idk

“Hi, hello. Here for Mrs. Styles–”

The older nurse gave him a sympathetic look “I know, hon’. Good news, though. She’s just been discharged! I’ll buzz you in.”

Harry’s eyes brightened for a moment then he cursed under his breath “Really? I missed the doctor?”

“You’ve been here round the clock, don’t beat yourself up. You can still talk to him if you like, he’s not finished with his rounds, so you’ll have to wait a bit.”

Harry nodded absentmindedly and hesitated, not knowing where he should be waiting for the doctor. 

“You can go get her, I’ll come let you know when he’s done.”

“I, uhm, wanted to speak to him in private.”

“I see.” the nurse gestured for him to sit in the waiting room, instead “He won’t be much longer. Good thing you went home to shower, huh?” she tried joking but it landed on deaf ears. He also didn’t budge, opting to stand rather than sit. She leaned in, lowering her voice a tad “Honey, I’ve worked my whole life on this ward. It will be alright, trust me. I know it’s a traumatic experience, but it’s more common than you think. She’s young. She’s strong. It’ll be fine.”

Harry couldn’t even look her in the eye. He knew she meant well, and he knew she was right. But it stung as though she’d cursed at him. How dared she make light out of this. It wasn’t just traumatic, it was tragic. Their unborn baby had died! He had half a mind to lash out at her but he kept it well in check. 

He kept everything in check. 

For her.

He needed to be her rock right now, and he couldn’t break down. He couldn’t afford to give in to his feelings, not for a moment. He’d cried his eyes out in the shower earlier and he then used some of his eyedrops for when his eyes got too tired from his eyeglasses to get rid of the redness. He couldn’t risk her seeing him like this. No. He needed to be strong, needed to be the shoulder she would cry on.

Because she hadn’t cried at all.

And he knew that wasn’t normal. He knew she was in shock. He knew she needed to process it all. But he didn’t know how to navigate this. Didn’t know what to say to her, what to tell her to comfort her pain.

He knew her. He knew the dark places she went to. He knew how she kept things to herself and hid her pain and how she’d only learned to be vulnerable with him in her whole life.

But now, she wasn’t letting him in, for the first time in a long time. And it was killing him more than anything. 

For the 2 days she’d been there, she hadn’t spoken much. Barely eaten. Slept a lot. He sweet talked the nurses into letting him sleep with her, but they’d signal him to get out before the doctors’ visits. She didn’t push him away. But she didn’t let him hold her either. She just shrugged his arm off whenever he tried to hold her in their sleep. 

He had a feeling she didn’t want him there at all.

He had a feeling she was blaming him for having this happen to her in the first place.

And he wouldn’t blame her if she did.

But he wasn’t going to budge. Not now, not ever. 

They promised eachother forever, and he was sticking to the end of his deal for dear life.

“Oh, there he goes. Go talk to him, I’ll have her discharge forms ready to sign by the time you come back.”

He nodded at her, not quite finding the will to thank her, and rushed after the doctor. He introduced himself as his patient’s husband and he immediately recognized the name “Ah, yes. I did want to talk to you, myself. I’ve just discharged her, as I’m sure the nurses already informed you. Physically, she’s fine. But as with most of these cases, I’m not seeing an improvement in her mood. It’s to be expected, but can be dangerous, if we’re not too careful. I don’t mean to instil panic, but I’ve seen this take a turn for the worst and I’m just being extra cautious. There’s no reason why she wouldn’t bounce back and make a full recovery, both physically and mentally, but aside from a checkup in 3 weeks time, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to be in charge of taking note of her mental health progress. If possible, don’t leave her alone, at least for a week. Try and fall back into normal routines, reinstate a sense of normalcy as much as possible. It’s not an easy process, but as I’ve told her, this is, unfortunately, quite common and there is no reason why you shouldn’t give it another go as soon as she’s feeling up for it again. See you in 3 weeks time. Take care.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

This is mundane to him. Like checking groceries through a cash register. This is his job, she’s just another item he scans every day. And their baby just another broken jam jar, to be cleaned up on aisle five and written off the inventory.

It infuriated Harry, the nonchalance, the air of detachment. This was human life, how can they treat it like the world hadn’t suffered a great loss?

His whole world, gone in a blink of an eye.

It was just there. Right under the palm of his hand. He could feel it, when he spoke to it, when he tried sheltering it under his protection. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

He couldn’t save it, he couldn’t save their baby. No matter how fast he got her into the car, no matter how many red lights he ran, he couldn’t get her there fast enough for the real heroes to save it. 

Turns out the real heroes didn’t really give a damn. Or maybe they did, but they sure had a funny way of showing empathy. 

Harry wondered whether he was doing this wrong. He didn’t want to show her how much he was hurting, to protect her. Maybe she mistook it for indifference. Maybe she thought he was treating this the same way the nurses and the doctor were. 

But he didn’t know how to approach her, not when she was so closed off. It seemed like it only took one wrong move for her to slip through the cracks. After the way they’d lost their child, so quickly, so unexpectedly, after the way he’d lost her before the same way, he couldn’t risk anything.

