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Honestly, I can’t take it anymore with my life. I’m so tired of life and every day I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this, why everything is turning out like this in my life, which isn’t even a life anymore. In fact, I feel like my life hasn’t belonged to me for years. I can’t stand being in a controlling environment that prevents me from being myself. Every time I find something that soothes me and helps me feel a bit happier in my misery, they take it away from me. Everyone around me abuses me, controls me, and it’s killing me inside because I think about the time passing and I watch others having fun with their friends, their family, and being free and I would give anything to be like them. I end up envying everything that every basic human naturally has the right to. As if all the trauma I’ve had since childhood because of my shitty parents and school and just my entire life wasn’t already enough. I already have a huge history of trauma and now I needed to finally heal from it. I don’t like the word “heal” because for me, once you reach certain stages, our traumas are so intense and have lasted so long that unfortunately we can’t fully heal. But after all that, I at least needed a gentle and loving environment so I could feel safe for once in my life and so they would finally let me know what freedom is

When I was still with my father or my mother, they forbade me from going out in my village, playing with other children, or even being alone. I only had the right to go out in my garden and in the forest near my house. I wasn’t allowed to have any friends. Because of them I’ve always been isolated, and now that I’m an adult I’ve fallen in with abusers who also control my entire life. It’s as if it was already written for me that I would only know suffering and that happiness is just a distant concept for me

I can’t go out when I want, where I want. But I want to go out in the evening, walk around and look at the stars, and maybe even sleep under the stars. I’ve lost hope and the desire to have friends in real life, so now I would love so much to be able to, on a whim, go out and walk alone. Oh, I love the night so much… it soothes me and everything is so calm and mysterious at night. But now that I’m with a whole bunch of abusers around me, even such simple things are forbidden to me. And I see time passing and everything I’m losing. It’s so unfair, I can’t take it anymore. They even prevent me from dressing the way I want. That’s exactly one of the rare things that helps me feel a bit happier in my unhappiness… When I go out I can’t wear what I want. It breaks my heart and anyway they threw away all my favorite clothes, my jewelry, and shoes in the trash. And it took me years to buy all that and it’s so unfair. I got angry about it again today and they tore up another dress of mine. There you go… I’m so fed up. Same with Tumblr, that was the second rare thing that helped me be happy because I’m so attached to the people here. You are all so wonderful and my blog was like a safe place for me, where I could pour out everything I feel without shame. Everything was fine until one of my abusers got access to literally everything about me on the internet, including my Tumblr. Now even on the internet I have no privacy anymore. What was my little secret place for me is no longer one. I’m scared to talk privately and make new friends because of my situation and the control around me. It’s so insane that I wonder if I’m not hallucinating and if I’m not just in a nightmare. Unfortunately I’d love that so much, it would suit me so well if it was all just a nightmare and one day I’d wake up. Unfortunately EVERYTHING IS REAL… and I wonder how such a horrible thing can happen..

My father was a fucking abuser who made me live through physical and psychological hell. My mother never defended me or even paid attention to me and only repeated how worthless I am and what a bad person I am. No one believed me when I talked about the abuse I suffered. They called me a liar. When I break down from everything they’re doing to me they call me crazy, they gaslight me and make me out to be the villain and I can’t take it anymore. OHH and, if I told you what happened a few months ago…

I was at my worst and I had big dark ideas and at that time I was sleeping at my grandmother’s. My mother had taken a break from her job (but as usual she never comes to see me and spend time with me but always to break me even more psychologically…) Since at that moment I had horrible dark ideas (I was at the end of my rope with all the abuse, whether physical or psychological that I was experiencing…) you can guess that one more remark could potentially have made me snap. So this thing happened and I snapped. I got angry and kicked the wardrobe and my mother called me crazy and all that kind of stuff. Then to calm down I wanted to walk alone outside (she forbade me, saying I wouldn’t go out at that hour). I lost it even more (I’m fucking adult, if I want to go out at that hour to calm down I have the right, I’m literally in my twenties). So I got even angrier and I went out anyway. I walked alone on the country paths bordering my grandparents’ house. I was thinking about my shitty life, how I couldn’t take it anymore, how tired and exhausted I was by it, how all I needed at that moment was a hug and the warm arms of someone ,something I’ve never known. how my whole life was ruined and how everyone was so unfair to me when I hadn’t asked for anything. I had even more suicidal ideas. I was walking on the path that leads to the abandoned manor and I could already see myself taking a hunting rifle and shooting myself in the head so all my nightmare would be over… exactly like my stepfather (my half-brother’s father) did. Let me explain: before I was born my mother had my older brother (who is 7 years older than me) with this man. They ended up separating because this man had quite serious alcohol and drug problems. Anyway, he was a drug addict, but they separated on good terms. Despite his addiction problems I think he never hurt my mother. I think they separated because she couldn’t handle the situation anymore. I didn’t really talk about this subject with my mother… And so they stayed on very good terms. I remember when I was little he would come see me for my birthday, where my real father didn’t give a damn about me. He gave me gifts, pretty birthday cards, he gave me nicknames, he often asked my mother for news about me. Sometimes we would visit him and as I grew up I saw him less often and in 2022 he killed himself with a bullet to the head. Sometimes I regret not going to visit him when I was older, like I used to do much younger. He was really a good person. He also played guitar!! Anyway, let’s get back… I was walking on the path leading to the manor and I had these crushing dark thoughts. I told myself I was going to snap and end up doing like my stepfather did… or I would hang myself in this manor. Sorry for being so raw but yes, I’m tired of life, so so so tired. But as I was walking it was night and it was very scary (imagine country roads leading to an old abandoned manor, a farm and fields along the path, (it immediately feels like a horror movie lol…). But my life is so miserable and horrific that I preferred to walk this horrible path and go sleep in this old manor rather than go back to my grandparents’ and get yet another remark or be called crazy or bad or whatever. Except at one point I heard a very creepy noise and my survival instinct kicked in I think and I screamed and sprinted back to the house