The Lush Life

  As I am sure many of you have noticed, The Lush Life is currently on hiatus. In an effort to concentrate more heavily on a new print publication I am involved with, it has been necessary for me to step away for a bit. When I initially re-launched The Lush Life in 2011, I had hoped to streamline the design and maintain the blog with minimal advertising. Unfortunately, after the redesign, most of our sponsors dropped off. They simply were not willing to work within the confines of our new minimalist approach to advertising.

As the chief moderator and editor of several high profile arts and fashion blogs which are funded through paid advertising, my first priority must be the blogs which generate an income for me and my team. I will continue to update The Lush Life with interesting stories or features which catch my attention when I can. 

I want to thank everyone for their support. Thank you for making this little blog such a success. 

Sincerely,

Kiki Van Ark

It seems an unlikely trajectory for the former head of communications and press relations for various high-end haute couture houses including Givenchy and Alexander McQueen, but Eric Lanuit's reinvention as the visionary mastermind behind CHARACTER magazine is nothing short of spectacular. Last year, we came across Eric's work on The Advocate and shared the article enthusiastically. When the artist reached out to us last week , we knew it was time to revisit his work and share a sneak peek at the latest issue of this wonderful, arty publication. It's officially our newest obsession. www.charactermagazine.fr

CHARACTER is a beautifully appointed gay art and fashion magazine composed of images and corresponding stories presented by a host of well-known and lesser-known contributors, photographers and artists including Dana Thomas, Didier Lestrade, Donald Potard, Benoît Missolin, Stephen Todd, Katie Weisman, Fady El Khoury, Justino Esteves, Tom de Pékin, Fred Bladou, Bruno Jacquelin, Philippe Tyberghien, BillyBoy* and Lala, Yvon Goulet, Ric Kadour, Tom Stephan, Rebecca Voight, Pierre & Gilles, Thomas Doustaly, Eli Brave, Susanne Louise Frost, Alan Milroy, Paul Winney, Félix d’Eon, Jean-Paul Cluzel, Bertrand Guyon, Claudio Parentela, Thomas Doustaly, Grégoire Gitton, Daniel Nassoy, Paul-Henry Serres, Izumi Sanma, and Rob Clarke.

CHARACTER (www.charactermagazine.fr) is a quarterly digital magazine (Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer) and is open to submissions from gay artists and artists documenting the gay experience as it relates to male figurative imagery. Eric offers a generous amount of coverage (sometimes as much as 30-60 pages of a single artist) for those he finds intriguing. If you think you have what it takes to be a part of CHARACTER, email examples of your ideas/work to [email protected]

See our previous coverage of Eric's interview with Advocate  http://lushlifeblog.com/post/20822417295/artist-spotlight-eric-lanuit-eric-lanuits

Tom Bianchi's Long Awaited Fire Island Pines Is Released.

Growing up in the 1950s, Tom Bianchi would head into downtown Chicago and pick up 25-cent "physique" magazines at newsstands. In one such magazine, he found a photograph of bodybuilder Glenn Bishop on Fire Island. "Fire Island sounded exotic, perhaps a name made up by the photographer," he recalls in the preface to his latest monograph. "I had no idea it was a real place. Certainly, I had no idea then that it was a place I would one day call home." In 1970, fresh out of law school, Bianchi began traveling to New York, and was invited to spend a weekend at Fire Island Pines, where he encountered a community of gay men. Using an SX-70 Polaroid camera, Bianchi documented his friends' lives in the Pines, amassing an image archive of people, parties and private moments. These images, published here for the first time, and accompanied by Bianchi's moving memoir of the era, record the birth and development of a new culture. Soaked in sun, sex, camaraderie and reverie, Fire Island Pines conjures a magical bygone era.

  Getting ready for the gay Olympics, the Tony Awards

As the curtain goes up on this crackling new column, I can’t promise high-stepping chorus boys or lavish sets, if any sets at all. But at least you won’t have to read it while fellow customers rustle plastic, answer their phones, and kick your seat as an usher looks the other way.

And this will be a musical all right! The chirping you hear will be me singing the praises of the bad and the beautiful, the fast and the furious, and all the other live wires who make voyeurism riveting with their cultural exploits and personal mishaps. After a slight 28-plus-year side trip to an alternative weekly, I’m free to be your guide to the gossip, while maintaining my legend as the gayest person on the planet, as well as the one who cares more about superficial show biz matters than is healthy, while also lending a voice to issues that actually mean something in the larger picture. 

