Celebrating Love

I haven't been on Tumblr in forever! ...okay, about 2 1/2 years because that's how old our son is now (or will be on February 14). We're still married—3 years, 4 months and still love each other! We found out I was expecting last January then in September we welcomed a little lady named Katriana Milla, a name we fell in love with two weeks into dating over five years ago. She is now 3 1/2 months old and probably one of the happiest infants I've met. I now work as a graphic designer in prepress for a local company that does big things. I still love planning vacations, reading the internet, and food. However, I work out now (well, I started this week), I'm too old to stay out pass midnight, and have decided that I would only leave my husband for Texas Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury.

Erik at 10 days old.

What reading articles and books couldn't prepare me for the mental changes that occur with having a child. I thought, "We've traveled. We're done partying. We're settled. We're ready to be parents." Yet last night I felt overwhelmed with... every feeling possible, most of which were pessimistic. I cried. Yes, I get sad. Sometimes really sad.

I resented Jason for being able to come and go as he pleases—going to Hooters late at night when his brother comes to visit, going to play basketball after work on weekdays, going to his dad's to watch True Blood on Sundays, potentially getting 6-8 hours of sleep every night ...while I'm at home every hour, every day living off naps and a restricted diet (because certain foods I eat makes Erik gassy and fussy). But fathers aren't mothers, so I can't hold him accountable for the same responsibilities. What he needs to take care of, he does. If not more. It's me. I have to learn how to give and not expect to take from Erik or Jason or anyone, to not hold grudges and resentment for what is beyond my control, to realize that it gets better and better with everyday, to look forward to what the future holds for us as a family, to relax and breathe.