Love & Poetry

Nabibighani ako sa galaw ng mga alon - papunta, pabalik. Malapit nang magtaib noong napansin ko ito at unti-unti kong napansin ang pagsuyo ng karagatan sa dalampasigan. Dahan-dahang lalapit ito sa pampang - nagpapakilala, ipapakitang pwedeng pagkatiwalaan hanggang sa tuluyan nang umakyat ang tubig at nasama na sa walang kasiguraduhan ang linalapitang pampang. Ganito tayo nagkakilala, ganito mo nakuha ang loob ko. Hanggang tuluyan akong nasakop.

Takot ang mga tao sa hindi nila alam, kaya palang takot akong maging masaya, kaya nang humatsing ako na may kasamang uhog, nagulat ako nang sinabi mong "Okay lang, tanggap pa rin kita. " Masarap pala sa pakiramdam na matanggap ng iba, kaya madali akong inalon.

Takot ang mga tao sa hindi nila alam, kaya kapag lumalangoy sila, hindi sila lumalayo sa pampang. Pagkatapos ng taib, lalayo na muli ang mga alon, muling masisilayan ng araw ang dalampasigan. Ganito tayo pinaglayo - bumalik na ang mga alon sa kanilang pinanggalingan, sa lugar na hindi pa nito napupuntahan. Iniwan ang lupang sinanay sa pagsasama sa iba. Siguro nagustuhan ko lang ang pakiramdam ng paglunod - ang mabuwal sa nasobrahan, kaya nalunod nang iniwan.

Takot ang mga tao sa hindi nila alam, at hindi ko alam kung kailan kong malalampasan ang kalungkutan. Ilang isla na ang namamagitan sa tubig at lupang dating pinagtagpo ng tadhana - ng kasiguraduhang siguradong hindi pa natutuklasan. Ang takot na hindi pwedeng (hindi kayang) takasan.

Takot ang mga tao sa hindi nila alam, kaya sila humihiling sa mga bulalakaw sa langit, kaya pinipilit ng karagatang sugpuin ang dalampasigan tuwing taib. Dahil gusto ng karagatang makapiling ang langit - ang mga bituing nasa pisngi ng iba. Wala itong pakialam kung masasalanta nito ang lupa.

Lumipas ang oras, araw, at linggo Ako na naman ay nabigo Sabihin mo sakin kung ilan pa Baka nama'y abutin to ng isa pa?

Lalayo naman na talaga ako gusto ko lang malaman ang sagot mo Kaya pa din ako naririto Na nag aabang sa pagdating mo

Alam ko namang di mo ako maharap Dahil sa gawain mong sandamakmak Ito nama'y naiintindihan ko Dahil iyan ay para sa iyo

Ngunit di ko naman kayang ganito lagi Dahil ang puso ko'y sayo namamalagi Nawawala na naman kasi ako Di ko na magpagtanto

Sa iyo nga ba ako dapat? Sayo ba dapat ang puso kong tapat? Sana nama'y magbago Habang di pa nagkaka gulo

I never gave up on love. I always thought maybe one day I would find a love that's real. Every time I thought I did, I turned out to be wrong. There comes a point where you've been wrong so many times that you just finally stop believing..

Maybe it was when you mistook a dead star for love. When all that's left were the remnants of the feelings you had light-years ago. They were only memories, because in reality, those feelings didn't exist anymore.

Maybe it was when he told you he loved you but not as much as you wanted him to. When he held your hand, walked you home one cold night, and suddenly left you in tears because it was convenient. Because he had found another.

Maybe it was when you thought you could change him. That you could finally make him happy because you were the missing piece. But all that prevailed was selfishness and in the end, you completely destroyed each other.

Maybe it was when he promised not to take away your virginity and did so anyway. It was just one night but that changed everything. And all the excuse he could give was that he got carried away, and you couldn't blame him because you fucking gave in.

Maybe it was when you started hating yourself for being a doormat. When he treated you so bad but you sucked it all up because he was the love of your life. You were so willing to fight tooth and nail for him and yet he gave it all up.