To me, the Tony Awards mean something. They’re the gay Olympics, the theater-fanatic’s answer to the Miss California pageant, and the rare show that actually deserves the subtitle “The Musical.” But it’s been tragic to see Best Actor in, you know, a Musical turn into a showdown between two drag performances—Bertie Carvel as the evil Miss Trunchbull in Matilda and Billy Porter as the finger-snapping Lola in Kinky Boots. Why must even a prestige night like the Tonys turn into one more drag queen catfight?

And that’s just the beginning of the internal battling going on. Kinky’s book writer, Harvey Fierstein, has been running around calling me names! Harvey went on Michelangelo Signorile’s Sirius/XM’s OutQ show and referred to me as “idiot boy” (though I’m sure he said that with nothing but love). But I’d merely quoted Harvey saying that Lola is a straight transvestite, to which I added some mild skepticism, then reported Billy Porter’s response, which was extreme skepticism. Squawked Billy: “Do you think after 25 years of being out and now wearing a dress and playing the character the way I do, that I’m gonna be straight in it? No one’s gonna believe my version of the character is straight! That’s not how I play it!” When I told Billy he needs to speak to Harvey about this disparity, he admitted they’d been arguing that point for some time. Later, I caught up with costar Stark Sands and he said he agrees with Billy! Oh, well. Every controversial thing Harvey’s ever said has turned out to be spot-on, so I’ll just wait this one out and prepare for some gay hatchet burying. But “idiot boy”? Not nice! “Carb face” would have been better, especially since Harvey also remarked of me--with love--“I’ve never seen him pay for a meal in his life.” And yet, isn’t it amazing that I still won’t let people dictate what I write?

I looked fat and fabulous on the Smash finale, which happened to air opposite the other gay musical, Behind the Candelabra (a TV movie some found too self-loathing-based, though it didn’t take an intellectual leap to find it a blistering condemnation of closety secrets and lies. And will you ever forget the moment when Calvin—I mean Liberace—was being plowed by Nick—I mean Scott—in an actual bed?) That night provided the Gay DVR Olympics, but the real winner was Cheyenne Jackson, who proved to be the double header’s MVP. On Smash, Cheyenne announced faux Tony nominees with Christine Ebersole, while on Candelabra—which should have been called Pianist Envy—he was the discarded boy toy slash keyboard tinkler of the predatory glitter ball Liberace. “It was surreal and fun to be on two shows at the same time,” Cheyenne related to me a few days later. “Actually, a buddy told me a rerun of Law And Order that I did was also on that night, so I guess it was three!

“Being a part of Candelabra was great,” he went on. “I wanted to do it to work with Soderbergh and Matt Damon (who I know from 30 Rock) and Michael Douglas. I actually turned down a much bigger part in a different project, but I knew even if I only had one line in Candelabra (which I did), it would be worth it. It was a fun challenge to create a whole character with a life and history and personality with no words.” His reaction shots alone were more priceless than even Scott Thorson’s gifted jewelry.   

“Smash was just me reading from a Teleprompter playing myself, so that was easy enough,” added Cheyenne. “And nice job, btw, Michael. You also play yourself well.” Thanks, guy! Note to celebs: Stroking is so much lovelier than bitter name-calling. Though if anyone wants to collaborate on Idiot Boy! The Musical!...

    Five stories reveal five faces of one city, New Orleans.

I made my first trip to New Orleans this past April, and the faces I remember most were those of two Christian women in their mid-to-late-twenties. Their faces were worn and slightly red -- pink, really, as if drawn from the plain's wind. And the women themselves were plain. Neither wore makeup or adornment of any kind. They were both wearing the long denim skirts common among devout evangelicals. Their faces were simply pretty and graceful without being pious or smug.

They appeared older than their approximate age and showed deep lines from smiling and even deeper lines from frowning. But in that moment, they were smiling, radiantly content under their haphazard buns of long, untrimmed hair. Right on the women's heels were two burly, menacing bikers. If they noticed, the women didn't seem to give a damn. They weren't in the least bothered by the city's grittier, reprobate elements, and for a brief moment, I saw them as blissed-out hippie girls tripping on mushrooms, lost in their own happy world.

I was walking west on Dauphine Street, one block north of Bourbon, a street I planned to avoid. The women were walking east, roughly toward St. Louis Cathedral at Jackson Square and the nearby French Quarter Festival, one of the many musical events frequently held in New Orleans, the reputed birthplace of so much American music. The women could be headed to one or the other or both. Anything goes in The Big Easy.

