don’t know who needs to hear it but: be selfish. be so unbearably selfish over your peace. saying yes will make them happy, but saying no will set you free. it’s only you at the end of the day; and you deserve to be able to sleep.

if i look back, i am lost
Not today Justin
we're not kids anymore.
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@lotusgrin
don’t know who needs to hear it but: be selfish. be so unbearably selfish over your peace. saying yes will make them happy, but saying no will set you free. it’s only you at the end of the day; and you deserve to be able to sleep.

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You’re allowed to make mistakes.
I will forgive.
But when it happens again,
It’s no longer a mistake
And rather a choice.
I don’t stick around to be a choice.
Some people have to pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you.
You are responsible for how you handle your trauma.
Let me say it again a little more specifically.
You, and you alone, are responsible of dealing with what life throws at you and not using it as an excuse for everything.
Nobody is going to save you but yourself.
Take responsibility.
Be an adult.

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They say they envy my confidence.
What they don’t see is that I was backed into a corner. I was told not to bite. I was told to be ‘good’.
So for every time I’m confident, there’s a thousand times that I wasn’t.
I’ve been scared, I’ve been confused, I’ve even begged people not to leave.
But there’s a straw, and when it falls, it breaks the camels back.
Don’t be surprised that I took my pain and turned it into something beautiful.
Ask yourself, when will enough be enough? When do I get to love myself more than I love anyone else?
When you put yourself first. Thats when. When you leave when it’s hard, but necessary. When you say no, instead of a people pleaser yes. When you speak up, don’t stay silent, and let the world hear you.
It’s a revolutionary act to love yourself.
You deserve to.
I had to leave. I couldn’t be second best when you were always first best in my book. I put you over everything, not knowing you wouldn’t do the same.
I’m sorry I had to leave. Im sorry this only adds to your stress. I’m sorry I promised you I wouldn’t leave. But I can no longer be treated like I’m disposable. You chose him over me. 7 years of me dropping everything to be there for you, and you chose him.
Something I never got to say: he doesn’t even love you. Love isn’t being cheated on everyday. Love isn’t arguing constantly. I tried to get you to see that, but his toxic grasp already had you convinced at every twist and turn that he would be better. That this time it would be different. Rinse, wash, repeat. That’s the cycle of a toxic relationship.
All of this to say, I hope someday you find the love you deserve. I hope it makes up for the time when your bestfriend left you because you chose a man over 7 years of friendship. I hope you heal from this. I hope you never do this to someone else again. I hope you realize to treat your friends with respect.
Heal. I won’t be around to see it. But I know you will.
AVPD is like every sentence I say makes a [LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER] sound ring inside my head
A personal comic I made some time ago about discovering AVPD and how I relate to it. This isn’t meant to be diagnostic at all and everyone experiences it differently.
Made this blog to share it here and to hopefully connect with more people with similar experiences.
“It’s okay to not be okay”
Unless it impacts your work performance…
Or your grades
Or how you act
Or if it causes you to say no
Or if you’re harder to be around
Or if you need time alone
Or if you talk about it
Or show symptoms
“It’s okay to not be okay”
Unless you have trauma
Unless you have one of those “scary” mental illnesses
Unless it inconveniences me
Unless you’re undiagnosed
Unless you cry or scream or make a scene
Unless you don’t keep that shit to yourself
Unless you make me uncomfortable
Unless I can’t infantilize or fetishize you
Unless you have hallucinations
Unless you have psychosis
Unless you get angry
Unless I think you’re cringe
Unless you can’t preform hygiene tasks
Unless you’re disabled, or trans, or gay, or not white, or fat, or AFAB, or intersex, or a man… so I guess anyone
“It’s okay to not be okay”
As long as nobody ever finds out.
Our society has a severe issue with performative activism, and mental health is a huge example of this. Every time someone considers reaching out, they run through this list mentally. This is why true activists and resources need to be loudly supportive of all the things on this list. Take the subtext out of your support.

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the “i can’t seem to connect with other people, i must be fundamentally broken or not trying hard enough” -> “turns out there’s nothing wrong with me, i’m just autistic” -> “all the autistic people i know get along so well together and i still can’t connect with any of them, maybe i really am just fundamentally broken” -> “why didn’t anyone tell me avpd exists, this explains everything” pipeline is so real.
if your social skills are dogshit even compared to other socially anxious autistics, i see you. i am you. it’s fucking rough out here but at least we’re in these trenches together.
avpd culture is i would talk to you, but there's something deeply wrong with me. i can hide it from you as best i can initially but eventually something will give and i'll ghost you and never think of you again so that i don't feel the shame of all that time I was visible to you
*makes no effort to include self* what the fuuuuuck why do i feel so left out
via yumi sakugawa

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One of life's great ironies is that almost everyone who makes the active decision to not have kids would probably be way better at raising a child than all the people who just kind of have children because it's what they think everyone is supposed to do
Like genuinely if you're like "I don't want kids because of the financial strain/the commitment/the irritation I would feel/the possibility of traumatizing them/whatever reason" you instantly demonstrate to me that you 1) understand the realities of parenthood and 2) believe that children should be treated with at least a base level of respect and compassion. Meanwhile everyone who's like "I want kids because I don't want to be alone" "I can't wait to dress up my babies" "I won't raise my children to be soft" may as well be talking about Neopets for all the fucks they seem to give about kids
when i was younger and stupid and in the (glass) closet i was dating the son of a pharmacologist. this man had made millions developing medications. he was fond of me and privately told me i was too funny and smart to be dating boys.
he also said that it was incredibly unlikely that sexism will ever be resolved in the medical field. that the majority of medications i will ever take - even some of which are "for women" - will not be clinically tested on my body.
the problem, he said, was in getting any human clinical trial approved. to test on a body with a uterus - any body, even elderly patients or those who have been sterilized - was often nigh-impossible, because the concern was that the test patient may, at any point, become pregnant. once/if the patient became pregnant, the study would not be about "the effects of New Medication on the body." instead, the trial would fail - the results would be "the effects of New Medication on a developing fetus/pregnant patient."
it was massively easier, he said, to just test without accounting for a uterus. that's how he phrased it - accounting for a uterus.
at the time, i remember him talking about the ethical implications of testing on a developing fetus; how such testing could theoretically bankrupt a company if a lawsuit was filed. he talked about informed consent and about how long it took for any legislation to be passed about this - that in 1993; the year i was born, it finally became illegal to outright exclude women and minorities from clinical trials.
i remember him shrugging. "that's not to say it doesn't happen," he said. my ears were ringing.
i was thinking about how every time i have been rushed to the ER, the first thing they have asked me is if i am pregnant. when i broke my wrist at 16 years old - despite never having had sex - they made me wait three hours for the test to come back negative before they gave me pain meds. the possibility of a child haunts my health.
how many people have died on the table because they were waiting for the pregnancy test before treatment. how many people have died on the table because they were pregnant, and the only thing we care about is the fetus.
it is hard to explain to other people, but it feels like some kind of strange ghost. our entire lives, we are supposed to "save" our bodies for our future partners. but really we are just saving the body for the future child, aren't we? that hovering future-almost that cartwheels around in a miasma. you can't get your tubes tied, what if you change your mind? think of the child you must have, eventually.
who cares about you and your actual safety. think about what you could be carrying.