- loveeshellsz

It's been awhile since I've posted on my tumblr but I'm back and ever since my last post GUESS WHAT!? I was a finally able to meet my 3rd love of my life. October 17th 2019 I gave birth to my 3rd child and he's beyond adorable. He's now 6mos old 1/2 to 1 year! It's amazing how fast the days, months, even year(s) are starting to fly by extremely fast.

But anyways I just wanted to say that first, now .... I have soo many new things that I want to explore I'm hoping to get in touch with my more creative side and start getting a little crafty, I even plan on getting more serious about my writing, and eventually creating a beauty line name and artwork still pending working on getting it set in stone.

It's April 2020 and we've been on lockdown because of this coronavirus/covid-19 pandemic which is limiting the entire U.S. from doing any outdoor activities that require more than 10 people in the area. The only places that we can go to are the groceries stores and fast food places because those are the only places labeled as "essential." This is one for the books because as of right now the year 2020 has totally been shut down and put at a standstill, until further notice.

I don't know why but sometimes I wake up in my feelings about certain things and this particular reason is because I've realized that I've never had a real "BESTFRIEND" like someone that I can call or text and be like "girrrrlll what are you doing, wanna hang out?" I've come across friends, associates, and a lot of great people but I've never had a "bestie" someone who I can say "we've been friends for over so&so years!" Maybe I haven't met my bestfriend yet but I'm hoping that in my older years come I'm able to have one because all my life I've only hung out with family members. And of course now that I'm dating my boyfriend is who I talk to daily but the kind of friendship I'm wanting isn't like the friendship I have with him because he's my man not like a bestie type ship. Maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll be able to say "my best friend" to someone because it's sad that my children don't even have a "godparent" and whenever I'm to get married I wouldn't even have a "maid of honor" because I've never had a real bestie to claim as my own friend.

I didn't know we would be meeting soo very soon but I guess it's all apart of the plan. I didn't know that we would come together this way but It's all apart of the plan. I haven't met just yet but when we do I can already imagine how much love we're gonna give one another don't be upset with me but I have been giving your love to 2 other people but that's only because they were already here. But that doesn't matter because we're all going to share the same amount of love for one another no matter what. It was easy to love you all before even seeing you all because that's the kind of love we will have. I wouldn't change anything about either of you because it's all apart of the plan. I'm just soo happy to be called "mommy" x3 now. And it's all because I was chosen to be that. I'm learning patience because even though I know about you I still have to wait until we meet. But when I say your sisters and brother, dad, and I can't wait to meet you finally we really cannot wait until you arrive. I love you, WE love you and finally we'll all be complete together as a family and it's all because of you.

1/01/2019

I haven't always had the best of years lately but I've always kept my faith. I've sometimes wanted to question and ask why but that would be kind of borderline complaining. So I didn't; now I'm being placed in a position where I'm unsure of what I should do so I went to the Bible but before opening it I said a little prayer and asked God to let me know what it is I'm suppose to do. And as soon as I read for a little bit I turned a few pages and came across Acts 18:9-11 and the exact time "one year and 6 months" was said so I'm taking that as a sign and going with it. I'm going to continue to try doing better by the days and not be so angry with a lot of things. I'm going to try to make the best of the rest of this year and continue growing in the church I'm almost 27 and that alone is scary because I'm realizing that I'm getting older and that time is not stopping and won't stop for anyone. So why not try better myself for my children and for others around me. I will not be the Jonah on the ship; God's got my back and he wouldn't let me go through it if he didn't know I couldn't do it. Everyone has to go through changes. Adjusting is the hard part but it'll all work out for my good. Keeping my faith and trusting the Lord in all that I do.

I just don't know why I've been feeling so unappreciated. I try to always do my best in whatever it is that I do but I still feel as though I don't get any appreciation.

I don't get any time spent, I barely even get a text back, and Lord knows a call only lasting a minute and 2 seconds isn't enough for anyone to even tell half of their day but I still try to make it work.

Not knowing what I am, where I stand, or if I'm just wasting my time is definitely one of the worst feelings to have. Keeping high hopes in what you think may happen but may actually never happen is like playing Russian roulette; if I pull the trigger will I still live to see what we'll become or will it all just be over?

I cring at the thought of thinking I've been trying to become something more with someone who may not even give 2 F*s about me or my feelings. I've tried keeping my heart guarded but it seems to want to be set free to be loved and treated as it should be.

I hate feeling unappreciated, unloved, and unwanted above all unhappy. I know I use to be happier than I am today. I just know it.

I should know when to let go by now

But I don’t know why I can’t.

What’s really keeping me from letting go of this?

I know that getting deeply involved with someone whom you don’t know if they’re even for you is the worst thing ever to do

But I just can’t help thinking what maybe it will eventually become what I want it to be.