These five stories will give you a glimpse into what else is happening in New Orleans, a city as rich in unbridled iniquity as it is in spiritual devotion, camaraderie, inventiveness, and gumption, among other things.

1. Triple-X Marks the Spot

2. Faces Glass and Painted

3. The End of the World

4. A Shirtless Farmer in a Fancy Hotel

5. "Look Where You Want To Go"

1. As Seen in BLITZ: Fashioning ’80s Style (ACC Editions, $65) A compilation of the 1980s British style magazine’s greatest hits, this annotated compendium also includes interviews with the editors, photographers, makeup artists, and models who gave readers an unconventional glimpse into fashion’s innermost circles and outlandish fringes.

   2. Tabboo! The Art of Stephen Tashjian (Damiani, $50) Artist Stephen Tashjian (a.k.a. Tabboo!)

spent the ’80s creating a cornucopia of works, including paintings and collages, about masculinity, sexuality, and AIDS. Now you can see them all in one boundary-breaking volume. 

3. Terry O’Neill (ACC Editions, $95) Celebrity photographer Terry O’Neill has shot everyone from Tony Curtis to a liberated Nelson Mandela to a fresh-faced Candace Bergen (as a sea nymph!). This definitive collection features the former newspaper photographer’s finest work. 

4. Keith Haring 31 Subway Drawings (ARTBOOK/Art Issue Editions, $50) Before Banksy could hold a paintbrush there was Keith Haring, the insider/outsider artist whose intentionally ephemeral works popped up in public spaces, most famously New York City subways. This tidy book, perfectly sized for your commute, assembles all the archival material related to those influential subterranean pieces.

    Does the instant gratification of modern dating life make intimacy feel kind of cheap?

  by Tyler Curry for Advocate.

Modern technology has led to a virtual fast-food line for anything the modern gay man desires. Whether it’s takeout, a new pair of shoes, or a late-night guest we seek, all it takes is a few clicks of a finger. With shoes and takeout, our favorite phone app has only changed the way we order our latest craving, but apps with their GPS-based seach for men have all but revolutionized the approach we take to sex and dating. Of course, these apps have their rightful place, and there are plenty other more “traditional” approaches that gay men can take when dating. But has the app-based culture of stats, nudies, and decapitated men begun to spill over into the rest our dating lives and making everything else look a little cheap?

The gay culture has drifted further away from the values that a real relationship fosters, right as we are mere inches away from being granted the right to walk down the aisle. Yet we have gone so far in de-emphasizing our intellectual traits in mating and dating that we actually cut our heads off in order to attract a mate. This phenomenon may not be as directly apparent in the more traditional approaches to dating, but the culture of “sexual priorities” can still be felt.

Of course, these social media apps aren’t solely to blame for the overemphasis of the sexual in lieu of intellectual in gay culture. The nature of the hidden gay life has inevitably suppressed our abilities to function as fully realized beings. Unlike with our heterosexual counterparts, our “training years,” when we are supposed to learn the basics of dating, mating, and boundaries, are typically truncated. The duration of this relationship limbo depends on how long our closeted period lasts. But no matter how long we are kept in this proverbial holding pattern, there is one thing that has always come naturally … our sex drive. So when we finally get the chance to play house with members of the same sex, we typically head straight to the bedroom.

Yet after decades of many trials and travails of the gay rights movement, we are now recognized as a beautifully diverse and emotionally engaged component of society. Many gay relationships now serve as role models, giving single gay men hope for having a family, a fulfilling marriage, and a summer home that heterosexual couples can only achieve with an interior decorator.

Juxtaposed with this feat of accomplishment that seemed nearly impossible just years earlier is the general regression of the gay man’s dating game. The use of the likes of Grindr and Jack'd is one thing (and certainly neither sells itself as a dating site), but the context of leading with the physical in hopes of the emotional has most gay men spinning in circles.

For example, last week a very handsome man that I have known for some time asked me out to dinner. This dinner invite came through a much more respectable medium of communication — Facebook (which seems to me to be Grindr for gentlemen). I was ecstatic. It had been a while since a handsome, successful, and appropriately aged man had asked me on a real date. Not a “let’s meet for drinks” or “wanna come watch a movie” date, but a cloth-napkin, pick-you-up-at-8 date.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t but a minute before the little hearts that had started gathering around my head began to pop, one by one. I had only eliminated half of my closet in search of acceptable first date options when I was asked if I was a top or a bottom. This man had yet to discover my religious affiliation, whether or not I would laugh at his jokes, or if I was interested in the same type of movies as he was. Why bother with such trivial things if our percentages of top versus bottom are a mismatch? This question may be a necessary one when sex is the only thing on the menu. But in a dating scenario, there are many other factors that can indicate if there is a long-term sexual compatibility. Instead of figuring it out by the transgression of each other’s idiosyncrasies (and let’s face it, you can typically tell in about 20 minutes), we reduce ourselves to cavemen.