Maybe it was when he told you he couldn't live without you. But when you guys broke up, you could still fucking hear him breathing. And he was seen in public making out with another girl just a week after.

Maybe it was when you had doubts but he finally made you believe his love was real. Because he had told you many times over. But he never told you about that night he had sex with his ex while you two were still together.

Maybe it was when he slapped you several times because he couldn't control his anger. When he kicked you and you begged him to stop. When he came to his senses, hugged you tight, and said he was sorry. But he was never sorry for the beating that continued a few weeks after.

Maybe it was when you made a big mistake and he regretted even meeting you. He wanted to get you out of his skin so bad that he hurt you emotionally and verbally until you've had enough. But for him, it was never enough. You were never enough.

Maybe it was when he broke your heart and you broke his.

Or maybe it was not just one time. Maybe it was all those times you cried.

All those times you were alone in bed trying to figure out what went wrong. How the hell did things end up the way they did?

Maybe it was never real to begin with.

Or maybe you weren't capable of loving that's why you never had love.

You never had love because it's just something human beings invented to mess up with your already fucked up life.

Summer of 2012 when I said I love you,

I was so glad because you love me too.

We’ve been together and build our dreams;

With one another, we can achieve.

We face, we fight the struggles of love and life;

We laughed and cried but never gave up.

People come and others go;

But we chose to stay and it’s nice to know.

The God above gave us a lot of test;

And all but one, we passed and aced.

Change is inevitable, even our love can’t conquer;

And in that test, we failed and struggled.

You fell out of love;

You chose to end what we had.

It hurts so much, I want to die;

Couldn’t count the nights I cried.

It hurts to know I’m not the one you’re thinking of;

It hurts to know your everything is new;

It hurts to know that you don’t care for me;

It hurts to know that you don’t love me.

You gave me so much pain but I can’t hate you.

Never will I regret the days I spent with you;

‘Cause one way or another you made me smile;

Those days we spent were blissful times.

For all the days that you we’re mine;

I thank the Lord, for it’s like cloud nine.

I’ll also thank you for making me happy;

With all the love that you could give me.

You were my one great love, but now I’m letting you go

It doesn’t mean that I’ll forget you though.

Goodbye for now, and I love you;

Please don’t forget that once there’s me and you.

[Me & You]

Minsan, may nakapagsabi sa akin na ang hindi raw marunong magpatawad ay hindi makapagsusulat. Kaya mahal, sa pagkakataong ito, sa huling pagkakataon na magsusulat ako ng tula para sa’yo, gumawa tayo ng kasunduan. Patatawarin kita, pero patatawarin mo rin ako.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagtahan at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagluha.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pananahimik at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagsasalita.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pag-alis at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pananatili.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko sa’yo paglimot at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo sakin pagpili.

Mahal, gumawa tayo ng kasunduan. Patatawarin kita, pero patatawarin mo rin ako.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagbitiw at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagkapit.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko paglayo at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo paglapit.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagsuko at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagsugal.

Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagkamuhi sa’yo at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo sakin pagmamahal.

Mahal, gumawa tayo ng kasunduan. Patatawarin kita, pero patatawarin mo rin ako. Para sa wakas ay matapos ko na itong tula na masyado nang matagal na nakatira dito at patawad kung magiging masyadong mahaba at marami masyadong buladas pero pangako.. huli na ‘to.

Ito na ang huling tula na isusulat ko para sa’yo. Mali. Ito na ang huling tula na isinulat ko tungkol sa’yo.

It’s hard to get rejected.

I of all people should know this because it’s happened to me a thousand times before. Ever since I first fell in high school and asked that special girl to the senior prom and waited for her reply even though deep down I knew that she was only going to give me the inevitable “no”.

It’s not that I like getting rejected although I might as well get used to it. Hell, no one in their right mind should be pessimistic enough to ask for that kind of fate every single time. Everyone deserves someone, and they say that if destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love, well, rejections are just the signs that would eventually lead you to the right direction.

Bullshit.

I don’t know what the thing is about me.

I do good, eat three full meals a day, try to abide by the unwritten code of in-awkwardness and yet I always find that I am simply not right for her; always.

