(TW: References to pills, suicidal ideation, and depersonalization!)
J.D. notices the way Heatherâs annoyance slowly turns into confusion the longer he spoke to her. He couldnât really say he understood what there was to be confused about exactly. He was merely discussing the myriad of trials and tribulations of the beauty standard holding them all prisoner and how it could be her own undoing eventually.
He often thought about that. All the ways the human body could turn up broken, mutilated, or wrong in the pursuit of looking more presentable to other, more judgmental eyes. He assumed everyone else thought the same too, they just lied to themselves about it. Thus why society struggles with eating disorders and invented hair dye, makeup, and plastic surgery among other things to look more like their most desired self. Though he wasnât like most other people really when it came to expressing how he felt on the insideâŚ
âDeath comes for us all eventually, Heather. As soon as weâre born we start dying. I bet if you ever payed attention in biology class you would know that. Funny seeing as you say youâre not dying anytime soon yet youâre actually dying right now as we speak. Death isnât something to be avoided, itâs an inevitability of our existence on this planet. Dying prematurely before you reach your older, decaying state wrinkling in the retirement home just speeds up the process.â
He waves at her mockingly. âCanât wait for the future grandkids to wave at their Gram as they wheel her off the cliff if you followâŚâ
âYou know, accidents happen all the time. Cars crash, houses burn down and flood. Sometimes you have to wonder what will cause the great fall of Heather ChandlerâŚâ
As Heather pushed him, he felt a painful sensation in his ribs as he fell, worsening the impact if that was even possible somehow. She likely didnât know that would cause a worse reaction in him than most and definitely wouldnât care to know. He winced and groaned as he stood up, still holding his rib as if it was a fragile thing in need of protection from the almighty bitch standing before him. He knew he probably should go to the nurseâs office right about now but he knew he couldnât go without judgement. Besides, he was fine. Sort of. The pain in his head worse than the pain effecting his insides. This was just how it was, always being pushed down by others one way or another. His old man, the school faculty, his classmates, Heather Chandler too. When will it ever end with humanity?
Now would his death be an accident was a question that he had considered many times throughout his already dreadfully long lifespan. He wasnât on drugs anymore. Not the ones his shrink had prescribed to keep him complacent and quiet at least. When the adults donât understand the youth they try to snuff them out and bend them to their whims. He barely felt anything at all as it was and now they were trying to make him feel even less than before? Itâs not hard to see why those pills went down the drain as did his hope for a better world. He can still hear the gurgling sound the sink made when it happened, as well as he can remember anything when his mind enters that unclear and foggy state where he does things he canât take back most often. He knows he made the right call, but sometimes he does think back to that night and wonder why he didnât just take the whole bottle instead of chucking it out. Unburden his load and find peace for himself. When he goes out he wants it to be on his own terms, not the terms of a society that doesnât care for him.
But alas, that wasnât where he stood. Instead he stood in a hallway of Westerberg High, fighting off the pain and disassociation for he couldnât show weakness. He wanted to cry, he smiled instead and let out a chuckle that was half groan. It was how he coped. Everything was funny if he felt numb inside enough to laugh it off. His own existence was a joke anyway and everyone knew it. On the best of days he felt like he was living in a dream where everything around him including himself was a clouded dream he could never truly wake up from or find clarity in. They all saw right through him, he might as well give them a show to entertain himself too. That is if he could still find stimulation in the worldâŚ
âWas it good for you? That wasnât even a fall, not really, more so a push. Though I commend your strength and valiant effort. Trying to push some sense into me? Is that what weâre doing now? Nice. I appreciate it. But, the pain kinda sucks for meâŚâ
