Brother I choose this mortal life

Mel knew going into this job that it would be hard. There were no good days and bad days. It wasn’t that easily definitive. Each day was touched with triumph and mundanity and shattering loss in a way that it usually ended up a net neutral as far as her emotions went. Most of the time it was easy to leave the baggage of the day behind with her dirty scrubs at the end of each shift, peeling them off like a second skin revealing someone different underneath. But this day would stick with her and not just because her scrubs were slick with blood and the stench of death, her head bursting with the memory of a family rent in two. She was sure she would hear the flatline tone in her dreams tonight followed by the hollow screams of parents who lost a child. The insufficient weight of his lifeless chest under her compressions made her hands tremble even now, hours later as she sat under a lukewarm stream of water in the shower in the back hall.

Mel sat and she stared until the water ran cold. Scrubs on, glasses still perched on her face with her back slumped away from the cracked tile wall to make sure the spotty flow at least hit her shoulders where they were wrapping her arms around her knees. She didn’t even bother taking her sneakers off. Everything was out of order inside of her, and it was spilling into her actions.

The door swung open. The light flicked on.

“Shit.”

Her gaze didn’t lift from the drain on the floor where pink tinged water was slowly swirling away.

“Mel, sweetie, talk to me.”

Langdon crouched in front of her. Mel looked up at him and saw his brows upturned, disrupting the familiar lines of his forehead.

“Robby told me. We’ve all been looking for you,” his voice was as soft as her favorite sheets, the ones she would crawl under tonight when it was time to sleep in the expanse of her bed. Alone.

She swallowed. There was so much emptiness in everything she touched.

Her hands shook violently, like she was a pot about to boil over. Frank took her wrist gently, turning her hand over. His thumb rubbed featherlight lines up her palm, tracing the curve of her own thumb. She watched, entranced by the simple movement and the way it had started to untangle some of the mess inside of her. His fingers were warm and steady where they rested against her wrist, dwarfing her hand in comparison.

“Is this okay?” Her eyes flicked to his hesitantly and found him earnestly searching for permission to cross this boundary, both of them knowing that things would be different after.

Mel nodded and watched it melt some of his tension before focusing her gaze back on their hands. His right hand cautiously cupped the underside of her elbow, and she found herself wanting to lean into his embrace. She had been holding herself up for so long. It was nice to imagine someone else bearing the weight for a little bit. Especially if that someone was Frank.

She couldn’t help the shiver that ran over her when she catalogued all the places they were touching skin to skin, even fully clothed in the dingy bathroom of the Pitt.

“Let’s get you warmed up, yeah?” He asked with a squeeze to her arm, signaling it was time to stand. She rose with a wobble from her crouched position while Frank’s hands held steady. He stepped away to turn the handle closer to the faded red H, and the warmth running over her skin began to feel like something akin to love, painting her with soft pink kisses and ridding her of the guilt she wore like armor.

Frank offered her a hand and pulled her further into the stream, and she shivered again as her body adjusted to the changing temperature.

“You sure you want your glasses on?” He asked with a small smile as the rising steam created a layer of fog over her lenses.

She smiled so big she almost laughed as she pulled them free from her ears and leaned over to set them on the chair with her bag and towel.

Mel took a shuddering breath and leaned her head farther into the water, closing her eyes as it washed over her face. Tentatively, her shoulders started to relax. Frank traced up the back of her arm with his knuckles and she rolled her neck back involuntarily. Sure fingers started to work her hair tie loose and comb through her braided strands.

“But you’ll get wet,” she blurted quickly, breaking her silence.

“That’s the last thing on my mind right now,” his voice was strained in an unfamiliar way.

She tried to meet his eyes over her shoulder, but his gaze was intent on where his hands were unwinding her hair. Blood had matted a several clumps together, and Mel felt the wind knock out of her once again.

“Don’t look,” he said softly. “I’ve got it.”

