'Tis the damn season- Sirius Black
If I wanted to know
Who you were hanging with
While I was gone, I would've asked you
It's the kind of cold
Fogs up windshield glass
But I felt it when I passed you
She felt weird being there, an intense feeling of guilt. She hadn't meant to leave. Really, it was the last thing on her mind at first. But everything felt claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in on her. Things with Sirius were in a weird place and really she wasn't 100% sure how to handle it. Then, all of a sudden, she had this job offer. It was temporary, 6 months in New York and she needed something that felt new and alive and she wanted to be far away from Sirius. Now everything had changed because 5 years later and she still lived an ocean away.
Remus was a teacher now. Lily and James were married with a kid and trying for another. Marlene was thinking about filing for divorce.
They weren't kids anymore. They were in their mid 20's.
She was home for Christmas. She didn't have family in New York nor England, but as they had every year prior Lily and James demanded she spend the holiday at their place.
"God I'm so glad you're here!" Lily is squealing, arms flung around her friend in the busy airport. Little Harry, who's 4 now is clinging to his godmothers leg with gleeful giggles
"Hey Lils," She smiles, a soft smile, as she returns the hug. Leaning down to pick Harry up "How's my little trouble maker?" She questions, propping the dark haired boy on her hip as she grabs her suitcase, listening to the child's babble and responding when needed as her and Lily make their way to the Potter's car.
Harry is babbling excitedly from the backseat, about father christmas and presents and chocolate, as Lily attempts to join the stream of traffic leaving the car park
"James is so sorry he couldn't come with us to pick you up, he got called into work last minute," Lily apologises as they start the hour long drive back to her home.
"Prongs knows I don't mind Lils, and so do you. Just grateful to have somewhere to spend Christmas,"
"And you should know we would never let you spend it alone," Lily reminds, her friend smiling softly.
"I do know that," She reassures. It was true. She'd grown up next door the Potter family, so inevitably James was one of her best friends. When they both made Gryffindor they stuck together, as everyone who knew them expected. They had their little group which eventually adopted her dorm mates, Lily, Dorcas and Marlene after Lily and Severus stopped speaking.
It had been content, the war was fought and they survived.
The friendships survived too for the most part the only lingering awkwardness being the one shared by her and Sirius. They never dated, technically, but they were in love. Utterly deeply in love. They had been since they were 15 and though they never actually confessed it, never allowed their friendship to blossom into something more, they both knew it. Sirius was her first kiss, her first time. He took her to dances and picked her up from class and she painted his quidditch number on her cheek for each game and stroked his hair. It wasn't a relationship, but in all ways but labels it was, which led to inevitable drama. It was unsustainable but nothing changed, they both knew it was why she left.
"You can ask y'know," Lily comments, eyes ever so briefly flickering to glance at her friend knowing the thoughts in her mind.
"Don't think I wanna know the answer," She shrugs, glancing out of the window. "Is he gonna- y'know," She trails off embarrassed to admit seeing him again had been on the forefront of her mind.
"Yeah he's spending the holidays too," Lily confirms, watching as her friend nods and knowing better than to ask her what she's thinking.
"Is he..." She trails off not entirely awkwardly, Lily glances at her intense eyes and a knowing smirk "Does he. I- A date? Is he bringing someone of the holidays?" She lets the question spill out
"No," Lily informs simply, she doesn't offer anything else, changing the conversation quickly.
There's an ache in you
Put there by the ache in me
But if it's all the same to you
It's the same to me
She'd known she was going to see him, with Lily's confirmation in her mind. She didn't know though, how she felt about it. Excited and nervous all at once, would he hate her? would he have moved on? Just because he wasn't bringing someone for the holidays didn't mean he didn't have someone.
She hadn't expected though, to see him quite so quickly. The car pulls into the drive and she knows immediately that he's there, motorbike tucked at the end of the drive way and the door is being pulled open by him. His hair is a little longer, though she hadn't seen him since last Christmas so she could have predicted that. He's clad in a warm looking jumper and some sweatpants, clearly cozy inside the comforting home.
"There's my little man!" He's cheering, wide grin, as he rushes to open a giggling Harry's car door, quickly fetching the child from his car seat and lifting him into a tight hug.
