diamond dreams. lucite expectations

I've always hated being alone. Now it's so easy to leave me alone. Hours made up of blocks of emptiness waiting for affection that has never been there and will never come. I'm almost perfect. Push me into a room and leave. Stab a button and run to the next thing. It's easy to get away from the problem I've become. Soon I'll be silent and motionless., perfect. Silent. Unable to complain. Then I'll be perfectly positioned to be placed in the order desired. And I'll be alone

the answer to anything that i complain about is to be happy for what care i get. The response to anything I'm upset about is that I'm being difficult, give him more drugs. I've learned that no one understands me absent of context. Direction instructions are pointless, left, right, forward, or back are all based on individual context. More advance than that is wasted effort. if

not long now

I shouldn't ask for your help. You get so mad

im too afraid to die but I hate being alive

I'm napping more and more which means I won't wake up

so bizarre that some questions you'll ask over and over. Other's I won't even get a chance to think about before you've answered yourself for me and it is always the wrong choice.

My best friend through blood. My sword and shield. United together, the strength of two against anything. my brother

i believe I've worn out my support network to the point they have gone to the other side. No more protection for me

i struggle to stay? Awake even while writing, this and i believe dementia is catching me. I am afraid to sleep

that which was behind me now stands in the periphery. Darness encloaked and draped in white light. It's just a manifestation that my brain has given up its fight

i got you the poloroid so you could take pictures of us to remember me. I'm immeasurably hurt that your mother tries to protect you by keeping you from me. I suppose i understand. We both want to shield you from pain and wrap ourselves up in your joy. You are so smart and i can see that you and I think alike. When no one else knows what I'm saying, you do. When everyone else finishes sentences I'm trying to write wrongly, you finish them exactly as I would. You are my joy and im sorry you have to go through this with me. I'm sorry your mother's fear has taken over. She does what she does and there is no changing it. notes to my daughter

people wait for me to type half of a sentence and then fill in their own ending before I can finish. They are always wrong about what I'm saying and the ending they fill in is always angry

never choose, "good enough" when there is so much extraordinary. notes to my daughter

I'm trapped inside myself beating bloodied fists against the soundproof glass that is my eyes.

hospice is killing me.