“Me, top only. You, bottom?”

I was not afforded the option to establish chemistry based on such trivial traits as personality and humor. He wanted to know if I was 70% bottom and if I had a picture of my ass. How did this happen with a man who was supposedly interested in getting to know me, and not just in the biblical sense? Easy — he and almost every other single gay man have been desensitized by hookup apps.

The date never happened.

There is a vast disparity between being able to enjoy sex as just sex and turning yourself into a virtual blowup doll with a day job. Physical attraction is an important part in the development of relationships past the point of platonic, but it has become a grossly overrated value in the gay culture. In order to develop a lasting physical relationship, the most essential characteristics far surpass the size of your member.

And the proof is in the morning after (or lack thereof). Sure, the sex was great and his six-pack and massive arms gave you the chills for about 20, maybe 30 minutes. Regrettably, his brain was about as dense as his abs and you politely usher him to the door just before that rerun of Law & Order: SVUcomes on. This is fine for the man who truly is about as interested in a relationship as he is in going hunting with his cousins who live in the country. But how many gay men have passed this point only to let the customs of this mating ritual linger in their dating habits?

Love and sex are inevitably linked even though sex can appear on the menu a la carte. For too long, love in the gay community was scoffed at, second-guessed and considered altogether less than real, heterosexual love. Although we knew better, after a while the opinions of others can start to feel like truth. Maybe we assumed that true love was impossible in our oversexed, grass-is-always-greener environment. It’s hard to say whether this belief came from our own conclusions or from the judgments of others. But as we eagerly wait to hear one of the most important U.S. Supreme Court rulings in the history of the gay rights movement, we owe ourselves more than just a parade and a pat on the back. We owe it to ourselves to take the chance and establish a real bond with someone based on interests, values, and whether or not you can tolerate each other’s family members. And yes, even sex.

If sex is just what you are looking for, carry on. But if you are ready for something a little beyond the physical, start with some questions about where he grew up and what kind of movies he is into while you have dinner with all of your clothes on. And try to refrain from pressing send on the cock shots … at least until after you have seen it in person.  

“A beautiful, sensual body of work reminiscent of Bruce Weber. With The Boys Of Summer, Sophia Renee evolves into a uniquely gifted chronicler of the male form.”   - The Concierge                                                                                                               

The Boys Of Summer, Sophia Renee’s epic photographic homage to the skaters, surfers and male models inhabiting her universe, is quickly becoming the most well known- and all consuming- aspect of her professional portfolio. So far, nearly three thousand images -featuring nearly a dozen men- have been shot over three years. Despite the overwhelming popularity the artist and many of her images have found on social media, Sophia still has mixed feelings about the direction of the still unpublished monograph. “At this point, it feels like a baby that won’t grow up,” says the artist. 

The Boys of Summer first came onto our radar in 2010 when a portion of the monograph was serialized on Convozine. Sophia’s striking images of a tattooed, dreadlocked model named Robbie Gambrell seemed the polar opposite of everything we were seeing in fashion and fitness imagery at the time. Kiki Van Ark, a former contributor for OUT magazine who runs several high profile blogs and has followed Sophia’s evolution says, “The images of Robbie Gambrell were a revelation. In the context of this project, he gave her the direction she needed. She took a very edgy, unusual looking man and iconized him. In many ways, I think Robbie Gambrell is the silent center of the whole series. Their work together is so widely circulated that his image has become inexplicably linked with her and her work with him.”

 Despite the success she found with Gambrell, Sophia concentrated primarily on new faces throughout much of 2012. “My work with Robbie kind of set a standard for the creative’s following my work. I really like Robbie as a person and as a model. But I felt like I needed to step away from him for a moment because those images became so popular. I didn’t want other models competing or having to measure up to that. He was becoming identified as the face of my series which is a great testament to his beauty…but I wanted it to be a collective.”