She wonders, briefly, if he was concentrating on not letting his eyes fall to her, or if maybe that magnetising need to look at each other wasn't there anymore. For him at least. She still can't imagine a view on earth she'd rather look at than that of Sirius Black.
"Thought you were coming tonight?" Lily questions, she's helping the girl with her bags but her eyes are watching Sirius, watching as he seems adamant on not looking at the girl who's staring at him so desperately Lily thinks she looks as if she could combust.
"Regulus' new girlfriend is a bore," Sirius shrugs, he knows he should greet her, that it's awkward not too, after all they are spending the next week in the same house. But he doesn't want to be the first to say something. He didn't leave. He didn't not return any calls.
"Hi Sirius," Her voice is timid and as much as he's glad to hear it, to see she's here, she's here and well and not got some boyfriend to spend her holidays with he hates it. Hates that she is reserved around him now.
"Fine, crying baby but no turbulence,"
"That's good then, aside from the crying obviously," he feels like an idiot the second the words have left his mouth
"Cool," he wants to curse whoever has decided now would be a good time to remove every word he has ever known from his mind and leave him a boring, lifeless shell.
"What about you? How was Regulus?"
"Fine got a new girlfriend,"
"Heard she's a bore," The girl jokes and Sirius smiles, a real smile. Wondering, for a moment, when he last didn't have to force a smile.
It's then that Harry begins to whine, Lily swooping in to get him inside and get him a snack. The small moment effectively ruined.
So we could call it even
You could call me "babe" for the weekend
'Tis the damn season, write this down
I'm staying at my parents' house
And the road not taken looks real good now
And it always leads to you and my hometown
The house is cold, it hadn't been the whole evening, upstairs and tucked in the spare bed she hadn't been. James had insisted she take the guest room. He'd assured time and time again that Remus and Sirius didn't mind her having it. Remus was going to have a blow up bed in the office and Sirius was taking the couch. She had consistently tried to take either sleeping situation, feeling bad to be the one taking the bed. The offer was refused.
She's humming softly, some Christmas song that had been stuck in her head for days having heard it so many times recently. Her hands make light work of pouring milk into a pan, the lights in the kitchen set to dim.
"Let me guess, hot chocolate?" His voice is velvety, not at all laced with sleep. She wonders if he was laid awake too, thinking about how she was directly above him, so close yet impossibly far.
"You know me too well," She agrees, voice soft. She doesn't turn around, feels almost embarrassed to be clad in reindeer print pj bottoms and some old jumper she'd had forever.
"You just haven't changed since we were eleven," He returns, leaning on the door frame.
"You want one?" She asks, moving towards the fridge to take out the milk once more.
"I got it," He announces. She nods, lets him cross the room to take out the milk, instead taking out another mug, and dumping 2 tablespoons of hot chocolate powder into it.
He arrives by her side, placing the milk down alongside a can of whipped cream.
"Pretty sure that's for Harry's special christmas eve hot chocolate, the one with a flake and marshmallows and smarties," She comments, her tone is soft, the adoration she has for the child evident.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," Sirius shrugs, he watches as she carefully adds more milk to the stove, "Just promise you won't tell on me yeah?"
"Your secret's safe with me," She confirms, she looks at him then. For the first time since he entered the room. He's already looking at her. With a look she can't read and so much intensity she wonders if anyone has ever looked at her like that before. He looks beautiful though, glowing in the soft lighting of the room.
"Y'know, I still do this every time I can't sleep," She informs him, eyes sincere and voice quiet, almost lost in the night.
He knows what she's trying to say. It had started when they were kids, he'd found her in the common room late at night on the second day of school. They'd spoken a little, but she'd stuck to James like glue, quiet when he wasn't by her side. She'd looked at him, wide glassy eyes. He'd asked what was wrong and she'd whispered to him about feeling like she was never going to belong in Gryffindor, not even at Hogwarts. He'd comforted her, wiped her tears away and helped her sneak to the kitchens, acting confident when in reality he'd never done it before either. He'd made the hot chocolate and she'd sat on a counter, he made her laugh and she suddenly felt like maybe everything would work out, like she might belong here after all.
