Loving Your Vulnerabilities

You were never on my side.

“The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in”

I want to give up.

What is meant to be, will always find a way. What isn’t meant to be will slip away even if I try my absolute hardest.

“What did I do to ever deserve this?”

“We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love.” - Dr. Seuss

Pig Pig Chu 😭😭

The thing about being at a “peak” is that it doesn’t and won’t get better than this. This is the peak of her love for me and you - whether we’re struggling or sick. This is it. She won’t love me more than she loves me now. Only in this moment, I’m more than enough for her - and yet, I’m spending every moment racing to be more so I could be enough for her in the future.

I remember once I wrote a letter to my parents. After years of being told I was useless and being highlighted all these negative traits, I was fed up. I was fed up with my internal war - of being programmed to think I was nothing but dirt but also recognizing and struggling that I had more potential than that. I wrote, “I don’t want to be any plain gemstone, I am a diamond - a valuable stone created by continuous pressure.” From that day on, that realization would continually battle my programmed self-doubt. I never imagined myself to be the biggest or clearest, or roundest or brightest - most perfect diamond. Maybe just a tiny one, sparkling amidst the dirt in the Arizona grounds.

boop

How do I make someone fear losing me when he wants me to get lost? Fuck. I can’t.