 Since 2012, Sophia has concentrated on spotlighting new faces including model Michael Heppner, a young man who possesses a Gambrell-like magic but with a more wholesome all-American feel. She continues to enjoy a strong response to the series and is now focusing specifically on the skate/surf lifestyle theme. “Before, I was shooting a variety of themes. I realize now how counter-productive that was. I want the monograph to have one cohesive theme. There will be a variety of men. But the theme is constant. The story will be the same,” she says. Will she be photographing Robbie again?  ”Definitely. I have photographed him since but not for the book. But I will be shooting him again in the coming months. It will be fun to reinterpret this theme again and see if we can recapture the magic of the first shoot.”

 We wondered what happens to all of the work which is no longer right for the monograph. Interestingly enough, many of them will still see the light of day. New York Times Bestselling Author Jayne Rylon recently licensed several images initially intended for the book to appear on the covers of her new series of romance novels. 

As for the monograph, it remains a work in progress. About a month ago, Sophia reached an impasse with the European publisher who showed an interest in the project two years ago. She is now without an editor but remains optimistic. “I believe in this project and others do too. There are plenty of publishers. I am fully committed to this series and when I set my sights on something, it gets done. I have no desire to put a bunch of pretty pictures in a book and put my name on it. The Boys Of Summer will be published when the time is right and I find the right company who believes in my vision. I’m not in a hurry. I’d rather have it done correctly, and done my way , than go in a direction I don’t believe in.”  

Everyone seems to have an opinion on Jason Collins, the NBA center who came out of the closet yesterday. President Obama reportedly called the former Washington Wizard to congratulate him. Bill Clinton, whose daughter is friends with Jason, congratulated the player. Ernie Grunfeld, president of the Washington Wizards, for whom Collins has played, said he's "extremely proud" of the 34-year old: "He has been a leader on and off the court and an outstanding teammate throughout his NBA career. Those qualities will continue to serve him both as a player and as a positive role model for others of all sexual orientation." And Massachusetts Congressman Joe Kennedy III, Collins' friend from their days at Stanford, said, "I've never known him to look for publicity, or to look for the spotlight, but given that no one else would raise their hand, I knew he would do it."

And Dan Savage said Collins' coming out should spark a conversation about straight players' masculinity and what it means to be a man. "This isn't about whether Jason Collins or other athletes who happen to be gay are pansies," the gay journalist and activist said on MSNBC. "It's about whether heterosexual men and heterosexual athletes in locker rooms are pansies. If they're afraid of gay men, if they're jumping up on chairs and shrieking and too afraid to shower in the same conditions that marines, and sailors, and airmen shower in." Collins, he says, has given the NBA and its fans an opportunity to grow and show their acceptance. .

But of course not everyone's singing Collins' praises. Conservatives naturally have something negative to say. Ben Shapiro, one of the rightwing website Breitbart's snarling columnists, tweeted, "So Jason Collins is a hero because he's gay? Our standard for heroism has dropped quite a bit since Normandy." And then there's Chris Broussard, an ESPN commentator who injected his own religious beliefs into the conversation.

"Personally, I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly… If you’re openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that’s a sin," Broussard said, live on air. "If you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality... I believe that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the bible would characterize them as a Christian."

Here's video:

As the predictable fury rose, ESPN issued a statement that read, "We regret that a respectful discussion of personal viewpoints became a distraction from today’s news. ESPN is fully committed to diversity and welcomes Jason Collins’ announcement." Broussard too released a statement, but it's not an apology by any stretch of the imagination.

Today on OTL, as part of a larger, wide-ranging discussion on today's news, I offered my personal opinion as it relates to Christianity, a point of view that I have expressed publicly before. I realize that some people disagree with my opinion and I accept and respect that. As has been the case in the past, my beliefs have not and will not impact my ability to report on the NBA. I believe Jason Collins displayed bravery with his announcement today and I have no objection to him or anyone else playing in the NBA.

One has to assume that Broussard's not the only journalist who feels this way in the wide world of sports reporting. While it's unclear whether the 34-year old will be taken in by any of the NBA's teams, he'll undoubtedly face opposition beyond the locker room and off the court. It will be right there, on television, discussing and analyzing his every move, like a voyeur waiting to strike. But Collins seems ready for anything, especially haters.

Around the world in 288 ridiculous pages.

In his latest collection of essays, Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls (Little, Brown and Company), bestselling American author David Sedaris hopscotches from French dentists’ offices to Beijing squat-style toilets to his current home in England, leaving no stone (or piece of garbage) unturned. We pinned him down.

When you sat down to write this new book, what were you setting out to achieve? I’ve never sat down thinking I’m going to write a book about travel or about getting older. I don’t have that much to say about anything. I just kind of write a story, and then I put it in a pile, and then eventually the pile gets to be book-sized and I think,Oooh, I bet that’ll be a book!