It had become ritualistic for them. If one of them was sad they'd sneak to the kitchens and make hot chocolates and vent and cheer each other up.
His bad fight with James.
"I do too," He'd said quietly. Looking away now, almost like her words had hurt him even though it was the last thing she intended to do. "Milk's done," He adds, he wanted to leave the room, he was scared. Scared if he stood there, looking at her all domestic and cosy and glowing and beautiful, he wouldn't be able to resist the urge he'd been fighting since she climbed out of the car that morning.
I parked my car
Right between the Methodist and the school that used to be ours
The holidays linger like bad perfume
You can run but only so far
I escaped it too
Remember how you watched me leave
But if it's okay with you
It's okay with me
Her legs are curled under lap, almost cat like in the large arm chair. Remus in next to her, sprawled across the sofa with the crossword of the day from some muggle paper in his hands.
She has one too, in her lap, though she's hardly looking.
"Ok, I'm at a wall. Trade me," Remus announces, leaning across to hand her the paper he had been working on
"Trade me?" He questions, eyebrows furrowing at her despondent face.
"Right," She nods, switching papers with him.
He looks at her crossword, hardly started and suddenly he feels bad.
"You okay?" He asks, he glances out of the window she's clearly looking out of. Sirius is out there, leather jacket and a loose scarf. He's laughing, head thrown back and eyes crinkled. Helping Harry, who Lily had bundled up extra tight, to build a snowman.
"Fine," She confirms, pulling her eyes away from Sirius to look at her friend.
"I can only imagine how hard this is for you," Remus says gently
"I'm okay," She shrugs. Remus nods, not sure what to say. It felt like a theme recently. In the 24 hours she'd been there Lily, James and Remus had all struggled. Not sure what to say to either of their friends. They clearly missed each other, clearly pined for each other. Yet, neither of them was doing anything about it, neither of them even wanted to talk about it.
"You know he never wanted kids," She speaks quietly, head motioning outside. "It was weird. I always thought he'd be a great dad. Still, think he would. I just- I guess I got it. His parents were-well, y'know- and I understood him not wanting to repeat that, thinking he'd be like him, his dad I mean. He wouldn't though. He'd have been a good dad. Still could be I guess,"
"I think so too," Remus confirms, eyes traveling to watch his friend as he helps Harry to roll a head for his snowman.
"I get that he was scared, just think it's a shame," She comments. She turns back to her crossword, to Remus' familiar scrawl. She'd said too much, she didn't want to put anyone in the middle of things.
"You're wrong," Remus speaks, still watching Sirius
"He wanted kids. He talked about it a bit," Remus explains, watching as she turns to look at him face contort with confusion, "Said he wanted them after the war. A boy first, then a girl,"
"He'd be a good girl dad,"
"Didn't seem to care too much," Remus shrugs, "He just wanted a family. Everyone to be happy and healthy and safe. Said he wanted a daughter cause he thought she'd look like you,"
"Who else would he have had this fictitious family with?" Remus shrugs
"Sirius didn't want to settle down, we all knew that,"
"If you'd asked he would have done,"
"You know I'm right. He'd have done anything you asked,"
"That's not fair, I wasn't even his girlfriend,"
"Sorry. I'm not trying to put anything on you. I'm just saying, he would have done anything you asked. Think he probably still would,"
"I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said no," She states simply. She'd asked too early, that's what Sirius had always said. To ask right before a war was starting, when their lives were so imminently in danger. The label would make something happening to either of them so much worse, it's what he'd said when he rejected her.
Remus wants to say that if she'd asked again, asked after the war, that Sirius would have said yes. That he'd have married her on the spot if it's what she'd wanted. That Sirius had told him that the day before she left. But Remus decides it's not fair to put that on her. She left and Sirius stayed and either one of them could have changed everything.
"Let's talk about something else," Remus decides.
We could call it even
You could call me "babe" for the weekend
'Tis the damn season, write this down
I'm staying at my parents' house
And the road not taken looks real good now
Lily was stressed, that much was clear. Her hair was messy and Harry was whining on her hip. The kitchen a mess around her. James wasn't much better. Somewhere outside with Remus and Sirius, a desperate attempt to try and construct the goddamn gazebo.
