little darling

“I didn’t want to believe it myself, but when I didn’t hear anything from you… Honestly I didn’t have much other choice not to believe it.” Brandon knew it would hurt Anya to hear that, but he knew he couldn’t lie to her. He wouldn’t lie to his best friend like that. “But now that you’re here, I’d always regret it if I didn’t at least try to get you to stay.” Once he finally got the truth from Anya about why she couldn’t stay, his stomach dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me Anya?” He’d been on a handful of dates with Emily, and sure Brandon could see them going places, but compared to Anya? There was no contest. “Me and Emily…? Is that really why you can’t stay…?” He knew he couldn’t say that Emily meant nothing to him, because that would just be cruel and Brandon wasn’t that guy. But he knew what he had to do. No one would mean anything to him quite like Anya. Without another word, Brandon ignored her protest as he pressed his lips against hers softly. “I’ll never care about anyone like I care for you Anya, and I can’t give you up.”

“Why?” Anya repeated an exasperated sigh falling from her lips as she dragged a hand through her hair pushing it back off her face. Maybe it had been a mistake telling him now, but how could she not be honest when it came to him? “You were happy, I wasn’t going to ruin that again.” So many times both of them had relationships or potential flings fall apart because of the connection they had with one another. He deserved to be happy, she didn’t want to be the one to stand in the way of that again. “One of the reasons.” Sure there were other factors like her father and the fact she was tired of the town, but he was always going to be a factor. Anya could feel herself melt almost instantly as he took a step closer to close the distance between them. Maybe they should have parted then, left it as a somewhat bitter sweet goodbye and live with the consequences. But she didn’t. Maybe it was selfish- no it definitely was. Instead the woman stepped even closer to him, her chested pressed against his as he hand moved up to cup the back of his neck. There was a second pause as she gathered her nerve before pressing her lips back to his. 

“Yeah maybe I was supposed to know you better, but I can bet you said goodbye to people who aren’t half as close as we are. I mean shit, I had to find out from fucking Jake that you were leaving. Do you know how humiliating that is to find out from that asshole that you were going to leave without a word to me?” Brandon sighed heavily as he tried his best to see from Anya’s perspective but his emotions were clouding his judgement. As he watched her shoulders sink, Brandon left his doorway and closed the small gap between the two of them. “Give me one good reason why you can’t stay Anya…” His voice softened, edged with a tone of pleading as his eyes drifted up to her face. Brandon couldn’t bare to think that this could possibly be the last time that he might see her. His hand gently moved up to trace his thumb gently along her jawline. “If this is it, this is what I want to remember Anya - right here. Not fighting or mad at each other, but just being together.” He knew if she really wanted to go, he could never make her stay, but Brandon prayed that he could at least make her reconsider.

“Because saying goodbye to them was easier. None of them even come close to you. I mean- none of them are my best friend, ex boyfriend or the person that I still-” Cutting herself off quickly the brunette shook her head as her jaw tightened pulling her eyes away from him as her brows knitting together. The person she still had feelings for. Hell who was she kidding at this point, the person she still undoubtedly loved. “In my defense I didn’t tell Jake so I don’t know who told him, did you really think I’d tell that idiot and not you?” Anya asked with a quirk of an eye brow as she looked over at him. Though, as he started to come closer, she knew she should have taken a step backwards it would just be easier if she did. But the brunette was left rooted to the floor just looking over his features. If this was going to be the last time she saw him, she wanted to remember every inch of him. At his question she froze, debating whether to be honest or offer some kind of bullshit that would make it easier to leave. But at this point, what had she got left to loose? “You and Emily..” The brunette spoke quietly with a small soft sigh falling off her lips. If he wanted one of the main reason, there it was. “I can’t-..” Cutting herself off with a small shake of her head, she bit her tongue before finishing: “Look I know-.. it’s stupid. And us- we haven’t been together for-” God how long had it been now? “But it hurts okay? I still care about you. And I’m not going to get in the way of you finding someone again. You know as well as I do it’s better if I just go.” Eyes flickering closed as she felt his thumb against her jaw, she didn’t even try to step backwards away from him mainly because she didn’t want to. Looking up at him, she gave a single shake of her head as she uttered: “Brandon-.. don’t-” 

Brandon watched Anya turn away from him. “What the hell was I supposed to think Anya?” His eyes were trained on her. If this was the last time he was going to see her, Brandon wanted to remember every inch of her. “Did you honestly think I’d be fine with no goodbye after everything we’ve been through…?” He knew it would be hard for Anya to say goodbye, and it would be hard for him to hear it, but surely she couldn’t think it would be easier to leave without a word. He stepped out of the door, grabbing Anya’s wrist from behind to turn her around. “Then why don’t you stay?” Brandon asked bluntly, a question he’d been keeping to himself since that voicemail. “I don’t want you to go, and you just said it yourself - saying goodbye to me makes you not want to go.” Brandon knew it was selfish of him to tell her to stay, but he wasn’t ready to let her go yet. He wasn’t sure he ever would be. “You being pissed off at me isn’t a goodbye that either of us are going to want to remember and you know it.”