You now live in the U.K. What do you miss most about living in the U.S.? Canned clams.

What was the inspiration for your essay “Dentists Without Borders"?

Now that I live in England I can get my NHS (National Health Service) number, because I have my green card here. For some reason, I just haven’t gotten my NHS number yet. I was supposed to go to Sweden last summer, and I was really looking forward to it, but I was convinced that something was going to get in the way of my trip. Then I decided that I had puss dripping down the back of my throat. And an abscessed tooth. Now, none of my teeth hurt, there was just a taste in my mouth, and I decided it was puss dripping. So, I called a dentist who was not an NHS dentist -- she’s a private dentist. I called at 9 o’clock and she said could see me at 11 o’clock. So I went to her office, I had X-rays taken, she examined my teeth, and she said, “You know, I’m sorry, I do not see any abscess here. I don’t see anything wrong with your teeth.” And then I went to pay and the receptionist said, “I hate to charge you because there was nothing wrong, but sorry, you just gotta do it.” The bill was $70. (chuckles) Nothing. I mean, I paid her in cash.

In “Dentists Without Borders,” you write about European physicians who make $50 house calls and take patients on Saturdays without appointments. How is health care overseas treating you?

If I broke my leg in the United States, I'd go to the airport and buy a first-class ticket to France and go to any hospital in Paris, and it would be cheaper. In Brazil, apparently, plastic surgery is really cheap. It's interesting to go there because everybody has had stuff done. You can just say to people, "Are those your real breasts?" And they'll say, "No! As a matter of fact, I just got those last month!"

Speaking of health, in one essay you write about your fatty tumor and seem to be totally cool with it just hanging out below your right rib cage. What’s the status on it?

If you cut a boiled egg in half, that’s how big it is. But it’s been that size for a couple of years now. I was on a book tour in the United States and a veterinarian came up and said, “I’ll cut that tumor off for you tonight.” His office was, like, a half an hour away, so I said, “Well, I don’t have a car or anything.” He said, “No problem, I’ll go get my stuff and I’ll just do it right here at the table!” I asked if he was going to have to stitch me up, and he said "yes," but I was going to a nice hotel and didn't want to get puss on the hotel sheets. So that was the only reason I said no. But I kick myself for not allowing myself to be operated on by a veterinarian.

“Rubbish” is about your obsession with picking up trash by the road. Any bizarre finds?

I found a pile of soaking wet magazines about spanking women in the woods about six weeks ago. But that was the only rare thing. Generally, it’s the same crap over and over again: Red Bull cans, candy wrappers, a lot of used condoms. Somebody likes to put a rubber glove on and shit into their hand. And it’s not dog shit, you know? You can tell the difference.

So how did this obsession start in the first place?

I’ve always been pretty clean inside my house, and I just kinda moved it outside. I picked up rubbish today. I think I’ll do it tomorrow. And I did it the day before yesterday. It’s just sort of what I do now.

You’ve painted houses, been one of Santa’s elves, and in “Standing Still,” you write about being a life drawing model for art students. What’s the worst gig you’ve ever had?

This guy in Chicago had squirrels crawling under the eaves of his house and dying in his attic, so I had to go collect them and staple chicken wire up the eaves so more couldn’t get in. I couldn’t clean myself enough. I just could not shake the smell and taste of dead squirrels. That was pretty bad.

You've been with your partner, Hugh, for quite some time now. Any chance you'll be tying the knot soon? Here are my thoughts on gay marriage: I wish that gay people would get the right to marry, and then not a-one of them would do it. I wish they'd say, "Fuck you! We don't need your stupid marriage!" You need to listen to me: Nobody wants to go to your wedding. Nobody does. People will give you double gifts if you elope, I guarantee it! Your wedding is not going to be fun. It's just going to be another wedding, and nobody wants to go.

You reflect on growing up gay in one essay. How is being LGBT different for kids today?

The photog's work to be featured in high-profile installation along New York City's elevated park.

From April 1-30 visitors to New York City's High Line park will get a new sight along its borders with the installment of photographer Ryan McGinley's "Blue Falling," a photograph depicting a person set against a vast blue background, on the High Line Billboard. The effect of the blue-on-blue may take unsuspecting viewers by surprise, with its figure that appears to be floating.

“I am excited to see this new billboard along the High Line as it contrasts with the sky behind it,” says Cecilia Alemani, the Donald R. Mullen, Jr. Curator & Director of High Line Art. “Ryan has turned the billboard into a vast field of deep blue. It looks almost as though the person was floating in a primordial amniotic liquid—a peaceful moment of pause among the visual bombardment surrounding the park.”