"Lil, everything okay?" Her friends voice speaks from the doorway
"Oh hey, I didn't hear you get back," Lily speaks, her voice a little quick and eyes wide as she turns around, Harry starts to let out a whine and Lily's eyes screw shut.
Her friend is quick, reaching out to the toddler and distracting him quickly when she passes him his dinosaur toy from the kitchen counter. "What can I do?"
"Remind me to never listen to James and agree to host a stupid Christmas Eve party next year?" Lily questions, she's moving quickly back to the counter. Stirring the chocolate that's melting in a pan for dessert, momentarily abandoning the vegetables she had been cutting.
"Okay, and for right now?"
"I hate food cooked with magic, but this is hard and I have a thousand things to do and no time and-" Lily complains, eyes starting to turn glassy
"Lily, sweetheart, you are gonna be fine. Delegate okay? I chop a mean carrot,"
"No, you're a guest and-"
"Can you run to the supermarket?"
"Done," The girl nods, scribbling the list Lily recites onto an old envelope
"Take one of the boys with you, there's going to be a million bags," Lily instructs, pointing out her car keys as she turns back to her food prep "You're the best," She calls after her friend.
The silence in the car is awkward, they both hate it, because before all of this silence between them was never anything but comfortable. She has so much she wants to say and he does too, yet neither of them can even begin to find the words they would need.
"Got a lot to get?" Sirius questions from the passenger seat, fingers tapping anxiously at his thigh.
"There's a list in my bag," The girl answers, suddenly questioning if she'd come off blunt, she hadn't intended to.
"Can I?" He questions, head tilting to the tote bag on the back seat, unaware whether they were at an appropriate level to go rifling through each others bags.
"Sure," She agrees, he leans back, grabbing the bag and pulling it onto his lap.
He rifles through the bag for the list, trying to ignore the de ja vu the bag causes, her essentials the same as they were in her high school bag.
"You're a shit driver y'know?" he teases, looking up from the list when she takes a turn much too quickly, jolting him in his seat
"Maybe I had a really bad teacher," She shrugs in response, they both find their minds running to the summer Sirius had taught her to drive, her home opposite the Potter's allowing them to hang out every vacation.
"At some point you can't teach someone, trust me I tried,"
"Well at the time I was a glorified taxi service,"
"I'd say private chauffeur," She corrects, he smiles lightly
Time flies
Messy as the mud on your truck tires
Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out
We could just ride around
And the road not taken looks real good now
And it always leads to you and my hometown
The black dress sparkles a little in the light of the guest room, ending at her thighs and tight to her body she turns a little in the mirror, she was running a little late but it had taken forever to get her hair to fall right.
She thought maybe she'd dragged out getting ready a little too long. The party had started downstairs, there was so many people. People from school. People she didn't know, new friends and colleagues. Her friends, all of them. Yet it was daunting. She thinks maybe it was the thought of Sirius, Sirius all dressed up because she just knew he'd look perfect. Sirius flirting with some girl he'd invited, or one of James' colleagues or someone from school.
She'd been drinking wine as she got ready, something she'd done to ease her nerves but now she almost regretted. Feeling a little tipsy and overly emotional, the idea of watching Sirius with someone else left her feeling a white hot anger in her very soul. A feeling she knew was incredibly unjustified, yet she couldn't push it away.
It's why, as she walked into the decorated living room, bee lining to Marlene, who was squealing at the sight of her well missed friend, she was glad to see Sirius was in the corner of the room playing with Harry.
She spends hours catching up with friends, making polite chit chat with people from distant memories, smiling and exchanging pleasantries with strangers. She allows some guy from Lily's work to flirt with her but doesn't give anything back.
She watches Sirius from afar. He looks beautiful, so utterly beautiful. He's dressed in a white shirt that's tight around his form, the top few buttons undone and his blazer abandoned somewhere.
He spends as much of his night as he possibly can with Harry, staying with the kid until he's tucking the sleeping boy into his bed. Partly because he firmly believes Lily and James deserve a night off, partly because it's the perfect alibi.
