Love, Cherry

im so lost in life, I have no direction.

I cant imagine a future for myself, I have no real passions in terms of a career. I genuinely cant imagine myself past the next year and I just dont know what to do anymore. it feels like everybody is soembody, everybody has a direction. they've made some sort of achievement and im 20 years old, with nothing to show for it.

I have no degree, I dont see friends, and I have a job thats so hopeless and draining I come home and cry constantly.

im jsut so fucking anxious and depressed all the time and I cant win, I just want to be okay and normal, but everything's only getting worse.

this is honestly near my breaking point

sometimes its not my kitchen.

sometimes the sadness hits me in the worst places,

Iike when im trying to sleep

or work...

I think of you everyday.

some more than others.

and sometimes I dont cry.

sometimes im so angry about the way you did things,

for the suddenness and the lack of explanation

sometimes i just miss having you here,

I miss the way your laugh sounds

and the way you hug

I miss the way you made me feel

like everything would eventually turn out right

as long as I had you there

that i could really be cared about forever

I miss the way you looked at me when we laid in bed

like I was your world

like you could never imagine a life without me in it

I hate that you can

I hate that one day I was everything to you

and now we arnt even friends

how can we be strangers.

I thought I had more time to find myself, to know who I am, to find my direction.

I thought i had more time to decide, before life revolved around work and I became an adult

now here I am, 2 weeks from my 19th birthday, and I'm full of dread.

all my friends are out exploring, discovering, learning. and here I am, getting ready for another night at work, a dead end job making minimum wage, no school in my future

makes me wonder what happened, to the excited little girl who had so much ahead of her.

the one who wanted to be a doctor, who was good at school, who had more friends than she knew what to do with, who was happy and curious about the world.

I thought I had more time to be her.

I thought I knew where I was going, that I was going to be successful. or at the very least passionate.