When we last featured the New York-based artist in 2011, writer William Van Meter noted: " McGinley has carved out a successful career beyond the art world without compromising his work in the slightest. His recent Levi’s advertisements could work in a gallery show. And he’s rendered everyone from Olympians to Oscar nominees in sumptuous abstracted portfolios for The New York Times Magazine. This year, he shot Lady Gaga for the cover of Rolling Stone, an image that revealed pathos and emotion, instead of a pop star in a wacky get-up." -OUT

After a regrettable porn vid and epic failures, we discuss what fame means to the Internet star of the documentary, 'Me @ the Zoo,' in what he calls his 'most honest interview'

Do we know yet what to call Chris Crocker’s fame? Does he?

His introduction to the entertainment industry, as a hysterical fan in “Leave Britney Alone,” one of the first viral videos, certainly set the stage for one kind of definition. But Valerie Veatch and Chris Moukarbel's documentary Me @ the Zoo—now available on DVD and VOD—paints a different picture, contextualizing Crocker in a larger framework of hilarity and humanization (he’ll never get legitimacy by Hollywood standards or a fruit basket from Britney, but at least he gets a movie showcasing his talents and sass!).

But is even that the whole reality? While the doc closes out by playing his catchy pop single, and seems to be a triumph for has-been Crocker, it is clear from talking to him that this is hardly a happily-ever-after in his now un-painted eyes.

Sure, he has more music, more funny videos, a YouTube partnership, and a porno; but he also has no direction, no money, no time—and a porno.

Whether it was the mood of the day, being thankful not to have to talk about Britney, or just responding improvisationally and emotionally to his own thoughts as he said them (a good chance why he’s been able to create over 500 videos), Crocker here makes the beginning, if awkward, steps to assessing his unglamorous situation, without the brand-able sass.

Out: In the movie you say make the observation that you’re the inverse of Paris Hilton, and you’re famous for not being famous.

It’s people’s favorite thing to say to just write me off.

Does that happen a lot?

I think that it happens more so than not. But I think the chances that I’ve been given to showcase what I actually do and just my story in general—those chances that I was given at 19 to film my reality show—went down the toilet really quick, for various reasons. And so career opportunities for me have been very slim to none.

In a recent video, you actually said that “Leave Britney Alone” hurt you, and I think most people would think, “But oh, that’s what made him so famous and that’s what he wants.”

Completely. A lot of people think the Britney video is what got me famous and what gave me all these opportunities, but if I were to have gone to L.A. as an unknown actor—I probably could have gotten a lot more work. I don’t regret it necessarily; I think it just gives me more hurdles to overcome…Which, you know… and obviously doing the porn thing didn’t necessarily help me.

It kind of created a whole other box that I have to overcome. But when you’re known as the Britney-boy, or you’re in a "15 minutes of fame" box, it’s very interesting, because the offers start coming at you really quick. And when they dwindle, you don’t know what to do. And I’m wrapping up an album that I’m self-funding, so every decision that I make is survival-based.

Doesn’t the movie show you becoming a YouTube Partner now, with big checks?

It’s not what people think when you’re in my position. Having done the porn, everything’s a little bit tarnished right now… but, you know, it’s pretty much up to me to make those little calculated moves. I dropped out of school in the eighth grade. So even if I just wanted to go get a regular job—even a job at Starbucks—a lot of people wouldn’t hire me. So it’s like, do I just pick up the pieces from here and go back to school? Which is… likely, at this point.

Are you saying that you regret the porn? Or, was it maybe not as purposeful as you made it seem at the time [in an earlier interview, Chris urged the decision came from an “empowered” place]?

It wasn’t just going to be a one-off porn, it was going to be the porn and then a website, with the same companies, so, the only thing going through my head was setting up a future with my boyfriend at the time, and getting us a house and a mortgage and things like that. I said, “Well if I’m going to do it, then let’s make it worth it.” So, then we broke up a week before the porn came out. So then, yeah, it kind of ended. You have to contractually, and things, promote a porn. So I regret doing it with my ex more than I regret doing it in general…

Could you do it again, if the circumstances were more favorable?

I could do it again, but honestly…where is the reality show? And where are the people that have seen how interesting my life is? Not that many people were, like, the first of their kind to be an Internet celebrity—what happens after that? What happens after you extend your 15 minutes of fame to 30 minutes of fame, and it’s six, seven years later, and you’re still living at home in Tennessee? I think that’s an interesting story, a little more than Honey Boo Boo…

This is a big thing for you, this reality show. Do you have a plan to attain it?

