been looking for the warmth of someone's arms by any means necessary to deal with my problems hmm i know it's a weird theory but i keep feeling more and more like that's the explanation :] i think i'm a bit weird.. but anyway, i also used to lose a lot of appetite with the depression and since i was already naturally really thin well uhh sometimes i'd be way underweight.. anyway depression can sometimes stop you from eating and even from doing anything at all and hmm these last few months i've been really stressed because my environment scared me and a bunch of other stuff and i was scared of the future and of time passing and i felt like i was doomed and like there was no way out anymore and i think i've never been so hopeless in my whole life, though i've lost count of how many times i've felt hopeless but anyway that period was truly horrible, i stayed locked away in bed and stopped taking care of myself and i was barely eating, crying a lot and screaming a lot and there were several times i wanted to end it..

so yeah i was at rock bottom but for a little over a month now i'd say, i've been doing better, even though given the circumstances i know i'll never really be happy because i'll never really be free, that's already something

they had to force me to start eating again because at my lowest point, my physical and mental state was so worrying that i had to see a doctor and he ran all kinds of tests and while weighing me and taking my blood pressure he saw i was underweight and had really low blood pressure so i started taking medication the doctor prescribed me and they started forcing me to eat and little by little i got my health and weight back so now they keep making me finish my plate when i'm not alone and hmm.. also when i was doing bad i rarely left my room and now i'm starting to go outside again, walk around, even more since Bolt arrived <3 anyway i'm starting to feel better even though i've made peace with the fact that i won't ever really be happy

I don't really know where to start, OH wait yes I do!! so normally on Saturday morning I'm taking the theory exam for my driver's license, idk if it's the same in other countries but in France it's multiple choice, there's 40 questions and you need at least 35/40.. so I really hope I pass and imagine if I got 40/40!!!! :o okay I think I'm dreaming a little there but why not lol.. oki okii.. I admit I dream a lot, anyway so these last few days I've just been studying nonstop and ugh it's so boring but I don't have a choice, I watch lessons on YouTube and do a ton of practice sets on two different apps and hmm I'm slowly starting to feel more comfortable with it but the thing I still haven't really learned is all the annoying stuff like calculating braking distance, stopping distance, or the distance traveled during reaction time and blablabla -_-" Oh also fines and alcohol limits and AHHHH.. okay. basically there's a ton of annoying stuff to memorize but no pain no gain right?? anyway so right now I'm spending my days studying and speaking of that, sorry if I'm slow to answer asks or dms, it's just that I'm trying to stay focused on my studying right now!!! so yup! I really can't wait for Saturday but at the same time I'm stressing about getting hard questions on exam day :(

oki oki let's stay positive, let's act like it's a given that I'll pass my test (lol feels like I'm manifesting) well not IF I pass, WHEN I pass, so when I pass I wanna start driving lessons asap because I really want my license and I already imagine visiting so many pretty places with my little bolt by my side <3 speaking of him, he's an adorable little dog and I feel like he's already grown so much :') I think I need to buy him a lot of natural chews and more toys, he still tends to nibble on arms and ankles but I think it's from lack of chewing but since he's still a puppy it's not too alarming yet, other than that he's very sociable, he loves playing with the kids in the street, actually pretty soon I'd like to bring him to training classes mostly so he can see a lot of other dogs because he needs to see other dogs (like all dogs do lol) but first I need to get his vaccine booster done!! anyway I love him so so much hehehe

okay so let's move on to a less cute topic lol

I've been diagnosed with depression since I was really young, so it's been like since I was 11/12 that I've been stuck with severe depression and uhh there were periods where it got really bad and I could only get out of bed very rarely.. and.. oh man I remember the time when I still lived at my grandma's, I was between 15 and 17, it got so hard that I basically stopped moving from my bed and I'd eat in my bed and ughh sometimes there were crumbs all over my bed and I'd still sleep in those sheets lol not cool I know.. but I was doing really badly at that time, it wasn't a lack of hygiene, it was distress and actually I wanted to take this chance to say that if someone reads this one day and is in a similar situation, you shouldn't be ashamed and if people make fun of you or don't understand your situation or simply don't want to, they don't deserve you. struggling to take care of yourself even with basic things when you're depressed, that's normal, and anyone can be affected by it and there's no shame in that, quite the opposite <3 you should be proud of every little step forward you take, no matter how small it seems because that's how you build a big beautiful castle, just by laying one small brick each day, at first it looks like nothing's moving but the more days go by the more the pretty castle takes shape :) so think of your small efforts and small wins as one little brick and be patient because sooner or later you too will have your own beautiful little castle ^-^

anyway I wanted to say a lot more but this is already way too long wow.. so I think I'll say the rest before I go to bed, I don't really think anyone read this far but if you did, wow wow haha