lxhin

Why can’t anyone see I am breaking?  Somewhere nobody knows me, and nobody sees the huge bullet hole in me, like the one that took her life.  I walk into the grocery store and grab some snacks, a couple of drinks, and walk to the cashier and slowly slid my hands inside my back pocket. It was the afternoon. 

I walk back to my new room, it has a bed, a couch and a couple of tables here and there. It’s good enough. A bed and a couch, and all I want to do is melt onto the floor and sleep there. I build up the energy to walk to my bed and eat my pack of chips and grab my laptop and start reading something. 

How much longer can I go without someone to care for me? Till the scar becomes more me than just a part of me?

I can’t leave, I want to but I can’t. I thought a few drinks will be all it takes to forget, but nothing worked. The energy in the room is incomparable, everybody’s dancing. I’m in the middle of it all, invisible, being pushed around accidentally because I’m half dead, I’m surprised I haven’t killed the party yet. 

The question is growing its roots inside my head, why did she choose to die? 

I’m there at the party, I can hear the music and see the dancing and feel the beats in my heart. I didn’t want to feel anything. I had a drink in my hand and my eyes were staring straight at nothing. I looked good, I was wearing good perfume, dressed in white and black. 

I was standing next to the vending machine, one very quiet Tuesday night in the middle of nowhere. I had no clue where I was, just drove till the roads took me somewhere. And now I’m nowhere. Mouthing lyrics to songs I can’t remember the names of. I remember faces but not who they are. 

I guess I got what I was looking for? I wanted an escape so bad, from my house, my friends, school, the sadness. And I did it, I got out. But now what? What’s the point? I’m standing here next to the vending machine, staring into the emptiness in front, the emptiness that awaits me. And my eyes can no longer see anything around me. It all melts. 

Empty, describes what I feel now perfectly. Is this what she felt before she decided that life wasn’t worth all the work? I’ll never know. 

02.00am. Sitting on the floor next to the vending machine, my eyes move towards the sky, and my thoughts go wild. I hear the sadness in the air, I hear all the calls of worthlessness. Even the smell of the earth was testing me. 

I look around, get up. With my hand on my chest I say ‘i can’, get my chocolate out of the vending machine, walk towards my car and drive to wherever the road takes me. 

/ˈsōl ˌmāt/

noun

noun: soulmate

a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.