Light the Way

from the first 70 pages of “whiskey words & a shovel” by r.h. Sin

 “ you’re so used to being mistreated. ” 

“ you’ve gotten so used to being hurt that happiness scares you. ” 

“ who robbed you of innocence? ” 

“ who was your first? ” 

“ and the saddest part of all? you’ll cling to the good memories, as if there were any. ” 

“ the pain will always be there. ” 

“ so many people are setting the bar really low. ” 

“ you get what you allow. ”

“ i was never what you wanted. ” 

“ i was just the one you settled for. ” 

“ you’re an experience. ” 

“ meet me here. ” 

“ you were never the one. ” 

“ this was never love. ” 

“ you were simply necessary. ” 

“ i had to be hurt by you. ” 

“ i hope you find what you’re looking for. ” 

“ i hope you find the truth. ” 

“ and that’s how they control you. ” 

“ our version of living feels more like death. ” 

“ i understand you. ” 

“ i was forced to survive in your absence. ” 

“ i was faced with the realization that I never needed you. ” 

“ you’re always apologizing. ” 

“ one day I’ll stop listening. ” 

“ we grew apart.” 

“ we stopped trying. ” 

“ i’m trying to get better. ” 

“ i’m trying to get better at walking away from unhealthy situations. ” 

“ i struggle with the idea of anyone loving me unconditionally. ” 

“ sometimes I wish you waited for me. ” 

“ i got tired of going through the same shit with different people. ” 

“ it’s not your fucking fault. ” 

“ you can’t change a man. ” 

“ the thought of being in love is blinding. ” 

“ bargaining using sex.  either way you get screwed. ” 

“ the memories hurt the most. ” 

“ sometimes i get tired of thinking about the things that i don’t want to think about. ” 

“ sometimes i get so fucking tired. ” 

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The recital had been another great success, and she was delighted by the warm welcome she received from the Noxians upon her return. It hadn’t been so long ago that she was a prisoner here, yet it felt like an age ago to the gentle musician. Sona was very conflicted after her time as a prisoner and she was still somewhat in disbelief all that had happened was real. It felt like a work of fiction as the recent memories passed through her mind’s eye. If it weren’t for Maya, she probably would feel like she had woken from a dream. 

Still, Sona felt the events’ affect on her, and the change within herself. She wanted to be in Noxus for now, and wanted to cultivate her magic there. 

The occasional performance was nice too, with a lovely and passionate audience. Already she had many requests to play for private parties of various noble houses, even Vladimir had sent a letter. Maya was thrilled with her Lady’s popularity, and Sona suspected that most of her joy in returning was for a certain eye-patched gentleman. Of course her maid denied it all, swearing her loyalty to her Lady but they both knew what resided within her heart.

Sona was glad for her, and let Maya know that she would support her if she chose to pursue a husband. It left Maya in tears and they shared a warm embrace. It also had Sona pondering her own future and if she could find someone to settle with. She made herself blush when her mind settled on a particular grey haired man, and could only imagine the most gentle of refusals. She was too young and it would be too dangerous, and he couldn’t afford the distraction. When did her fantasies become so depressing?

She shook her head and looked in the mirror of the washroom. The water was clear and cool in the wash bowl and she scooped some of it to splash on her face. Maybe she could play a little to clear her thoughts. With a little nod she dried her face and hands and gathered the Etwahl from the living room. It was a bright, sunny day as it usually was in the early spring at Noxus Prime. The flowers were starting to bloom and she found herself wandering toward the garden attached to her modest home. 

Some fluffy bird chirped in a nearby fruit tree, blossoms beginning to bloom into a pink canopy. Sona smiled and sat on a little stone bench beneath it and plucked a few high, bird like notes. Her smile was serene as she began to play in earnest, eyes half lidded, her body swaying with each strum. She learned to let herself go when she was alone, almost trance-like. Many books had described magic as something to let flow through you, to act as a conduit rather than to try and control it, so she practiced in these quiet moments, letting it flow through her and the Etwahl.

A word she knew all to well, one she went walking hand in hand most days of her life constricted by its fervent grasp.

Physical? Yes, but pain wasn't always that simple. It was chilling to the bone when she dwells on it, leaving her a mere shell displayed as a broken mirror. A mirror that even if you took the time to patch the holes there would always be small particles missing. She was good at putting on that mask and walking around her home as if there wasn't a personal war raging not just inside her but among her family as well. A battle she may never win. A fight she may even lose herself to one day. Now? In this moment? She wasn't all too sure what to feel, but something was winning as her eyes connected with his. A warmth, a kindness that just warmed her to the center. It seemed he had enjoyed her time just as much as she had enjoyed his. The feeling was welcomed and she couldn't help but smile at him, to feel appreciated for just listening even caused color to lick the skin of her cheeks. Indulge? If she could've been greedy she would've stole all his sunshine for herself. More than indulging in the moment she got a little too over excited in the moment and stepped in quickly wrapping her arms around him and giving him a hug. This was the best she had felt in a long time and she had him to thank, though it hit her quickly what she had done. Stepping back, tripping over her feet as she fell to her butt,” I..I'm sorry... I... couldn't contain myself.” She'd return with him finding herself walking closer to him the rest of the way and finding the departure bittersweet. ------------------------------------

“Another Lux?”

“Yes and no. This one seems… different.”

“…So we’re gonna-”

“No, I hate it already-”

“Shine a new light on her?”

The wraith gazed over the room as though looking for something else to hold over her head. “I recommend you wait until I fetch you unless you think you can find your way through the prison? I highly doubt. It’s bigger than you think with multiple passageways and wings. Perhaps when you’re here for a few more weeks and I know you’ve memorized the layout a little more, I’ll start telling you where I want you to be and at what time. For now, you will wait for me to collect you.” Thresh pushed himself up off of the heavy wooden frame, an air of smugness emanating from his very bones. “Stay here. I’ll be back with your one book. I think you’ll find it’ll keep you company.” 

The Warden grabbed the door handle, stepping out and slamming the door as he left. Bits of dust fell from the crossed beams at the top of the room, small debris quietly tinkling down onto the cold floor. The silence that followed was deafening. There was no wind blowing through the halls, no voices from screaming prisoners at the moment, no footsteps, no settling of the building… just utter and absolute silence. It was no wonder how someone could go absolutely mad in such still surroundings. The impending darkness didn’t help either, especially when some of the firelight outside the door was cut off as she was enclosed within the room.

Before long, there’s a clatter of metal and the door is unceremoniously torn open. “I found it.” Thresh presented her with a thick leather bound journal. It was a rather large size with an easy few hundred pages in it, if not at least a thousand. It was staggering and promising to keep her busy for many a night. “This might interest you until you get more. Now, get some sleep. We start first thing in the morning.” Again, he slams the door shut, leaving her alone with her thoughts, the book, and the few candles on the minimal surfaces that had flickered to life the minute he left.

The book was nothing more than a blank journal with the phrase Made you look. on page 956.