█ ▌┆❤ ( HEADCANON ) A RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVE
This is a complicated one for many reasons you already know. Saika’s influence on such things has caused her views to twist and contort into something it’s not. Saika feeds off of love, she devours it like a monster, mercilessly but with great passion. The demon blade wishes to love humanity specifically, she wants to show affection but as a blade she cannot do so with hugs and kisses. But instead slashings, wounds made by a blade, through drawing blood. Saika is also the one who was supposed to feed of Anri’s emotions, the emotion of love specifically. However because of Anri’s traumatic childhood and confusion facing what love truly was, Saika was unable to take control. Instead, Anri uses Saika, who loves the most to love for her, a girl who cannot love. To Anri, Saika was a missing piece that she used to fill the hole in her heart. It doesn’t fit exactly of course, like taking a piece from one puzzle and trying to finish a separate puzzle with it. Jamming it in place, it doesn’t line up quite right. It is a bit complex how her relationship with love has developed as time went on, seeing many different types of ‘love’ over the years.
Anri’s perception of the world remains warped. She is delusional and it’s primarily come from her upbringing and poor coping mechanisms. First of all her mother Sayaka has shown her love all her life, but that love was distorted as well. Her mother protected her, comforted her, and made sure she was as safe as she could be. Sayaka was an incredibly loving mother both to her daughter and towards her abusive husband. This was to a fault, not wanting to break the family apart despite the abuse. This may have been due to Sayaka being the previous owner of Saika. She was also the original ‘slasher’. Sayaka showed her love distortions through her undying loyalty to her husband who was extremely abusive. She would protect Anri from his wrath but never left with her young daughter either. She continued to love him with all her heart and wanted to convince Anri that he loved them still even if his constant abuse continued to escalate. Since Anri loved her mother and trusted her, she would also try and believe that ‘love’ was something that could conquer all. That ‘love’ was what her father felt despite his actions. That all she needed to do was ‘love’ and everything would be ok. This was the beginning of her confusions. That how could papa love me if he does such things? Should I believe what my mama says because I love her don’t I?
Eventually Sayaka was unable to hold back any longer. She was still a mother, and no matter how intense Saika’s hold on her was, no matter how much she repressed it all came to ahead when that man tried to kill her daughter. Sayaka murdered Anri’s father before he could take her daughter’s life, and swiftly commit suicide afterwards to prevent herself from attacking Anri too. After her parents brutal death Anri obtained Saika who showed her what love could be, and what should be. This was Saika’s views however, and not technically Anri’s. But from what she knew, from how her mother treated her, so kindly and with gentleness and caring Anri couldn’t comprehend why Saika would want to hurt others. She began to understand soon though. Saika, once again, was but a blade without a body but possessed a soul. Trying desperately to make sense of such a thing played a main component soon after her parent’s death and into her time with Akabayashi (a yakuza officer who held affections for Sayaka and became Anri’s legal guardian). However over time she began to become sympathetic towards the tortured blade whom she had to suppress for a while. Until she began to loosen her grasp.
Soon into her teenage years her recognition of what love was, any type of love, soon began to deteriorate. Something she could not fully comprehend by herself. She saw that Saika wanted to love, and that it was true love and not infatuation. At least that’s what she saw in the demon. Viewing Saika as somewhat misunderstood she continued to let her grip loosen, to use her instead of suppression. Since she was supposed to be loving for her. She believed herself to be parasite, a monster to an extent for letting her do this, for using her and others.
Mika was the one to cause Anri’s emotions to stir. As stated in canon Anri could not differentiate love from friendship involving Mika. This confused her of course and made her perceptions warp again. She wasn’t sure what to do, or what to think and then Saika was able to call upon her children in those moments of weakness. Haruna then showed up with her rouge faction and Anri finally came to terms with her abilities, full understanding of Saika and what she wanted to do with her life onward. Haruna showed her love through obsession and jealousy, being violently possessive of her love. Anri watched this girl fall apart over a single person whom she claimed to love.
Anri views love as something she lacks, something that needs to be made up for. She wants to be ‘human’ once again and she does not believe she can be that if there is a missing piece. She sees love in Saika, she knows that Saika’s love is real love. Love is something she tries to avoid as well, not wanting to disturb any emotions she may have on that part, leaving all up to the demon inside her.
Love will forever be something close to her heart and yet distant. She cannot move too close to it or else she will start to feel once again. She wishes to be detached from such a thing and she almost fears it and what it can do. But Anri also has a deep bond with Saika, and Saika loves, and Saika is mother, and Saika has children in humanity who all love it, Then is Anri also Saika? Does Anri also love these ‘children’ of hers? The masses who follow her orders and sing her praises? She does gift them with memories and experiences to defend themselves, she does care for each ‘child’s well being. But is that love? Or is that feeling responsible?
Love is an emotion but so much more. She lacks it in her heart and yet she lives and breathes it every day. She was once frightened by it, then confused by it. She doesn’t want love to become something prominent in her life. Her friends and those she thinks of to be close are in danger if she were to let her emotions go. She distances herself from others, in turn becoming very lonely and thus causes Saika to weep. She claims to be unable to love but that isn’t completely true either. She will fight ruthlessly for her friends, their happiness and her happiness. She can flip the switch from being sweet and nervous to down right cold and terrifying. Her heart is in the right place but the ways she gets things done can be questionable. But with a demon blade living within her she only has so many choices. The world she lives in, the city, her life is unforgiving. She tries her hardest but sometimes her hardest isn’t enough. It’s not just a matter of being incapable of love, but she herself being unable to recognizing it.
