// i have a lot to do today my mood swings don’t seem to want to cooperate with me on that end. i have to drive 1 and a half miles for 2 doctor appointments, write something for my application for the doctorate program i’m trying desperately to get into, convert that to pdf somehow, also work on the cv/resume that’s been sucking my soul out the past 3 or 4 days. and i still haven’t been able to get hold of the head of the department i need to talk to at that university. all this while i’m rapid cycling (it’s a bipolar thing). and home life is not...it’s not ideal. i want to drive away somewhere and disappear. not come back. i hardly have enough money to last me the rest of the month. but that’s every month. this is every month. this is how it goes. because no jobs are hiring except the ones that would severely trigger my ptsd. and yes, i’m going to therapy for it. yes, i’m working on it. yes, i’m trying to leave my ‘comfort zone.’ if i hear the lecture one more time i’m going to put my head through a window. i’m being asked what’s wrong now by people who assume it’s online drama related and no. it’s not. i don’t...frankly have time for online drama right now. it’s not. it’s rl related. and the fact that i can barely make myself get out of bed. and i’m still pushing to make my life better somehow. i don’t even know how anymore. i don’t know how i’m going to make it to the end of this week.
my doctor wants me in a hospital. but if i do that they’ll hold me for i-don’t-know-how-many-days. and i need these next few days to finish the application for the doctorate program. not to mention the civil service test i want to take. i just...i can’t. i can’t check myself in. i might need a hospital right now. but i can’t do it.