Happiness, love, and affection. Is it really so hard to just give yourself to someone who’s here for you?

I just want the real thing. The real love that’s for me. I wanna know that you love me, want me, care for me, cherish me, respect me, and above all am with me for me.

Not knowing what you really are to someone is a horrible feeling. And knowing that you could be missing out on someone who’s for you is the ultimate heartbreak.

I just want to be happy! One day.

No, I didn’t make a news year’s resolution because I never fall through with them. I haven’t planned out my 2018 goals just yet but I do have plenty. I just know that I want to live a great life and enjoy it all at the same time. I realized today that I’m 26 years old and I have yet to really live my life! Like it’s honestly a sad situation. I’ve completed a few things previous years BUT I haven’t lived at all. Sooo many places I’ve never been, so many things I haven’t done, so many things I haven’t seen life doesn’t stop it just keeps progressing whether we’re living or just existing.

My mind wants me to do so many things as well as my heart. I just know that it has effort and doing in order to make things happen in your life. I believe I’m ready to start living and going for more goals, ambitions, chances, success, and achievements!

What is this?

Do we have anything else in common?

Do you know what my favorite color is?

Do you know what I’m most afraid of?

Do you care to know about what I like doing or what it is that would love to do?

Do you care about my children?

Would you include them into your everyday life if it came down to us being together?

These are a few of many questions that I wouldn’t mind knowing the answers to. I don’t like always ending up with the “wyd, Can I come over, you want some,” type of dudes. Sometimes I just wanna get out the house and ride, with no destination, good music playing, stop at the gas station and get a few snacks or even some fast food. I don’t always wanna sleep with you just because you think it’s apart of (whatever it is this is). Take me on a date, let’s go on a trip for a few days (doesn’t even have to be anywhere really far), just show me what this really is.

Do you really want me? Is this just a fling? Why waste someone’s time if you know that you don’t really want them? Let me know what your intentions are before I start feeling you enough to say that I care about you or even love you enough to be just about you. Just don’t have me thinking that it’s something that it’s not. Don’t leave me looking like a fool.

I feel like I’m going down the same roads I’ve already been down before. I don’t like feeling like I’m not enough to be cared for, it’s like I try to give my all but it’s never enough to even get a title. Just a simple and meaningful “I love you,” “I care about you,” “I want you to be mine.” that’s all I really want from someone who actually means it. Don’t just say it but show it as well as mean it to. Never had the joys of being with someone and being happy, able to show them off, go out on dates, or just have a nice home dinner to Netflix and chill. I just want to be able to experience that with the person I truly want to be with. One day.

No matter how hard i try to get through and explain how i’m really feeling about it i can never fully express my true feelings. i offen times find myself not being able to just say that “i want something real, why am i not good enough, what more do i have to do in order to show how i really feel?” Not only have i been here regardless but i’ve also tried showing my true feelings as well. Not knowing someone’s real intentions has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. I️ just want to know how much longer will i have to wait for you to realize that i am here, i care about you, i love, and support you but “the wait” is soo frustrating.

Parents want you to abide by that verse in the Bible saying “obey your parents” etc BUT if you and your kid/kids don’t get along then just leave them alone. Why continuously pick at them wanting to start something? Don’t do something that wasn’t asked, for your child and then throw it back in their face ESPECIALLY when it wasn’t asked of you. Loving people from a distance doesn’t exclude family.

When do you just give up?

When do you actually say enough is enough?

When do you stop waiting for something that you already know you want?

I know that I want to be in love, real love I want to experience the true feelings of it. I want to know that no matter what I’m still gonna be loved by someone who thinks nothing but the world of me.

Tired of thinking I have something with someone but in the end it’s nothing just a lie.

My heart isn’t a game so why choose to play with it? Nothing hurts more then giving yourself to someone who doesn’t even intend on keeping you. I long for the day I fall in love with my true love.

To have you to myself to love you and only you, to know that you’re mine and that you love me for me.

My time is coming just keeping patience as my virtue.

I was told that if you live for other people you’ll never be happy in life. At 26 I now know that this is true. I don’t think I’ve ever officially lived for myself, I’ve always tried living how others “someone” else wanted me to live and now at the point in my life where I am now I can honestly say that in listening to what “that person” told me to do my life has tended to go down hill. Of course they would say me having kids is what caused me to have the life that I have now BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE! My kids are taken care of regardless, me always listening to what you say is what has me in this bind that I’m not trying to spiral out of by any means possible. I had a lot of great opportunities that I’ve missed out on all because “you” didn’t want to be apart of helping me succeed in life. It’s sad when you realize that “someone” who’s suppose to be for you seems to be against YOU! I don’t want to go to deep into it just yet because at this very moment I’m currently trying to right a few wrongs and do what I know I want to do instead of what “someone” else wants me to do.