After that Sirius tries to float, doing little jobs to help things run smoothly and using a plethora of excuses to excuse himself from conversations. He feels rude, particularly to a girl from school who he is sure is nervous to approach him. He isn't rude. But he thinks maybe it comes off that way.
He's not sure is it's just that it hurts to see her so okay, head back laughing with her friends. Or maybe it's just how drained he's felt all day.
He grabs a bottle of champagne and his blazer, sneaking outside and to sitting on the floor round the side of the house. Out of sight from any windows. He digs through his blazer pocket for a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, a habit he's been trying to drop but honestly was struggling with.
Its 5 minutes of silence before he is the slight click of heels on the floor. He holds his breath, hoping to not be found. She rounds the corner and he exhales. Feeling less drained just at the sight of her.
"Got a light?" She questions, Sirius nods and watches as she crosses towards him, cigarette in one hand and glass of champagne in the other. She holds the cigarette out to him and he lights it for her. "Mind if I sit? Or I can go smoke in the back garden and we can both pretend the other person isn't out here?"
"Sit," He says simply, she nods, sitting next to him on the cold ground, Remus had shovelled snow all afternoon. "Since when did you smoke?"
"Since 2 years ago, I had some project due at work and I was crazy stressed. Some guy I work with offered me one and I accepted. Stupid looking back," She informs simply.
"I've been telling you that since we were 17," She reminds
"Been trying to quit," He admits, watching her as she stares at him. Her eyes are slightly hazy, he can see she's drank a little too much but she's holding herself together gracefully.
"That's good. I have too,"
"Good," He nods, he watches as she inhales and exhales and sips her champagne.
"It was too much in there," Sirius admits, she nods in quiet understanding
"You always did. Get me," He sighs, almost wishfully
"Do you regret leaving?" He asks. He thinks maybe he shouldn't. That come morning maybe he'll regret it. But there's something about the way she looks in the moonlight. The way she's been looking at him since she came outside, and how it's the same way she's always looked at him.
"I'm really proud of my career. I wouldn't have it if I had stayed," She's careful in her words, he can see her thinking about them before she speaks
"Right." He nods, her words in his mind are a polite rejection.
Sleep in half the day
Just for old times' sake
I won't ask you to wait
If you don't ask me to stay
"Merry Christmas!" James' voice is loud as he enters the guest bedroom, flipping the light on without a care in the world
"I hate you," She states simply, they grew up together and James really was the closest thing she had to a brother. He smirks watching as she uses the thick sage green bedding to cover her eyes from the light.
"I know. Haz wants you to come downstairs so we can do gifts,"
"6. He's been up since 4," James informs, she pulls the duvet down from her face to see him leaning in the door way
"Fine," She agrees stretching a little before clambering from the bed. The matching Christmas pjs Lily had purchased for everyone bunched up a little.
"Hey, you doing okay? With Sirius I mean," James' voice drops low as he asks, eyes scanning the landing behind him briefly
"I'm fine," She can tell from the look on his face he doesn't believe her "Promise,"
"Mooney said he saw you guys sneaking back into the house last night. At the party," she hates the way his voice sounds hopeful
"We were both having a smoke James. It's nothing,"
"Thought you were quitting,"
"You sound like your mother,"
"Harsh! Go downstairs already woman," James teases, his tone light as he shoves her playfully on her way past him.
Lily makes mimosas and the group of friends share easy laughs as the day passes by, gifts exchanged and Harry smothered with love and attention. She decides it's the easiest day, people are distracted enough in the festivities the Potters have planned to not spend the whole day worrying about her and Sirius.
Without eyes on them they both find it easier to talk, they share whispered jokes and his dizzying beauty seems softer when he's smiling at her as they peel veg together.
"Lil I'm serious, go play with James and Harry. We can handle veg duty," She's determined in the way she gently pushes the girl through the archway into the kitchen.
"Thankyou sweetie," Lily is beaming, looking between her friend and Sirius's back knowingly before shooting her friend a knowing wink. "Rem, come with!" She calls as she retreats to the living room. Remus does as told, but not before giving Sirius a pointed look, one that screams 'SAY SOMETHING'.
