I cannot go on

-

She waited patiently, chewing a little slower on her food as she got sure to catch any kind of microexpression on the boy’s face regarding his picture. There wasn’t a but of happiness on his features as he seemed to study the picture and Alecto kept her eyes bright and green as if waiting for a huge revelation. She didn’t understand much the reason behind his reaction, but again, she didn’t really know him ( or anybody else aside of her mother for that matter ).

His sudden chain of words made her focus on her jerky again until it was done and she cleaned put the magazine page back into her pocket. Alecto had vague memories from her time in LA, but some of them including flashing signs and tv commercials that included the blond boy starring on them. His face was a constant throughout her years in that big city and even when she was dragged into confinement, she had managed to snatch this cutout from a magazine in the doctor’s office mostly because she NEEDED something… ANYTHING that could make her brain remember LA no matter how blurry the times seemed in the facility and Lux’s appearance was striking enough to tie her dying memories to a past life in which she thrived ( in some way ) with her mother.

A little smile managed to show up when he reassured her on not being annoying, thank the gods, one of the few compliments she had gotten from strangers throughout the years. She looked away sheepishly, knowing she hadn’t been too discreet around the male and that she was prone to run away upon eye contact, but tonight… tonight she had promised herself she would be BRAVE. “I am from LA as well”, she muttered, her voice gathering a little more clarity, “y— your face was everywhere back then”, Alecto remembered. Finding him in Roswell was a rollercoaster of emotions, like an odd game from destiny to knock at her memories and maybe Lux represented some kind of literal light of hope for her. The girl received the hamburger in a less aggressive way than the first bag and the smell of having something fresh in her hands cause her irises to briefly glow with a red shine, just for a couple of seconds as she took the first bite. “Alecto”, she introduced herself before taking another bite and then she made a pause as if a memory had hit again. “Are they chasing you too? Is that why you left LA?”

“You’re from LA?” he repeated, confused about how she managed to end up here, dirty and frayed and looking worse for wear. Comments about trafficking from his sister plagued his mind and he grew more concerned, eyes now focused on her outfit instead of her face like before. Perhaps she ran away from something horrifying, perhaps she was all alone, fending for herself when nights are dark and lonely. Was he a source of comfort for her? Rare as that may be, her explanation did seem to land on childhood nostalgia instead of fan fueled obsession.  But he did notice her eyes, changing from peppermint to ruby at a moment of fleeting glee at the sight of new, warm food. Lux’s interest peaked at the mention of a chase and, paired with the strangeness of her existence in such parts of Roswell, he silently wondered if she, too, was like him in a way.  “No, no one chasing me. I was sort of made to come here by my parents because I made a lot of mistakes and stuff.” He dug his heels deeper against the mulch and dragged it back, letting go so the swing could sway him forward. “It’s nice to meet you, Alecto. I’m Lux, in case you didn’t know my name and just my face.”  He even found a smile to offer, how nice. “Why are they chasing you?” Who’s they? How long have you been running? Why are you alone? How did you get here? One question at a time, he supposed-- until the burger was finished, anyway.

She sighed and shook her head, tired of the endless debate regarding Lux’s ability to defeat death. Neither one of them had proof, not really, but Becca had research on her side at least. The odds weren’t good, and she was tired of trying to justify why he should value his own life, his own safety. “Yes, I absolutely am. Your motivations don’t overshadow his, no matter how many times you tell me it’s for your own satisfaction too. That doesn’t change the fact that a lot of the men you like to spend time with are lowlifes, predators, and creeps. They see you, a pretty, young-looking man, and they get excited about that. Not just because you’re attractive, but because they’re sick individuals and they like their fun to be ‘barely legal’. I don’t understand why this doesn’t register with you.” She crossed her arms over her chest and huffed, a surefire sign Becca was getting irritated. “You’re proving me right, you know that, don’t you? Telling me you’ve been with worse only makes me more concerned. Do you know how many sex workers in general go missing at truck stops, how traffickers use freights to travel between states and countries? You’re one bad night away from becoming a true crime podcast episode, Lux, and that often keeps me awake at night. You just don’t fucking get it.” 

“And you seem to think I’m always some helpless little baby bunny ready to get snatched up and exploited when you know damn well I’ll damage a man, his ego, and whatever meat pole he’s working with just to teach him a lesson.” His select choice of words was made to annoy his sister and make her recoil, but his message rang true. For someone who was protected by his better, more capable sibling as a child, he really couldn’t blame her for ringing her own mental alarms at whatever stupid, dangerous shit he did when that’s all she’s known. He grew since then, took matters into his own hands (however dangerous that, in itself, may be) and became as cold as he hoped he wouldn’t be.  He finished shoving everything he owned into the suitcase and zipped it before crossing the room towards Becca. “You care about me,” He cooed, standing in front of her and placing his palms against her thin shoulders, “Soooooo much, more than anyone’s ever cared before. I know that. I’m safe.” His blue eyes turned to the wooden desk beneath her and watched as the surface of it slowly filled with tiny little grass sprouts, eager to break free from the wood material hidden beneath the laminated finish. They were soon joined with small daisies that gently outlined where his sister sat until the entire surface was decorated with life.  “See? No hands.” 