Making his way back to the front desk, he was surprised to find Y/N waiting for him in a wheelchair, a male nurse near it ready to aid in wheeling her to his car. Like he’d let anyone else do it. He’d never had let them put her in a wheelchair had he had it his way, but they wouldn’t just let her carry her in his arms whenever they needed to run tests that required her to get out of her hospital bed.

Seeing her in her regular clothes, out of that nightgown they’d given her, in a wheelchair, really didn’t sit well with him. But he knew better than to argue and make a scene. 

Her rock, that’s what he needed to be. No room for his wounded ego to act out. Or broken heart to cry out.

She was spacing out, not even noticing him approaching her. Would she ever look at him again without that underlying accusatory look? Or was he just imagining that? Without fighting tears off, looking away whenever she would feel her eyes start to flood. She wouldn’t even let him see her cry. If she ever did, she did it in complete silence. He didn’t see her shed a single tear apart from when it was happening and they took her in to… finish it off, snatching her out of his arms, where he couldn’t reassure her or hold her hand or just be there for her, damnit. She had to go through it alone. As if it’d been her baby alone, as if she was meant to endure all that alone. 

She’d never even wanted the baby to begin with. 

Of course she blamed him for everything.

He’d been the one to convince her they were ready for this, that everything would be ok, that this would help heal them more than anything. Not that babies were meant to be used as a means to mend broken hearts or relationships, because he didn’t believe in that at all. 

But he knew a baby would help heal her wounded inner child, would allow her to recreate the family she’d always craved for as a child. 

And a baby would give him the family he’d been robbed of all those years ago. It would give him a second try and parenthood, would give him all the moment’s he’d craved for, all the experiences he’d missed while his daughter Emily grew up with her stepdad instead of him. 

He knew it’d happened for a reason, her getting pregnant the moment they were back together, without them even trying. It’d been fate, destiny, God, whatever higher power had cast its mercy upon them- these two broken hearts that could only heal together. 

But now it was taken away from them. 

Why had this happened? Harry couldn’t make any sense of it. Everything was going perfectly. Y/N was perfectly healthy, had been to all her early checkups, everything had been fine. There was nothing to forewarn this.

And most importantly, she wanted the baby. 

And she wanted him.

She’d said yes.

She’d never sounded more sure of anything in her life.

She’d never looked happier.

She’d never looked more beautiful than in that moment.

Except for when she said yes a second time, wearing white.

Looking at her now, she seemed a totally different person.

She was still his Y/N. She was still the love of his life. But she was locked away somewhere, and if he wasn’t careful, he could lose her forever.

He crouched next to the wheelchair to get in her line of vision “Hey, sweetheart. Ready to go home?”

She lowered her gaze and nodded, not returning his warm smile.

“It’s alright, I’ll take it from here” he thanked the male nurse and assured him he’d leave the wheelchair in the designated area near the hospital ramp. He then signed the discharge forms and began wheeling her out of the hospital.

“I can walk, you know. I’m not an invalid.”

“I know baby, but it’s hospital policy. Do you think I didn’t fight them on this already? It’s fine, just a few metres, alright?”

She didn’t reply and he just took her to the car, thankfully he’d parked pretty close to the entryway. He held her hand, helping her off and then opened the passenger door for her “In you go. Good girl. I’ll just wheel this back before that guy comes for me, he seemed like he meant business.” 

It was odd, not even earning  a small smile out of her. She would always smile at his stupid jokes but now it was as though they landed on deaf ears. He kissed the top of her head and closed the door behind her carefully, took the wheelchair to the designated area as promised and sprinted back to the car. 

Letting her out of his sight for even just a moment felt imprudent. 

“So. What do you feel like doing? It’s nice out, still snowing. Feel like we should take advantage of this rare treat in London.”

“Just wanna go home.”

“Really? How about we stop by in Covent Garden? I bet they put out the Christmas decorations.”

“I really don’t feel up for it, Harry. Just take me to the apartment.”

“Don’t feel like eating anything?”

She shook her head, looking out the window at nothing in particular and he knew best than to keep pushing. So he strapped in her seatbelt for her, then his, and began driving them home.

Home was an improper term for the airbnb they’d lived in for the last few months. It’d proved to be quite the task finding their home in London. And now, he was glad for it. He couldn’t imagine having to live in that house for much longer, after what had happened. He wanted to bring it up with Y/N but he didn’t know if it was wise to do so this quickly. 

However, he did replace the bed while she’d been in the hospital. Not only was the mattress ruined and stained beyond repair, but he wouldn’t have had her near it again. He had to ask Mitch for help, since he would only leave her side to go shower, but he knew he’d be discreet about it and never mention it to Y/N. He could count on him.

If he had it his way, he’d never have them set foot in that apartment again, but he didn’t want to change things up when the doctor specifically told him to ease her back into old patterns and routines, to give her a sense of normalcy. 

So he tried to act as normal as possible. But deep down he wondered whether she felt like he was dismissing the gravity of what had happened, much like everyone at the hospital, thus invalidating her feelings. 

He didn’t know what to do. 

He was caught between being her rock and feeling like he should open up to her and break down in front of her. Tell her how he was feeling. 

‘Cause he felt as though his heart would never mend again.