"I've got the potatoes if you've got the carrots," Sirius offers
"Sounds good," She confirms, fluffy socks pattering on the floor as she takes her place beside him at the oak counter.
"When are you flying back to New York?"
"The 28th, I promised Mitch I'd be back in time for his birthday stroke crazy new years party,"
"That's fun," Sirius is lying. Nothing about what she just said is fun. It's the opposite. He has three more days before she's an ocean away all over again. She's rushing home, not staying for new years like she has every other year for some guy.
That's the least fun of all, Mitch. Who the fuck is Mitch? Sirius is racking his memories, in all the awkward Christmases they'd shared since she left she's never once mentioned a Mitch.
She sees the question in his eyes but doesn't say anything else. She's about to, truly she is, until the song playing through the small radio changes.
"Oh my god it's my favourite Christmas song!" She's beaming, dropping the carrot and knife she's holding and rushing to turn the music up.
He smiles gently, watching as she begins to dance around the kitchen. Red tartan pyjamas and the knit jumper Remus gifted her, he can't stop his mind from running to all the summer holidays they'd make breakfast together in the Potter's kitchen and she'd dance around.
"God, you still can't dance," He teases, gentle smile
"Shut up and dance with me!" She demands, she stretching an arm out to him and fuck he wishes he knew how to say no to her.
They jump around and sing along, hands linked together as he twirls her around the room, hearts beaming and flooding the room with laughter.
The song ends and she's breathless, chest to chest, so close to each other.
"Mitch?" He can't help the question, not when he's so close to her, not when it's taking everything in him not to lean down and kiss her
"There's no one else for me," She says it quietly, hands dropping his and looking down to her feet, almost embarrassed to admit it
His hand shoots up, cupping her cheek gently and forcing her to look at him
"Me either," He reassures, voice smooth and soft.
So I'll go back to LA
And the so-called friends who'll write books about me if I ever make it
And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm faking
And the heart I know I'm breaking is my own
To leave the warmest bed I've ever known
James Potter can make a kick-ass espresso martini. It wasn't new information, he always made cocktails in the evening on Christmas. The rest of the inner friend group (the other girls from the dorm at school) and their spouses would come over, they would play stupid games and listen to the music they grew up on and the parents would take it in turns to check on Neville and Harry who by this point would be sound asleep in Harry's space themed bedroom.
Lily had gawped with wide eyes when she'd chosen the seat next to Sirius at Christmas dinner. Remus almost choked on his carrot when Sirius had ever so casually wrapped his arm around her at the table and she had leaned into his touch Marlene had been shooting her friend knowing looks all night, eyebrows raised in question at the way she'd been perched on the arm of his arm chair the whole night.
Nothing had happened. Not really. But something in the air had changed, something in the way he was looking at her was different, the longing glances had lost their sadness.
The night ends slowly, Marlene and Dorcas wander out into the night. Alice heads to where James had pulled out the sofa bed in the office. Lily leaves having checked on the kids one last time.
She's the next to head to bed, acutely aware of the sound of Sirius behind her on the stairs even though he's been sleeping downstairs the whole trip.
"What are you doing up here?" She whispers the question in the hallway as Sirius arrives on the landing.
"I wanted to say night," He whispers back, he looks too pretty. The warm lighting from the downstairs light makes him almost glow and he has a drunken grin on his face. She's no better, her eyes glassy from one too many of those damned martinis.
"You said night downstairs," She counters, he rolls his eyes fond gentle smile as he tucks her hair behind her ear.
"Me too," She confirms it quietly "Look forward to getting to see you, talk to you all year." He doesn't know if the light blush on her cheeks is from the alcohol or the whispered confession.
"Doesn't have to just be at Christmas y'know? You could call, visit even. I really miss you," He isn't shy in his confession. He'd scream it from the rooftops if it meant she might be a part of his life again for more than just the holidays.
"Sirius," Her voice is soft, he's too close. He is so close and she feels overwhelmed by him, drunk on his scent and using all her self control to keep her hands out of his hair.
"I mean it, darling. Truly," His hand reaches out, firm against her chin. "Hey, look," He speaks, face close enough she feels his breath on her face. She follows his eyes, looking up to see a sprig of mistletoe above them.