“I was going more for the haunted dolls of horror movie rules - you know, you go to throw them away but then they just show back up in your house, angrier than before?” Admittedly, those were her favorite kinds of horror movies, so she might have been a bit biased in their favor. But his question on how she’d feel about helping a murder doll had her blinking, back stiffening just a touch. “I’ve done worse things in my life.” But she certainly wasn’t going to elaborate on that. It would be bad news for everybody. The question had her face freezing - though the smile remained, there wasn’t as much movement in her face, a tenseness coming over her. “Sadness is kind of a vague term,” she said slowly. Really, she was some sort of sad every day. But instead of elaborating on that, she answered the first part of his question, crystal blue eyes blinking in his direction as she did. “Eight years ago.” It would forever be the worst day of her life - the day where she’d become only have of a person, but she didn’t like talking about that. “Why?”

“I’m pretty sure giving it away with malicious intent is different than throwing it away. One is more selfish-- I’ll take full pride in that though. Making other people’s lives harder and making my own easier is a personal calling card.” Not that he should be proud of it at all, but what can you expect from a boy who drains the world to fuel his own beauty?  The blonde inspected her expression before the corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a faint smile; so he hit a particular sore spot in her heart judging by how her mind seemed to zoom to one specific event. “It is a vague term,” Lux agreed, “You can really interpret it in many different ways, but you seem to have one in mind already. Five of cups is for significant loss, pain, challenges and hardships stemming from that. It’s mental drain, a focus on mourning and ache but not tearing yourself from it for whatever reason you have. Sounds familiar?” 

River started to laugh when the child decided to latch onto Lux, his disgusted expression only adding to the humor of the moment. “You’re such a natural. I almost couldn’t tell you were about to vomit on contact.” River wasn’t too keen on children themselves, but they weren’t the one actively entertaining the tiny crowd. All they had to do was simply step aside whenever chubby fingers dropped off a piece of candy or two so the golden skeleton could tell their future in the cards, an act Lux would surely be asked to do again at next year’s event.

“It’s not leftovers, it’s an offering. Though I think it’s funny you’d call that shit leftovers. That sounds like a rich person’s horror story about having to eat the same thing day after day. I promise you real leftovers aren’t that bad,” River teased, more amused laughter leaving their lips. “Some tiny person clearly thought it was the perfect thing to give you! But I mean, if you set the cash out for me to see, I’ll do it. I never back down from a good dare.” River’s finger tapped the bills they already placed on the table, giving Lux an expectant look. “Do I wanna know that story? You’re very surprising. I mean, your sister definitely embodies the ‘I’m better than you’ persona, but you? This is the third time you’ve mentioned having sex with or spending your time with some hairy, sleazy stranger just because he gives you attention. I couldn’t imagine Becca in one of those scenarios, but maybe I’m wrong and she’s just that good at keeping her reputation controlled. You’re more personable than she is – approachable. I mean, look at your setup here.” River took a step back and spread their arms out to demonstrate their point. “–You’re entertaining kids for free in exchange for whatever little candies they pull out of their pockets. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re actually pretty nice. And your sister? She may not exactly be my cup of tea, but she’s actually pretty funny. She reads like a fuckin’ pro. I think you two are really good actors, if you know what I mean. I think you two are probably pretty cool people.” 

“Yeah, I’ve stopped eating leftovers once I realized I had enough money to just buy more. Plus, I got food poisoning from drinking a two day old smoothie when I was on a cleanse so no fuckin’ thank you, I’m not ready to part ways with my intestinal lining just so I can win some dumb bet with you about a turkey leg. I don’t carry cash anymore, I’m not in the business of getting robbed, but I dunno how you can’t believe me when I’m so trustworthy.” But their compliment did come as a surprise and for the second time that night, Lux stared dumbfounded at someone while they did the unpredicted. At least this instance didn’t involve a hug and a smidgen of drool that got caught on his pant leg, but it still caused the blonde to narrow his eyes suspiciously. “You’ve got a real bad taste in people, River. I’m not nice, I’m bored-- those are totally different things. Plus, any other person would say swindling kids outta candy is a mean thing to do; do you have a moral deficit or something?” Lux rolled his eyes, scoffing, “Nice.. never heard that one before. You’ve met Rebecca too?” 