They’d been so close to a gender reveal…

And now, somehow, it was as if none of that had ever happened.

What was he to do with all the love he felt for his child? His poor child, that never got to see the light of day. His child with whom he’d had so many plans already.

How was he supposed to act as though a part of him hadn’t died with it?

“Harry?”

He snapped out of it, focusing his gaze on his love. The only thing keeping him sane. He placed her bag on the table in the hallway and squeezed her hand, gesturing that he was listening.

“I asked if it was ok if I go lie down in the guest bedroom.”

“There’s no need to, sweetheart. I… uhm, I got rid of that bed. Alright? I wouldn’t have you near it. You can go lie down if you’re feeling tired. Want me to run you a bubble bath?”

“Uhm… they told me to avoid that for a few weeks.”

“Shit, right. I knew that. I’m so sorry. I would’ve remembered, wouldn’t have let you– I’m an idiot. Sorry. How about a shower, hm?”

“I… I don’t wanna go into the master bedroom.”

Harry’s eyes softened and he copper her face into his palms “Then don’t. Don’t do anything that upsets you, ok? Want me to change the sheets? They’ve been on there for ages.”

“Nobody slept in them, it’s fine…”

“Yeah but, let me just… air them out at least.”

“Harry. It’s fine. I just wanna go lie down.”

He watched her go into the guest bedroom and then rushed to bring her a change of clothes, expecting her to have gone in the en suite to take a shower. But he was stunned to see she’d already crawled under the comforter. In her street clothes.

Y/N would’ve never normally done that.

She wouldn’t even touch a bed without showering after coming from outside first, let alone let her street clothes touch the bedding (not to mention after forgoing showering for almost 3 days and relying on freshening up in the hospital sink and baby wipes.)

She was OCD like that, which he found endearing if a bit quirky. He specifically remembered making an argument out of how sometimes you’re just too tired to change let alone take a shower. 

Turns out he’d been right. But he wished he hadn’t. 

He decided to give her space, as she was wrapped safely under the comforter, and go put her laundry in the wash. 

Not the clothes she’d been rushed to the hospital in, of course. No, those he’d gotten rid of that first day. 

Since he hadn’t really been in the apartment for the past 2 days apart from grabbing a quick shower, he got busy clearing out the fridge and taking out the garbage, tidying up, dusting and then brooming (he wouldn’t risk vacuuming with Y/N napping) and mopping. 

Then he got to cooking, and he was facing a dilemma. Should he cook her usual favourite meals? She’d developed an interesting taste in food during her pregnancy. Surely none of those meals, then. No, maybe something from before. 

So he got to cooking spaghetti carbonara, one of her all time favourites. Surely she was sick of hospital food, which was probably why she hardly ate any of it. 

By the time he finished everything, he noticed the sun was setting. She’d slept the whole day away, which was exactly what she’d been doing at the hospital as well. 

He’d left the door to the guest bedroom ajar, and had been careful not to make much noise that whole time to keep an eye on her, and when he went to wake her up, she was in the exact same position she’d been laying in that whole time.

“Pretty?” he crouched next to her side of the bed, facing her “Time to get up, love. It’s late.”

She shifted slightly and then turned onto her other side altogether, facing away from him.

“Y/N? C’mon baby. Made you carbonara. What say?”

“Just wanna sleep…” she mumbled.

Harry sighed profusely, letting his head hang for a moment “You can’t sleep the whole day away, darling. Come on. Let’s watch a silly show together.”

“Harry… just leave me be. Please.”

His heart sank. He rested his forehead on the side of the bed and fought his tears off. How were they ever going to survive this? He didn’t know that his heart could take much more.

He needed her. He was hurting too. He wished she would comfort him for just a moment, enough so that he could gather his strength back and take over again. He needed her to tell him it’ll be alright. Needed her to tell him she was gonna be alright, that she was gonna smile again one day. 

That she didn’t hate him.

That she still loved him forever, like she’d promised him. For better or for worse. Because this was definitely worse.

He begrudgingly stood up and left the room, all the while fighting off the idea of how drowning his sorrows in alcohol seemed like the only temporary escape from this hell.

Because, unlike Y/N, he’d barely slept a wink for the past 72 hours.

He’d been sober ever since they’d gotten back together. He’d not touched a sip of alcohol. And he’d never been more tempted than right then and there. He felt so utterly alone, so desperately alone and clueless as to how to move on, how to keep on breathing, living. 

But he couldn’t give up. A quick glance back to the door left ajar and he made up his mind. 

After dutifully putting the food away, he stripped his pants and socks off, then carefully crawled into the guest bed next to her. This bed was smaller than their own, or rather, the new replacement he’d gotten. But it was definitely bigger than the hospital bed he’d slept on the edge of, careful not to interfere with any of the IV lines that were connected to her fragile arms.

He flinched, having to blink a few times, noticing it’d gotten noticeably darker  “Yes? What is it, baby?” Had she really called out to him? Or had he imagined it, having laid there for God knows how long staring at her turned away from him.

“... Are you ever going to forgive me?”