James does it every year, enchants mistletoe to sprout above two people in love. Mainly, he does it so he can kiss Lily and remind her to stop being so stressed about hosting and actually enjoy the holidays. Partly, he did it in the hopes it might help his two friends find their way back to each other.
"Can I?" Sirius's question is full of nerves, scared he's pushing her too far
It's gentle and timid, the way he pushes his lips to hers. It's safe at first, a peck. Neither wants the other to freak and run.
He's the one to push it further, though that isn't really surprise.
He pulls her ever closer, chest to chest and his big arms wrap around her, holding her to him. He kisses her like he's desperate, scared if he stops he'll loose her all over again.
She feels like she can breathe properly for the first time in years. Feels a weight off her shoulders as she allows her hands to tangle into his hair, a craving she'd had every time she looked at him. She lets him man handle her towards the door to the guest room.
His tongue pushing into her mouth as he holds her against the wall by the door. One of her hands stays tangled in his hair as the other moves down to hold onto the warm skin of his hip, fingertips slipping under his maroon sweater.
His hand travels down, landing on her bum with a firm squeeze and the motion seems to bring her back to her senses a little. She pulls away, though Sirius is quick to chase her kiss swollen lips with his own. She giggles in response, one last chaste peck to his lips before she looks him in the eyes, blown out a little with lust and creased from his bright grin.
"Sirius," She sighs out, he smirks head falling to allow himself to press a trails of kisses down her jaw and onto her neck
"Darling," he murmurs against her skin
"This is a really bad idea," Her point seems a little futile as she moves her head to the side to allow him more space to press his kisses
"Tell me you want me to stop. Say the word and I'll go back downstairs and you can go to sleep and we can wake up and pretend none of this happened,"
We could call it even
Even though I'm leaving
And I'll be yours for the weekend
'Tis the damn season
He doesn't think he's ever seen a sight so beautiful. She's laid next to him, body lit by the pale moonlight casting through the window. Her skin is bare and flushed and she fits against his body as perfectly as she always has.
Her leg is strewn over his naked torso, her head resting on his chest, hand reaching up to comb her fingers through his hair.
His arm that wraps around her lands on her back, thumb pressing comforting circles into her back.
"You're so perfect," He speaks into the quiet. She tilts her head up on his shoulder, allowing him to see her beaming face
"Sirius, you are the most beautiful person I've ever known," Her tone is impossibly soft, as his heart in that moment. The sincerity in her voice makes his whole body feel warm.
He feels too overwhelmed by the sickly sweet love in his chest to come up with much of a response, instead he presses his lips to her forehead an action so full over love and comfort it almost hurts her chest.
"I'm gonna hate having to miss you again," She says softly, her settling back into his chest as he squeezes her closer
"Only ever a phone call away," He hums hand moving to toy with the ends of her hair
"You could visit?" She suggests, scared he'll laugh at the thought though she has no reason to be
"Anything, if you want me to do it I will," His promise makes her grin widely, she leans up to press a gentle kiss to his lips.
The quiet takes over once more, both basking in having the other in there arms again, a feeling they'd been craving in the years of absence.
"I'm sorry I left," She whispers, she'd wanted to say it a thousand times, truly she had.
"I'm sorry I didn't come after you," He pauses for a beat, he thinks maybe the question is too big, what he's asking of her too much. His eyebrows furrowing as he thinks, deep pout on his lips.
"What are you thinking about?" She questions, thumb gently smoothing out the lines in his frown
"Stay," He says it quietly, so quiet she almost misses it. "Please, I need you to stay,"
We could call it even
You could call me "babe" for the weekend
'Tis the damn season, write this down
I'm staying at my parents' house
And the road not taken looks real good now
She hadn't technically said no. She hadn't said anything really.
She'd felt like an idiot, sitting up in the bed to better at Sirius. Blinking as her mind raced, what if she did stay? what would she be staying for? would he finally be ready to commit to her or was he asking her to give up the career she worked so hard for to be around when he wanted a casual fuck?
"Say something," He hated how much his own voice sounded like it was begging, he hated the look in her eyes. The guilt. She was going to say no. He was certain of that as he looked at her.
