i saw some post on twt showing off a dom/sub relationship where both people got a say on how the other presented themself - clothes, hair, makeup, down to the soap/perfume they wore, the colour of their clothes. it was really attractive…. seriously the ideal.

i think it’s fine for me to live like this. maybe i’m just too masochistic. the world is horrible and painful and i like it 🆗

i’ve always had a very pessimistic attitude towards love. even when i was a kid like 9, 10, 11, i thought “nobody would ever like me in that way. i’ll be alone forever.” despite how desperate i wanted to be loved, it would just never happen. not as a good or bad thing, just a simple fact. so i think when i started dating in my teens, i was really surprised!! i don’t talk to any of my past lovers, some of those relationships ended on a neutral note, some were quite painful. but now that i’ve been single for a while, that pessimistic mindset has started crawling its way back. i wish for true romantic, sexual love so desperately, but it’s something that feels just out of my reach. maybe i will be alone forever. maybe i deserve it.

i have a bad habit of getting attached to people in a way that isn’t consistent or sustainable. i’m quick to jump the gun and think: “i like this person,” “i want to get to know them, “let’s be friends,” “maybe i’m attracted.” but it’s so quick to burn out. things rarely last. in comparison i realize so many of my long term relationships have come unexpectedly. maybe i’m just too impulsive. maybe i just set my expectations too high.

love should be as twisted and painful as possible, right?

i honestly feel so bad for my future darling. i’m such a selfish and hypocritical person,i stun myself sometimes. i have such strict rules for how my darling should act, think, who they should talk to. but i would never apply those rules to myself. i’m such a sociable person, the thought of being solely isolated would drive me mad. though i think it could be appealing in a yan4yan relationship,, a long, satisfying game where i’m ripped away from those i love, broken down bit by bit till it’s just the two of us forever, right?

i seriously hate casual dating culture. it’s all dating apps and hookups and one off dates. it just drains the life out of me, i can’t stand it.

i wish for a love so strong and all encompassing it destroys both of us. like a pressure building day after day, week after week, month after month. till we’re crushed beneath its weight.

my obsession is honestly pathetic. i feel it so intensely, deep in my chest - love, infatuation, lust, jealousy. just to bottle it all up. let myself wallow in my own feelings. i’m so weak willed.

maybe it’s really sad to say but i miss my ex sometimes… not on a personal level, i wish they’d seriously drop dead. but just the feeling of being with them. the anxiety and dread, the jealousy that would crawl its way up my throat when they’d talk about their friends. made me sick. but i can’t help but want a relationship like that again. it’s a desire to be miserable i guess.

i find stalking to be something really intimate and enjoyable. like idk i think there’s a lot of fun just on a surface level, slowly picking up the pieces of someone’s life, learning more and more about them… it’s not that far off from people watching. but on another level, there is a very personal aspect to it. i’ve stalked people i love, people i hate, random strangers. i love being so close to others.