Giving a small shake of their head, Sugar pursed their lips as they considered the thought. “No. I mean, I don’t think so at least. I only find people beautiful if I’m attracted to them, so if they have a shitty personality, they just seem ugly to me, regardless of what their facial features look like.” They viewed the world in a very simple way - almost black and white, to some extent. Either they were attracted to someone or they weren’t, and a person’s beauty, to Sugar at least, was dictated by which category they fell into for them.  “D…efinitely not. The smell of that Mary Jane makes me sick.” And these days, it sort of felt like they were the only one in the world who felt that way, but they’d always been sensitive to certain scents, like flowers too. “I don’t know if I’d describe it as a happy high, but whatever floats your boat, dude.” Licking their lips quickly, Sugar set one of their hands on their hip, eyebrows furrowing together as they watched the male. “I don’t have a narrative.” They said it rather matter-of-factly, dark eyes watching the other carefully. “Plus, I’m a pessimist, so I’d probably just assume whatever it is that the card says would just mean something bad, if I did that. But like… I don’t have a plan. I’m just living my life, seeing what strikes my fancy. Don’t have a trajectory. So there’s really nothing specific to ask about. I could ask about my job, but frankly, it’s something that pays the bills, and that’s it, even if I enjoy it somewhat. I could ask about a love life, but that’s nonexistent, so it’s not like it has anything to comment on, you know? Unless it’s going to tell me someone is like on the horizon or something. So… I prefer to get the answer, and figure it out from there.” Reaching out, they plucked up a card without giving much of a consideration to which one they were picking - just simply grabbing the first one their eyes landed on, preferring to think that it was some sort of fate that led their hand if nothing else.

“Yeah, I can see the whole pessimist side. Most people are better at pleasantries than you are. Fake a couple of words, flash a smile, go talk shit behind my back when I’m not there-- but you’re great at disagreeing outright. I’d say it’s refreshing but I almost miss the two faced bitches I left in LA; it reminds me of home.”   But alas, they pulled out a single card and Lux extended his hand for it, turning it around so they can both admire the illustration. “Reverse Hermit,” he concluded, finally letting go of the card and allowing them to take it completely. “Seclusion. Still in search of something, really ambitious in trying to to figure that out, too, but maybe a bit isolated in thought or body or spirit. A bit trapped, too, if you want to interpret it that way, like you’re stuck and you can’t see which way is out-- or you put yourself there and you’re scared to to go towards the path you know will take you away. Sound relevant in any portion of your life, Sugar?”

“At least you’re not eviscerating me for no real reason; though to be honest, it barely phases me anymore.”  He shrugged.  “I just like you more.”  He watched Lux fan out the cards as he rummaged around in his pockets some more.  “My costume doesn’t really have extra room for much else.  What kind of question?  Like, about my future?”

“She usually has a reason, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because you smoke with me.” He tilted his head and watched the other, lips pursed, “Question about the future, whether you’ll grow out a full beard, what the weather’s like tomorrow-- whatever you damn well please, it’s all up to you. Broad or general, whatever you’d like.” 

"You’re so fuckin’ funny because this list is nice and long and will most likely change depending on my taste that day: -Cade: I likes me a man who doesn’t know how to smile -Gunner: See them guns (haha)? I’ve dated an athlete before; they don’t need to know how to do math to fuck well tbh -Musarra: (As if I know him well at all, I’ve heard his name BREATHED my way) but one word: christalfuckingmighty -Oliver: He looks like the type who’s ‘fun time’ includes a library, doesn’t he? I don’t mind, we’ll give the dictionaries something to whisper about when they’re sentient -Paulie: Am I allowed to be intimidated and turned on? I’ve only felt this way when I got shoved onto a balcony ‘cause my hookup’s wife came home (at this point I was going to apologize for how fucking extensive this list is but then I thought no, why apologize when it’s a compliment? Hang on, we’re almost there) -Marshall: He’s got doe eyes and works at the theater. I’m pretty sure I can score me an empty threater and a bruise on my spine from how rough the theater chair arms are if I play my cards right -Alaka’i: Doesn’t he give off the energy that he’s like...father earth?  Loves animals, totally looks cute with daisies in his beard, all that shit? Maybe he’d be like Adam n Eve and he can wear only a leaf-- or leaves, if necessary -Orion & River: Not separate. Both. And I want to get paid for it, damn it. They’ve probably never seen underwear so expensive before; I’m pretty sure sleeping with them would be considered charity -Bartosz: ...So the smile is sort of lowkey attractive. Don’t worry, if you weren’t listed it’s probably because 1) I haven’t met or heard of you yet or 2) I’d rather wear Fruit of the Loom than fuck you.  One or the other. It’s alright, don’t mind my list: this ass is the ass of the people, it can be shared, there’s plenty to go around. Let this be my ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ moment. Hit me up.”