A/N: well, this is bittersweet. i'm excited to be posting this beginnign to the 3rd and final arc to the story, but of course my heart broke while writing this. hopefully y'all don't hate me too much 🥺 also i am very VERY excited to finally explore harry's pov! ❤️ just wanna reiterate how much feedback means to me and how hugely impactful it is on this story's continuity! i've been writing this for close to 2 years now! we're nearing the end! glad to have everyone on board for the ride! ❤️

💕 like & reblog if you’re enjoying this, lovelies, and most importantly, please come share your thoughts on it here 💌

You decided to tell Harry over lunch that Zayn had helped you book an appointment for a gynaecologist the following morning, deliberately omitting the fact that he was the doctor you’d be seeing. You knew best than to add fuel to the fire. 

When Harry pointed out you shouldn’t have sex prior to your appointment, and therefore there was no need to stop for condoms on your way back to the listing, you wanted to argue telling him there wouldn’t even be an examination, but then your cover would’ve been blown and he’d have gotten suspicious. So you swallowed down your frustration and let Harry console you when you got back to the townhouse, eating you out but making sure to edge you properly, stopping you on the brink of orgasm several times whilst making you suck him off, promising he’d let you come just as soon and he’d fill up that pretty mouth of yours. But he always pulled away right when you were about to do just that, and when you eventually realized he was edging himself too, he took his mouth off of you and brought his cock flush against your throbbing pussy, jerking himself off against your clit. Seeing and feeling him release made you finally orgasm as well and it was safe to say Mitch had been right about having to wipe down certain surfaces before you finished inspecting the townhouse.

You’d told Harry a bit about Zayn over lunch and he was much less on edge about the whole situation, hence him loving on you when you went back to the listing afterwards, but you knew he was toning it down for your sake. He was trying to fight his very valid insecurities and triggers, and you appreciated it more than you could express. That’s why, later that evening at the pub, waiting for Mitch and his wife, you asked Harry if he didn’t mind this being an early night since you had to wake up early for your appointment the following morning. You knew he’d wanna take you, and that was simply out of the question for obvious reasons, so you told him you wanted to do this on your own and see if you could manage by yourself navigating London like a little personal quest to boost your self esteem. He smiled at you and pulled you into his side in the booth, kissing the top of your head and praising you for being “such a brave little thing”. 

Sarah, Mitch’s wife, was a great person you could easily see yourself making friends with, as was Mitch. The evening was exactly what the two of you had needed, and you realized this was the first time you and Harry had been out like this. It was usually ever just the two of you, but your dynamic with another couple was another layer to your ever developing relationship. You loved to see Harry comfortable, in his element, with a dear friend of his with whom he shared so many good and funny memories that they both took turns recounting.

Harry was quite different socially, you noticed. He had a knack of making people laugh, his charm taking on a different facet. You hadn’t seen him like this in this sort of setting before and you were looking at him doe eyed, he was everything you could’ve ever wanted in a man, and he seemingly always found new ways to make you proud of being able to call him yours.

It still felt surreal to be there with him. This was all still so new to you, it all still seemed like a sweet dream you’d have to wake up from eventually. And every morning your heart caught in your throat expecting him to not be there anymore.

But rolling to your side after your alarm went off the following morning, you smiled at Harry who was peeking one eye open at you and then smiling back before pulling you flush against him. 

“No no, none of that, remember I have my appointment” you admonished when he began rubbing his morning wood against your thigh 

“If I weren’t so excited about the prospect of ditching these condoms I’d argue. As it is, though” he swatted your bum instead “Off you go to shower, missy”

“Ow! You brute. The sacrifices I have to endure just so you don’t have to wear a bit of latex…”

“You hate it just as much as I do” he grunted, stretching as you made your way to the bathroom. Thankfully this was the last day you’d be using this shower. You’d agreed on an airbnb over lunch the previous day, so that you could take your time seeing more listings Mitch had promised to show you without the pressure of finally getting out of that crabby flat. 

As soon as you turned the shower on and the small bathroom began to steam up, you felt a wave of nausea hit you. Which was weird, considering you’d skipped alcohol entirely at the pub just to be sure it wouldn’t affect your bloodwork in any way. You pushed it down and got through the shower, and rushed to get out the door as soon as possible, hoping the crisp morning air would help further.

Harry made fun of you, teasing you looked nervous about facing your first quest on the streets of London on your own, but you elbowed him and explained how you couldn’t figure out how long it would take you to get to the clinic and couldn’t solely rely on Google maps, thus making your escape quite rapidly. But you barely made it 2 blocks down the road before having to halt and puke your guts out on the side of the street, in front of visibly offended brits, no less. Somehow their judgement hit differently than it would have back home.

Mortified, but most importantly, concerned, you carried on and somehow, after buying a travel size toothbrush and toothpaste from a drugstore, you made it to the clinic and used their restroom to try and put yourself together. You helped yourself to a couple disposable cups from the water fountain in the lobby and you were soon informed that Dr. Malik was ready to see you in his office.

His beaming smile faded quickly when he took the state of you in “Y/N, are you alright? You’re pale as a ghost” he rushed towards you and had you sit in the nearest chair, crouching in front of you.

You shook your head “Ugh. I’m sorry. I was sick on the way here, vomited on the side of the road like a hobo. I brushed my teeth but I guess it didn’t really help matters much.”

