(rips out facial hair with tweezers)
(hides lower face with scarf and wears nail polish / makeup in public)
Brain: But like, am I sure I want to be seen as a girl?
(Looses 15kg and starts taking better care of her health)
(Actually starts to like aspects of how she looks and takes selfies)
Brain: I feel better because I'm improving my life, this doesn't prove I'm trans. And I'm afraid that not being a girl means I'll lose my motivation and go back to the way I lived before.
(Remembers secretly listening to my sister's "girl" audiobooks as a child)
Brain: This doesn't have to mean anything. Guys can like feminine things. And where were all the other signs? Why did I never even consider the possibility of being or becoming a girl?
(Has started getting annoyed when referred to as a man / with he/him pronouns)
Brain: I'm mad because I feel disrespected. I asked them to use she, and they don't. Anyone would feel annoyed if something so seemingly simple wasn't acted on.
On some days, it's hard to tell whether I'm trying to convince myself that I'm trans or that I'm not.
So I go through all the little things that I can't deny.
Like getting goosebumps when being called a young lady in stardew valley.
Like crying when being called a pretty girl by some random youtube short.
Like the extreme happiness I felt when someone held the door for me while I was presenting more fem for the first time.
I hold these moments close to my heart. They may not be a decade long record of disphoria, but they are real.
To me, they are like little candles strewn through a dark maze. I may not know where exactly I'm going, and the paths seem lonely and cold. But everytime I find one, I take it with me, my surroundings get a bit brighter, I get a bit warmer, and I know that I am on the right track.