“I don’t know okay?! I just thought- You were supposed to know me better after everything we’d been through. Did you seriously think I didn’t care?” The words felt sour on her tongue and left an ache in her chest. Leaving him was always going to be hard, but after a decade of being best friends and even more at points throughout it; nothing could have prepared her for how hard this was going to be. The reality was that she couldn’t handle the prospect of not seeing him everyday, not speaking to him, it was an idea that she couldn’t even fathom. “I couldn’t say goodbye okay? I just couldn’t. Because I-” Cutting herself off with a small shake of her head, she pulled her eyes away from him briefly. “Because it can’t be the end of us. It just can’t be. And if I said goodbye then that would be it and I don’t-” Her lip pulling between her bottom teeth as she bit on it hard a sadness sinking over her features as she turned her gaze back to him. “I don’t want to leave knowing I won’t see you again.” Feeling him grab her a sigh left her lips as she turned back around to face him, her brows knitting together as she looked over him. “Brandon-” The brunette uttered quietly a sadness edging on her features as she watched him. A part of her screamed yes, of course she’d stay. But the reality she just didn’t have a choice anymore. “I can’t stay. You know that.” Anya spoke her shoulders sinking. “Fine then how do you want to remember it?” 

he didn’t know if he was more hurt than angry or vice versa. angry that she was leaving him behind, angry that to him it seemed like she hadn’t even considered him - but that was also just him being selfish. he couldn’t stop watching her, could see the tears threatening to spill over as she listened to him before they were just standing there, no sounds but that of their loud breathing in the night. “anya - that doesn’t change the fact that you were just going to leave. I get it, trust me I do. if it was me leaving you, i would have sought you out. I would have wanted to spend every possible moment with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave.” in that moment he decided he was more hurt than angry. ten years and she was just going to leave, just like that. he sighed and reached his arm out to her, pulling her into his place gently before wrapping his arms around her. “I’m sorry if I’m being an asshole. I’m just hurt that you’re leaving. I’m being selfish, I want to be selfish and ask you to stay but I won’t.”

Granted her announcing she was leaving, to today had been- well very quick. Only what, a couple of days? There had barely been time to process it let alone pack up her life here. To the rest of her friends, she’d told them it was a job transfer. A simple thing that happened all the time. But that wasn’t the reason she was leaving. It wasn’t as simple as that. “I don’t-” She sighed with a small shake of her head as she tilted her head slightly looked over at him. Biting her tongue hard so the simple words didn’t leave her lips. ‘I don’t want to leave’. It had never been something that she had planned or wanted to happen so quickly at least. How was she supposed to do this in only a few days? But with everything going on staying would only make things worse in the long run. And granted it would be safer for everyone if she just left them alone. “I don’t have a choice right now Owen-” Anya spoke honestly with a light frown tugging onto the edge of her features. When he pulled her in, the brunette reached behind her to push the door closed before he had a chance to wrap her in his arms. To which she quickly reciprocated and looped her arms tightly around him in return. “I can’t stay..” The woman murmured quietly into his chest clinging a little tighter onto him as a small sigh fell from her lips. She wished she could. If things were different, if she hadn’t started to put that case against her father then maybe things would be better. They would have stayed the same atleast. But there wasn’t a reality in which Anya could have lived with herself if that had happened. “You’re not an asshole.” She uttered quickly. Come with me. Was the three words that wanted to fall from her lips. She’d been wanting to say them all week ever since she’d told him she had to leave. But putting him at risk was something she couldn’t do, she couldn’t loose anyone else she loved. “I can’t stay. If things were different and you asked- I’d be unpacking right now. You now that right?” 

When Brandon had realised that Anya hadn’t said goodbye to him, he didn’t know whether to feel angry or hurt. He thought that he would mean enough to her to warrant a goodbye, but apparently not. Which then lead to him leaving a very regrettable angry voicemail, but Brandon couldn’t suppress it. He knew he would hate himself for it later, but she needed to know how hurt he felt that she had taken off without so much as a goodbye. He never thought he would see her again, until he heard the knock on his front door. Expecting it to be a pizza delivery, he grabbed some money before opening the door, finding her on the doorstep. His eyebrows instantly raised as he tucked the money into his pocket. Brandon took a breath to stop him reacting too quickly as he knew he’d done by leaving her that voicemail. “After ten years you couldn’t at least give me a goodbye?”

If she was being honest, his voicemail had made her mad. No furious. He thought he didn’t mean as much to her? After everything that they had been through together the fact that that would even cross his mind broke her heart. Because it was the opposite, it was always going to be the opposite. He never meant less to her, Brandon always meant more. “It was too damn hard okay? Is that what you want to hear?” Anya spoke her voice shaking. “It was too fucking hard Brandon.  I can’t- I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I’m going to miss you.” The woman spoke with a small shake of her head as she looked over his features. “When I think about how I’m not going to see you everyday, it makes me not want to go.” Taking a step back from him, her arms looped tightly around herself as if that was going to offer some kind of comfort to the situation. But that didn’t change the ache in the bottom of her stomach. “I kept going over in my head how I was going to say goodbye to you and all I get coming up with were reasons to stay. So if you think I didn’t say goodbye to you because you didn’t mean as much or because I didn’t care, you’re wrong. It’s because you meant more. So there, there is your goodbye.” Anya spoke her words sharper after his voicemail and llaced with her sadness. Dragging her fingers through her hair, she shook her head and turned to head back down at steps.