“Man Caves” are fucking disgusting places for cowards to retreat when they realise their fuckwit ideas of masculinity don’t translate to, you know, the real world. There’s a reason why all that parasitic alcohol and sport related paraphernalia isn’t standard issue in a home and that reason is it fucking sucks. A discount lager branded beer mat on a wooden bench in a garage isn’t an identity or a form of self-expression; it’s not homage to some sort of working class collective consciousness. It’s just big business marketing guilt tripping your deadshit mind via feelings of nostalgia associated with times when you thought you were happy (you weren’t, you were drunk). Bundaberg Rum isn’t a badge of honour, it’s a distilled alcoholic beverage, it’s not real, it’s a product. You know that bear they use in their ads? I know the idea is great but he isn’t real either, he’s not your mate, you and the bear, you never went on fishing trips together. Don’t buy into their shit, just fucking go inside and talk to your family you big dumb man cave cunt, stop sitting there pretending you’re having a good time, we all know you aren’t, you’re pathetic in there, stewing away on some disgusting couch on your phone leaving racist comments on news articles, hate-tweeting local celebrities until they kill themselves, insulting “faggots” while rubbing one out to some lesbian porn, reminiscing about the great years gone by (they weren’t great, again, you were drunk).
Also, chances are if you’re the kind of big sook of a man who has a man cave and buys shit like supermarket hummus and mass produced crackers and cabanossi to make themselves feel special, your wife is probably a bit of a cunt towards you, and it’s not totally fun to be around her all the time (go to the pub when this happens by the way moron). It’s not her fault she’s like this, it’s because you’ve got all these emotional and communication and identity issues and are a big fucking child who can’t support his family properly. Trust me, it’s not her, or the gays or the Muslims or random indigenous football players that have caused this fucking mess, it’s your lack of personal responsibility and accountability. There’s a reason Andrew Bolt and his contemporaries soothe you so much; they make it feel like it’s someone else’s fault, all these feelings of resentment and indifference, but the hangover only gets worse mate, you can’t stay in here forever.
So get up, put some proper fucking pants on and leave!! You don’t need this cave Robbo, leave, go free, go for a walk in the park, the beach, go to Bali with your fuckhead mates, whatever, please, just stop living this primal cave myth.
