3am through Memphis. Night air, I’m just missing you.

1yr later after EVERYTHING and I’m still standing. WOW! I can’t be beaten. I can’t be broken. The objective is to be fully purposed, lovingly married, and out the way! I’ll have that!

Maaaaaaaan I knew the shit was gone be trash

The best friends are the ones who hear you when you’re crying out loudly in silence ❤️

I am a difficult man to know. I am a more difficult man to lose once I’m in your corner. Take the time to understand me for who I am. Would you? Would you sit and give yourself time to study me? Read me like your books…please…deconstruct me by parts to see the sections of me that have been deprived of the love I’ve needed since I was a child. Please. I am tired of being berated. Love me. Hold me. Shelter me from my adulted doubt.

Maybe I’m unlikable because I am not with the bullshit. I won’t fold like these others men for the sake of getting close. I won’t lace my language with gratifying prose to get closer to achieve an objective. Maybe that’s my fault. Everybody “beautiful” and “wonderful people”. Stop the bullshit. 🤣

I miss the softness of motherly arms and feminine intimacy. I remember soft kisses and gentle gasps. I remember the need to see you day in and day out….I didn’t withdraw…I was pushed aside. I need that. I need you. You said you know I don’t…you don’t know shit. I just listen to you out of respect.

What’s crazy is once you’ve discovered yourself and solidified what you will and will not tolerate….everything else will be presented to you at your feet. The biggest NOs are the most unrewarding ones, but we push on and stick to the plan.

I’ve come to the realization it is not a book I need to write. I need to make an EP. I need to make a vocal project I’ve had authors and very well situated artists tell me to use my voice and it seems like that’s where my artistry will take me next. Now to figure out studio time and my own sound.

I do. Every day. All the time. Every morning. On the weekends when I know some can shake. If you ever had a thought. I need it now more than ever. If I was ever vulnerable in my life….now is the time.

Six months seizure free coming this Friday. Slowly but surely my life is coming back. I am so excited. I cannot believe I made it this far. There are so many things I want/need to do. So many things I need to make amends for. I should give myself much more love and grace but I’m a solider there is no room for that sweet shit over here. I just need to get shit done and get what I want. What I need will situate itself accordingly as long as my effort is consistent.

They’ll want you as a lap dog, trained and lowly, despite knowing you’re a wolverine. Play the part.

As a man, I will not allow myself to be diminished. I have the credentials. I have done the work. I am not a scratching post for emotional outbursts or furtive fits. I have served penance for my past and made peace with myself for the future. I will never bend to threats or acts of impetuousness. Self aware men are hated because we are immovable when we have learned ourselves. I am the edifice that will hold up your highest desire when I am honored or the crumbling structure that will bury you alive due to your neglect. Either way, who I am is complicated what I am is easier…I am a threat to those who seek to try me. I am the program. I do not ask for compliance. I will operate at full scale regardless. I will gleefully accept supporting frameworks but will reject any conflicting implementations.

I had a major brain surgery in August 2024. From that time I lost everything. I lost my independence, my autonomy, my strength, my resolve, and ultimately my life. I did not have a healthy, peaceful recovery I rightfully deserved, as a man on his death bed, during that time and yet I still survived. I made it through all the tests filled with constant poking, prodding, and whatever else you could imagine. I was the walking definition of a lab rat if there ever was one. Still, I had not gotten the peace I longed for to see me through. I did, however, find solace in the collective struggle of those who were willing to share and keep me motivated. I contemplated killing myself more times than I contemplated living because I have not been happy ever since this befell me. Perhaps worst of all is….I had not regained MY life. The last few months I have withdrawn myself and things/people withdrew themselves from me. I may be weak and frail in this condition, but I will not beg or jump through hoops for anything I have rightfully earned. I will not compromise my respect for any fuckin thing. I will die on that hill or on my way up it. Here I am now approaching a year of living this nightmare I cannot seem to wake up from. I can continue to go on, but I do not want to. I am tired of this. I am tired of being stuck. I am tired of tucking my tail because I am debilitated and it’s just a matter that I cannot vs would not. They took my fangs and consequently with it…my soul. I don’t know if I’ll make it. Rage is a ticking time bomb. Time is almost up. 💣💥💣💥💣💥💣💥💣💥💣💥💣