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pretty good thank u for asking ! I just did my driving theory exam, i’m waiting for the results rn and now I’m playing with Bolt ^^

anyway picking back up, like i said yesterday, i've been depressive since i was really young and hmm.. i don't really know how to explain it but there were periods that were worse than others and it was usually because a lot of hard stuff was happening and the family situation was even worse than usual, even though it was already a disaster lol + i had problems at school too and uhh i'd say i never really felt comfortable anywhere, except when i was alone or with animals, but anyway i'm rambling.. so during the worst periods i could barely get out of bed, i'd spend hours in the shower pouring boiling hot water on myself, i could take 3 showers in a row in the same day.. i know it's a lot lol and it's a bad habit i've had since i was little, even since like age 10 or maybe younger but i only remember bits of certain periods but uhh i couldn't help it, it was stronger than me and i feel like i've always done it unconsciously to deal with too much stress, when i was stressed about what was going on around me, i'd run to the shower and spend hours with boiling water running down my skin and hmm.. i might sound weird like usual but i think i have a theory! hot water was like a reassuring cocoon wrapping around me, like a mother's or father's arms wrapping around a child to calm them down, anyway i think unconsciously i've been looking for the warmth of someone's arms by any means necessary to deal with my problems hmm i know it's a weird theory but i keep feeling more and more like that's the explanation :] i think i'm a bit weird.. but anyway, i also used to lose a lot of appetite with the depression and since i was already naturally really thin well uhh sometimes i'd be way underweight.. anyway depression can sometimes stop you from eating and even from doing anything at all and hmm these last few months i've been really stressed because my environment scared me and a bunch of other stuff and i was scared of the future and of time passing and i felt like i was doomed and like there was no way out anymore and i think i've never been so hopeless in my whole life, though i've lost count of how many times i've felt hopeless but anyway that period was truly horrible, i stayed locked away in bed and stopped taking care of myself and i was barely eating, crying a lot and screaming a lot and there were several times i wanted to end it..

so yeah i was at rock bottom but for a little over a month now i'd say, i've been doing better, even though given the circumstances i know i'll never really be happy because i'll never really be free, that's already something

they had to force me to start eating again because at my lowest point, my physical and mental state was so worrying that i had to see a doctor and he ran all kinds of tests and while weighing me and taking my blood pressure he saw i was underweight and had really low blood pressure so i started taking medication the doctor prescribed me and they started forcing me to eat and little by little i got my health and weight back so now they keep making me finish my plate when i'm not alone and hmm.. also when i was doing bad i rarely left my room and now i'm starting to go outside again, walk around, even more since Bolt arrived <3 anyway i'm starting to feel better even though i've made peace with the fact that i won't ever really be happy