“Is it something you ate, do you think? Lemme take your blood pressure. And have some water, here, I’ll add some glucose and electrolytes to it.”

“I drank plenty in the lobby…”

“Drink it” he pushed the cup in your hands after emptying a few sachets in it “Can’t draw any blood if you’re gonna pass out on me.”

You obeyed and then finally replied “I don’t think it’s something I ate. Harry has no symptoms that I know of, and we’ve been eating more or less the same stuff, and it’s happened before quite recently.”

Zayn’s brows furrowed as he towered over you and you finally looked up at him “How long have you been off birth control?”

“Ugh… a while… Over a year?”

“And during this time, was there any unprotected sex?”

Your blood froze immediately, seeing where this was going “I mean… Yeah? But…”

Zayn crouched back in front of you seeing you go pale again after barely gaining a bit of colour in your complexion “Hey. It’s just a possibility, ok? Let’s rule it out, and then we’ll see what else could be causing this. You said you just moved, could be stress induced, etcetera. But I can’t prescribe you birth control in good conscience without ruling that out. And to be fair I would’ve ran that anyway, it’s pretty standard procedure. I’ll speed up the results so that you don’t have to worry yourself into another episode ok?”

“Thank you” you mouthed and then let him help you off the chair and into the other room where your blood was drawn after he took your blood pressure and made sure you were stable. You then accepted his invite for brunch while you had to wait for the results. You told Harry you were grabbing a bite to eat while waiting for the expedited results to your blood work so you didn’t have to make the trip the following day, conveniently leaving out the fact that you’d be doing so with Zayn. 

Zayn was a doll, but your mind was running wild with the prospect of possibly being pregnant. He tried his best to distract you, and you tried your best to engage, you truly had missed him and did genuinely want to catch up, but you simply couldn’t detach. It was driving you crazy. So much so that you barely touched your food, partly in fear of being sick again, and partly because you simply couldn’t stomach anything. Not until you got your results back.

“Would it be that terrible? Being pregnant.”

You opened your mouth a few times to answer but, truth was, you didn’t even know the answer “I… I don’t know. I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think we’re ready. Harry’s ready though” you widened your eyes and laughed it off but Zayn was just observing you intently.

“I’m here for you, Y/N.” he reached his hand across the table to hold yours “I want you to know, I’m here for you, no matter what. I don’t know if that helps ease your mind at all, but whatever you decide, you’d not be alone. Alright?”

Your throat went dry at what he was implying and you couldn’t even begin to fathom doing this to Harry. Terminating a pregnancy when you knew how much he wanted to get a family started with you… the very thought of doing that, killed you. You could never crush his dreams like that.

But…

The fact remained that you didn’t feel ready, the thought of possibly being pregnant made your head spin and your insides churn and suddenly you felt like you were on the verge of a panic attack. 

Zayn picked up on it and suggested you stroll back to the clinic for some fresh air, and he’d have you lie down in one of their private rooms while you waited for your results. 

You asked for a bit of privacy and Zayn was reluctant to leave you alone, but honoured your request. Harry had sent you a pic he took while out jogging in the park of one of your favourite corgi dogs, and you barely kept your tears in check. He later on texted you he’d packed everything for both of you and asked whether you wanted to meet up directly at the new airbnb you’d be staying since you were running late waiting for your results to which you agreed, not having any desire to see that crabby flat one last time. 

A solemn knock on the door told you everything you needed to know before you even got to see Zayn’s face. Tears began rolling down your cheeks as if on command and you let him take you into his arms, trying his best to comfort you. 

You cried for God knows how long, long enough for him to have to change his lab coat before his next patient, but when you managed to calm down a bit you shook your head against his chest “How, how is this even possible? I shouldn’t even be having symptoms so early on, it’s too soon…”

Zayn shrugged “It’s different for everybody. It could just be a coincidence and the nausea could be unrelated entirely… How do you know for certain you're not far along?”

“I just… I just know…” lord knows you didn’t wanna get into the whole story of Harry and yours separation with Zayn.

“Well if you’re certain it’s not far along we won’t see much imagistically yet. But it’s no doubt, Y/N. You’re pregnant. I know it’s not the news you were hoping for… what can I do? How can I help?”

You hugged Zayn for being so understanding and supportive, even after all this time apart he was still the kind gentle soul you’d been so close to all that time ago. Things between you hadn’t had a chance to get serious in the short time you’d dated, but you knew that, had things played out differently, he could’ve possibly been the one in your life instead of Harry. You were glad things hadn’t worked out though, obviously, since you couldn’t imagine your life without Harry. Which brought fresh tears to your eyes. 

He was going to be a father.

It wasn’t a question, but a certainty. You were not going to do anything about it. Surely there was a reason why this was happening. And you loved him too much to rob him of this. 

“I’ll be alright” you wiped your tears “I know it looks like I’m upset, and I guess I’m just mad at the timing. But I do love Harry and I wouldn’t dream of taking this away from him…”

Zayn sighed and pondered his words before speaking “I appreciate that, Y/N, but please try and do what feels right for you, you’d be the one carrying the baby and all that comes along with motherhood… it’s not an easy feat. Just… make sure you honour your own feelings towards this, first and foremost. You owe it to yourself, and the happiness and wellbeing of this baby’s potential future.”