Mel swallowed hard and felt the sting of tears before she could stop them. She wanted to say thank you, but her throat and chest felt like they were being crushed beneath the weight of what they had all endured in that trauma room. She felt herself drifting away, like she was watching this scene unfold from outside her body. It was Langdon’s touch again that brought her back to herself. He cupped the side of her head to angle it back into the water. Plastic crinkled in her ear, and from her periphery, she could see Frank tearing open one of the standard issue hospital combs with his teeth. He worked it through the kinks in her waves until he could pull it all the way down from her scalp to the frayed ends she needed to get trimmed.

Mel was solemn and still as he worked. There was something intimate hanging in the air between them. Like the steam was walling them in, creating a barrier to protect this moment from the prying eyes of their gossiping coworkers.

Frank filled his hands with the mint shampoo Mel had grabbed from the supply closet and started to work it into her scalp. Mel sighed with an almost inaudible groan of relief that unknowingly sent Frank’s stomach into knots. For once, she allowed herself to enjoy something just for her. The way his hands felt in her hair, the strength of his presence behind her, the way he drew his breaths with a small shudder as he tried to hold it together. Now wasn’t the time. They both knew that.

“Almost done,” his voice was a hoarse whisper less than an inch from her ear.

“Okay,” she whispered back.

How long could it take to rinse one person’s hair? She hoped the answer was forever. But it wasn’t forever. The seconds between them were quickly slipping away like the lather from her hair circling the drain. Still, he ran the length of her hair through his hands a few more times than necessary. They both knew it.

“There,” he finally conceded.

For a second, they both stood statue still, feeling miles apart without his hands anchoring them together.

Mel couldn’t bear the loss, and turned quickly to bury herself in his chest. Frank let out a heavy breath and wrapped his arms around her. Her head fit right in the space beneath his chin just like he knew it would. His right hand held tight to her shoulder while his left cradled her head, scratching the base of her skull gently where he noticed she had enjoyed it a few minutes before. Neither one of them spoke. Words seemed insufficient to name what was happening between them.

Frank pressed his lips to the top of her head and held them there. Mel nuzzled her nose against his collarbone in response, and his grip around her tightened. He didn’t even care if she could tell how fast his heart was beating beneath his scrubs. In fact, he hoped she noticed, that it confirmed something for her that he had been too afraid to say out loud.

When the water all too quickly started to run cold again, Frank was the first to break the newest spell of silence. “We should probably get out of here.”

Mel nodded against him and pulled away from him quickly, knowing neither of them could afford to linger in this in between space much longer. She reached to turn the water off while Frank made his way to the door. “I’m just in the next room if you need me.”

“Frank.”

He paused, and she turned to face him.

“Thank you.”

She offered a tiny smile and he cocked his head to the side while she dried her face with one of the scratchy hospital towels, waiting until her glasses were back on her face so she wouldn’t miss the softness of his face when he said, “I would do anything for you, Mel.”

He watched the way she absorbed his words before she thoughtfully replied, “I know.”

He smiled, boyish and quick, brushing the wet hair back from his face before he ducked out of the room.

They both dried themselves the best they could and changed into fresh clothes aside from their soggy sneakers. Mel peeked out of the bathroom to find him exiting the adjacent room at the same time with his bag slung over his shoulder and a Pirates cap on his head. Her hair was falling around her face in waves, and he wanted so badly to run his hand through them again.

“Are you hungry?” Mel asked, quirking her mouth to the side like she was unsure of what to do next.

“Starving,” he grinned.

They fell into step together and ducked out the door before anyone from night shift could rope them into staying any longer. Frank opened the door to his truck and offered her a hand up that they both held on to a fraction of a second longer than necessary. While he backed out of his parking spot, they were laughing loudly about the puddles that were still in their shoes.

When he looked at her and smiled, she didn’t hide this time, basking the quiet admiration that flowed between them. One hand gripped the wheel with her hair tie still around his wrist, and the other reached to brush her hair back behind her ear. Last winter she had told him that he never let her down, and he would do everything he could to keep it that way.