No matter what I do, or how hard I try, or how much I feel, it’s as if I am destined to fail all the time. It’s usually either because she’s in love with someone else, or is already taken. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the universe trying to play a cruel game on me. That with every broken heart, someone out there is just laughing.

Or maybe it really is just me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a good Catholic: I go to mass every Sunday, even serve as a lector every once in a while, go to confession frequently, and pray every night. I keep my grades high; I put my family first, always. I spend most of my time with my friends. I like my friends. I talk to them, listen to them, care for them, and I make sure that I help them in any way I could because that’s how much they mean to me. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel rather selfish. Why can’t someone care back? Or why is there no one to ask me stupid questions or take notice when I’m down or depressed or sick? I wonder, however, if it is a sickness to think too much the way I am doing now. Hell, what I’m writing must not be really making sense to you my beloved friend and so I understand if you’ve abandoned this piece that I am writing.

I’m not normally like this. I like to keep things short, straight, simple, proper. It’s just because of, well, everything. Yes, everything. Everything is frustrating.

It’s frustrating that somehow I believe that the universe is responsible for everything – that some force greater than our own is the reason behind my sadness. Yes, I am sad. It’s sad that I can’t be with her. It’s sad that she’s not the one. It’s frustrating to think that I may be waiting for someone whom I’ve yet to meet; better yet, I’m frustrated because I don’t know if I ever will. I’m frustrated because I allow destiny and the universe to play these cruel tricks on my heart. I’m afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I try to connect, she does nothing but brush me off and push me away. And yet, she has the power over me to pull me back in whenever she wishes to. I hate that this doesn’t make any sense and that I have yet to fully learn how to let go. I hurt myself and I don’t know if she’s aware of it.

And I hate you my reader. For this should not have left the dark room I’ve prepared in my mind; a room where I must hide all the bitterness and the sadness and the bewilderment. For it is the duty of the strong to forever lock these emotions away so that others won’t have to feel as sad or as bitter.

I hate that I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I hate the question “Why”.

I hate the song Someday We’ll Know because I am afraid I never will.

I hate how things get darker when you get older – how idealism turns into realism.

I hate how it seems that it is easier to just be sad and lonely and depressed – that happiness can only be pursued and that indeed it is a struggle that has a lost cause.

She's got all my dreams I've got these broken things And they always disagree But if there's one real thing You would choose to believe Just don't lose your faith in me She's got broken things Where her heart should be And I keep rolling them over in my head Make my voice brand new I'll give it all to you And I'll never speak again

Para sa isang natatanging bituin Kailan ma'y 'di magiging akin

Para sa pusong matagal nang ligaw Sa pagmamahal mo'y uhaw na uhaw

Para sa pag-ibig na tinatago Anumang gawi'y 'di magbabago

Para sa taong pinapangarap Kaligayahan sana'y iyong mahanap

You who never arrived in my arms, Beloved, who were lost from the start, I don't even know what songs would please you. I have given up trying to recognize you in the surging wave of the next moment. All the immense images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected turns in the path, and those powerful lands that were once pulsing with the life of the gods- all rise within me to mean you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all the gardens I have ever gazed at, longing. An open window in a country house--, and you almost stepped out, pensive, to meet me.  Streets that I chanced upon,-- you had just walked down them and vanished. And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows? perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

gayun nga'y magkatulad tayong hirang at nasasaklaw nitong silid alipin ng mapaglarong panahon at mga sutil na pintakasi.

malayang lumibot at maglaro, magpaikot-ikot hanggang mahilo. ngunit malaya nga talaga kayang maituturing?

kung sa 'sang libo't higit na paglibot ni minsa'y 'di nagtama, 'di nagbunggo? pamuntiin mang lubos yaring puwang ay 'di pa rin magkakasalatan.

gayun nga'y magkapareho tayong napaloloob sa iisang espasyo at gaano man karingal ang damdamin, itong pagsintang namamagitan sa atin

tila nabalangkas nang kabiguan pagkat ikaw at ako'y pumapaindayog sa magkaibang tugtog at 'di gapos ng iisang panahon.