I've gotten used to the reality that I'm a catalyst for creating relationships between other people. I draw people towards me, we become friends, or something like that, and through me, they meet other people and form bonds. And then, once everyone has bonded and settled into a nice group together, I exit their lives to start the cycle anew with the next group of people. This has always been who I am, but I never really caught onto that until a few years ago.
And, as of recently, due to long standing and continual issues throughout 2024 and even part of 2023, another door is now closed and I have removed one more person from my life. This time though, I was not the catalyst involved in bringing this person into the group and introducing them to others. Instead, we happened to meet in a group that we were both part of, and being newer members with somewhat similar interests and personalities, we were able to mesh well together. However, I am always wary when someone is quick to label me as a friend, and even moreso when people are quick to spend money on me. Nonetheless, I am not innocent. That person was willing to give, and this time, I allowed myself to take. I was never ungrateful for the gifts I received from that person. Even now, at present, one of the gifts they gave me is still a daily part of my life. But, I was never able to do much in return for them due to being unemployed and having health struggles, so perhaps they felt like my gratitude wasn't enough. Still, I was a naive idiot and I trusted that person, which I regret. This is not the first time I have regretted trusting someone or showing them my more vulnerable side.
Things started to get rocky around December of 2023, and we had butted heads a few times. However, we still managed to talk things through like adults, and I thought things went back to "normal". Unfortunately, that was a mistake on my part. Over time, I watched distance grow between us, and the person started saying one thing to my face while doing another behind my back. And, after having bad experiences with that prior from people I once looked up to, it made me uncertain about how they really saw me. But, I maintained hope. 2024 completely shattered that, though, and it hurt a lot throughout this year.
I held on to hope for a long time, and I gave them several chances against my better judgment, but after months of being ghosted and lied to when we finally did talk (which only happened after I complained about their behavior to one of our mutual friends), I had to finally accept that we were no longer friends, and likely hadn't been for a long time. They just didn't have the spine, or the balls, to tell me that themself, and it was easier for them to just pretend I didn't exist and make up sorry, pathetic excuses full of gaping holes when I finally had enough and called them out on it. The lies were so obvious, and to this day I still don't know whether they had deluded themself into thinking their excuses were sound, or whether they thought so poorly of me that they thought I was stupid enough not to notice. In either case, they were wrong, and each time it happened, it hurt more and more. So, a couple of days ago, I made it easy for them by being the one to cut ties.
I was supposed to receive a gift from them back in August of 2023, and now here we are, five days away from the year 2025 and I still have not received it nor any word on when, or even IF, I ever will. I've given up on it at this point, as they've proven themself wholly unreliable, not to mention just plain cowardly in the way they handle things. I can't deal with that. I am a communicative person, and I expect both parties to handle issues like the adults we are and talk things through when problems arise. But no, they can't communicate. And worse, they would rather stab me in the back, try to hide shit from me (which just makes them look even worse) and lie to my face than be honest with me.
I'm really disappointed, but this isn't the first time. I'm used to it by now, and even as I write this post I'm not really feeling any kind of emotion other than fatigue. We have one final matter remaining - a character we both co-own, and I'm not holding my breath waiting on a response from them about it because I find it unlikely that I'll receive one.
I know I am better than that, and I deserve better than that, and moving forward, I'm not going to let people refer to me as a friend so quickly or easily, nor will I refer to people as friends so quickly either. It's always been my greatest weakness, and it's hurt me more than enough times by now.
I'm tired of trying to make friends. I'm tired of trying to meet new people. I've made a lot of good, long-standing friends over the years and I'm extremely appreciative of that, but there comes a point where a bird just doesn't feel the need to expand their social circle anymore.
I think I've hit that point, but that's okay, isn't it? A small handful of genuine friends who respect me, and who love me for what I am, is better than 1000 acquaintances or s0-called "friends" who will abandon you the moment things get a little tough.
Mir is right. I'm too forgiving, and I give people too many second chances which only leads to me getting repeatedly burned. I need to stop being so forgiving.
Moving forward, I'm going to approach and handle people differently, and only give my true attention and affection to those who have earned it.
annaxmalina
prguitarman
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
areudirty
izzy806