You nodded, averting eye contact. Zayn was right, and wise beyond his years. And most certainly had seen a plethora of reactions from soon to be mothers, along with their pregnancy journeys and possibly even their postpartum issues. He knew what he was talking about, and he was right. You knew he was. 

But what you truly needed was time, time to process all this. And you simply didn’t have time. Harry was waiting for you at the new airbnb you’d be renting while still on the lookout for your new home together. And all of a sudden, there was a new and important addition to factor into that decision. 

It was too much, too fast to digest, and you just wanted time to think it through by yourself before you told Harry. Because, Zayn was right. It was your body, and ultimately, your decision. And because Harry had expressed how much he was looking forward to having a child with you, you knew he could never see things from your perspective if you were to tell him it’d already happened, that you were already pregnant and this was not just hypothetical anymore.  

After splashing some cold water on your face in an attempt to get rid of your puffy, bloodshot eyes, you deliberately opted for the longer route google maps provided to the new address, but was still confused as to where exactly you were meant to arrive at and so you asked Harry to greet you at the tube station you were getting off at. You mentally prepped yourself, knowing you had to fake it and look normal, and this was something you had to stick to, otherwise your whole plan of thinking it through for a few days before telling him would backfire and you simply needed some time to think. 

“There she is” Harry beamed at you once you emerged, pulling you straight into an easy hug “How was it, baby; all good?”

“Mhm. I’m just feeling a bit light headed… I kinda hate having blood drawn.”

“Awh. You should’ve let me come with, this was maybe not the best time to let you roam around London on your own for the first time. I didn’t wanna suggest it and imply you couldn’t manage on your own…”

You sighed “Yeah. You’re right. Oh well. I managed though, but I just need to lie down a bit now. Maybe have some carbs delivered to the new flat” you smiled and hoped it looked genuine.

Harry smiled back and from the looks of it he wasn’t exactly buying it but chances were he just thought you were feeling a bit off and lightheaded, which is what you were going for. You felt bad, felt extremely guilty actually to know what you knew and not share it with him immediately. You imagined the kind of smile he’d be sporting instead of the sympathetic one and you felt your heart clench in your chest. Suddenly, you were not so sure you could muster a few days without telling him, you’d have to make a decision before nightfall. The guilt would eat you alive, otherwise. 

“Shit. I’m such an idiot. Of course you’d wanna grab a bite” he groaned, sighing heavily “I arranged a viewing with Mitch, I was just about to order an uber since apparently it’s quicker that way instead of taking the tube… oddly. Do you want me to reschedule?”

“Oh God, no, no… listen, why don’t you go along and see it and if you like it, then we’ll just arrange for another viewing. Maybe take some pics? I’d come along but I really think I need to lie down for a few.”

Harry kissed the top of your head and started walking you in the direction in which you guessed the new airbnb was “Ok. I’ll just take you back to the new place, it’s like 3 minutes away and I’ll order an uber to come pick me up from there. Want me to order you something to eat on the way to Mitch?”

You leaned into his side and reached to kiss his dimple “I can manage, I’m not an invalid, you dramatic man, you. But I love you for even thinking about doing that.”

Harry pecked the tip of your nose in return and true to his word, you were at your new place in no time. He even insisted on walking you up, since the uber had yet to arrive, anyway “So? Do we like?”

You looked around and was immediately relieved that the airbnb was actually exactly the way it looked on the app “We love. Go. I’ll be fine” you kissed him and shoved him out the door playfully, your smile fading the moment you closed it behind him. 

Scratch tonight, you probably had till Harry came back to figure shit out. The guilt was unbearable. 

*

Hours later, and you hadn’t gained much clarity on the situation. All you knew was that you had to tell Harry. You knew that terminating the pregnancy, at least without telling him about it first, was out of the question. He’d probably never forgive you for it, and most of all, you couldn’t live with that secret that would no doubt eat at you for the rest of your life. 

You did end up ordering something to eat, although you weren’t at all hungry. But your delivery app charged his credit card, and you knew that if you didn’t order anything he’d call you to ask about it. You didn’t eat a bite though, especially since you tried to stomach eating a bit over brunch with Zayn, which had already been pushing it in your state of distress. 

Zayn was right, the nausea was probably completely coincidental, the pregnancy was too small for these kinds of symptoms, as per your google search. You estimated being around roughly 3 weeks along, which was still early days even for a home pregnancy test to accurately pick up on it, but bloodwork was undeniable and on top of that, you also realized you hadn’t even noticed that your period was late. 

You were also kicking yourself for having fallen asleep whilst you were writhing in the new bed, trying to get your mind to align with your heart in the hopes of finding an answer to this huge dilemma. But you were exhausted. It was more than you could handle on your own, and this wasn’t even something that solely concerned you. As much as you knew that it was your body, and ultimately, your decision, you also knew Harry had every right to have a say in it too. At the very least, he had a right to know. You just couldn’t not tell him. And the more you kept it from him, the more he’d end up resenting you. 