I feel as though… a lot of people don’t realize this, but World of Wonder, the same people that doRupaul’s Drag Race, shot a pilot with me, and um, for various reasons that I won’t name—some of which involve Perez Hilton being on their roster at the time, and him and I not being friends at the time—my show did not go through. It wasn’t pitched correctly and it wasn’t—I was 19 and I kind of let that fall. It’s also hard to pitch a reality show in Tennessee.

If you’re a production company, and we have ties that go way back, shouldn’t you be massaging my back a little bit and prodding me? I can only pitch myself so much from my bedroom. My YouTube videos are like my antenna on my head to the universe. Like, how much more do you need to see to know that I am entertaining? But for some reason…some unanswered reason, I’m just completely useless to the entertainment industry… and they don’t see a story there.

So… it’s just been a series of disappointments, is that what you’re saying?

Completely. Completely.

Completely?

I’m just being completely honest with you, this is the most honest interview I’ve probably done in years.

I’m just a little thrown because in your videos and the movie you are always very upbeat, despite the setbacks. There always seems to be an inner-confidence and direction.

Mm-hmm. Well this is all coming from the last 2 weeks. I’ve been content just living in my grandparents’ home for too long, and I’ve been content, not living for too long. I think that um you know, the outlet is gone for me, what used to be an outlet, the videos used to be an outlet, everything’s gone for me. So any interview that I can use as a therapy session—I’m using it.

Don’t worry about it. Do you ever think you could just go to school and throw the cameras away?

Ab-solutely! It’s more so I’m terrified of the south. I’m terrified of day-to-day interactions. That’s why I’ve been so immersed in videos here. When I was given that opportunity to work with World of Wonder, I wholeheartedly believed that was my ticket out of here! And I don’t know what psychologically snapped in me, where I decided I wasn’t worth anything, to do anything to get attention to keep that attention to get me the fuck out of TN? But that’s always been in my inner-monologue, all along.

And what about the question of your gender?

Oh here we go.

Ha. I just noticed a difference in your videos, in how you come across, now looking more like a boy than a girl.

I definitely feel the most connected with myself I’ve ever felt. Maybe that’s because before I began to explore my more masculine traits, I thought I was going to go through with a boob job. And now that I feel like I’ve explored both sides, I feel like I know myself very well. But, this is what’s completely weird—I never knew what it was like to not be so paranoid walking through a grocery store. I can’t even imagine that same bravery that I used to have, which is really bizarre to me to think about.

I know it’s not the answer anyone wants to hear because it’s such a vague answer, but I really don’t feel like just boy or just girl.

I accept that answer, it’s just clips in the movie show you definitely as thinking you are a girl. Do you know what changed that?

Well here’s one thing that I can tell you…. as recently as like, last week. My grandmother is so happy with my current look—it’s what she always wanted me to look like. And again, feeling that acceptance, and her being able to show me off to her family members, like, “Oh, he’s so handsome,” that’s something that’s new for her. But in a way that kind of upsets the other part of me that is like OK, where was all this before? ...I told her, I’ve honestly never been more uncomfortable inside my own body. But I really only said that to be a little more provoking towards her. I’m comfortable with myself. So I think when you’re comfortable with yourself, you kind of go with whatever aesthetic you choose.

So you’re going for what’s easier on your family and society.

Yeah...[long, contemplative pause] Sorry, this has been a complete unload of information! I feel like interviews are to mark a certain time of your life, and this is this time of my life.

You’re a fan of catchphrases—like "its a hair flip" or "we're on a first-ring basis, bitch"—give me the catchphrase for this time of your life.

I was going say the title of a book I’m going to write—I’m always doing 50 things at once. I started writing my book, Chris Crocker: Behind the Curtain? Because in the video they think I’m like under a bed, it’s really a curtain… oh hold on! Chris Crocker: More Than a Catchphrase. I don’t even know if that’s a catchphrase—but yeah.

After our interview, Crocker wrote about this interview in his Tumblr, after it happened, reiterating its honest nature, and thanks people for helping him realize it is his fault he is stuck as much as anyone else’s. Although many might write him off, there is a kind of bravery in admitting to a magazine some of your bad decisions and being blunt about your wishes. Just because someone’s a has-been and a never-was, hopefully doesn’t brand them forever as a never-will-be.  

Interview BY MICHAEL NARKUNSKI for OUT