"Say anything," He doesn't mean to sound angry. Doesn't mean to make her feel bad.
She's left, blinking as she desperately tries to gather her thoughts. He gets out of bed.
His movements around the rooms are sharp and hurried, tugging his clothes back on.
"Sirius," She says, she needs him to look at her. Needs him to stop for a second, to talk to her.
"No," His hands tug his jumper over his head as he moves towards the door
"Stop. Sirius, please just wait," She clambering out of the bed to follow him, grabbing her pyjama pants and pulling them up quickly as she reaches for the large knit sweater. She's following him down the stairs of the silent house.
He slams the front door in her face before she has the chance to follow him out into the snow. She hears the revving of his motorbike before the engine kicks in, hears the way it fades away as he races into the night.
She feels like an idiot. Feels pathetic as she sinks to the ground, back pressed to the front door. She had vowed a long time ago to stop crying over Sirius Black yet she can't stop herself.
"What's going on?" Remus is calling. Woken up by the sound of the slamming door. She wipes at her tears, desperate to hide them from him but the second he sees her and sends her a soft smile she's blubbering all over again.
"He left. He fucking just left," She's hiccuping through her crying, and he joins her on the old wooden floor.
"What happened?" He asks gently, a comforting hand squeezes at her knee.
"Ok, ok and then he just left?"
"No. He asked me to stay and I- I froze Rem. I sat there like an idiot and didn't say anything. He just- I needed to think and he wouldn't give me fucking second,"
"What would you have said?"
"I don't know what he wants. If he wanted to try like really try I would have said yes,"
Time flies
Messy as the mud on your truck tires
Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out
We could just ride around
And the road not taken looks real good now
She hadn't been to his apartment before. Remus had apparated her there and waited with her in a comfortable silence until he'd arrived. Sat on the curb outside, her head on his shoulder. Knowing he was home Remus left, she was safe on the busy London street, Sirius wouldn't let any harm come to her despite the deep sigh he lets out at the sight of her.
"Too bad. I need to talk to you," She demands, arms crossed in front of her.
"No Sirius. You don't get to say all that shit to me and then just leave,"
He leads her in an awkward silence up into the building, refusing to look at her in the short elevator ride to the 8th floor.
His apartment is very him, it's cosy and homely and smells like the Gryffindor common room.
He drops onto the sofa in the living room, she's too busy eyeing the framed photos on the wall, heart melting a little at the photo of the two of them, both in school uniform sat by the black lake her head on his shoulder his arms holding her close to him. Matching bright grins staring back at her.
"You wanted to talk," He reminds, embarrassed that even after rejecting him she's seeing his framed photo of her.
" The other day, at the party You asked me if I regret leaving? I lied. No I didn't lie. I just- I didn't tell you the truth. I regret it, every fucking day I regret it, I lay awake every night thinking about what we could have been if I'd stuck around,"
"It's a little late for that," he grumbles, arms folded and a stoic look on his face
"Could you just listen to me?" She snaps, "I've been in love with you since I was 14 Sirius and you have never ever wanted a relationship,"
"That's not true," He protests
"Oh. So you just didn't want one with me?" She feels like an idiot, standing in front of him. Their friends were wrong, she was wrong.
He hates the hurt in her voice, the tears in her eyes.
He's on his feet now, passing over the burgundy rug to grab her hand in his
"That's not what I mean. I just- I was scared, scared if you were mine and something happened. I couldn't have lived through that,"
"You never told me that, you always just said you weren't a boyfriend guy,"
"I could be. For you I could be,"
"Why did you leave?" She questions, desperate to know why he couldn't have given her just a few minutes to work things out
"I couldn't hear you tell me that you don't love me enough to stay,"
"I would never say that,"
"No?" He questions timidly, his eyes searching her desperately
"No," She shakes her head "If I stay this can't be what it was. I'm giving up my life here. We are older now and we are safe and this has to be real,"
"It's always been real to me. I'm in love with you, been in loved with you since second year and I will be until the day I die. So sweetheart, please, please be mine? for real this time,"
"It'll always be you Sirius," She promises, his lips kiss her and she feels herself fall in love with him all over again.
And it always leads to you and my hometown
It always leads to you and my hometown