All you knew was, you didn’t feel ready for motherhood. As opposed to Harry, who had expressed his eagerness to start a family with you. But it wasn’t so much about motherhood per se, as the fact that you knew your relationship wasn’t ready to morph into this yet. You both had so much healing to do still, as individuals as well as, as a couple, and you didn’t think bringing a baby into the equation would be the responsible thing to do. Basically, all your counter arguments that you presented to Harry when you’d had this conversation just days prior still stood valid. 

But at the same time… could you really go through with an abortion? Would Harry ever forgive you if you decided that’s what you wanted to do? What would that mean for your relationship? Would doing this do more harm to both of you individually, as well as, as a couple, than keeping the baby?

It was a baby. A genuine baby growing inside you. A new life that you and Harry had conceived on that first night together after being separated for so long, at that sketchy motel, where he showed you just how much he loved you still. That couldn’t just be a coincidence. That had to mean something. This baby was the true embodiment of your love for eachother and the joy of finally coming together at last. 

You were snapped out of your train of thought when you heard the front door, and you knew it was time to face the music. 

You sat up in bed and waited for him to come into your line of vision and when he finally reached the door to the master bedroom and came into view, you knew he could read it all over your face- something was off. So you decided to stop trying to delay the inevitable “Harry… we need to talk.”

He just stared at you, his facial expression impassive. You’d expected him to furrow his brows in confusion and concern and ask you what was wrong, but instead he just stared at you. Were his eyes bloodshot or was your mind playing tricks on you? Also, you were just now realizing how late it was, with the sunset making it almost hard to distinguish his features in the penumbra. Why had he taken so long to come back? You hadn’t realized time passing by, what with your brief unintentional nap and all the worrying and soul searching you’d been doing in his absence. Had Mitch taken him to see other listings as well? 

“It’s true, then.”

Your blood froze. He knew? How could he know? Unless… “Did… did Zayn tell you?” you swallowed the lump in your throat. Maybe they’d bumped into each other and he’d just had to run his big mouth…

You watched him clench and unclench his fists and set his jaw. This was unsettling. Why was he so upset? You hadn’t expected this reaction to the news in the slightest.

“Had he been the one to tell me… I’d be locked up somewhere by now. So, no. Zayn didn’t tell me.”

His voice was ice cold, and it caught in his throat at the end. Your mind was running a million miles an hour, he wasn’t making any sense. None of it was making any sense.

“What?! What do you mean… who told you, then?”

He hung his head back, trying to gain his composure seemingly, but when he locked eyes with you again you could see unshed tears dancing in his his own “Does it fucking matter, Y/N?”

“Harry, what’s going on?... You’re not making any sense!”

He turned around then, disappearing from the door frame into the living area and you could hear him mutter to himself “I knew I shouldn’t have come here until I cooled down… I can’t do this.”

You scurried off the bed “Do what?! For fuck’s sake, Harry, what are you going on about?! Listen… I was going to tell you, alright? I just needed a moment to process it on my own! I swear! I wasn’t going to keep it from you! Please, you’ve got to understand!”

By the time you reached him he was looking out the window. You hadn’t even taken in the view. The sunset looked amazing, but you caught Harry’s reflection and the look on his face was killing you. Why was he so upset? Was he really letting this overshadow the news of you carrying his child?! This was so unlike him.

“Process it, huh?” he didn’t turn around to face you and you knew to keep your distance still “And have you reached your decision, then?”

“My decision?... Harry, it’s our decision. You deserve your say in this…”

He laughed a sardonic laugh, “That’s rich.”

You froze, and even took a step back. Why was he acting like this?! “You’re being cruel.”

“Well excuse me if I’m not giddy with joy, Y/N. What would you have expected me to do? Wish you well on your new journey?!”

Tears rolled down your cheeks uncontrollably “Yes! I thought you’d be happy! I thought you’d be thrilled, you asshole! I thought you wanted this! What… Can you not let me have a moment to myself to process what this all means?!” you shrieked, finally launching at him and pushing him to his side, making him face you “But no, you had to go and ruin everything just because I didn’t tell you the moment I found out, when you know how hard this is on me! When you know how apprehensive I’ve been about this whole thing to begin with! Do you have any idea how fucking scared I am?! And now you’re acting all butthurt cuz I didn’t share the news with you right away?! Fuck you! I was sick with worry about how to make it right, how to best approach you with this, how to ask you to be understanding of my reluctance and not hate me for not being over the moon about this, because I’m scared shitless and I feel like I’m about to pass out from how fucking anxious I am and you just… you pull this shit on me!?! No. No. Fuck you. Fuck you for doing this! –”

“Stop! Y/N, stop!” he grabbed your wrists in mid air, halting your movements and it only infuriated you more. You struggled to escape his grasp but he just scanned your face confusedly while your tears were blurring your vision “What are you saying? What are you talking about?!”

“You said you knew!” you screamed in his face “Make up your god damn mind, you jerk!” you kicked him in the shin and that almost made him budge but he just stomached it and grabbed your shoulders instead, shaking you once to catch your attention.

“Stop it, Y/N. Stop it right now. What the hell are you talking about?!”

