Luvbigarms

The singular most reposted and liked item I have ever put on this blog is a repost of an extended statement by Jack Donovan that completely resonated with me when I first read it several years ago. In reading many of the comments that have been posted afterwards about his words, I was surprised at not only how many other men it connected with equally but also by the fact that his statement was offensive to some. Also please remember that just because I and others agree completely with that statement we don’t necessarily advocate everything that the man has said or written. But I must admit that my own long difficult journey of sexual awakening and discovery that is still ongoing even as I near the end of my 40’s may have been vastly more stable and less terrifying if I had been able to read his words when I was at the beginning. Back then as a child of the 70’s and 80’s, growing up in a home environment with a strongly religious mother and a dominant, homophobic, and somewhat violent father, my only understanding of male homosexuality was as Donovan describes... a denial of the masculine. The often false and derogatory depictions and ideas about gay or bisexual men pervasive at the time and certainly in my home were exclusively centered around those types of statements. To be homosexual or bisexual meant that you were not a real man, that you were desiring to be a woman, and that to be a part of that world you would have to relinquish your masculinity. Indeed at that time the images in media about gay men reinforced and echoed those falsehoods. This left male youth like myself then with no alternative option for a sexual identity as a man that embraced masculinity, physicality, and virility coupled with same sex attraction and passion. Only on some remote fringe edge were the hard hyper masculine depictions of the likes of Tom of Finland or Mapplethorpe which were hardly accessible or known to the vast majority of us. Any thought of two masculine strong powerful guys being together was unheard of to me. And certainly there was no evident component of gay men who felt similarly. It is important for us to acknowledge and thereby empower the very large portion of gay and bisexual men that share these feelings. Many of them are currently like I was several years ago, completely and utterly in the dark about the fact that there are innumerable men just like us. Often these guys are very alone in their situation and have no peers to relate to. In opening this discourse we increase the awareness of what we share and how many others are in our situation which gives us all great support on this journey. This in no way should be construed as an attempt to demean those that are effeminate or feel otherwise about their own identity. I respect tremendously my bisexual and gay brothers who have fought so hard for all of us wherever they may fall on the broad amazing spectrum of male sexuality. Hopefully the future will be more accepting, supportive, and accommodating for all of us.

Like so many of you that joined Tumblr as a place to explore your sexuality in an anonymous way, I too have been terribly unhappy with the site’s decision to censor its content. Initially for me this site was a place to enjoy the amazing intense masculine sexuality of man on man passion. It was also place that I could find other brothers who were also like me bisexual and closeted, in a loving and stable relationship with a woman, but also having incessant and innate desire for intimate intense sexual release with another man. I truly had no idea of the incredible number of other men who were just like me, masculine and outwardly heterosexual but also craving intimacy with similar guys who are androphiliacs. This site became a place that I could feel more normal and relatable. Hearing your stories and enjoying the pictures and vids that you posted were sexually intoxicating and also emotionally comforting. I even connected with a few other guys like me directly because of the site. In some ways I think it saved me and weirdly my marriage. Now things have changed and the landscape has shifted. Fortunately we can still, on many other sites, find outlets for our desire to see the images that first drew us here. The question is what is to become of this now. Several of you have reasonably abandoned Tumblr and moved on to other places that will not sensor our visual overt sexuality. I respect this and truly bemoan Tumblr‘s decision to make these changes. But after several weeks and months of pondering, as well as finding a new appreciation for the less sexually intense imagery that now populates my feed, I have decided to change my blog into both pics that are sexually charged for me as well as a place to post some verbal comment about what it is to be a middle-aged closeted bisexual man. I will still occasionally post images that Tumblr may deem “offensive”. If they take them down then that’s another example of how much society continues to try to silence a minority that is amazingly larger than we understand and seeking acknowledgement. I don’t see much other opportunity for exploring this topic anywhere in the “mainstream” due to our reasonable need for privacy. I truly have no idea where this will lead or if it will be something that has any following whatsoever but here it goes...