You blinked your tears away and took his genuine confusion in and then took a step back, out of his grasp “What are you talking about?” when he didn’t reply and just kept searching your eyes confusedly you shook your head “This is not like you. That’s not how you’d react to this…” you squinted your eyes at him “No.Tell me what you thought I was gonna say. What did you think happened?”

Harry stepped back as well and ran his hands through his hair and across his face and kept looking at you funny. You ran all he said over and over in your mind and stumbled upon the weirdest bits “What were you saying about Zayn? About getting locked up? Harry... What the fuck did you think happened?”

“I didn’t believe it. But when I came home and saw you… and you told me we needed to talk, –”

“Believe what? Harry. Believe what?”

You waited for him to give you an answer but as realization dawned on you, you just felt the need to get away from him. When you felt him chase after you, you turned around and looked him dead in the eye, fresh tears threatening to spill, but this time they were betraying a different kind of emotion altogether “I can’t believe I was actually considering this, when clearly this would be the biggest mistake we could make right now. Look at us. Fucking look at us! Look at all the problems we’ve yet to solve, all the baggage we haven’t unpacked, all the trauma we haven’t healed from. Look at you jumping to conclusions like that! What did you think Harry, hm? Heard me say I wanted us to talk and your mind immediately goes to Zayn and our interaction yesterday? Is that how little faith you have in me?! Does my word mean nothing to you?!”

“It’s not like that!” he whisper shouted, trying to get you to calm down now, his face contorted in pain as if his own words were hurting him like a boomerang “I swear it’s not like that. But… Mitch made a remark today, when he saw I showed up without you, and I hounded him until he told me that Sarah had spotted you earlier today, alright? With Zayn. Holding hands. Clearly she was mistaken… but when I came home and you told me that… my heart dropped to my stomach, and I couldn’t hear you through– I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Y/N, I–”

“It’s true” you cut him off “Alright? She did see us. We weren’t exactly holding hands. He was comforting me, we were waiting for the bloodwork results, he had a hunch I might be pregnant…”

You stared at each other, chests heaving and glistening eyes. You both started talking at the same time but then stopped and he nodded for you to go first “It was platonic, Harry. Please. I swear to you. I didn’t tell you I was going to see him at the clinic because I knew you’d misinterpret it. I swear he was a perfect gentleman, but I knew you already had your mind made up about him, and before you go there, no, he didn’t examine me or anything. He was just gonna run my bloodwork and prescribe me birth control, and refer me to a colleague for a future appointment going further. And I mentioned how I… I puked on the way there. I dunno why. Cause we later realized there’s no way this could be related to the pregnancy. I’m only like… short of 3 weeks along. But the bloodwork confirmed it… and he could tell I–”

Harry pulled you into his arms, muffling your words, crushing you flush to his chest and you just stopped trying to explain it and instead hugged him back as tight as you could muster. He was trembling, you soon realized he was crying, so you cupped the back of his head and whispered reassurances in his ear. Yes, he’d jumped the gun to the worst possible conclusion but you understood how what Sarah had seen could have looked from an outsider’s perspective. Paired with Harry’s triggers, this was his worst nightmare coming to reality, just weeks after your reconciliation. You were mad at him but you also understood why he’d reacted that way, especially with the way you told him you had to talk.

It was all just a huge misunderstanding.

But you’d done it, in the midst of all that chaos, you told him, and now it was finally hitting him. 

“Baby, you’re shaking” you murmured in his ear “Please, calm down. It was a misunderstanding, alright? I know… I know how it looked, I understand how it triggered you… Please, look at me.”

He shook his head in the crook of your neck where he’d buried his face, you could feel his tears wetting your hair with how hard he was crying. He was silent, but he was shaking so badly it was worrying you “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for this.”

You could barely make out his muffled words, but you eventually managed to pull his head away and hold his face in your palms, thumbing his tears away “You silly man. When will it finally click for you, hm? You are all I want. You, and no one else. I love you, Harry. I know it’s hard for you, and god knows I’ve played my part in making it hard for you to believe. But please try and understand, I would never hurt you like that. I swear it. What can I do for you to get it through your head?” you smiled at him, seeing the amount of love and overbearing guilt radiating from his eyes. It was palpable, his love for you. And the fact that you’d just told him you were pregnant probably intensified his feelings for you tenfold. And you knew that, because, somehow, you were starting to realize it was doing the same for you. You were carrying a part of him inside you, and that was a feeling you’d never experienced before. It made you see him in a totally different light. It made you realize that although all you’d said to him mere minutes ago still stood true, you knew you could make it through safely to the other side of this journey as long as you had him by your side. With him, everything felt possible. Life made sense. Even a baby made sense. Because you loved him so much.

“I know what you could do” he whispered.

“I mean… I’m doing enough as it is, am I not?” you glanced over to your belly and back at him teasingly, his eyes following yours and then landing on your lips. 

He mirrored you, cupping your face in his palms and kissed you thoroughly. He then rested his forehead against yours and inhaled shakily “You could say yes. Say yes, Y/N.”

You wondered whether he’d misunderstood you. Because in your heart, you’d made up your mind about it in the midst of all that chaos. You were definitely keeping the baby.

“Marry me.”

A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ SO. MANY. EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!

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